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    So, met the ex boyfriend two years ago (he was on my course at uni). We dated for a few months and although he was my third boyfriend, he was my first love. We had such a deep connection, and he said things like he's never felt as comfortable with a woman as he has done with me, and that he's never felt that way about anyone before. Our relationship started off being like something from a fairytale and I thought he was the one. However, after 6 months, the relationship crumbled because of long distance and university pressures.

    I should probably mention at this point that he's suffered from depression for about 10 years now so at times things were difficult. I loved him so much but towards the end of our relationship I felt like he was dragging me down a lot, and I was beginning to fall into a similar state. Neither of us were able to pick the other up. I called it off but after a month or two we rekindled things but as we were still in two different countries it fell apart again (two weeks before being reunited in the same place).

    Anyway, the relationship suffered a lot, and I tried to move on because I felt like i had been heartbroken too many times, and that the relationship had rotted too much. It was a head vs heart decision. Living my life without him wasn't too difficult because i'd grown used to be away from him and not having him there.

    But.... I still miss him like crazy.... We broke up in November (for the second time because of distance) but I want to be with him now more than I even did for months afterwards. I started seeing someone else but I called it off cos I couldn't help but compare the two. He was the love of my life.

    Now he's seeing someone else but I can't help but wonder, was it all a lie? Did he really feel what I felt for him? He basically cut me from his life which he didn't do with any of his other girlfriends. I have tried to tell him how I feel but his response was so cold and this is so not the person I once knew. I'm really really struggling.

    I genuinely thought we would find each other again because he still holds a huge place in my heart and I would get back with him in a heartbeat. Based on his reaction and his unwillingless to have any contact with me, and move on with someone so quickly after we finished things even though he told me I should try on wedding dresses at one point when we were together, and how I felt we would be together forever, can anyone give an insight into his state of mind / what he might be feeling? I haven't pushed because he clearly wants to move on but there hasn't been any proper closure and I'm still so confused! I keep thinking we will get back together at some point because it felt like we were meant to be but he has a new girl so it's clearly not going to happen. Did he really truly love me? I thought he did. Help!

    P.s. does anyone know why i'm feeling the breakup now more than ever before? it's quite inconvenient. I feel like i'm back to square one
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    best thing to do is to stop "seeing" people. And get more involved socially.
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    You've asked a few questions in here, so I'll try to answer them (but do remember that I'm a woman so perhaps not the best one to guess what goes through a man's mind).

    Okay, so firstly, you ask if it was all a lie and if he really felt for you. It looks to me like he did feel emotionally for you, but here is where you two differ - you made the decision to leave him when he was depressed. It's understandable, yes, but to him it would seem like you're not one to stand by his side through thick and thin. He probably had this in the back of his mind, even whilst deciding to give it another go. You didn't mention here whether the second break up was your choice or not, but if it was yours (even just partly yours) - you would have reinforced the idea that you give up easily.

    Cutting you out of his life would indicate actually that you meant a great deal to him, and that it is too painful for him to continue contact with you. No one will keep putting up with continual rejection, even if they loved that person a lot. If you thought he loved you than he probably did, but men get hurt too. It may be possible to revive the relationship, maybe not, but you can learn from this. If you truly love someone then fight for them, even when it gets hard, stick by their side and show them that you can stay through the bad times as well as the good.

    Just do not blame him if he chooses to keep away from you now, it simply means that he's had enough of the heartbreak too.
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    Engage emotionally | Let yourself grieve the loss of the partner/relationship. This is only natural vs. unnatural to repress it

    Acceptance | If it's ended then it's likely because you are not 'supposed to be together' e.g. at least one of you isn't right for the other

    Forgive and forget | Not always possible but almost always healthy to use the experience as an opportunity to show dignity/humanity

    No contact rule | Depending on the nature of breakup, it's often a good idea to give them/yourself some space, for a while at least

    Out of sight, out of mind | Depending on how emotionally vulnerable/insecure one is, it can be helpful to remove all traces of one's ex

    Watch out for manipulation | Human nature being as it is, it's rare for young people to make a totally clean break. Don't get sucked into games

    Avoid revenge mentality | Apart from anything else this is a total waste of energy and you risk losing the moral high ground if things get petty

    Listen to your gut | Also listen to reason e.g. consider patterns of behaviour over time, rather than just salient events/your own insecurities

    Staying friends | See above comments - few can hack it but in certain circumstances it can actually be healthy/helpful to stay on friendly terms

    Be around people | Also busy yourself, and do reach out to dependable friends and family who can support you as you bounce back

    Time heals all | What seems like the end of the world one week can be just a drop in the ocean the next. Life goes on

    Avoid alcohol/substance abuse | This is unlikely to bring you either physical or psychological stability, which is just what you need!

    Talk to other people | When you're ready (not if you're still full of angst/in a beta or 'victim complex' mindset)
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    (Original post by _Nyx_)
    You've asked a few questions in here, so I'll try to answer them (but do remember that I'm a woman so perhaps not the best one to guess what goes through a man's mind).

    Okay, so firstly, you ask if it was all a lie and if he really felt for you. It looks to me like he did feel emotionally for you, but here is where you two differ - you made the decision to leave him when he was depressed. It's understandable, yes, but to him it would seem like you're not one to stand by his side through thick and thin. He probably had this in the back of his mind, even whilst deciding to give it another go. You didn't mention here whether the second break up was your choice or not, but if it was yours (even just partly yours) - you would have reinforced the idea that you give up easily.

    Cutting you out of his life would indicate actually that you meant a great deal to him, and that it is too painful for him to continue contact with you. No one will keep putting up with continual rejection, even if they loved that person a lot. If you thought he loved you than he probably did, but men get hurt too. It may be possible to revive the relationship, maybe not, but you can learn from this. If you truly love someone then fight for them, even when it gets hard, stick by their side and show them that you can stay through the bad times as well as the good.

    Just do not blame him if he chooses to keep away from you now, it simply means that he's had enough of the heartbreak too.

    Thank you for your reply . I didn't go into further detail about this but being there for him to battle through the depression wasn't the initial issue. The first breakup stemmed from the fact that I felt like I was doing all the looking after him but not getting much in return, and that he was prioritising other trivial things and prioritising spending time with people he didn't care much about when I was willing to move everything around and change my plans for him to make sure we'd be able to talk.

    I was doing all of the fighting out of the both of us and the first break up happened because I felt like he wasn't making enough time for me, and long-distance is hard enough as it is, but when you don't schedule time in for that person, you might as well not be in a relationship! I was feeling rejected myself so I lost the ability to fight and be strong for the both of us.

    When I called him two weeks afterwards he expressed that he felt happier without me, even though a month later he told me out of the blue that he was still in love with me.

    I'm sure he is sick of the heartbreak too but I guess my point is even after all the heartbreak I still want to fight for this guy, I still want to be with him, but I'm trying to work out what to do because I think well, if I feel this way and he doesn't, surely he can't love me enough to give it another go (if that makes sense?). Would he not want to do the same if he felt as strongly as I did? Obviously I don't want to step in whilst he's got a girlfriend out of respect. I hope this means I don't lose him forever. I just keep thinking that he'll come back to me because we had a few break up/get back togethers.

    It's all so confusing really
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    Ah yes, this is the great difference between how man thinks compared to how a woman does. I get what you're saying and what you wanted from him, I've even had the same kinda fights within my own relationship. If this guy is similar to my own bf, he most likely never needed much interaction at all to feel satisfied. When men go through depression, they can be irritable, and withdraw into themselves. And yeah, going out with friends may be just what he needed as with you he has to connect with his emotions, something that can be stressful when he is depressed. With friends, it's less one-on-one and he doesn't have to reach within himself to be social. This is the sort of insight I've gained from my own bf, after many long conversations (and arguments). When they are down, they can well appear selfish and isolate themselves and this is so hard for the partner, I know.

    Yeah, LDRs are very difficult if both partners are not pulling their weight. You needed his attention and he was not giving you what you needed. The problem is also that men often don't understand, as they need to talk much less than a woman needs to. One of the main problems with LDRs is that typically (ofc there are always exceptions) men tend to find it easier to show love/affection through touch rather than talk (and women do need both, but touch less so). He doesn't really understand you and your needs, as his romantic/intimacy needs are different. It's hard to say exactly what he is feeling now, in his head he may be believing that you were too needy, caused too much drama etc (when it's more a mismatch of needs/expectations between you).

    In your position, I think I'd be too hurt to try to continue the relationship after he found someone else, but if you feel deep down that he is who you want, I'd suggest maybe sending him a message. Explain why you acted why you did, how it can be different next time round and how you feel for him. I'd suggest an email/fb message rather than talking to him directly, this'll allow him to spend time and think on it at length rather than feel he's been put on the spot. Ask him to contact you once he decides, and leave the ball in his court. If he loves you enough, he won't resist trying again but if you get no reply, you know it's time to try and move on.
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    (Original post by _Nyx_)
    Ah yes, this is the great difference between how man thinks compared to how a woman does. I get what you're saying and what you wanted from him, I've even had the same kinda fights within my own relationship. If this guy is similar to my own bf, he most likely never needed much interaction at all to feel satisfied. When men go through depression, they can be irritable, and withdraw into themselves. And yeah, going out with friends may be just what he needed as with you he has to connect with his emotions, something that can be stressful when he is depressed. With friends, it's less one-on-one and he doesn't have to reach within himself to be social. This is the sort of insight I've gained from my own bf, after many long conversations (and arguments). When they are down, they can well appear selfish and isolate themselves and this is so hard for the partner, I know.

    Yeah, LDRs are very difficult if both partners are not pulling their weight. You needed his attention and he was not giving you what you needed. The problem is also that men often don't understand, as they need to talk much less than a woman needs to. One of the main problems with LDRs is that typically (ofc there are always exceptions) men tend to find it easier to show love/affection through touch rather than talk (and women do need both, but touch less so). He doesn't really understand you and your needs, as his romantic/intimacy needs are different. It's hard to say exactly what he is feeling now, in his head he may be believing that you were too needy, caused too much drama etc (when it's more a mismatch of needs/expectations between you).

    In your position, I think I'd be too hurt to try to continue the relationship after he found someone else, but if you feel deep down that he is who you want, I'd suggest maybe sending him a message. Explain why you acted why you did, how it can be different next time round and how you feel for him. I'd suggest an email/fb message rather than talking to him directly, this'll allow him to spend time and think on it at length rather than feel he's been put on the spot. Ask him to contact you once he decides, and leave the ball in his court. If he loves you enough, he won't resist trying again but if you get no reply, you know it's time to try and move on.
    This is so spot on!!

    I think you're right in that him and I had different needs and that he needed less interaction than I did to be satisfied.

    You got it exactly right with "in his head he may be believing that you were too needy, caused too much drama etc". He blamed me for being too 'clingy' even though I always give my partner space and never chase up if they don't reply. He also accused me of not wanting him to spend time with his friends, and that I wanted no one else to have him but me which was not true at all, I just didn't feel like we were getting enough foundation time for him to then go and spend time with his friends. Even when I went to stay with him for a week in Italy we had to spend lunch and dinner seeing different friends of his every day and that didn't sit too well with me as I wanted some alone time after not seeing him for a whole month. He also said I caused drama, which I'm so glad you recognised was a result of incompatibility perhaps. I'm definitely a fairly chilled out tolerant person!

    Basically I wrote to him a few months ago (six months after we'd broken up) to explain I still had feelings for him and that I wasn't going to interfere in his new relationship if he was truly happy. He said that he'd get back to me and write a detailed letter to explain his side of things and where he was at but a week later I got a cold reply from him to say he'd moved on and that I could too. He also said that he was happy with who he was, which was a bit of a bizarre comment cos i'd always supported him and loved him for who he was. He was the one who was unhappy with himself and his habits so I don't know what that was all about!

    Anyway, we went to graduation a couple of days ago and he didn't come over / smile / say hi or even nod. It's a shame.

    I just don't know how he feels so differently when I feel the same. Thank you so much for your reply though! Makes me feel better cos i've constantly been blaming myself for feeling like maybe I was being too needy or that I should have suffered a bit more to make it work but I was just becoming so unhappy.
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    Glad to have been of some help . Since you've tried writing to him and still received that reply, I think it's best for you to try and get over him. I see a lot of examples from what you've said of things you have tried, but he does not appear to have put in the effort to listen to what you need. Relationships need some compromise, and if he wants to have some nights out with friends, he should also have tried to ensure he gave you enough time too. That's what a good partner does.

    Don't blame yourself for having needs in a relationship, everyone does, but his were too different from yours (and he never went the extra mile on his side to understand yours). You need someone who is more able to be there for you and talk with you. And although all relationships have difficult times, if you are constantly placing your partner's wants above yours and ignoring your unhappiness, it was always going to fail eventually. You look after his needs in faith that he will look after yours. It cannot always be one-sided.

    Also, men contain what they feel a lot better than women. He may act cold and heartless, but it is probably an act. He probably does have feelings towards you (good or bad) but he's choosing to bottle them away. Don't be too surprised if he does try to contact you within a few months (if he decides to open that bottle). If that happens, don't go rushing back to him, keep in mind that he's unlikely to keep you happy for long without him changing. Who needs more unhappiness? I'm sure you don't.

    Good luck, and don't worry - those feelings you have for him will pass in time.
 
 
 
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