Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    I've written a few poems recently and I'd like some feedback.

    #1

    The loft is coarse with threads of dust
    but I often sleep there.
    Under the skylight,
    bathed in midnight,
    sits a wooden chair.

    On my command it sails above
    grey edifices streaked with age, above
    sullen cows and sleeping lakes,
    above wavecrests iced with moonlight.

    I sing over time’s parade, its clamour,
    over the infinite, fading as I climb,
    over the waterfall drowning my mind,
    under the stars that replace it.

    Briefly I resent the chair
    when it sets me down,
    bathed in midnight,
    under the skylight.


    #2

    Sunday languor on a Monday morning,
    senses dull to all but caffeine,
    blind to mysteries eclipsed by daylight.
    The weekend beckons through the mist
    of chores and repetition; a snow globe
    in constant turmoil forgets its walls.
    Morning daze swept aside by shower,
    orders are now clear: get by.


    #3

    I rushed to you from the platform,
    so sure of you, a stranger that
    I should by rights have never
    met. That was the second time
    I saw you – halfway until I
    saw you last. We started there
    a young star, burning fast,
    powder burning nostrils,
    enraptured by the chaos.
    You were older, I assumed
    wiser - could you teach me how
    to love and live and love myself?
    Could you teach me how to
    see the future in the past,
    to find hope in despair?
    To avoid your own mistakes?
    You are older, yes – an old star,
    a brown dwarf, dead in all
    but name, no splendour. You
    stopped looking for answers,
    no more questions. An old star,
    incapable of love
    or smile or wisdom.
    You made a fool of me; how
    naive – I believed my short-lived
    passion. It haunts me from the verse
    on my wall; its curse will not
    be forgotten.


    #4 ( premeniscence )

    We give each other’s time to youth; each mistake we share in kind and grow
    around each other, trails of ivy.
    In midnight conversations we scorn adults.
    Abject ancestors object too much to us;
    we have no way to fathom boredom.
    Existence is for its own sake, else why
    bother? -
    accepting banal comfort
    seems absurd.
    Thunder clouds veil the full moon,
    a navy shadow over
    tomorrow’s apathy.
    Through scepticism
    we become sure of ourselves,
    reluctant,
    coerced by the hidden pendulum’s tide;
    most disturbing is that
    truths reveal their negation.
    No caution, we learn each other,
    resenting faults; developing –
    delighting in –
    not enough hindsight for foresight,
    we are foolish
    and time beguiles us.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    anybody? :/
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    Edit:
    Ah the formatting is impossible; here's a pastebin instead:
    http://pastebin.com/5r5iRpzF
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    :congrats:

    you have an authentic voice and have produced great poetry.*
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by the bear)
    :congrats:

    you have an authentic voice and have produced great poetry.*
    Thanks man I'm really enjoying getting into poetry at the moment; it's something I've been aspiring to for ages.
    Oh and I changed the most recent one so in case you're at all interested, I'm editing the post.
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by StarvingAutist)
    Thanks man I'm really enjoying getting into poetry at the moment; it's something I've been aspiring to for ages.
    Oh and I changed the most recent one so in case you're at all interested, I'm editing the post.
    i put all my shizz on

    www.longspoon.wordpress.com *
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by the bear)
    i put all my shizz on

    www.longspoon.wordpress.com *
    good stuff
    how do you find wordpress, feedback-wise? I have a tumblr but don't get too much traffic
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by StarvingAutist)
    good stuff
    how do you find wordpress, feedback-wise? I have a tumblr but don't get too much traffic
    ermm i just use it as a cellar to dump my stuff... i am not really interested in the social aspects :teehee:.... *
 
 
 
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Are unpaid trial work shifts fair?
    Useful resources

    Quick link:

    Unanswered creative corner threads

    Groups associated with this forum:

    View associated groups
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.