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My Blog: 'The One Who Pretends and My Journey to Happiness' watch

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    Hi,

    I wanted to start a blog on here just to speak about my past, my present and my future. (You can call me Scrooge :lol: )

    Reason its anon? Well, many people know me on here and id rather they didn't know about my personal life because I have pretences to keep but sometimes I just want to stop pretending and be myself. I want to be able to speak and say what I really feel and what I'm really going through.

    To be honest, its going to be mostly past experiences which have made me who I am today and the fact that i'm not happy with who I am.

    if you do manage to guess who i am, PM me and please dont start guessing on here. But i doubt this will get many posts which ill be glad about.

    The next post will be about the first time life hit me in the worst way.

    Feel free to post your own experiences and if you want to rant, go ahead.

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    The First Time I Realised Life Was CrapYou know, everyone has that moment in life where they realise that life is not hunky dory and all about flowers and butterflies and cake. It’s the moment when you find out how much time you’ve spent with your head under the sand and your family or friends or even you, yourself, have just kept burying you deeper and deeper to the point of suffocation. Some are lucky and they get to stay suffocated for most their lives but this I find is worse in the long run because when **** hits the fan, they find it harder to deal with and they fall from a greater height. For me? It was when I was 11 years old. God took the best thing in my life. My Gran. My mums mum. I used to sleep with her ever since she came to England when I was 5. So every night she used to put me to sleep by telling me stories about her childhood and my mums childhood. They didn’t have it easy. God no, not easy at all. But it made me grateful for what I had.

    A little insight to my gran. She never took **** from anyone. The amount of times she fought back and told others the harsh truth was amazing. She was the most loved and most beautiful woman ever. I loved her more than I love my own mother and I still do. She never gave up on her faith no matter what she went through which is inspiring. But the one thing my gran taught me was to forgive. She went through so much in her life, and I was always so surprised at how she could forgive people who did wrong to her so easily.

    When God took her life, he didn’t do it in a nice simple painless way. Nope. That would be too kind right? She went through 2 years of throat cancer to the point of being fed through a drip, not being able to wash herself and becoming incontinent. It got to the point where I was actually praying for God to take her life so she didn’t have to suffer anymore. Little did I know, God would answer my prayers within a week.

    To this day, I hate myself for praying that. It’s the one thing that first started making me hate myself. But when my gran died, I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t do anything. My mum went into depression and the entire house because ghostlike. I saw my dad cry for the first time and I hated that I couldn’t cry. Everyone gave their condolences and would say “if there is anything I could do, let us know” but they couldn’t bring my gran back. The woman who showed me my first rainbow. Who sewed my school uniform. Who would stop me from crying when my brothers hit me or who would do my chores on the sly and buy me magic stars every time she went to the post office. She was the only one who knew who I was and knew everything about me. And she was gone.

    11 years old and my life came crashing down and I lost everyone. I stopped speaking to those who cared and I no longer felt anything but guilt. To this day, I pretend to care. I now have a wide circle of friends. An active social life. People love me and they turn to me for advice and help but in all honesty, if I lost any of them, I wouldn’t feel much. I ask people how they are, how their day has been and that im always there for them if they need me. But to be honest, all I really want to be able to move away fromeverything and be who I am.

    The thing stopping me is the fact that I don’t know who I am. So how does that work? Do I just pick the persona that people like? The funny, jokey, flirty person who everyone gets on with? Because that is not me but it’s the one that everyone likes. It’s the persona that everyone can get along with and turn to. But I don’t know who I am? Do I want to pretend life is okay and smile because trust me it is sooooooo much easier to do that than to answer “no actually I feel like absolute ****, are you okay?

    Well, this is my first post :lol:
    Hope it makes sense and that I don’t accidentally let my identity slip because not only will that be awkward as **** but it’d open awhole can of worms. excuse my spelling/grammatical mistakes and any punctuation missed because that alone can trigger some people :rofl: Hope you enjoy reading Anon.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    The First Time I Realised Life Was Crap

    You know, everyone has that moment in life where they realise that life is not hunky dory and all about flowers and butterflies and cake. It’s the moment when you find out how much time you’ve spent with your head under the sand and your family or friends or even you, yourself, have just kept burying you deeper and deeper to the point of suffocation.

    Some are lucky and they get to stay suffocated for most their lives but this I find is worse in the long run because when **** hits the fan, they find it harder to deal with and they fall from a greater height.

    For me? It was when I was 11 years old. God took the best thing in my life. My Gran. My mums mum. I used to sleep with her ever since she came to England when I was 5. So every night she used to put me to sleep by telling me stories about her childhood and my mums childhood. They didn’t have it easy. God no, not easy at all. But it made me grateful for what I had.

    A little insight to my gran. She never took **** from anyone. The amount of times she fought back and told others the harsh truth was amazing. She was the most loved and most beautiful woman ever. I loved her more than I love my own mother and I still do. She never gave up on her faith no matter what she went through which is inspiring. But the one thing my gran taught me was to forgive. She went through so much in her life, and I was always so surprised at how she could forgive people who did wrong to her so easily.

    When God took her life, he didn’t do it in a nice simple painless way. Nope. That would be too kind right? She went through 2 years of throat cancer to the point of being fed through a drip, not being able to wash herself and becoming incontinent. It got to the point where I was actually praying for God to take her life so she didn’t have to suffer anymore. Little did I know, God would answer my prayers within a week.

    To this day, I hate myself for praying that. It’s the one thing that first started making me hate myself. But when my gran died, I couldn’t cry. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t do anything. My mum went into depression and the entire house because ghostlike. I saw my dad cry for the first time and I hated that I couldn’t cry. Everyone gave their condolences and would say “if there is anything I could do, let us know” but they couldn’t bring my gran back. The woman who showed me my first rainbow. Who sewed my school uniform. Who would stop me from crying when my brothers hit me or who would do my chores on the sly and buy me magic stars every time she went to the post office. She was the only one who knew who I was and knew everything about me. And she was gone.


    11 years old and my life came crashing down and I lost everyone. I stopped speaking to those who cared and I no longer felt anything but guilt. To this day, I pretend to care. I now have a wide circle of friends. An active social life. People love me and they turn to me for advice and help but in all honesty, if I lost any of them, I wouldn’t feel much. I ask people how they are, how their day has been and that im always there for them if they need me. But to be honest, all I really want to be able to move away fromeverything and be who I am.

    The thing stopping me is the fact that I don’t know who I am. So how does that work? Do I just pick the persona that people like? The funny, jokey, flirty person who everyone gets on with? Because that is not me but it’s the one that everyone likes. It’s the persona that everyone can get along with and turn to. But I don’t know who I am? Do I want to pretend life is okay and smile because trust me it is sooooooo much easier to do that than to answer “no actually I feel like absolute ****, are you okay?

    Well, this is my first post :lol:

    Hope it makes sense and that I don’t accidentally let my identity slip because not only will that be awkward as **** but it’d open awhole can of worms. excuse my spelling/grammatical mistakes and any punctuation missed because that alone can trigger some people :rofl:

    Hope you enjoy reading.

    Anon.
    stupid copy and paste
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    okay another thing i don't like about going anon is that you cant edit posts so any stupid mistakes i make, like bloody paragraphs, will mess it up

    so note to self: always preview message before submitting :lol:

    thanks to mods who will edit the posts to make it more presentable
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    thanks to mods who will edit the posts to make it more presentable
    No worries
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    Interesting

    Make sure to hit that anonymous box every time!
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    Right, 2nd post.

    I’m actually quite surprised I’m writing a second one because I tend to give up writing after the first day. So what to say and what to write? :holmes: I had so many things I wanted to get off my chest but putting it down in words is proving harder than I originally thought. :lol:

    Okay,ummmm, let’s start with school. I was probably one of the lucky ones who didn’t get bullied. I wasn’t popular, no way, but I was known around my year and people said hi. I think this is where I learnt how to adapt my personality. The place where I learnt how to pretend I care.

    Year 7 was tough because I had lost my gran that year. So most of years 7 and 8, I was quiet, withdrawn and alone. Which I liked. But I wasn’t happy. People came up to me and would talk to me and I would answer but there was no emotion, nothing real. My elder brother saw how I was and forced me to do drama for GCSE's, and truth be told, it was the best thing he ever told me to do. Drama!!!! Starting in Year 9 and being told to work in groups of 2, 5, and 8 and even as an entire class of 28 was such an eye-opener. It’s the subject that made me realise I was actually quite good at acting. I was able to get up in front of a crowd and be whoever the character was and pull it off amazingly. (Even if I do say so myself )

    So, throughout GCSE’s I started to act. Not only in Drama, but in real life. I acted like the typical schoolgirl and who was giggly and laughed and found cheesy jokes hilarious. I acted like the agony aunt to nearly the entire year as both boys and girls came up tome and asked for advice. I could be the laugh they wanted, the flirty girl they found amusing, the sweet, shy girl they found intriguing. Thing was, I could be whoever they wanted me to be and I was fine with that.

    By year 10, I figured out that people actually listened to me. I could tell someone to do something and they would. All because I could adapt my personality and words to suit them. One minute,I’d be talking in slang and as if I’ve just come out of South London ghetto and the next as if I’m from the poshest part of Oxford. The moment I realised this was when a girl came up to me for advice. I still remember that moment. She came up to me and said, “My boyfriend wants sex but I’m not ready and he keeps forcing me too and keeps pushing me. What shall I do?” to which I replied, “Breakup with him. If he doesn’t value you now, he won’t in the future. Guys come and go but your virginity doesn’t.” Little did I know that these words would push her to break up with him within the next 10 mins right in front of my eyes?

    That was such an eye-opener. I couldn’t believe it. My words had just caused a relationship to break and she didn’t even falter. Not once. She took my words and used them against him. Whether it was the push she needed, or she just needed one more person to say that to make the decision but it was still ME.
    Whoever reads this will most likely be like ‘what the actual ****?’ haha but even now, on TSR, I find myself doing that. Being the shoulder to cry on, being the flirty girl because the guy needs self-confidence, giving advice on things I have no idea on but the fact remains, I’m the girl that is there. I’d rather be there for others than be there for myself.

    Now this blog or whatever it is, I don’t even know, is meant to be my self-discovery, but I’m terrified that I will never find that. Or maybe,I don’t want to know. Maybe I should stop searching and just carry on being this girl who everyone seems to love and adore. Now that is probably putting myself on a high-horse, even I can see how conceited that sounds, but it’s true. I get on with everyone and please everyone and they in turn find a confidante and a friend/love in me.

    To be honest, I don’t even know what this post is trying to say or going to achieve. Maybe I’m just trying to make sense of where everything stemmed from or what was the curving point in which I started to lose myself. But yeah. Here you go.
    Spoiler:
    Show
    I apologise for any mistakes and errors and the boringness of the post :lol:
    Much love,

    Anon xx
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    When you were pretending all that time, being flirty and laughing at jokes, are you really serious that none of it was real? That you were lying 100%? That on the inside you are a shell and nothing more? I don't believe it.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I’d rather be there for others than be there for myself.
    Can relate to this alot anon :hugs: Even though it's very difficult to put yourself first and it may feel selfish and you may feel as though you're not worthy of putting yourself first (you are worthy), to be there for others as much as you want to be and be at your best so you can be there for them, you have to sometimes :console:
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    (Original post by Abstract_Prism)
    When you were pretending all that time, being flirty and laughing at jokes, are you really serious that none of it was real? That you were lying 100%? That on the inside you are a shell and nothing more? I don't believe it.
    Once my friend said to me that when he heard me laugh, he felt good. From then on, whenever he was there I would laugh extra just because he liked it. It was forced because I knew he liked it. Once a girl said to me she liked me in the colour pink, so all I did in front of her was wear something pink, be it shoes, tops or Makeup. It was all subconsciously done. I didn't even realise until she pointed it out.

    As for being flirty, I'm not going to lie but if I needed something, I would flirt but most of all it was because the guys needed a pick-me-up. Like on TSR, so many people have self confidence issues, I would and still do say good things, "aw you're so sweet" "omg marry me! That's the best thing ever" "the things I would do if I was there with you" just to help make that person feel better. When in reality I'm sitting behind my phone with a straight face and sometimes smiling knowing that I made them laugh.

    Does that make sense?

    (Original post by Deyesy)
    Can relate to this alot anon :hugs: Even though it's very difficult to put yourself first and it may feel selfish and you may feel as though you're not worthy of putting yourself first (you are worthy), to be there for others as much as you want to be and be at your best so you can be there for them, you have to sometimes :console:
    It's so easy to say "yes you're worthy" but what if you're not? What if you really aren't? Then you're just lying right? I mean, do you know me to make such a statement? (Sorry that is harsh) I'm always at my best with others. Because I'm able to stop it from being it about myself, cuz id rather not think about myself because thats what I don't want to know.

    Gosh this sounds so confusing and weird but honestly, it's cliche "you are worthy" but who decides that? You? Me? Abstract Prism? I may seem worthy to you but if I don't believe I'm worthy, you can't sway what I think. I'm sorry for that.

    Thinking about yourself is not selfish. It's when you think about yourself in spite of what others feel and you hurt them.

    :hugs:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    It's so easy to say "yes you're worthy" but what if you're not? What if you really aren't? Then you're just lying right? I mean, do you know me to make such a statement? (Sorry that is harsh) I'm always at my best with others. Because I'm able to stop it from being it about myself, cuz id rather not think about myself because thats what I don't want to know.

    Gosh this sounds so confusing and weird but honestly, it's cliche "you are worthy" but who decides that? You? Me? Abstract Prism? I may seem worthy to you but if I don't believe I'm worthy, you can't sway what I think. I'm sorry for that.

    Thinking about yourself is not selfish. It's when you think about yourself in spite of what others feel and you hurt them.

    :hugs:
    I think worthiness comes downs to people's perceptions of your and things you do in your life? If you're constantly going out of your way for others and putting others before yourself; this suggests you've got a kind and warm heart and to me, that instantly makes you worthy
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    (Original post by Deyesy)
    I think worthiness comes downs to people's perceptions of your and things you do in your life? If you're constantly going out of your way for others and putting others before yourself; this suggests you've got a kind and warm heart and to me, that instantly makes you worthy
    Going out of you own way to help others because you're too much of a coward to look at yourself. I'm too weak and scared too fix myself which needs to be fixed that I help fix others. Is that not hypocritical? Offering advice when I don't take it myself? And isn't being a hypocrite one of the worst things you can be?
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    How old are you btw?
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    (Original post by Abstract_Prism)
    How old are you btw?
    Take a guess
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Take a guess
    Year 11, 16
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    (Original post by Abstract_Prism)
    Year 11, 16
    That young? :lol:

    Damn I've been called young before but I'm actually 22.

    Does that change your perception?
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    Random post:

    Um... So my grandad passed away yesterday. Now I feel kind of numb and I know I need to cry but I can't. No tears. Which is stupid because give me a book or a romance movie or a sad song and I'm in tears instantly but I can't shed tears over my dads dad dying! Half my family have gone back home where he lived and I'm currently having lunch at work. Why the **** am I at work?

    I thought I could get away from it, from death, but when you work in a hospital, you can't really do that. But to be honest, the chances of me seeing a death at work is pretty slim and you know what happens? A ****ing patient dies on the table right in front of my eyes whilst being operated on! Just all of a sudden! No warning no nothing! He starts to convulse and the crash team are called and the surgeon is trying to resuscitate and the anesthetist is trying to stop the anesthetic but nothing is working! Meanwhile, myself and my supervisor are just standing the corner with our II trying to stay out of everyone's way.

    11.48am. Time of death. Another person gone. Am I shocked? Yes! Am I sad? Maybe! Am I confused? Hell, yes!! But this is life right? People die and people are born. Circle of life.

    So I've just eaten my tuna sandwich and im contemplating life :lol: and it's hot and muggy and sticky and I feel gross and all I want to do? Is to go home to my dad and tell him it'll be okay but I know that's a lie. You lose a parent and you lose a bit of yourself.

    My parents and some of my siblings are back home and I'm here on my phone writing this message and no one would know I lost a grandparent. I've told 3 people. Two tsrians only because they would've wanted a reply via messaging and one of my closest friends who doesn't even live in the country.

    Anyway, random post for a ****ing random day! Just want it to be winter already!
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    Damn Anon, awful timing there. Don't know what to say.

    So...

    Supercalifragilisticexpialidocio us
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