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Should I end it with the guy I'm dating or give it more time? watch

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    Hi guys,

    I've recently started dating someone new and we've been spending time together. It's been going okay to be honest. It started off well but getting to know him well as been a bit poor. To put it simpler I try super hard to really strike up conversation and get to know him, although I don't feel like I'm getting the same in return.

    It's always the same situation. We see each other after work, we kiss, make out , eat and then talk about work... because it's the only thing he really talks about. We do briefly talk about other things but it's not stimulating conversation. My point is, is that we are both physically attracted to each other but mentally...there is no connection.

    I think of dating as doing fun things together (bike rides, museums, dinners, walking through the woods, adventure) but he's super laid back to the point where even though I know he doesn't mean it but it's almost way too laidback to the point of no effort.

    Also, he just moved to England and I feel like there's a huge cultural/language barrier. He is also 5 years older than me and that's a bit too much for me. When I'm 25, he'll be 30... scary.

    He's a nice guy and very charming and there is absolutely nothing wrong with him as a person but he HIMSELF has said that if I did want to see someone else that it would be okay! That's kind of sparked a red flag already for me.

    He is into me as much I am into him but I'm tired of the effort being one-sided. I like excitement and thrill and I understand that cant always be the case 24/7 but even a good conversation at the café seems impossible with him.

    I don't want to be that jerk who didn't give someone a chance but I have given him the chance and I don't feel the "spark"..... I never miss him when he's gone and I'm never excited to see him. My head says give him a chance but my heart says just leave it be.

    WHAT SHOULD I DO??????????
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    Leave it or enjoy it for what it is.

    I don't think it sounds like he is looking for more, it doesn't sound like you really want more anyway. If you do quite like him you could just say this sort of thing to him and see what he says but I suspect it's pointless. He might say the right things but he's self involved and not acting like he's that into you, that sort of thing doesn't usually change
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    (Original post by BKS)
    Leave it or enjoy it for what it is.

    I don't think it sounds like he is looking for more, it doesn't sound like you really want more anyway. If you do quite like him you could just say this sort of thing to him and see what he says but I suspect it's pointless. He might say the right things but he's self involved and not acting like he's that into you, that sort of thing doesn't usually change
    Thing is I'm not really enjoying it.
    He asked me to be his girlfriend and has said to me before we we're together that he is looking for someone. I get the feeling he is into me but he's just a laid back dude, or maybe I'm wrong.
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    (Original post by gamerchic)
    Thing is I'm not really enjoying it.
    He asked me to be his girlfriend and has said to me before we we're together that he is looking for someone. I get the feeling he is into me but he's just a laid back dude, or maybe I'm wrong.
    I don't read it as laid back. I read it as wanting something not serious- sex and someone to hang out with really. It sounds like you want something more meaningful and not just more of this but calling it a relationship- do you really think he'd suddenly change if you say he's your BF? He can be into you and still not want the same sort of thing

    I'm not hearing any reasons you really want to stay with him other than he says he likes you. That's not much of a reason. If you can still see something in him then I'd talk to him, tell him you'd be his GF but you want it to be more like XYZ. If he makes the right sounds then give him a chance.

    Maybe I'm just pessimistic but I don't think this sounds like it'd work out but it's up to you if you want to try. But just leaving going on like it is obviously isn't working for you
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    He's not that into you or he's naturally lazy in relationships. No spark. That leaves you only the physical, which it sounds like its all he is bothered about.

    Raise your concerns, tell him he is quite closed and it would be nice if he was more forthcoming and you got to know each other better. Give it 2 weeks. Dont sleep with him unless you are ok with the consequences.

    I read it as lazy, uninspiring. The biggest thing in a relationship is the connection and then friendship/ sharing. Sex comes after imo. Imo do the 2 weeks or say thanks but no thanks. If someone cnat be bothered to make an effort at the beginning , think how dull it will be 6-24 months down the line. Doesnt sound like fun city.
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    (Original post by BKS)
    I don't read it as laid back. I read it as wanting something not serious- sex and someone to hang out with really. It sounds like you want something more meaningful and not just more of this but calling it a relationship- do you really think he'd suddenly change if you say he's your BF? He can be into you and still not want the same sort of thing

    I'm not hearing any reasons you really want to stay with him other than he says he likes you. That's not much of a reason. If you can still see something in him then I'd talk to him, tell him you'd be his GF but you want it to be more like XYZ. If he makes the right sounds then give him a chance.

    Maybe I'm just pessimistic but I don't think this sounds like it'd work out but it's up to you if you want to try. But just leaving going on like it is obviously isn't working for you
    I've said to him that I want us to be exclusive, but even then it's not really changed anything. He just doesn't inspire me like I have felt in the past. I'm also still in love with someone else and getting over that pain. I'm totally going to be fair about this and give him the chance after I tell him how I feel. If he doesn't fight for it, then I'm done.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    He's not that into you or he's naturally lazy in relationships. No spark. That leaves you only the physical, which it sounds like its all he is bothered about.

    Raise your concerns, tell him he is quite closed and it would be nice if he was more forthcoming and you got to know each other better. Give it 2 weeks. Dont sleep with him unless you are ok with the consequences.

    I read it as lazy, uninspiring. The biggest thing in a relationship is the connection and then friendship/ sharing. Sex comes after imo. Imo do the 2 weeks or say thanks but no thanks. If someone cnat be bothered to make an effort at the beginning , think how dull it will be 6-24 months down the line. Doesnt sound like fun city.

    Appreciate your response. I totally agree with you. The negatives outweigh the positives. I just don't want to hurt his feelings but he said before "if you want to be with someone else, it's fine, it's your choice" wow I must really be worth the fight.
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    Move on!

    I had that same problem with a girl recently. She was nice but quite honestly the thought of seeing her again is just no...

    She will text me and say what an amazing time she had and always asked me when I'm free etc but when actually meeting it was kind of dead. There's no point trying to force something that just isn't there!

    If you don't miss someone and are not excited to see them definitely drop it. Clutching at straws there!
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    I think your should leave him , I know it's a bit harsh , not of that has put the red flag for you it's a sign and I know you are into him and he is too , but I honestly think you should leave him , because every relationship has to be two-sided it cannot only be you putting In effort , and beside there are many more people in the world that will like you and be not only physically but also mentally attracted to you , you just have to find that person
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    (Original post by MaseratiJay)
    Move on!

    I had that same problem with a girl recently. She was nice but quite honestly the thought of seeing her again is just no...

    She will text me and say what an amazing time she had and always asked me when I'm free etc but when actually meeting it was kind of dead. There's no point trying to force something that just isn't there!

    If you don't miss someone and are not excited to see them definitely drop it. Clutching at straws there!
    Very true I agree
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    It sounds like the LTR dynamic isn't going to work out, FWB might be more appropriate but not necessarily healthy in the long run. Do you see yourself spending the next few years with him?
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    The 5 year barrier should not be a problem, that's fine. You have to hint to him or say it directly to be more romantic. I don't see the point of the relationship if you're acting like co-workers and snogg sometimes. If he doesn't change then move on.
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    (Original post by gamerchic)
    Appreciate your response. I totally agree with you. The negatives outweigh the positives. I just don't want to hurt his feelings but he said before "if you want to be with someone else, it's fine, it's your choice" wow I must really be worth the fight.
    Precisely.
    Clearly youd like a bit more fun and something going on, not just sex. Soemthing resembling a relationship even if its just light.

    He is just hanging on for sex imo and his idea of fun is actually make no effort, he will get sex eventually and if this ends, big deal. Perhaps he is dumb, immature, selfish, lazy etc.

    If he said that I wouldnt even give him the chance. I think you should just say be friends or acquaintances, but nothing beyond that. Dump him before you sleep with him and its faster to move on. One wonders whether he will ever make an effort for anyone but himself? Sooner you end it, then the sooner you can find someone else. The worst thing for you is if you end up in some weird thing that might be a relationship and might not or its just FB which isnt what you say you want.

    No need to hurt his feelings, just say it wasnt working. Ok to go for a drink with I suppose, but you need to keep your physical attraction in check unless you are ok with sleeping with him as one offs.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    Precisely.
    Clearly youd like a bit more fun and something going on, not just sex. Soemthing resembling a relationship even if its just light.

    He is just hanging on for sex imo and his idea of fun is actually make no effort, he will get sex eventually and if this ends, big deal. Perhaps he is dumb, immature, selfish, lazy etc.

    If he said that I wouldnt even give him the chance. I think you should just say be friends or acquaintances, but nothing beyond that. Dump him before you sleep with him and its faster to move on. One wonders whether he will ever make an effort for anyone but himself? Sooner you end it, then the sooner you can find someone else. The worst thing for you is if you end up in some weird thing that might be a relationship and might not or its just FB which isnt what you say you want.

    No need to hurt his feelings, just say it wasnt working. Ok to go for a drink with I suppose, but you need to keep your physical attraction in check unless you are ok with sleeping with him as one offs.
    He has specifically said he doesn't want sex. He never tries to initiate any form of sexual contact with me, he is a gentleman for sure. But I do agree with you on the make no effort thing. He says he loves me but I don't see the action. It's not wrong for me to want someone who is on the intellectual level I am on, he just doesn't fit that. Also if I were to sleep with him it would just be based on attraction and not love. I think I've answered my own question.
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    (Original post by Rather_Cynical)
    It sounds like the LTR dynamic isn't going to work out, FWB might be more appropriate but not necessarily healthy in the long run. Do you see yourself spending the next few years with him?
    Nope, and I don't want FWB. The attraction is there but the chemistry and the 'want' to form into love just isn't there. I have to tell him otherwise I'll be leading him on.
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    (Original post by gamerchic)
    I think I've answered my own question.
    I think you knew the answer in your first post, you just needed a kick in the right direction because there's still a part of you that wants to think it could work out
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    (Original post by gamerchic)
    He has specifically said he doesn't want sex. He never tries to initiate any form of sexual contact with me, he is a gentleman for sure. But I do agree with you on the make no effort thing. He says he loves me but I don't see the action. It's not wrong for me to want someone who is on the intellectual level I am on, he just doesn't fit that. Also if I were to sleep with him it would just be based on attraction and not love. I think I've answered my own question.


    Just learn from the situation and move on. If he doesnt wnat to sleep with you its a bit strange what it is and you have to decide whether its worth investing time in? It is not imo. Even as a friend he sounds flawed. Least you know your answer.
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    Is being single really such a mortifying prospect that you would willingly settle for mediocrity? He sounds perfectly indolent.
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    (Original post by Profesh)
    Is being single really such a mortifying prospect that you would willingly settle for mediocrity? He sounds perfectly indolent.
    No I totally love being single. Mediocrity is totally the right word here. He is indolent, he even admitted it himself. How can I be with someone who is so god damn lazy? I can't.
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    (Original post by gamerchic)
    Hi guys,

    I've recently started dating someone new and we've been spending time together. It's been going okay to be honest. It started off well but getting to know him well as been a bit poor. To put it simpler I try super hard to really strike up conversation and get to know him, although I don't feel like I'm getting the same in return.

    It's always the same situation. We see each other after work, we kiss, make out , eat and then talk about work... because it's the only thing he really talks about. We do briefly talk about other things but it's not stimulating conversation. My point is, is that we are both physically attracted to each other but mentally...there is no connection.

    I think of dating as doing fun things together (bike rides, museums, dinners, walking through the woods, adventure) but he's super laid back to the point where even though I know he doesn't mean it but it's almost way too laidback to the point of no effort.

    Also, he just moved to England and I feel like there's a huge cultural/language barrier. He is also 5 years older than me and that's a bit too much for me. When I'm 25, he'll be 30... scary.

    He's a nice guy and very charming and there is absolutely nothing wrong with him as a person but he HIMSELF has said that if I did want to see someone else that it would be okay! That's kind of sparked a red flag already for me.

    He is into me as much I am into him but I'm tired of the effort being one-sided. I like excitement and thrill and I understand that cant always be the case 24/7 but even a good conversation at the café seems impossible with him.

    I don't want to be that jerk who didn't give someone a chance but I have given him the chance and I don't feel the "spark"..... I never miss him when he's gone and I'm never excited to see him. My head says give him a chance but my heart says just leave it be.

    WHAT SHOULD I DO??????????
    Girl I feel you
 
 
 
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