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    Today I woke up on what seems like every other today hearing about another terrorist attack that has happened in europe. One commentator described isis as the beast entering our home the refugees our fleeing from, so anyway it inspired me to write this poem. Please tell me what you think.

    Fleeing the beastOne three animals left their home, they decided to fleeFor one goat cried: the threat of the wolf is too much fortheeThey travelled for days, through day and nightIn search of a safe place, where their future is brightThen they came across a home, somewhere safe to stayOwned by a sweet old woman, standing in the doorwayLet me come in o sweet woman, I am only a deerBecause the beast will surely eat me and I am stricken withfearYes my door is open to anyone fleeing the beastIf I didn’t let you in, you’d surely be his next feastLet me come in o sweet woman, I am only a sheepFor if I was left out here, he would eat me in my sleep.Yes my door is open to anyone fleeing the beastIf I didn’t let you in, you’d surely be his next feastLet me come in o sweet woman, I am only a goatFor he is coming for me, the wolf is cutthroatYes my door is open to anyone fleeing the beastIf I didn’t let you in, you’d surely be his next feastSo while that night, the animals slept safe in their bedThe wolf noticed that the animals had fledSo he searched day and night, stopping only to restFollowing their scent, guiding him north-westTill he came across a house by the lakesideWith an old sweet woman standing insideLet me come in o sweet woman for I am scaredFor if the beast were to eat me, it would be your fault hedeclaredBut I can’t let you enter, you’re a wolf with sharp clawsSo if we didn’t survive, you’d be the probable causePlease take me in as we are all the same, And will all return to the ground, from which we once came. Don’t leave me out here, it is wrong to discriminateFor you cannot ever defeat hate with more hateThe woman realised she wanted to love and be kindSo she let the wolf into her home, for she had changed hermindFor my door is open to anyone fleeing the beastIf I didn’t let you in, you’d surely be his next feastShe then welcomed the wolf with a hug, holding him tightBut instead of hugging back, he started to bite.I saved you from the beast, yet you have bit me and made mecryI see now you plan to eat us all, please tell me why.Oh you are stupid sweet woman, he said with a grinYou knew wolves were beasts before you took me in. ��FQ>ҭyG`b�
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    (Original post by string210)
    Today I woke up on what seems like every other today hearing about another terrorist attack that has happened in europe. One commentator described isis as the beast entering our home the refugees our fleeing from, so anyway it inspired me to write this poem. Please tell me what you think. * *��FQ>ҭyG`b�
    Fleeing the beast

    Once three animals left their home,
    they decided to flee
    For one goat cried:
    the threat of the wolf is too much for thee
    They travelled for days,
    through day and night
    In search of a safe place,
    where their future is bright
    Then they came across a home,
    somewhere safe to stay
    Owned by a sweet old woman,
    standing in the doorway
    Let me come in o sweet woman,
    I am only a deer
    Because the beast will surely eat me
    and I am stricken with fear
    Yes my door is open to anyone fleeing the beast
    If I didn’t let you in,
    you’d surely be his next feast
    Let me come in o sweet woman,
    *I am only a sheep
    For if I was left out here,
    he would eat me in my sleep.
    Yes my door is open to anyone fleeing the beast
    If I didn’t let you in,
    you’d surely be his next feast
    Let me come in o sweet woman,
    I am only a goat
    For he is coming for me,
    the wolf is cutthroat
    Yes my door is open to anyone fleeing the beast
    If I didn’t let you in,
    you’d surely be his next feast
    So while that night,
    the animals slept safe in their bed
    The wolf noticed that the animals had fled
    So he searched day and night,
    stopping only to rest
    Following their scent,
    guiding him north-west
    Till he came across a house by the lakeside
    With an old sweet woman standing inside
    Let me come in o sweet woman for I am scared
    For if the beast were to eat me,
    it would be your fault hedeclared
    But I can’t let you enter,
    you’re a wolf with sharp claws
    So if we didn’t survive,
    you’d be the probable cause
    Please take me in as we are all the same,
    And will all return to the ground,
    from which we once came.
    Don’t leave me out here,
    it is wrong to discriminate
    For you cannot ever defeat hate with more hate
    The woman realised she wanted to love and be kind
    So she let the wolf into her home,
    for she had changed her mind
    For my door is open to anyone fleeing the beast
    If I didn’t let you in,
    you’d surely be his next feast
    She then welcomed the wolf with a hug,
    holding him tight
    But instead of hugging back,
    he started to bite.
    I saved you from the beast,
    yet you have bit me and made me cry
    I see now you plan to eat us all,
    please tell me why.
    Oh you are stupid sweet woman,
    he said with a grin
    You knew wolves were beasts before you took me in.
    **

    very nice...*
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    Yes!
    AQA should add this in their anthology for English literature
    LOOL
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    I would personally like more metaphorical language or even a pentameter of some sort (iambic would be best). I adore the loose, and partially comical, allegory of how some are wolves in sheep's clothing, yet human kindness surpasses such beings. A few grammatical errors but apart from that, 11 out of 10!
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    (Original post by string210)
    Today I woke up on what seems like every other today hearing about another terrorist attack that has happened in europe. One commentator described isis as the beast entering our home the refugees our fleeing from, so anyway it inspired me to write this poem. Please tell me what you think.

    Fleeing the beastOne three animals left their home, they decided to fleeFor one goat cried: the threat of the wolf is too much fortheeThey travelled for days, through day and nightIn search of a safe place, where their future is brightThen they came across a home, somewhere safe to stayOwned by a sweet old woman, standing in the doorwayLet me come in o sweet woman, I am only a deerBecause the beast will surely eat me and I am stricken withfearYes my door is open to anyone fleeing the beastIf I didn’t let you in, you’d surely be his next feastLet me come in o sweet woman, I am only a sheepFor if I was left out here, he would eat me in my sleep.Yes my door is open to anyone fleeing the beastIf I didn’t let you in, you’d surely be his next feastLet me come in o sweet woman, I am only a goatFor he is coming for me, the wolf is cutthroatYes my door is open to anyone fleeing the beastIf I didn’t let you in, you’d surely be his next feastSo while that night, the animals slept safe in their bedThe wolf noticed that the animals had fledSo he searched day and night, stopping only to restFollowing their scent, guiding him north-westTill he came across a house by the lakesideWith an old sweet woman standing insideLet me come in o sweet woman for I am scaredFor if the beast were to eat me, it would be your fault hedeclaredBut I can’t let you enter, you’re a wolf with sharp clawsSo if we didn’t survive, you’d be the probable causePlease take me in as we are all the same, And will all return to the ground, from which we once came. Don’t leave me out here, it is wrong to discriminateFor you cannot ever defeat hate with more hateThe woman realised she wanted to love and be kindSo she let the wolf into her home, for she had changed hermindFor my door is open to anyone fleeing the beastIf I didn’t let you in, you’d surely be his next feastShe then welcomed the wolf with a hug, holding him tightBut instead of hugging back, he started to bite.I saved you from the beast, yet you have bit me and made mecryI see now you plan to eat us all, please tell me why.Oh you are stupid sweet woman, he said with a grinYou knew wolves were beasts before you took me in. ��FQ>ҭyG`b�
    The poem as a whole is a pleasant read but you can tell it's only a first draft, it needs some revising.

    'One three' animals just doesn't sound right, was that a mistake or a deliberate language device?**Just read it again realised it was meant to be 'once' the use of which, on its own doesn't work in context. I understand what you're getting at, perhaps using 'once upon a time' or going straight for 'Three animals...'

    'one goat cried: the threat of the wolf is too much for thee' Thee meaning you the sentence doesn't make too much sense I think just using 'me instead of 'thee' feels more comfortable to say and less confusing.

    'They travelled for days, through day and night In search of a safe place where their future is bright' the repetition of the word days is again awkward for me. How about replacing the first 'days' with weeks or months. I personally might add a through between the and and night so it read: 'through day and through night' instead. And using 'would be' instead of 'is' would also be more grammatically correct in my opinion.

    'Then they came across a home, somewhere safe to stay Owned by a sweet old woman, standing in the doorway' .. not much to say but I personally may rephrase that to be dear old lady or just dear lady. But not really important.

    'Let me come in o sweet woman, I am only a deer Because the beast will surely eat me and I am stricken with fear' Another nice line (well 4). But removing the and would keep the flow better. I also think that a full stop to separate the two sentences would help the reader to understand it.

    'Yes my door is open to anyone fleeing the beast If I didn’t let you in, you’d surely be his next feast'. Just grammatically speech marks. I personally prefer 'My door is open to all who flee the beast' but again that is personal preference.

    'Let me come in o sweet woman, I am only a sheep. For if I was left out here, he would eat me in my sleep.' I like the idea of repetition of the the lines but there is something that just doesn't sit well in the poem with 'o sweet woman' perhaps replacing it with a different phrase might make it more fluid. But the line from the sheep is nice. And the repetition is effective.

    Another repeated line, with what I said about it last time.

    'Let me come in o sweet woman, I am only a goat For he is coming for me, the wolf is cutthroat' Again using repetition. Nice. This animal details the wolf, unlike his two predecessors, personally I think it breaks the flow, how about something nearer ' For I am only a goat and if he came for me in the night he would surely have/cut/slit my throat' As this maintains the repetitive structure of the animals responses. Also perhaps refer to him as the beast, to keep the reader in suspense?

    Another repeated line. Fair. fits the structure.

    'So while that night, the animals slept safe in their bed The wolf noticed that the animals had fled' I don't lie the 'so' it has no purpose or value in this line. Perhaps 'whilst' rather than 'while'. 'the animals' isn't great either perhaps 'his prey' might be better.

    'So he searched day and night, stopping only to rest' This line I don't think works at all in the poem. Again a redundant 'So' is the first thing to go. After which it feels like he's a halfhearted wolf really. I would go with 'He searched day and he searched night, refusing to give up the fight?'
    Or
    'He searched day and night, his constant hunt without rest?'
    Or
    'He frolicked gaily after them in only a vest'

    'Following their scent, guiding him north-west' Perhaps he was 'tracking' or hunting their scent rather than halfheartedly following it?

    'Till he came across a house by the lakeside With an old sweet woman standing inside' Perhaps description of the house? 'Crumbling'? 'Old'? 'Tiny'? Or perhaps it was a 'cottage'? Using a crumbling cottage would give alliteration.

    'Let me come in o sweet woman for I am scared For if the beast were to eat me, it would be your fault he declared' Nice repetition again and the use of the word 'declared' suggesting he is forcing his will on the woman is again nice.

    'But I can’t let you enter, you’re a wolf with sharp claws So if we didn’t survive, you’d be the probable cause' I like that line. Nice as it is.

    'Please take me in as we are all the same, And will all return to the ground, from which we once came.' I would replace the 'as' with a simple comma, so much nicer to say. Other than that nothing to comment on really.

    'Don’t leave me out here, it is wrong to discriminate For you cannot ever defeat hate with more hate' Perhaps proposing it as a rhetorical question would build on the effect. 'Don't leave me out here! Is it not wrong to discriminate?' This is one of few lines where I would actually suggest using 'and' rather than for as the Wolf is continuing his point.

    'The woman realised she wanted to love and be kind So she let the wolf into her home, for she had changed her mind' Perhaps forcing the point with 'should' rather than 'wanted to' But other than that a nice line.

    'For my door is open to anyone fleeing the beast If I didn’t let you in, you’d surely be his next feast' The repetition from earlier adds a nice touch, the only change I would say is what I have said above.

    'She then welcomed the wolf with a hug, holding him tight But instead of hugging back, he started to bite.' The 'then' feels a bit wrong I'd get rid of it. Perhaps instead of 'hugging back' you could try 'returning affection'

    'I saved you from the beast, yet you have bit me and made me cry I see now you plan to eat us all, please tell me why?' The whole line feels a bit childish after the previous bits perhaps replacing it with something nearer 'I had mercy I saved you from the beast yet you see me now me as something to eat/ on which to feast?' (That isn't a very good example I'm sure you could think of something better)

    'Oh you are stupid sweet woman, he said with a grin You knew wolves were beasts before you took me in.' A lovely idea to leave the poem on. But putting a comma between the stupid and sweet would give it the desired effect and using speech marks. And perhaps altering it 'You knew wolves were beasts yet you took me in.'


    All in all that was a nice poem to read. I hope you understand all the things I have said are suggestions and improve your poem according to what you agree with. This poem has some nice potential and the analogy is quite clever, but with a little literary polishing this could be an excellent poem. If you still take English lit. or lang. you might even want to give your teacher a copy to look at. I hope this helped and sorry if you feel I was being a little too critical.
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    sorry i was on holiday, thanks for the great responses, i am actually studying to be a scientist, so was a bit of a spur of the moment thing. Thanks a lot and i will try to revise it a bit!
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    (Original post by string210)
    sorry i was on holiday, thanks for the great responses, i am actually studying to be a scientist, so was a bit of a spur of the moment thing. Thanks a lot and i will try to revise it a bit!
    Hey nice poem btw. There's just small minor mistakes would rate it 10/10! I used to write poems and got one of my poem published as well but now I couldn't find anything to write about.... Hey maybe after you have revised you poem why don't you try publishing it?
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    (Original post by Workangel_24)
    Hey nice poem btw. There's just small minor mistakes would rate it 10/10! I used to write poems and got one of my poem published as well but now I couldn't find anything to write about.... Hey maybe after you have revised you poem why don't you try publishing it?
    Where would i publish it too though?
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    (Original post by string210)
    Where would i publish it too though?
    This looks like a good website https://www.forwardpoetry.co.uk
 
 
 
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