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Too much anger in my relationship = upsetting Watch

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    I've been with my girlfriend for about 5 years now, we live together, and are planning on getting married soon. However, she has a terrible temper and often belittles me for various tiny transgressions.

    For instance if don't do something fast enough - today this was me looking up a movie on Metacritic and she grabbed my laptop in anger and said how she "has to do everything herself". I was doing my best.

    She often expects me to read her mind. Like the other day I was making meatballs and asked her how many she wanted and she goes "I don't ****ing know, just a normal amount". I can't ever ask her how hungry she is because she never knows, this makes making dinner difficult and leads to more raised voices.

    I have a hearing problem when there's a lot of background noise, I have told her this so many times but if I ask her to repeat what she said in those kind of environments she loses it, shouts and says "nevermind, i'm not repeating myself again". So I just sit there confused.

    All this really upsets me. There are hundreds more examples, I don't think a day goes past wiithout her getting angry at least once, usually at me. I love her so much and would do anything to her though I'm not the brightest guy and I have a diagnosed anxiety illness so sometimes things are very difficult to deal with and then her getting angry on top for whatever really upsets me.

    I know there's no way she'll go to anger management classes and I DO NOT WANT TO BREAK UP WITH HER. I just want her to chill out a bit more and savethe anger for situations when it's justified.

    CAn anyone advise or relate?
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    I get the feeling you shower your girlftriend with love and compliments. Therefore sometimes the recipient can become complacent and develop a bit of a brattish attitude. I was in a relationship like this and I played your role. Your gf wont ever see a problem because you're in completely different relationships. Your in a volatile, tense relationship where you are made to feel **** and get upset. Shes in one where she is loved, spoilt with affection and doesn't need to try to make you happy or love her because no doubt you are forthcoming with your feelings and she is taking this love for granted. If this is the case I suggest you taper down the efforts and act complacent yourself, make her earn your love and efforts, I bet the moment you stop fawning over her overtly she,ll panic and act a little more loving. It worked for me. Good luck and dont be door mat. Love her or not you shouldnt accepting this, if it were the other way round, and the gf was saying this there would be uproars of dump him!

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    (Original post by KingLhasaApso)
    I get the feeling you shower your girlftriend with love and compliments. Therefore sometimes the recipient can become complacent and develop a bit of a brattish attitude. I was in a relationship like this and I played your role. Your gf wont ever see a problem because you're in completely different relationships. Your in a volatile, tense relationship where you are made to feel **** and get upset. Shes in one where she is loved, spoilt with affection and doesn't need to try to make you happy or love her because no doubt you are forthcoming with your feelings and she is taking this love for granted. If this is the case I suggest you taper down the efforts and act complacent yourself, make her earn your love and efforts, I bet the moment you stop fawning over her overtly she,ll panic and act a little more loving. It worked for me. Good luck and dont be door mat. Love her or not you shouldnt accepting this, if it were the other way round, and the gf was saying this there would be uproars of dump him!

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    Thank you for the reply. I think you talk a lot of sense. I compliment her every day just stuff like oh that new top looks nice on you, or I like what you have done with your hair today but she rarely compliments me back. However, when I've asked her to say what she likes more often she accuses me of "fishing".

    I love her so much and her anger is the main source of trouble in the relationship from my point of view. Having said that I'm unsure about taking your advice to tone it down because I worry about losing her. I don't compliment her untruthfully, I do actually like her new top or hair but I do feel left out when she never returns it. I have made my peace with the whole complimenting thing but it's the anger I hate most of all. Sometimes she apologises after but not really very often.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been with my girlfriend for about 5 years now, we live together, and are planning on getting married soon. However, she has a terrible temper and often belittles me for various tiny transgressions.

    For instance if don't do something fast enough - today this was me looking up a movie on Metacritic and she grabbed my laptop in anger and said how she "has to do everything herself". I was doing my best.

    She often expects me to read her mind. Like the other day I was making meatballs and asked her how many she wanted and she goes "I don't ****ing know, just a normal amount". I can't ever ask her how hungry she is because she never knows, this makes making dinner difficult and leads to more raised voices.

    I have a hearing problem when there's a lot of background noise, I have told her this so many times but if I ask her to repeat what she said in those kind of environments she loses it, shouts and says "nevermind, i'm not repeating myself again". So I just sit there confused.

    All this really upsets me. There are hundreds more examples, I don't think a day goes past wiithout her getting angry at least once, usually at me. I love her so much and would do anything to her though I'm not the brightest guy and I have a diagnosed anxiety illness so sometimes things are very difficult to deal with and then her getting angry on top for whatever really upsets me.

    I know there's no way she'll go to anger management classes and I DO NOT WANT TO BREAK UP WITH HER. I just want her to chill out a bit more and savethe anger for situations when it's justified.

    CAn anyone advise or relate?
    Reminds me of my missus. Bottle it, or try online hookers? lol
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been with my girlfriend for about 5 years now, we live together, and are planning on getting married soon. However, she has a terrible temper and often belittles me for various tiny transgressions.

    For instance if don't do something fast enough - today this was me looking up a movie on Metacritic and she grabbed my laptop in anger and said how she "has to do everything herself". I was doing my best.

    She often expects me to read her mind. Like the other day I was making meatballs and asked her how many she wanted and she goes "I don't ****ing know, just a normal amount". I can't ever ask her how hungry she is because she never knows, this makes making dinner difficult and leads to more raised voices.

    I have a hearing problem when there's a lot of background noise, I have told her this so many times but if I ask her to repeat what she said in those kind of environments she loses it, shouts and says "nevermind, i'm not repeating myself again". So I just sit there confused.

    All this really upsets me. There are hundreds more examples, I don't think a day goes past wiithout her getting angry at least once, usually at me. I love her so much and would do anything to her though I'm not the brightest guy and I have a diagnosed anxiety illness so sometimes things are very difficult to deal with and then her getting angry on top for whatever really upsets me.

    I know there's no way she'll go to anger management classes and I DO NOT WANT TO BREAK UP WITH HER. I just want her to chill out a bit more and savethe anger for situations when it's justified.

    CAn anyone advise or relate?
    Why on earth would you want to marry someone like that ?
    She sounds absolutely awful but all relationships / marriages are like yours but it does not mean you have to put up with it.
    When she shouts at you shout back at her and tell her to **** off
    You have to stand up for yourself or she will carry on treating you like ****
    She does it because you let her get away with it. You must tell her the way she treats you makes you unhappy or angry.
    You must demand that she goes to anger management or there will be no wedding, Now have you got the balls to tell her this or will you just put up with it for the rest of your life ?
    If she really loves you she would go to anger management so you should tell her that
    I would never let anyone treat me like that
    She sounds like a Bridezilla. Type that on You Tube and watch videos of these dreadful women who are about to get married and the stupid men who still go ahead and marry these awful women knowing that they will be miserable with that person for the rest of their lives
    Those men are called pussies, their absolute idiots and your life will be exactly the same where you will be miserable through out the whole relationship / marriage
    unless you grow a back bone or grow some balls to tell her off whenever she shouts at you
    I think your too scared to try to find someone who is nice to you and appreciates it when you cook for them and treats you with respect so that's why you put up with her behaviour

    Next time you make meatballs and she says she does not know how much she wants just give her 2 meatballs to piss her off or even better just give her none but just the pasta and sauce only.
    Sorry to be so harsh but someone has to tell you the truth
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been with my girlfriend for about 5 years now, we live together, and are planning on getting married soon. However, she has a terrible temper and often belittles me for various tiny transgressions.

    For instance if don't do something fast enough - today this was me looking up a movie on Metacritic and she grabbed my laptop in anger and said how she "has to do everything herself". I was doing my best.

    She often expects me to read her mind. Like the other day I was making meatballs and asked her how many she wanted and she goes "I don't ****ing know, just a normal amount". I can't ever ask her how hungry she is because she never knows, this makes making dinner difficult and leads to more raised voices.

    I have a hearing problem when there's a lot of background noise, I have told her this so many times but if I ask her to repeat what she said in those kind of environments she loses it, shouts and says "nevermind, i'm not repeating myself again". So I just sit there confused.

    All this really upsets me. There are hundreds more examples, I don't think a day goes past wiithout her getting angry at least once, usually at me. I love her so much and would do anything to her though I'm not the brightest guy and I have a diagnosed anxiety illness so sometimes things are very difficult to deal with and then her getting angry on top for whatever really upsets me.

    I know there's no way she'll go to anger management classes and I DO NOT WANT TO BREAK UP WITH HER. I just want her to chill out a bit more and savethe anger for situations when it's justified.

    CAn anyone advise or relate?
    You made your bed. Sleep in it, or move out. Simples?

    A relationship is about give and take. Sure sometimes they appear to take the piss, but rather than come on tsr and expect a group of strangers to solve your relationship problems, why don't you start by taking a good look in the mirror? And then continue with a good chat with your girlfriend. Sometimes a talk can go a long way to solve these issues you know?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been with my girlfriend for about 5 years now, we live together, and are planning on getting married soon. However, she has a terrible temper and often belittles me for various tiny transgressions.

    For instance if don't do something fast enough - today this was me looking up a movie on Metacritic and she grabbed my laptop in anger and said how she "has to do everything herself". I was doing my best.

    She often expects me to read her mind. Like the other day I was making meatballs and asked her how many she wanted and she goes "I don't ****ing know, just a normal amount". I can't ever ask her how hungry she is because she never knows, this makes making dinner difficult and leads to more raised voices.

    I have a hearing problem when there's a lot of background noise, I have told her this so many times but if I ask her to repeat what she said in those kind of environments she loses it, shouts and says "nevermind, i'm not repeating myself again". So I just sit there confused.

    All this really upsets me. There are hundreds more examples, I don't think a day goes past wiithout her getting angry at least once, usually at me. I love her so much and would do anything to her though I'm not the brightest guy and I have a diagnosed anxiety illness so sometimes things are very difficult to deal with and then her getting angry on top for whatever really upsets me.

    I know there's no way she'll go to anger management classes and I DO NOT WANT TO BREAK UP WITH HER. I just want her to chill out a bit more and savethe anger for situations when it's justified.

    CAn anyone advise or relate?
    Mate, I am gonna tell you something it seems nobody has ever told you:

    Spoiler:
    Show
    You are a pussy.


    Sounds like your gf doesnt respect you as a man or as the leader. She 's obvs the one wearing the pants in the relationship.

    You need to man up and put her in place, and tell her she needs to cut the BS and her attitude.

    If she marrying you it sounds like she will just be marrying you for your "beta bux / beta provider" status.

    I highly recommend you read "the red pill" reddiit forum. Will teach you how to put your woman in her place.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I've been with my girlfriend for about 5 years now, we live together, and are planning on getting married soon. However, she has a terrible temper and often belittles me for various tiny transgressions.

    For instance if don't do something fast enough - today this was me looking up a movie on Metacritic and she grabbed my laptop in anger and said how she "has to do everything herself". I was doing my best.

    She often expects me to read her mind. Like the other day I was making meatballs and asked her how many she wanted and she goes "I don't ****ing know, just a normal amount". I can't ever ask her how hungry she is because she never knows, this makes making dinner difficult and leads to more raised voices.

    I have a hearing problem when there's a lot of background noise, I have told her this so many times but if I ask her to repeat what she said in those kind of environments she loses it, shouts and says "nevermind, i'm not repeating myself again". So I just sit there confused.

    All this really upsets me. There are hundreds more examples, I don't think a day goes past wiithout her getting angry at least once, usually at me. I love her so much and would do anything to her though I'm not the brightest guy and I have a diagnosed anxiety illness so sometimes things are very difficult to deal with and then her getting angry on top for whatever really upsets me.

    I know there's no way she'll go to anger management classes and I DO NOT WANT TO BREAK UP WITH HER. I just want her to chill out a bit more and savethe anger for situations when it's justified.

    CAn anyone advise or relate?
    All this anger and resentment will transpire in marriage and beyond. She won't change, and it'll be tenfold worse.

    I commend you for putting up with it for 5 years, but you're now at an important crossroad.

    Either you stay with her, marry, put up with her anger, and eventually divorce, or you

    Or you end it with her and move on.


    You have to look at this selfishly though, forget about how she might feel if you end it, just think about you and only you. Look at how the relationship is affecting you, your health and mental well-being.


    I, personally, would end it with her now before it turns physical. Jump ship and move on to better women who'll treat you like a man and not a doormat.
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    It is impossible to tell if she is systematically abusing you or if you are over-reacting given your anxiety disorder (or both). I would suggest going to see a professional couples therapist or just a single one for you. What is obvious is that something is not working for you.
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    I understand what your saying about losing her if you cool it down your scared she will leave you. Im pretty confident she wont, but say she did then that tells you all you need to know, that you dont love each other the same amount and have been labouring under false pretence, but like I said im certain she wont I've seen this behaviour shitloads of times, she just needs her wings clipping a bit!! As you say your compliments are genuinely heartfelt but it sometimes can inflate the recipients ego so much, they believe they are in total control and they have you as long as they want you. Unfortunately this overinflation can blinker the senses and they can become oblivious to how they are behaving back. Your gf needs a gentle reminder that whilst your love for her is infinite, there is a matter of mutual respect and treating you decently that has been lost along the way, allowing this behaviour to continue is giving the wrong message and also is not good for you, as far as stress is concerned the body bears the brunt. You say you want to marry her, then maybe if you both want youll have kids, then its even more important to stop this behaviour, as im sure you wouldnt want your kids to think this behaviour is acceptable as a giver or a receiver. I know thats a dramatic example but its real life.
    You sound as though your willing to accept this to keep her, its not a great foundation so if the rose tints turn to poo tints this relationship has the potential to get really messy as youll have plenty of pent up frustration to rip.
    You need to think about what your worth rather than what you want.
    Just a little female perspective here, I know plenty of girls who openly admit to exploiting their bfs because they are such pushovers, they all say they want a man who stands up for himself a bit, will take charge and are able, they openly admit to being brattish and petulent because they get away with it and its a way of testing the bfs love. Im not talking abuse here or anything like, but sometimes if your prepared to do all the work youll find there are plenty of people out there who'll let you do it. You get what im saying.

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    Seems like you back yourself into a corner.
    Talk to her- but seems like she wont listen and wont change.

    I wouldnt marry her- way too much aggro.
    If you do then you are marrying the anger as well, so will have to accept it.

    Point is she either wont listen or doesnt care how it affects you. What sort of relationship is that?

    Life too short for that shizzle.
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    (Original post by john2054)
    Reminds me of my missus. Bottle it, or try online hookers? lol
    O.O
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Having said that I'm unsure about taking your advice to tone it down because I worry about losing her.
    Which is why anyone who falls into the trap of depending upon a romantic relationship as their primary source of validation is ultimately complicit in their own downfall: I would break-up with someone long before allowing them to demean and denigrate me in this fashion; you don't, because you lack the conviction that you necessarily deserve better, and have thus inadvertently enabled your partner's own, unchecked narcissism to prevail. Likewise, she has come to rely on this petty subjugation of you to procure a sense of empowerment which she lacks elsewhere; so be forewarned that five years into the relationship, any whiff of dissent, protest or wilful agitation on your part, however legitimate, will be (ironically) construed as an unprovoked, brazen act of hostility tantamount to emotional betrayal, and denounced accordingly.

    In the aftermath of such harrowing confrontation, only if she truly values you at an intrinsic level—for your demeanour, personality, integrity and intellectual character—will she then assent to redressing the balance-of-power more equitably. Otherwise, she'll simply resort to disparaging you in the harshest possible terms, whilst seeking out another, similarly hapless and unsuspecting vassal to service the passive-aggressive whims of her fundamentally self-loathing ego (because, hey, self-delusion is a hell of a lot easier than self-critique providing others are sufficiently desperate to subscribe to your grandiose power-fantasy).

    Either way, if you've any self-worth at all, you can't possibly lose.

    Edit: I say this as a (somewhat reconstructed) narcissist myself.
 
 
 
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