How come when im assertive, I make situations worse?
People say im very quiet and 'nice' as I usually accept how people are and hate confrontation. If I feel insulted personally i will feel angry but just end up not saying anything and ignoring the person. The thing is, when im 'assertive' and try to stick up for myself i always end up losing and making things worse.
For example my bf often says things about me which i dont like, since ive never really had a social life like most people nor dated properly he says im not normal, its my upbringing and that ive lived with parents too long. He criticises the way i eat saying i 'eat like a pig' and that im not feminine. I feel angry inside when he makes the comments but tend to ignore it. He also says that im not assertive enough.
He has helped me a lot over the years in sport and coaches trampolining. I train with a group and have struggled for a long time go get a certain technique, partly due to fear. Last week he was nice initially and tried to help but then he said in front of the group 'you have been with your parents to long, your parents have pampered you thats why youve not got the balls', this secretly annoyed me. He asked if i was trying again and i said 'no, i dont like your attitude'. At the same time as i said that a girls mother (whose daughter he coaches) just happened to walk in and hear me. She did a sarcastic laugh and said 'he's the coach he's allowed to have an attitude, you're the athlete'. I got even more annoyed as she had just butted in without hearing the convo, nor does she know that i date him. I said nothing but later i said to my bf 'its not just when coaching, i dont like your attitude outside sport'.
I have text him since but he is not replying and is ignoring my calls. Also someone said that the spectators who heard me say that have been saying i was rude/have been gossiping.
This is what i mean, i felt i was just being assertive but theres never been a time when ive been successful at it without being shot down or furthering the confrontation. What am i doing wrong? Just wanted advice
For example my bf often says things about me which i dont like, since ive never really had a social life like most people nor dated properly he says im not normal, its my upbringing and that ive lived with parents too long. He criticises the way i eat saying i 'eat like a pig' and that im not feminine. I feel angry inside when he makes the comments but tend to ignore it. He also says that im not assertive enough.
He has helped me a lot over the years in sport and coaches trampolining. I train with a group and have struggled for a long time go get a certain technique, partly due to fear. Last week he was nice initially and tried to help but then he said in front of the group 'you have been with your parents to long, your parents have pampered you thats why youve not got the balls', this secretly annoyed me. He asked if i was trying again and i said 'no, i dont like your attitude'. At the same time as i said that a girls mother (whose daughter he coaches) just happened to walk in and hear me. She did a sarcastic laugh and said 'he's the coach he's allowed to have an attitude, you're the athlete'. I got even more annoyed as she had just butted in without hearing the convo, nor does she know that i date him. I said nothing but later i said to my bf 'its not just when coaching, i dont like your attitude outside sport'.
I have text him since but he is not replying and is ignoring my calls. Also someone said that the spectators who heard me say that have been saying i was rude/have been gossiping.
This is what i mean, i felt i was just being assertive but theres never been a time when ive been successful at it without being shot down or furthering the confrontation. What am i doing wrong? Just wanted advice
Nothing wrong with being assertive and a lot right.
Maybe you need to pick your moment and the way you do it. I cant say its rude, but then only you and he know how you communicate. I think as a coach he is allowed to have his own style and it yp to you whether its suitable or not, if not find another coach.
As your bf then thats a different issue and you should maybe clear the air and tell him how you feel plus how youd like to communicate better then reach a compromise. he will have frustrations as well. If you cnat then you are on one of the slow declines till you end.
Let him ignore you for a week and let the dust settle.
The spectators wont know the whole story.
Maybe you need to pick your moment and the way you do it. I cant say its rude, but then only you and he know how you communicate. I think as a coach he is allowed to have his own style and it yp to you whether its suitable or not, if not find another coach.
As your bf then thats a different issue and you should maybe clear the air and tell him how you feel plus how youd like to communicate better then reach a compromise. he will have frustrations as well. If you cnat then you are on one of the slow declines till you end.
Let him ignore you for a week and let the dust settle.
The spectators wont know the whole story.
Ok thanks ^. Yes I get that coaches have their own style but its like where do you draw the line between an authortarian style an being degrading if that makes sense. I guess i could say its just how he coaches if he made similar comments to others but he doesnt. Probably bevause im the closest person to him in his life at the moment.
Original post by Anonymous
People say im very quiet and 'nice' as I usually accept how people are and hate confrontation. If I feel insulted personally i will feel angry but just end up not saying anything and ignoring the person. The thing is, when im 'assertive' and try to stick up for myself i always end up losing and making things worse.
For example my bf often says things about me which i dont like, since ive never really had a social life like most people nor dated properly he says im not normal, its my upbringing and that ive lived with parents too long. He criticises the way i eat saying i 'eat like a pig' and that im not feminine. I feel angry inside when he makes the comments but tend to ignore it. He also says that im not assertive enough.
He has helped me a lot over the years in sport and coaches trampolining. I train with a group and have struggled for a long time go get a certain technique, partly due to fear. Last week he was nice initially and tried to help but then he said in front of the group 'you have been with your parents to long, your parents have pampered you thats why youve not got the balls', this secretly annoyed me. He asked if i was trying again and i said 'no, i dont like your attitude'. At the same time as i said that a girls mother (whose daughter he coaches) just happened to walk in and hear me. She did a sarcastic laugh and said 'he's the coach he's allowed to have an attitude, you're the athlete'. I got even more annoyed as she had just butted in without hearing the convo, nor does she know that i date him. I said nothing but later i said to my bf 'its not just when coaching, i dont like your attitude outside sport'.
I have text him since but he is not replying and is ignoring my calls. Also someone said that the spectators who heard me say that have been saying i was rude/have been gossiping.
This is what i mean, i felt i was just being assertive but theres never been a time when ive been successful at it without being shot down or furthering the confrontation. What am i doing wrong? Just wanted advice
For example my bf often says things about me which i dont like, since ive never really had a social life like most people nor dated properly he says im not normal, its my upbringing and that ive lived with parents too long. He criticises the way i eat saying i 'eat like a pig' and that im not feminine. I feel angry inside when he makes the comments but tend to ignore it. He also says that im not assertive enough.
He has helped me a lot over the years in sport and coaches trampolining. I train with a group and have struggled for a long time go get a certain technique, partly due to fear. Last week he was nice initially and tried to help but then he said in front of the group 'you have been with your parents to long, your parents have pampered you thats why youve not got the balls', this secretly annoyed me. He asked if i was trying again and i said 'no, i dont like your attitude'. At the same time as i said that a girls mother (whose daughter he coaches) just happened to walk in and hear me. She did a sarcastic laugh and said 'he's the coach he's allowed to have an attitude, you're the athlete'. I got even more annoyed as she had just butted in without hearing the convo, nor does she know that i date him. I said nothing but later i said to my bf 'its not just when coaching, i dont like your attitude outside sport'.
I have text him since but he is not replying and is ignoring my calls. Also someone said that the spectators who heard me say that have been saying i was rude/have been gossiping.
This is what i mean, i felt i was just being assertive but theres never been a time when ive been successful at it without being shot down or furthering the confrontation. What am i doing wrong? Just wanted advice
I'm the same, when I stand up to people treating me like crap they usually throw a hissy fit and either stop being friends with me or try to turn it around and say im the one being mean to them. i think it depends on the person youre being assertive to, mature people will listen to what you have to say and take it on board and try to change to not hurt your feelings (or whatever it is) again. less mature people wont take it so well, especially if theyre used to walking all over you. i think it also depends on *how* you deliver it. theres a difference between being assertive and aggressive and its sometimes hard to get it right, especially if youre new to standing up for yourself. it can be hard not to let your emotions overcome you.
also aside, in my opinion your boyfriend doesnt sound like hes treating you with much respect, and tbh if you arent being assertive and putting your foot down he will continue to be an ******* to you (by the sounds of it) because youre allowing it. just my opinion, but he doesnt sound like hes very nice to you.
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