Turn on thread page Beta
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    My most recent work:

    The Scorpion

    The brown scorpion
    Scuttles into the sunlight.
    It lifts its tail
    Ready to strike.

    It runs like the wind
    Around the yard,
    It's skin is like orange rind,
    It's black eyes are hard.

    It sees a small rat
    Over by the fence,
    Only a baby,
    It has no defense.

    The scorpion leaps
    Onto its prey
    The poor little beast
    Cannot get away.

    The scorpion rules
    The whole of the yard -
    Nature is cruel,
    and fate can be hard.
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    It's much better than the last one of yours I've read. Some quires though.


    1.' It runs like the wind
    Around the yard,''

    This is an unusual metaphor. It doesn't seem to capture anything, unless you can enlighten me of it.

    2. 'Over by the fence'

    a) Is this an atempt to rhyme 'fence' with 'defnce'
    b) is this scorpion in its natural habit
    c) is thi observation in a controlled habit or a 'yard', therefore if it was controlled why a baby rat instead of something more fufilling?

    or lastly,

    d)I am over analysing


    However, I do like the following:

    'Nature is cruel,
    and fate can be hard.'


    and lastly.. scorpions are an interesting poetic symbol.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by thegreatprocrastinator)
    It's much better than the last one of yours I've read. Some quires though.


    1.' It runs like the wind
    Around the yard,''

    This is an unusual metaphor. It doesn't seem to capture anything, unless you can enlighten me of it.
    I was likening the running to the wind to depict the sheer speed of the scorpion as it made its way across the yard.

    2. 'Over by the fence'

    a) Is this an atempt to rhyme 'fence' with 'defnce'
    b) is this scorpion in its natural habit
    c) is thi observation in a controlled habit or a 'yard', therefore if it was controlled why a baby rat instead of something more fufilling?

    or lastly,

    d)I am over analysing
    The yard is not an enclosed space. It has a fence along one side separating it from the house, and the rest opens onto a field. The scorpion has its nest in a woodpile near the fence which is its home.



    and lastly.. scorpions are an interesting poetic symbol.
    I find scorpions very interesting. I have seen hundreds of them in my life.
    Offline

    8
    ReputationRep:
    Thankyou it now makes sense to me. The 'yard' threw me off.
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    "only a baby" -best line
    Where's the love, the heart ache and the pain? hehe
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    1
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by blackswan)
    "only a baby" -best line
    Where's the love, the heart ache and the pain? hehe
    Thank you. I was hoping to evoke the vunerability of the tiny rat, no match for the hunting prowess of the mighty scorpion.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
Turn on thread page Beta
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

This forum is supported by:
Updated: July 11, 2007
Poll
Black Friday: Yay or Nay?
Useful resources

Quick link:

Unanswered creative corner threads

Groups associated with this forum:

View associated groups

The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

Write a reply...
Reply
Hide
Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.