Too many disappointments in my social life making me depressed - length warning

When I say I am not happy with my social life, I don't mean in terms of going out. I go out on enough ocassions but not everyday as I do have plenty of priorities to manage - such as the damn job hunt. Going out everyday would not make me happy with my social life anyway.

Since I started university, I have been through the whole "like a girl" phase - or problem, really. I haven't learn anything (except that I fall for the wrong girls who don't deserve me), and then I make all the wrong decisions. I'm 21 and I lack any real experience (I hate people who say failures like this is experience - it isn't compared to a proper r'ship). I'm 21 and I haven't done half the things described in this section of this forum. That makes me cringe.

However, what really depresses me is that in all of these situations, they are just a waste of time. I seem to have a lot of bad luck in this area of life, but usually good luck or a good level of skill in other areas of life. Either the girl I like is taken, has stupidly strict parents, is childish (difference been childish and girly), or is just a plain bitch or doesn't like me in the same way as I like her. In the latter case, the situation has worked out in such a way that we never actaully talk about the issue. The girl just says I see you as a mate, despite always acting - before and after - as if she does like me! Not much chance for closure then. Pretty much every girl I end up liking is not right for me and I end up learning all this the hard way - like by making undue effort. And as for learning lessons, that's no consolation because when you learn a lesson you know you made a potentially fatal mistake and you're scared of making the same mistake again.

The first girl I liked wasn't just my best mate but was also taken. What kinda mixed up situation is that? A bit too much for someone with no experience. As you can imagine, to handle my emotions I had to learn a lot quickly. Second time I liked a girl - the girl had stupid parents. Third and more recent ocassion, the girl was just a plain bitch. It seems plain harsh on me that I'm dumped in a situation that I didn't - and still don't - understand and then I have to learn so much so quickly to keep it all together. Furthermore, a situation like this is hardly a situation I can ask my mates about because I'd look bad and loose mates - which happened! What's the point of such a situation?

I can guarantee that when a girl I don't want to talk to comes on msn like the last girl I liked who was/is a bitch - and also another girl whom I respect - then the girl whom I have no desire to talk to will message me first with something stupid like can I see your cv or whatever bs. She wouldn't care about how I feel. And I should be her mate - sure... Things like this really annoy and depress me.

I wouldn't mind being this gal's mate and I wouldn't have these funny mood swings if only she would show some care (which is why I think she is a crap mate), and if I didn't make so many poor decisions - and the only way I know they're poor is after they're made! It sucks to think that all it would take was one or two different decisions and we would officially date. At least it seems I got that close from the way she acted. She said she don't like me in that way (that's all she said) but then that makes me hate her even more. This girl is probably the best my social life will be - she was the person and recently made mate I pretty much spoke to and saw everyday at uni.

So far you're all probably thinking I lack any close mates. I have close mates but a male and female close mate are not the same thing. My closest male mate whom I've known for the longest is great but my closest girl mate(s) - and I don't know who this is as I've lost a few and everything changed - is who I would really confide in. Telling a girl something is different to telling a boy. Maybe it's because I'm emotional and so are girls so we relate better.

However the best mate I have whom I can tell stuff and whom I know from uni but only really communicate over msn (thank god for MSN!) as we spoke over the uni intranet and then added each other to msn. We get on perfectly well and most importantly we agree on everything. She is the only girl I know who condones my honesty. We met once in uni but that time had to be cut short due to pressing issues on my side. Sucks really as I won't have another chance to see her (well I've tried to during these holz). She's my best mate, but because we only talk on msn or via txts etc (anything but face-to-face), I have this damn msn buddy stigma attached to me, which I hate! This is like my best mate but I don't exactly have a friendship with her if it's all msn based, which means that my mates who I hang out with and whom I see as the type I can confide in (girls or really close male mates I've known for years), are not the best. That is worrying. But having said that, my boy mates are those I have fun and girl mates who I confide in. Unfortunately, over the last year of uni my girl mates have all been busy doing their dissertations (well all my mates have been really). I seem to have this seasonal friendship with this girl which only really blossoms when I have a major girl issue (like I did during my last uni year), and then we talk about everything and anything - money, family, etc - which I don't talk about with the girl I liked. Sums it up really. Once my problems are over (and it's not just about me all the time lol), our conversations and friendship pretty much dies. I guess this is the way it's gotta be for having an "msn buddy". :frown:

To make it all worse, social networking sites like facebook and hi5 continue to be responsible for revealing things I don't like. Above I mentioned a girl I used to like and on her facebook it says she dated some girl so frequenty they are practically married, so I'm thinkin she is bi (would explain a lot of things...) and I didn't even know even though I liked her! And then I was supposed to be playing pool with the good mate I described above. Funnily enough, I had a premonition all that would happen with someone else - and thanks to facebook, I found out she does play with someone else, but she said she wouldn't mind playing anyway. Just a shame I have to initiate everything and I can't get a decent channel of communication (msn, phone calls, txts all present problems and disadvantages). Face-to-face would be the best but won't happen. This is my only "alibi" to link up with her as I probably won't be invited to her birthday plans (which was in early July). She would be my only get out clause from this whole job hunt. Playing pool alone is not feasible thanks to the lack of a car, and strict/old fashioned, over-protective parents who want me to stick to job hunting. Going with a mate, or more significantly to my parents, a girl, would be perfectly fine however.

I look on this girl's facebook and she has more comments than I have mates (although I aint added all my mates yet). I have 3-4 comments which were meaningless. This girl has over 50 wishing her happy birthday, which is more comments than I have on my hi5 and facebook put together! This is a girl who had no interest in social networking. It's not like she is short of mates or popularity because she is a nice girl, attractive, etc (the latter I wouldn't know as I've only seen her photos and met her once for like 3 mins lol). I have a bad habit of comparing my social life and popularity to others and its not healthy. And yes out of pure boredom I'm looking at my friend's profiles.

To add to the confusion, a few weeks ago I went out with a few mates. Of those mates, there is one girl whom I've known since I started uni (3 years timespan), and she is just the type of mate I need. We don't speak and see each other really often in uni because we were usually both busy, but anyway, on this day we were in the car together as passengers at the back and she was tired (said she been working 5-5 everyday or something), and was sleeping. I look at ther and I get this wierd feeling as if I have real feelings for her. What is all that about?

Thanks to all this, it again makes me wonder if I really did the best thing in throwing away my best girl mate (I've never had a mate whom I chill with in person as good as this one) - ok she was taken and I liked her - but it was my lack of anger management and her comments (which were standard girly comments - I know that in hindsight - back then I was naive), which costed everything. So I guess I will never truly get over this event in my life, or the first and worst time I liked a girl. The sad thing is that I got close to her because I liked her, rather than because I'm her mate. The mate described above I want to just be good mates with because that's what I need and people tell me that's what I need. Now I have to live with wondering if I could have kept it all in. I did well for 6-8 months until she said one thing which triggered a random downwards spiral for me. It seems so unfair that I have to keep falling for the wrong girls, and then when it's too late I realise that. Worst thing is, the people I am strictly mates with are the decent people - and those girls should be the type I should fall for as they are actually decent.

All these feelings came about as I have finished my degree, and started to look back on the whole experience of uni. I did this after my last exam and when I got my exam results a few weeks ago. I realised that uni wasn't all that as I wasn't on the most stimulating course (wasn't as technical as I liked at times), and of course there's the whole girl problems as mentioned above, which were set to make my uni life hell - and that happened. These were supposed to be the best years of my life. At the same time I miss uni, because I have mates there whom I like (like the one described above). When I got my exam results, my parents were pleased but even though there was a family emergency/problems when my results came out, I felt a bit underwhelmed from the reaction I got from my mum. I got a better reaction from my uncle though. Now that the results thing is done and the excitement has worn away, I am a bit bored. I wish I had a dog as that would make life a bit interesting and a dog would respect me like I would respect the dog - unlike some of my mates. At the same time, I feel obliged to have a girlfriend, especially at my age. Out of all my mates, I'm pretty much the only one without a girlfriend and who gets asked "Why don't you have one?", which is annoying. I can't answer that question to some of my mates without being argumentative, rude, or revealing etc. In the time I've been stuck with one POINTLESS girl, my mate has actually dated and done stuff with 3 different girls. Puts it all in perspective really. :frown:

And thanks to all of these events and the fact I can't drive alone (a thread for another day...believe me), they cause random mood swings, which fortunately last only a day or two and then go away and don't get noticed - which is probably just as well!

Reply 1

Zinck

Thats one hell of a long post.

Seems like youve just had bad luck, dont let it get you down.

Get a job, join clubs, just get out and about, and soon enough, that girl for you will come along.

Reply 2

blissy

Don't believe facebook. Half my female friends are 'married' to each other.

Reply 3

coker1

I read your post. I believe the length of the post reflects how unlucky your uni life had been. I am 21 too and what you said above is just a little similar to my situation.

Would you PM me and I think we will have a decent conversation over it?

Reply 4

Sabriel

Hiya ClarkZhang, I spoke to you on the other forum if you remember? ^_^;
Anonymous, sounds like you have had a lot of problems, I'm sorry to hear it, sounds like a lot of bad luck and you haven't really met the right person yet (That might sound cliched but I think it's true), like above, get out, join some clubs and meet people, go out with friends if you get chance, take every opportunity because this life only happens once!

Reply 5

NickNack

hehe sounds like my luck when it comes to gals, nd i havent done half the things described here either (im 20). I rarely fall for those who fall for me nd whenever i do there always seems to be something or someone in the way

Best cure i found to all of this failure tho? Screw it, so what if ur single and have been for a while? What can you do about it except try and take the opportunities that do surface? and whats the worst that can happen if someone rejects you? She might blush, but ull still be friends. Seriously tho, dont get down just cos ur single and have bad luck. I kno thats all easy to say, but its a good state of mind to be in. **** happens, roll with it. At least theres someone around u like at the mo, right now i have no one i feel that way for (having exhausted the opportunities there were). Still, i got good vibes for next year!!

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

Yeah this thread could only be long as I could not sum everything up in a short amount of text as it's quite significant.

ClarkZhang - YHPM.

I've been single for long enough and it is boring. Fair enough, it has its advantages when you see your mates have issues with their partners but I'd rather have that and be taken. This is why I said what I said about having a dog - it'd make life a bit more unpredictable and interesting. The only things (of which there are a few) that can do that are not easy for me to obtain right now. This thread and the entire thought process before it partly came about from my disappointment with the most recent girl I liked. The other thing that gets me thinking is that sometimes my mates go out and I don't get invited. Then again, I'm not the only one to be excluded. I go out with the same social group but don't invite others who may not invite me. I wonder about the quality of my friends at times. Not having a car makes having a social life harder and makes me reliant on others and reduces my freedom, flexibility and options/choices (like inviting someone). This also makes me feel like an outsider because everyone asks me why I don't have a car (but have passed in a manual). Sucks.

To make things worse, I miss uni. I didn't think there'd be people on here who feel same/similar to me.

Reply 7

Anonymous #2

Anonymous

Been there and worn the t-shirt.

Your problem is that your putting wayyyy too much emphasize on having a gf. I am the same age as you, not had one yet either - but I have had a zillion chances and let me tell you mate, it happens when you least expect it. But you have to create them too and the way I do it is through an element of mystery and confidence.

You my friend by confining into girls is going to get you nowhere. You have been put into the 'friends' zone...and let me tell you something, you will not get out of it once you've been placed in there. She will probably go out with tonnes of guys and then talk to you about her bf problems and how 'he was a jerk that treated her badly'. Then you will wonder, why did she go out with him and not me? (sounds familiar?)

Display confidence by WHAT you do, rather then through words. If she can see you can handle yourself, and are relatively popular that does not give a rats monkeys if he could be with her or not - she will be intrigued by who the hell you are; and wonder, why is he not after me? Be funny - make her want to be around you...dont be half arsed and boring - make her want to be around you. You shouldn't see it as she's the one doing you the favour by her taking the time and effort and talking to you only because she is hot.

...and most importantly, don't don't don't try to pull one girl at a time - keep your options open in case one backfires. It stops you from developing a bad case of rejection when it does not work out with one of them.

Reply 8

Sephirona

I think my brain died reading your post.

You need to do what you realy thing is best for you. If you think you never achieved things in your life which you can think back off in the future, then you should start doing stuff.

Reply 9

Anonymous #3

1. Do not believe anything anyone writes on facebook. It's a massive PR stunt, everyone pretends every night is utterly amazing - they're not. Everyone's just playing this big charade.

2. As for girls, as people have said, it happens when you least expect it. To be honest it's depressing if like me you have mates which are good looking and know exactly what they are doing and can seemingly pull every girl on the planet. But don't worry about it, you have qualities that they don't, even if it doesn't seem like that. If you ask them how they got started then they'll just say they didn't take rejection badly and worked from there. If you get turned down then don't worry about it. Just keep on trying.

Reply 10

2026

Your post is seriously too long. You're not going to get half the responses you would if it was just a little shorter.

Now, I understand what you mean about finding it difficult to find girls that you like. I'm similar in so far as I am quite picky. Not just with potential girlfriends, boyfriends, but also with friends. Try to come out of your shell, and accept people as they are. I know its hard, but try to look over some characteristics you dont particularly like, e.g. childish. Give girls some more opportunity. You might just 'click' later on.

Also, do not trust Facebook. In fact, don't even use crap like that. I find it too be too artificial and basically a popularity contest.

Your university life is over, and you obviously are not happy about you time there, but its over. Try and put it behind you. I assume you're working now or will be working in the near-future, so focus on that and the new responsibilities, challenges and girls ahead.

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

I admit I do put a lot of emphasis on having a girlfriend but that's probably just a psychological side effect of seeing a lot of my mates with partners. This is compounded by all the problems I've had in the past - which weren't really problems but I saw them as such because of my naivety.

I agree my opening post is long but it had to be that way.

I agree that facebook is full of lies and jokes. For example, several girls say they are related to each other but have also dated. Sure, lol.

There likely won't be a time when I least expect to have a girlfriend as it's always something on my mind. Even more so because I go to a relative's house and the arrange marriage (I'm Asian) topic is mentioned. It's also mentioned for someone else like a cousin but then the topic falls to me. I always cringe when this happens, or when my mum and dad mention girlfriends.

The reason I put so much emphasis on that close mate I described in my opening post is because we always agree on things that matter - like she condones my ruthless honesty, even though I've lost mates over this (and I question if those mates were as bad as I made them out to be). And I can finish her sentences on msn because I'm thinking the same thing as her, and vice versa. Despite being "msn buddies", we actually have some good msn conversations about a whole range of topics, but we don't talk everyday or everytime she is online, which is not everyday.

Reply 12

KingoftheNazgul

Seriously, I know it seems like the whole world has girlfriend/sex life and everyone wants to know why you don't, but don't worry about it (easier said than done, I know). Clearly you haven't met the right person yet; sometimes the people you know the best won't necessarily be the best person to go out with. The unexpected and the getting to know each other are sometimes the best way to start a relationship. You're better off being single with your pride intact until you're ninety than feeling this pressurised. You've just had a bit of bad luck; try to just get on with the important things in your life, keep an active social life, and trust me someone will pop up when you least expect it. You sound like a really nice guy, any girl would be lucky to have you. Stop beating yourself up about it and try again :smile:

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

One of the reasons for triggering the wierd moods I have, and for triggering this thread, is that a week after my exams it was the graduation ball. I went because it was holidays, parents were away, and thus I had a chance to have some fun, which was just as well anyway because it was time to unwind from uni life and exams. All my mates who went brought their partners (girlfriends), except one of my mates, who lacks experience just as much as me. I felt and looked like an outcast without a girlfriend. So really, not having a girlfriend was like a liability for me and costed me so now I want one even more. At least the "you'll have one when you least expect it" line is some consolation because I least expect it right now.

I have achieved so much, and really this is the last thing thats left, so it stands out - especially at my age.

Then there's the "unique" msn buddy friendship I have with that girl I described earlier... Funny thing is, she tells me how some boy she knows was dismissive and rude to her, and now she doesn't really trust him or talk to him. They're just normal mates. But she still socialises and talks to him, anyway. Imagine what they were like when they were really tight mates. Yet I'm "msn buddies" with this girl and we don't even talk on msn... :frown: