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Cannot stop thinking about this guy! Don't know what to do! watch

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    I was on Tinder in my university town where I matched with this guy. So me and him starting talking. It was going okay. Neither of us wanted casual sex, we both wanted a relationship. We got each other's numbers and started talking on Whatsapp. And things were going well, he said after he comes back off holiday we'd meet up. No plans were made but we said we'd just see what happens when he comes back from holiday. We've been speaking for a couple of weeks and meanwhile I moved back home.

    I ask for his Facebook and I noticed he has pictures of him and ex girlfriend(s) kissing and on days out. I was hesitant to ask about him about it, but I asked him about it and said even though we weren't seeing each other, was he still into his ex girlfriend?

    Then he started to tell me he can't even look at the pictures, he told me he was depressed, he told me he tried to kill himself, how he had time off work and he lied to everyone saying he sprained his arm. He told me he knew, his doctor knew and now I knew.

    Then it was no longer a conversation. He would tell me something about his ex girlfriend or his life and I would reply. He would say things like what all he wants to do is sit indoors and do nothing. And I would give him options about how he could see a counsellor if he wanted to, but he would always say he has given up. I stayed up till 5am speaking to him...

    The next day or rather in the afternoon of that day... I couldn't stop thinking about what he told me. He'd told me some pretty messed up stuff, like if he had two bullets he'd use them on his ex girlfriend and how she has messed him up. He messaged me about his ex girlfriend again, whereas I thought he'd thank for me listening ect. Not that he needed to say that, but he just seemed to jump straight into conversation about ex girlfriend without even a good morning.

    I decided to ring him... I rang him up and he didn't say much at all. It was mostly me doing all the talking. He said that he did want to meet me and he was over his ex. I just felt like he wasn't in the mood to speak to me. When I asked more questions he said we'd have to talk about it later and when I asked why... He said because he was getting ready to go out. When previously he told me he wasn't going to go out because he needed time alone. Anyhow, I told him that he didn't understand how selfish that was... I had stayed up till 5am for him knowing that I had to be up early myself but I never told him that I was tired ect. I just kept speaking to him... So when he said that to me, it just really made me angry. So I ended the call. I never told him about how I'd stayed up ect because I never wanted to upset him.

    And since then I've heard nothing from him.

    My friends keep telling me to leave it. I just don't understand how someone can go from 0 to 100. Before all of this he was fine and as soon as I mentioned that one picture he was suddenly a different person. He'd just say something about how he had no hope and he was fed up with life... Yet whenever I said something about not giving up, he wouldn't listen.

    I feel really bad because he obviously has depression and quite a few problems and I feel responsible because I'm the only one who knows about it. I feel used, like people will always tell me stuff because I will listen and after that that's it.

    I don't know what to do. I'm surprised he hasn't messaged me back, and I keep thinking I'm in the wrong.
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    Look, from what you've described, you're not in the wrong.
    I've helped some people in the past who have suffered from depression and constant suicidal thoughts, and of course attempting to convince them of the pros of having positive thoughts can be a challenge.
    You are under no obligation to help him, yet you still choose to, therefore you are not in the wrong whatsoever.
    As for the whole relationship scenario, I think that if you do manage to help him in order to progress out of his depression stage, it will be beneficial to the both of you.
    No doubt you seem to be a kindhearted person who cares a lot, and no doubt you are doing the right thing
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    (Original post by theonecenter)
    Look, from what you've described, you're not in the wrong.
    I've helped some people in the past who have suffered from depression and constant suicidal thoughts, and of course attempting to convince them of the pros of having positive thoughts can be a challenge.
    You are under no obligation to help him, yet you still choose to, therefore you are not in the wrong whatsoever.
    As for the whole relationship scenario, I think that if you do manage to help him in order to progress out of his depression stage, it will be beneficial to the both of you.
    No doubt you seem to be a kindhearted person who cares a lot, and no doubt you are doing the right thing
    I honestly do feel so bad... But then, I feel what he said about wanting his ex girlfriend dead and stuff - it just seems too far. What do you think?

    When you say in terms of the relationship... If I help him, it'll be beneficial for us both... What do you mean?

    Do you think I should message him?
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    I agree in the sense where he said he wants her dead. Obviously that displays that there is a lot of hatred towards her, so I ASSUME that she seems to be a root cause of his phase of depression.
    In terms of the relationship, when I say beneficial to both, he'll be happier if you can help him out of it, he'll be more enthusiastic, his true character.
    I honestly think you should message him, just to ensure he's okay
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I honestly do feel so bad... But then, I feel what he said about wanting his ex girlfriend dead and stuff - it just seems too far. What do you think?

    When you say in terms of the relationship... If I help him, it'll be beneficial for us both... What do you mean?

    Do you think I should message him?
    I agree with what theoncentre said. You aren't in the wrong at all, you put a lot of time and effort into helping someone you haven't met which was great of you. Give it a couple of days if you can, wait and see if he messages you first. If not, if you still want to give him another chance drop him a message and ask if you can talk about it.

    It's obvious that he isn't over his ex, not by a long shot, so that might be a point of consideration for you. Yes, his thoughts about shooting her are very worrying, I think he needs help by the sounds of it. Sounds like quite an obsession he has over her the way he always talks about her.

    I don't know if I would look to continue things at this rate, personally, I don't think he's ready for a relationship and don't think he'd be a good one for you. But that's your choice, great that you're trying to help
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    (Original post by theonecenter)
    I agree in the sense where he said he wants her dead. Obviously that displays that there is a lot of hatred towards her, so I ASSUME that she seems to be a root cause of his phase of depression.
    In terms of the relationship, when I say beneficial to both, he'll be happier if you can help him out of it, he'll be more enthusiastic, his true character.
    I honestly think you should message him, just to ensure he's okay
    I just feel so used. Like people always seem to tell me stuff and then after that, that's it. That's how I feel with this guy as well. Like, he literally went from 0 to 100 in a matter of seconds. And suddenly we were talking about his ex girlfriend for 5 hours straight.

    I want to message him, but what's holding me back is the fact that he's simply using me for when he wants someone to speak to and that's it.
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    I think you should tell him straight up
    I've been used for about 7 years for people, taking their problems and then they leave.
    Just tell him, be upfront rather than afraid
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    (Original post by AndrewSCO)
    I agree with what theoncentre said. You aren't in the wrong at all, you put a lot of time and effort into helping someone you haven't met which was great of you. Give it a couple of days if you can, wait and see if he messages you first. If not, if you still want to give him another chance drop him a message and ask if you can talk about it.

    It's obvious that he isn't over his ex, not by a long shot, so that might be a point of consideration for you. Yes, his thoughts about shooting her are very worrying, I think he needs help by the sounds of it. Sounds like quite an obsession he has over her the way he always talks about her.

    I don't know if I would look to continue things at this rate, personally, I don't think he's ready for a relationship and don't think he'd be a good one for you. But that's your choice, great that you're trying to help
    I genuinely don't think he will message me. And I feel like he should, I just feel used by him and I feel like he should message me first.

    I don't know where I stand with him. I'd say that he's not ready for a relationship and I don't know the extent to which I can help him because he always says he doesn't want to change...

    I just feel so confused and this is on my mind 24/7.
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    (Original post by theonecenter)
    I think you should tell him straight up
    I've been used for about 7 years for people, taking their problems and then they leave.
    Just tell him, be upfront rather than afraid
    Thing is atm we're not speaking because he said he wasn't free because he was getting ready to go out. So I said that sounded very selfish (I stayed up till 5am for him, but I never told him how I felt) and I wouldn't tell him the reason why because I didn't want to upset him. I hung up. And that's that.

    I told him on the phone I feel like I've been used and he said he hasn't used me.

    Now I'm like... What do I do?
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    First of all, YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG. At all. You have done absolutely nothing wrong - imo, you've been very, very helpful and kind. It honestly makes me sad that you feel bad because you shouldn't.

    Some people are very, very hard to get out of depression. Basically, what I've learned from being surrounded by depressed people in the past, is that you can't help people that don't want the help. And imo, this guy clearly doesn't. The way I'm seeing it, it's a greater chance that he pulls you down with him than you actually helping him back on his feet. I know that you want to help him but you are in no way responsible and it is perfectly OKAY to prioritize yourself, which is exactly what I think you should do. I think you deserve better; you need a stable person who is ready for a relationship - and this guy is neither. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be surrounded by positive people, it's how I choose to live my life because I've realized being surrounded by so much negativity and depression drains vitality out of me.

    Clearly, you guys aren't even in a relationship yet but you have invested FAR more than him, and he's not appreciative at all, it seems. And I think this is exactly what it'll look like; he'll just take, take, take and you'll end up giving, giving, giving. You're making a huge investment on someone unstable and someone who needs help - he is suicidal, depressed, takes time off work, has a lot of resentment and feelings for his ex, imo, this guy sounds a tad bit dangerous. He is the polar opposite of stable. And you've already said, you try to help, suggest counselling but this guy is not receptive at all, he'll most likely just continue to say he's given up.

    You're too kind, and trust me, with the wrong people, they'll end up taking advantage of you. I've seen it happen to the dearest people to me and myself.

    This is already toxic and destructive, and I think it'll only become worse if you continue talking to him or getting into a relationship with him. You'll get out of this drained and exhausted.

    Think it through before you continue talking to this guy, and take care of yourself. You seem like a really kind and helpful person, but don't let people take advantage of you and use you, it's okay to pick yourself first sometimes.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I genuinely don't think he will message me. And I feel like he should, I just feel used by him and I feel like he should message me first.

    I don't know where I stand with him. I'd say that he's not ready for a relationship and I don't know the extent to which I can help him because he always says he doesn't want to change...

    I just feel so confused and this is on my mind 24/7.
    He's clearly still obsessed with his ex, and in a very dark place mentally. I can't really see any way of me saying that a relationship would be a good idea.

    If you want to, by all means message him. But I'd be going looking for answers/apology. I hate the feeling when you just can't stop thinking about something/someone so I know it will be hard on you

    I don't know if he intended to use you, I think he tried at the start, but it's clearly too early for him and once you gave him an excuse to talk about his ex he took it and didn't want to stop
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    (Original post by Liinda2702)
    First of all, YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG. At all. You have done absolutely nothing wrong - imo, you've been very, very helpful and kind. It honestly makes me sad that you feel bad because you shouldn't.

    Some people are very, very hard to get out of depression. Basically, what I've learned from being surrounded by depressed people in the past, is that you can't help people that don't want the help. And imo, this guy clearly doesn't. The way I'm seeing it, it's a greater chance that he pulls you down with him than you actually helping him back on his feet. I know that you want to help him but you are in no way responsible and it is perfectly OKAY to prioritize yourself, which is exactly what I think you should do. I think you deserve better; you need a stable person who is ready for a relationship - and this guy is neither. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be surrounded by positive people, it's how I choose to live my life because I've realized being surrounded by so much negativity and depression drains vitality out of me.

    Clearly, you guys aren't even in a relationship yet but you have invested FAR more than him, and he's not appreciative at all, it seems. And I think this is exactly what it'll look like; he'll just take, take, take and you'll end up giving, giving, giving. You're making a huge investment on someone unstable and someone who needs help - he is suicidal, depressed, takes time off work, has a lot of resentment and feelings for his ex, imo, this guy sounds a tad bit dangerous. He is the polar opposite of stable. And you've already said, you try to help, suggest counselling but this guy is not receptive at all, he'll most likely just continue to say he's given up.

    You're too kind, and trust me, with the wrong people, they'll end up taking advantage of you. I've seen it happen to the dearest people to me and myself.

    This is already toxic and destructive, and I think it'll only become worse if you continue talking to him or getting into a relationship with him. You'll get out of this drained and exhausted.

    Think it through before you continue talking to this guy, and take care of yourself. You seem like a really kind and helpful person, but don't let people take advantage of you and use you, it's okay to pick yourself first sometimes.
    Can't argue with any of this

    I agree, think you should find someone better. It's a terrible shame that this guy is in such a place mentally, but it would be fair enough if he was at least appreciative of your efforts and trying to make an effort. However, he isn't and you deserve better than that. Honestly, I'd move on, I know it's hard once you've become attached and it's on your mind 24/7 but don't think this guy is good news and you'll find somebody new soon enough
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    (Original post by Liinda2702)
    First of all, YOU ARE NOT IN THE WRONG. At all. You have done absolutely nothing wrong - imo, you've been very, very helpful and kind. It honestly makes me sad that you feel bad because you shouldn't.

    Some people are very, very hard to get out of depression. Basically, what I've learned from being surrounded by depressed people in the past, is that you can't help people that don't want the help. And imo, this guy clearly doesn't. The way I'm seeing it, it's a greater chance that he pulls you down with him than you actually helping him back on his feet. I know that you want to help him but you are in no way responsible and it is perfectly OKAY to prioritize yourself, which is exactly what I think you should do. I think you deserve better; you need a stable person who is ready for a relationship - and this guy is neither. There is nothing wrong with wanting to be surrounded by positive people, it's how I choose to live my life because I've realized being surrounded by so much negativity and depression drains vitality out of me.

    Clearly, you guys aren't even in a relationship yet but you have invested FAR more than him, and he's not appreciative at all, it seems. And I think this is exactly what it'll look like; he'll just take, take, take and you'll end up giving, giving, giving. You're making a huge investment on someone unstable and someone who needs help - he is suicidal, depressed, takes time off work, has a lot of resentment and feelings for his ex, imo, this guy sounds a tad bit dangerous. He is the polar opposite of stable. And you've already said, you try to help, suggest counselling but this guy is not receptive at all, he'll most likely just continue to say he's given up.

    You're too kind, and trust me, with the wrong people, they'll end up taking advantage of you. I've seen it happen to the dearest people to me and myself.

    This is already toxic and destructive, and I think it'll only become worse if you continue talking to him or getting into a relationship with him. You'll get out of this drained and exhausted.

    Think it through before you continue talking to this guy, and take care of yourself. You seem like a really kind and helpful person, but don't let people take advantage of you and use you, it's okay to pick yourself first sometimes.
    Thank you so much for this.

    You're right about me being drained, I'm already drained and nothing is even happening between us.

    I do feel used by him and it makes me so upset that he would be one person then the next minute someone else entirely... It makes me feel like that's not who he is and that's why I should message him. But then I'm like, why should I?

    I just feel so selfish for not messaging him and checking how he is, considering I'm the only one who knows about everything in his life...
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thing is atm we're not speaking because he said he wasn't free because he was getting ready to go out. So I said that sounded very selfish (I stayed up till 5am for him, but I never told him how I felt) and I wouldn't tell him the reason why because I didn't want to upset him. I hung up. And that's that.

    I told him on the phone I feel like I've been used and he said he hasn't used me.

    Now I'm like... What do I do?
    Honestly my dear, just message him regardless
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    (Original post by AndrewSCO)
    He's clearly still obsessed with his ex, and in a very dark place mentally. I can't really see any way of me saying that a relationship would be a good idea.

    If you want to, by all means message him. But I'd be going looking for answers/apology. I hate the feeling when you just can't stop thinking about something/someone so I know it will be hard on you

    I don't know if he intended to use you, I think he tried at the start, but it's clearly too early for him and once you gave him an excuse to talk about his ex he took it and didn't want to stop
    Yeah, I don't think a relationship is going anywhere. I think I have hope that there will be, but deep down I know it'll never work out.

    And yeah, I do want answers... But, then me and him will just start talking and where will that end up?

    And I definitely agree! Once he was given the opportunity to talk about his ex... He took it way too far.

    (Original post by AndrewSCO)
    Can't argue with any of this

    I agree, think you should find someone better. It's a terrible shame that this guy is in such a place mentally, but it would be fair enough if he was at least appreciative of your efforts and trying to make an effort. However, he isn't and you deserve better than that. Honestly, I'd move on, I know it's hard once you've become attached and it's on your mind 24/7 but don't think this guy is good news and you'll find somebody new soon enough
    No, that's what I mean... I honestly thought he'd message me saying thank you the next morning,but he never did.

    Thing is, no one really does take an interest in me... So I suppose I liked it that he did... But now I think it was all fake.
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    (Original post by theonecenter)
    Honestly my dear, just message him regardless
    What should I say? And where will it lead?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah, I don't think a relationship is going anywhere. I think I have hope that there will be, but deep down I know it'll never work out.

    And yeah, I do want answers... But, then me and him will just start talking and where will that end up?

    And I definitely agree! Once he was given the opportunity to talk about his ex... He took it way too far.



    No, that's what I mean... I honestly thought he'd message me saying thank you the next morning,but he never did.

    Thing is, no one really does take an interest in me... So I suppose I liked it that he did... But now I think it was all fake.
    If it just happened that one night into the next day then maybe it would be fair to message and give him one chance to explain. However, even if he apologises it still doesn't change the fact he isn't in a state to be in a relationship with anyone so I don't know if it's worth it

    I'm sorry to hear you feel that no one takes an interest in you, that's not nice. If you ever want to talk about it or anything else don't hesitate to message me, more than welcome to
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    Say how you feel, say you want to help and want to go forward with him
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you so much for this.

    You're right about me being drained, I'm already drained and nothing is even happening between us.

    I do feel used by him and it makes me so upset that he would be one person then the next minute someone else entirely... It makes me feel like that's not who he is and that's why I should message him. But then I'm like, why should I?

    I just feel so selfish for not messaging him and checking how he is, considering I'm the only one who knows about everything in his life...
    I've met so many people like that, they'd be one person and then the next minute it's as if they took off a mask and showed you a completely different face. This, itself, is already a red flag. This guy is not stable. This is literally proof of that. You are not selfish at all, AT ALL, for not messaging him. Honestly, the mere fact that you feel this way just - imo - speaks of how selfless you are. But as I said, some people don't see this, they just take. I think constantly thinking - hoping - that if you stay around and help him he'll show you the face he showed you before he revealed all of this will only drain you more because, honestly unfortunately, I don't think this is what it'll look like.

    You are drained. This is not what a relationship should look like, any kind of relationship; whether it's friendship or more. Even if you text him, I honestly doubt it'll lead anywhere other than the same destructive cycle again.

    Honestly, a couple of years ago, I felt exactly the same. I felt like no one took a particular interest in me, but this person did, and I liked that. Obviously, I saw the red flags because they were blaring right in my face, but I choose to ignore them because he liked me. Trust me, it was bad. It was really bad. I was completely walked over and used, and no matter how much I tired to help - I really wanted to help from the bottom of my heart - it was as if I was talking in a foreign language because it lead nowhere. He remained destructive - and mentally in very dark place just as AndrewSCO said - and the only thing that happened was that I was COMPLETELY drained and beyond exhausted from constantly giving. Instead of me pulling him up, he pulled me down.

    Which is why I think you should move on, and pick yourself first. So what if no one has an interest in you at the moment? From what I've picked up from your post, you're absolutely wonderful and I'm very sure you'll meet someone stable and ready for a relationship. Until you do, know your worth and enjoy your life.

    Obviously, this is only my opinion, you are perfectly free to do whatever you want to do! It's just that keeping in touch with this guy, in my eyes, leads absolutely nowhere.
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    (Original post by AndrewSCO)
    If it just happened that one night into the next day then maybe it would be fair to message and give him one chance to explain. However, even if he apologises it still doesn't change the fact he isn't in a state to be in a relationship with anyone so I don't know if it's worth it

    I'm sorry to hear you feel that no one takes an interest in you, that's not nice. If you ever want to talk about it or anything else don't hesitate to message me, more than welcome to
    Well, yeah it was one night/morning. But it's like, I feel like he should message me... And yeah you are so right! Even if he does say sorry, it's like he's not in a state to be in a relationship.

    Honestly, I'm just kidding myself that he'll change and say something and things will return to normal and we'll live happily ever happy... And the only thing stopping the happily ever after is me!

    And thanks for the last part.

    (Original post by theonecenter)
    Say how you feel, say you want to help and want to go forward with him
    The thing is, what is going forward with him?
 
 
 
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