If I don't start conversations, it never, ever starts

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Eriasu
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#1
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#1
I noticed that I’m always the person who starts and if I don’t it never starts. This wasn’t recently but it’s being happening for some time but I never noticed it till I was drowning so deep that I actually wanted someone to lean on.

When I start a conversation with someone it goes great and goes on for a while. We talk about almost anything from likes to dislikes, hobbies and anything we can talk about, it even goes as far as personal moments where they open up to me which makes me happy that they trust me enough to open up to me and tell me about their personal struggles, personally I cherish those moments because it feels genuine and makes me think they’re genuinely my friends.

But I’ve noticed that I’m always starting conversations and on top of that I’m keeping it going by asking more question to invoke a response, It feels like I’m the one who always drives the car and steer it and if I stop they won’t try and drive it by themselves… they just leave.

I even went on to create a “bonding moment” to counter this but I always seem to ask more and get asked less and in the end it didn’t look like a progressive counter.

Recently when I went off fb for 2 months and when I came back there wasn’t a message asking how I was or any mention and after that was nothing, no one contacted me but when I spark a conversation they’re ready to go, even though they are reply late.

I don’t understand this, am I missing out on something? Or am I asking for too much? Should I just continue this? Right now I feel like I have absolutely have no friends amongst my "friends".

I get that some people are shy but this is the majority of my friends and even when I meet new people they’re still the same; I start or it never starts.

I’m not asking for too much, just a simple “Hi, how is your day?” would do much and mean a lot.

When I make friends I expect a mutual platonic relationship and not someone who’s only useful to increase the number of fb friends or an expendable tool.
Spoiler:
Show
I’m currently shifting between two songs “Give me love” – Ed sherran and “Leave your lover” – Sam smith, while I drown away my sorrow with Milk in a nursery kitchen because I got kicked out from a bar for being too young, ageism still exists.
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gapyear2018
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#2
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#2
I could have made the same post myself about 2 years ago.

You're definitely not asking for too much. It might be that they don't value your friendship as much as you value theirs. If people aren't asking stuff about your life chances are they just don't care.

I suppose it all depends how much these friends mean to you. If you completely cut them off would you miss them a lot? Or go into isolation? Or do you reckon you could make new friends?.

I guess some people just aren't that good at conversation. i would speak to them about it.
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Eriasu
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#3
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#3
(Original post by ScienceFantatic)
I could have made the same post myself about 2 years ago.

You're definitely not asking for too much. It might be that they don't value your friendship as much as you value theirs. If people aren't asking stuff about your life chances are they just don't care.

I suppose it all depends how much these friends mean to you. If you completely cut them off would you miss them a lot? Or go into isolation? Or do you reckon you could make new friends?.

I guess some people just aren't that good at conversation. i would speak to them about it.
I guess I would miss them but I doubt even if I make new ones that they would initiate.

I thought about that but I don't want to cause anything bad and if nothing bad doesn't happen they would just say that they had nothing to talk to me about or that they're busy. Sometimes that's bs but sometimes it's not and I don't know which is which
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UWS
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#4
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#4
I'm like you. I wonder how my other friends have like 100 conversations at once while I can barely manage 1 or 2 for a long time.

Are you generally an outgoing person? Some people prefer to talk in person rather than online. It can get boring talking on messenger all the time.

Im not sure how to solve this rather than make new friends. For me this is hard to do so I'm screwed for life
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stargirl63
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#5
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#5
You may value the friendship more than them. It begs the question how long do you have to not speak to them for, for them to contact you just to see how you are?

My outlook on this situation is that you are sparking conversation, but not sparking a friendship - two very different things. I speak to a number of people daily, work colleagues etc, who are not my friends. And conversely, I don't speak to my friends everyday.

They reply to you because they don't want to be rude.

My advice to you is to start making friends not conversation. Perhaps complement them. Ask them for advice about something. Share your advice. Make them laugh. Build trust over something in common. Go out with them rather than message them.

You mentioned that they do tell you personal things, but are these things personal to them? Have they told other people? Did you pester them for this information? If you hadn't of asked or started the conversation, who would they have gone to? Honestly, sharing personal things doesn't mean that much - I tell people personal things if I know they won't tell anyone and I'm looking for some cheap advice, not because they are my friends.


At the end of the day, you can't make them want to be friends with you, give them something to miss about you.
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Anonymous #1
#6
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#6
I was had a boy ' friend ' like this who would never start conversations so if i didn't speak to him he wouldn't chat to me either and i always felt guilty for starting the conversations and it drove me mad . I think some people just don't want to be seen as ' desperate' and tend to ignore texts ect even when they could just reply so it gets pretty frustrating. perhaps try calling them instead as its harder to ignore them then !
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Eriasu
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#7
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#7
(Original post by UWS)
I'm like you. I wonder how my other friends have like 100 conversations at once while I can barely manage 1 or 2 for a long time.

Are you generally an outgoing person? Some people prefer to talk in person rather than online. It can get boring talking on messenger all the time.

Im not sure how to solve this rather than make new friends. For me this is hard to do so I'm screwed for life
I'm in between but I initiate going out plans the most compared to some of my friends. True but when we hang out it's like in groups which makes it hard to have a 1 on 1 conversation when everyone is just jumping in and out of the conversation but it's not that it's them never starting a conversation with me.
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Eriasu
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#8
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#8
(Original post by stargirl63)
You may value the friendship more than them. It begs the question how long do you have to not speak to them for, for them to contact you just to see how you are?

My outlook on this situation is that you are sparking conversation, but not sparking a friendship - two very different things. I speak to a number of people daily, work colleagues etc, who are not my friends. And conversely, I don't speak to my friends everyday.

They reply to you because they don't want to be rude.

My advice to you is to start making friends not conversation. Perhaps complement them. Ask them for advice about something. Share your advice. Make them laugh. Build trust over something in common. Go out with them rather than message them.

You mentioned that they do tell you personal things, but are these things personal to them? Have they told other people? Did you pester them for this information? If you hadn't of asked or started the conversation, who would they have gone to? Honestly, sharing personal things doesn't mean that much - I tell people personal things if I know they won't tell anyone and I'm looking for some cheap advice, not because they are my friends.


At the end of the day, you can't make them want to be friends with you, give them something to miss about you.
Like I said before I left for two months and didn't get anyone asking how I am or if something is wrong just silence but I now a few that I have a weird friendship with, I can literally not talk to them for 1 year or more and they will probably not think anything is wrong or ask me.

I only add people on fb if I'm going to see them as a genuine friend and nothing else, if I don't see them as a potential friend I won't accept their request so If I accept them, for me the spark has already began.

I thought that but they seem interested when they talk, they don't just reply with "k", "ok", and such that would indicate that they're uninterested, we usually have a good chat.

It is pretty personal and ones that have opened up have mentioned that they only told this to a very few people and they aren't the type of people who randomly open up to random people.

I've already planned to keep to myself till 2017 in hopes that one of them actually start a conversation with me and if not then It's over.
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Eriasu
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#9
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#9
(Original post by Anonymous)
I was had a boy ' friend ' like this who would never start conversations so if i didn't speak to him he wouldn't chat to me either and i always felt guilty for starting the conversations and it drove me mad . I think some people just don't want to be seen as ' desperate' and tend to ignore texts ect even when they could just reply so it gets pretty frustrating. perhaps try calling them instead as its harder to ignore them then !
I had a friend who was like that which I found very annoying in some cases because I couldn't understand why they'd feel guilty for starting a conversation with a friend.

I still don't understand that concept "if you reply fast you just seem desperate" when really it just makes you look normal and shows that you're engaged in the conversation.
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username1726117
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#10
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#10
I'm very much the same, to be fair.

I have a lot of friends, but no one I really speak to on a regular basis. Sometimes it's difficult making conversation, because they don't respond or they do but don't make an effort to keep things going. In all fairness it does happen, as people lead busy lives, but it happens more often than not and it does make me feel "Well, is it something to do with me?".

Take TSR for example. I like a lot of the people here, and I wish there were opportunity to speak to them more on a one-to-one basis, but I don't because I get the impression they're not interested in me. Perhaps I should ignore those feelings, or perhaps I should forget about making friends. I don't know.

Real life things tend to be easier in person, so if you're outgoing then the only thing I can suggest is to keep up making conversation, but maybe reduce the time spending talking to them. Baby steps. Don't overdo it, but show an interest.

If you fancy someone else to talk to, I'm around, but just know you're not the only one who has this issue.
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stargirl63
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#11
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#11
(Original post by Eriasu)
Like I said before I left for two months and didn't get anyone asking how I am or if something is wrong just silence but I now a few that I have a weird friendship with, I can literally not talk to them for 1 year or more and they will probably not think anything is wrong or ask me.

I only add people on fb if I'm going to see them as a genuine friend and nothing else, if I don't see them as a potential friend I won't accept their request so If I accept them, for me the spark has already began.

I thought that but they seem interested when they talk, they don't just reply with "k", "ok", and such that would indicate that they're uninterested, we usually have a good chat.

It is pretty personal and ones that have opened up have mentioned that they only told this to a very few people and they aren't the type of people who randomly open up to random people.

I've already planned to keep to myself till 2017 in hopes that one of them actually start a conversation with me and if not then It's over.
You seem to be in denial..

If you don't talk to someone for a year because they "probably don't think anything is wrong" - that's now how it should work. I don't talk to my friends "in case something is wrong" , and my friends don't talk to me for that reason. We talk because we want to talk, we miss each other's company etc. If you haven't spoken to them in 2 months - you are still initiating conversation. I'd like to ask, if you never initiate conversation ever again...how many of them would ever talk to you ever again? This is not friendship.

Conversation is different to friendship.

If you add people on fb that you think are genuine friends, then great. But that doesn't mean that they think you are a genuine friend. Of course they wouldn't reply with "k" because that is rude. Anyone can forge conversation for a little while.

You need to be mindful about what you are doing and what you are saying. Don't rely on these 'friends' make new ones.

This is not friendship. If you are constantly initiating conversation, talking first etc - then you need to question it.

If they really wanted to talk to you, they would strike the conversation as well.
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Eriasu
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#12
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#12
(Original post by stargirl63)
You seem to be in denial..

If you don't talk to someone for a year because they "probably don't think anything is wrong" - that's now how it should work. I don't talk to my friends "in case something is wrong" , and my friends don't talk to me for that reason. We talk because we want to talk, we miss each other's company etc. If you haven't spoken to them in 2 months - you are still initiating conversation. I'd like to ask, if you never initiate conversation ever again...how many of them would ever talk to you ever again? This is not friendship.

Conversation is different to friendship.

If you add people on fb that you think are genuine friends, then great. But that doesn't mean that they think you are a genuine friend. Of course they wouldn't reply with "k" because that is rude. Anyone can forge conversation for a little while.

You need to be mindful about what you are doing and what you are saying. Don't rely on these 'friends' make new ones.

This is not friendship. If you are constantly initiating conversation, talking first etc - then you need to question it.

If they really wanted to talk to you, they would strike the conversation as well.
I think you misunderstood that part, I meant if I suddenly stopped talking to them, they would not check up on me or anything. I'm not in denial, I already now this and to answer how many of them would to talk to me; I'd say none.

I've already started moving on and now I'm trying to talk to ones who sometimes start conversations with me- even though they have a hard time keeping it going.

I know all this but thanks for clarifying it but when I posted this I was wondering if someone knew a study or something as to way people are hardly initiating for an initiator, is because we are always initiating and not letting them do some of the work or are they genuinely not interested and don't want to be rude by saying so. Sorry for blathering on and thanks for your help!
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insiazahra
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#13
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#13
I personally feel the same. Constantly there is a freeling inside me that I'll get isolated. I see post like sometimes trying to hold on is more painful then letting go but I feel like if I let go I'll just become so alone. This fear inside me is just killing me and I literally don't know what to do. I feel like I've become so alone like honestly I have started to talk to imaginary
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Tectonick
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#14
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#14
Instead of realating to you i will give you some advice. Be fluid like the ocean. Always use your mind and body. Use your resources. Therapy makes conversation, and gives you meds to feel good. Travel to near by locations, and you will be a person in the crowd. Train your body, so you can become strong. When you use your mind and body, you will remember what being fluid like the ocean is.
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Byeomii
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#15
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#15
I've never come across a forum that I have related to so much. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm annoying/bothering other people because no one tells me about their day or their problems or just interesting little quirks of their life. Trying to keep a conversation going when its demise is obvious gets draining (even if those people are my good friends)! I know some people are more comfortable talking in person but when our schedules rarely align, the convenient compromise is through social media apps...but apparently that's too much to ask for.
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Smores15
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#16
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#16
(Original post by Eriasu)
I noticed that I’m always the person who starts and if I don’t it never starts. This wasn’t recently but it’s being happening for some time but I never noticed it till I was drowning so deep that I actually wanted someone to lean on.

When I start a conversation with someone it goes great and goes on for a while. We talk about almost anything from likes to dislikes, hobbies and anything we can talk about, it even goes as far as personal moments where they open up to me which makes me happy that they trust me enough to open up to me and tell me about their personal struggles, personally I cherish those moments because it feels genuine and makes me think they’re genuinely my friends.

But I’ve noticed that I’m always starting conversations and on top of that I’m keeping it going by asking more question to invoke a response, It feels like I’m the one who always drives the car and steer it and if I stop they won’t try and drive it by themselves… they just leave.

I even went on to create a “bonding moment” to counter this but I always seem to ask more and get asked less and in the end it didn’t look like a progressive counter.

Recently when I went off fb for 2 months and when I came back there wasn’t a message asking how I was or any mention and after that was nothing, no one contacted me but when I spark a conversation they’re ready to go, even though they are reply late.

I don’t understand this, am I missing out on something? Or am I asking for too much? Should I just continue this? Right now I feel like I have absolutely have no friends amongst my "friends".

I get that some people are shy but this is the majority of my friends and even when I meet new people they’re still the same; I start or it never starts.

I’m not asking for too much, just a simple “Hi, how is your day?” would do much and mean a lot.

When I make friends I expect a mutual platonic relationship and not someone who’s only useful to increase the number of fb friends or an expendable tool.
Spoiler:
Show

I’m currently shifting between two songs “Give me love” – Ed sherran and “Leave your lover” – Sam smith, while I drown away my sorrow with Milk in a nursery kitchen because I got kicked out from a bar for being too young, ageism still exists.

I've been having the same exact issue for the last 3+ years. So I looked to find a solution to the problem. I went to see a spiritual therapist and she gave a bunch of different reasons that may have caused this issue but couldn't narrow it down to one. After I left her I went to see a psychic last week. The psychic said that I have a blockage in 3 of my Chakras (there are seven of them, you should do some research on them). One of the chakras has to do with communication also known as the crown chakra. We're currently doing some cleansing of my chakras and hopefully this will resolve the issue.

She said that there were 2 things from my past that may have caused the issue. 1) One of my grandparents or great grandparents was involved in a love triangle (was with 2 women secretly) and the affect was passed down to people in my family.
2). A girl that I was in a relationship for years was apparently abused sexually when she was a child and therefore had a curse in her. The curse then could of been transferred to me from having sex with her, so as a result has negatively affected me.

Advice: 1) See a qualified psychic (the real deal, no phonies) and let her evaluate you.
2) Pray every day; be thankful for what you have and also pray for cleansing.

Best of luck!
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Rezwan_
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#17
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#17
(Original post by Eriasu)
I noticed that I’m always the person who starts and if I don’t it never starts. This wasn’t recently but it’s being happening for some time but I never noticed it till I was drowning so deep that I actually wanted someone to lean on.

When I start a conversation with someone it goes great and goes on for a while. We talk about almost anything from likes to dislikes, hobbies and anything we can talk about, it even goes as far as personal moments where they open up to me which makes me happy that they trust me enough to open up to me and tell me about their personal struggles, personally I cherish those moments because it feels genuine and makes me think they’re genuinely my friends.

But I’ve noticed that I’m always starting conversations and on top of that I’m keeping it going by asking more question to invoke a response, It feels like I’m the one who always drives the car and steer it and if I stop they won’t try and drive it by themselves… they just leave.

I even went on to create a “bonding moment” to counter this but I always seem to ask more and get asked less and in the end it didn’t look like a progressive counter.

Recently when I went off fb for 2 months and when I came back there wasn’t a message asking how I was or any mention and after that was nothing, no one contacted me but when I spark a conversation they’re ready to go, even though they are reply late.

I don’t understand this, am I missing out on something? Or am I asking for too much? Should I just continue this? Right now I feel like I have absolutely have no friends amongst my "friends".

I get that some people are shy but this is the majority of my friends and even when I meet new people they’re still the same; I start or it never starts.

I’m not asking for too much, just a simple “Hi, how is your day?” would do much and mean a lot.

When I make friends I expect a mutual platonic relationship and not someone who’s only useful to increase the number of fb friends or an expendable tool.
Spoiler:
Show
I’m currently shifting between two songs “Give me love” – Ed sherran and “Leave your lover” – Sam smith, while I drown away my sorrow with Milk in a nursery kitchen because I got kicked out from a bar for being too young, ageism still exists.
Yes.
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Silver Arrow
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#18
Report 3 years ago
#18
(Original post by Smores15)
I've been having the same exact issue for the last 3+ years. So I looked to find a solution to the problem. I went to see a spiritual therapist and she gave a bunch of different reasons that may have caused this issue but couldn't narrow it down to one. After I left her I went to see a psychic last week. The psychic said that I have a blockage in 3 of my Chakras (there are seven of them, you should do some research on them). One of the chakras has to do with communication also known as the crown chakra. We're currently doing some cleansing of my chakras and hopefully this will resolve the issue.

She said that there were 2 things from my past that may have caused the issue. 1) One of my grandparents or great grandparents was involved in a love triangle (was with 2 women secretly) and the affect was passed down to people in my family.
2). A girl that I was in a relationship for years was apparently abused sexually when she was a child and therefore had a curse in her. The curse then could of been transferred to me from having sex with her, so as a result has negatively affected me.

Advice: 1) See a qualified psychic (the real deal, no phonies) and let her evaluate you.
2) Pray every day; be thankful for what you have and also pray for cleansing.

Best of luck!

Where can i find a psychic?
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adunn35
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#19
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#19
(Original post by Eriasu)
I noticed that I’m always the person who starts and if I don’t it never starts. This wasn’t recently but it’s being happening for some time but I never noticed it till I was drowning so deep that I actually wanted someone to lean on.

When I start a conversation with someone it goes great and goes on for a while. We talk about almost anything from likes to dislikes, hobbies and anything we can talk about, it even goes as far as personal moments where they open up to me which makes me happy that they trust me enough to open up to me and tell me about their personal struggles, personally I cherish those moments because it feels genuine and makes me think they’re genuinely my friends.

But I’ve noticed that I’m always starting conversations and on top of that I’m keeping it going by asking more question to invoke a response, It feels like I’m the one who always drives the car and steer it and if I stop they won’t try and drive it by themselves… they just leave.

I even went on to create a “bonding moment” to counter this but I always seem to ask more and get asked less and in the end it didn’t look like a progressive counter.

Recently when I went off fb for 2 months and when I came back there wasn’t a message asking how I was or any mention and after that was nothing, no one contacted me but when I spark a conversation they’re ready to go, even though they are reply late.

I don’t understand this, am I missing out on something? Or am I asking for too much? Should I just continue this? Right now I feel like I have absolutely have no friends amongst my "friends".

I get that some people are shy but this is the majority of my friends and even when I meet new people they’re still the same; I start or it never starts.

I’m not asking for too much, just a simple “Hi, how is your day?” would do much and mean a lot.

When I make friends I expect a mutual platonic relationship and not someone who’s only useful to increase the number of fb friends or an expendable tool.
Spoiler:
Show
I’m currently shifting between two songs “Give me love” – Ed sherran and “Leave your lover” – Sam smith, while I drown away my sorrow with Milk in a nursery kitchen because I got kicked out from a bar for being too young, ageism still exists.
I know how you feel I try my best to start up a conversation sometimes I get to know someone better half the time I just get a crazy look and I'm ignored its just the luck of the draw I guess
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tashkent46
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#20
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#20
Those aren't friends they are douchebags. Just keep talking to them until it's clear they would rather not talk to you. Keep making an effort
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