I am 17 years old, a month ago I started to come to reality and I realized that I am a socially inadequate and socially awkward young man who has no friends. This also lead to me gaining body dismorphia, and low self esteem/insecure.
However, I have been battling this and thankfully I am no longer insecure about my body, I still feel like I am a socially awkward loser tho and despite trying to socialise I am seeing no success.
So then yesterday I couldnt sleep I am constantly thinking about dumb stuff I have done in the past, I talk to myself and I even swear at myself telling myself that the fact that I have no friends is my fault.
But I am forcing myself not to care, however I am now easily agitated and toxic. I feel like i hate everyone, even people on this website. I dont care about making friends now and in my opinion most people can go **** themselves because I know they wouldnt care if i died or whatever.
I want to go out there be happy, make a name for myself, improve myself.However my mind is full of hate,self doubt,lazy, bad habits. I feel like I am stuck although I knownthere is something big out there waiting for me. I know I am special, i have self belief but still nothing is happening or working for me. I still havent been able to find my talent/dream/passion.
Lack of socialising makes this all worse, but noone wants to talk or hang out with me. So ohwell. Before this phase I used to be happy and cool. Just I have no idea now.
Don't worry so much, man. Some people are complete idiots who make it awkward for you to talk much. Probably along the way people have put you down too much. Overall, hang in there. It will get better from here.
Listen though, you need to get out there and do something with your life, and I don't mean just something that is regarded by a bunch of people as being 'cool' or an 'achievement' such as I don't know, getting a girlfriend or something. You are on this earth for a reason, and you should work on achieving your own goals. Next, you sound like you are putting yourself down way too much. Thinking about the past ain't gonna help you mate, forget all of it. See you've "forced yourself not to care" but really you do, and it's eating you up inside. Don't focus on that one bit. "Socially inadequate"? What ****. You have your whole flipping life ahead of you, so just get out there. Yeah and maybe the victories will be small,and maybe you'll take three steps back for every one forward, but don't worry. Literally force yourself to do something productive for 15 minutes a day, apply for a job, study, idk.
Good luck man, I mean it! You deserve better.
It's better to be socially awkward than to be overly talkative. I'm socially awkward too. Partly because I don't have a clue what to say most of the time and partly because I absolutely hate small talk. If that's the case with you as well I can share a few tips for small talking: make lots of noises like "aha, mmm hmm, interesting, I see, huhhh, etc" and just agree or pretend to agree with whatever they say. I've been told that I'm "a really good listener" and that I'm "so considerate" but what people don't realise is that I'm not listening to them at all, I've just switched off and gone into autopilot.
EDIT: I forgot to mention, just be yourself and talk about what you want to talk about. Just don't hold anything back. It means that people see the real you and like-minded people are more likely to approach. Another added benefit is that it also acts as a deterrent for people you won't get on with. Basically, if they're worth talking to they won't get scared off by it, it they do get scared off then they probably weren't worth talking to anyway.
By the way, if you're looking for a fellow socially awkward person to practice speaking to, feel free to message me anytime. I'll be more than happy to discuss a variety of academic topics, gaming or politics with you. But no celebrity gossip please, listening to that's like having molten iron poured in my ears. B*tching's okay though, it's the only part of gossiping which I can stand and to be honest it's a good stress reliever. Good luck out there!
I strongly recommend counselling. I speak from experience.