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Desperately want to move out, but...? watch

    • Thread Starter

    Hi all,
    I had a major bust up with my mum on Monday, she said many nasty things such as how much of a selfish ***** I am, how my dad (died in feb) would be ashamed of the daughter I've become, and I'm a worthless slut apparently. Now I'm not really sure what I've done to warrant being called such nasty things, but the only thing I can think of is that I wanted to stay at my bf's house (lives in england, I live in wales) for a few days longer because he was having a leaving party (he's moving to London). She didn't want me to stay over for some reason, and just lost it with me, at which point I refused to go home because i didn't feel safe with her in the mood she was in. She told me I was destroying the family and I had to move out when I got back. I got back home yesterday, and she said I was the one saying all those things to her, and I said I was going to move out!
    I desperately want to move, because she's been getting increasingly more controlling over the years, I'm not allowed out with my mates as she 'doesn't trust me', and she's determined that she have her own way and my bf and I break up. She's trying to choose my uni choices for me, as she says I don't know what's best for me. At the moment she's making home a very hostile place, and I can't stay here like this for much longer because I'm so unhappy here. I'd love to move out, the only place I'd have to go though is my boyfriend's family's house, which is fine with me. I am able to transfer my AS results from WJEC to AQA which is fine, so I wouldn't have to restart 6th form, so school isn't a problem, it's just leaving my friends that would be. However, I'd feel dreadful about leaving my 3 younger siblings, because I look after them such a lot for my mum. I'm like a second mother to them. I'd feel my mum would struggle and my sisters would be upset if I go, but I'm so unhappy here! I've tried talking to my mum, I've tried to get her friends to talk to her but she just ignores me and says I'm the one in the wrong. I feel like I do need space because I want to study medicine, and I'm halfway through my UCAS application, so I need to really focus on nailing the grades, which I can't do because my mum keeps interfering and putting me down, making me feel like utter sh*t.
    Sorry about the long paragraphs, I just wanted to give a bit of context. My questions probably are a)what would you do in my situation? b)Am I a bad person for wanting to leave desperately, because my siblings depend such a lot on me? c)Would it make a lot of difference in the long run, because i'd be leaving anyway in 10 months for uni?
    Thank you for any help, I just feel awful atm, not really sure what to do.

    Virtually all teenage children row with their parents. It's nature's way of enabling you to fly the nest.

    You feel your mother is controlling because you want to make your own decisions. Of course, that's healthy but she sees it as you rejecting her- being selfish.

    She wants to 'tell you what to do' because she is older, is your mother, has more sense- of course again because she's anxious you do well, she loves you. Just because you are 17/18 doesn't stop her feeling protective. A parent's relationship with a child doesn't always change at the same rate as the child's relationship with her parent. Mothers, in particular, risk letting their lives revolve around their children and it is difficult for them to let go.

    You could be going out of the frying pan into the fire by going to live with people who don't have the same emotional investment in you as your mother. Perhaps you could try and cooperate / help your mother in the house more. You may not appreciate the stress she is under, particularly if she works, cooks meals, cleans the house, pays the bills etc etc. Try one thing before you go. Next time you go through the door , say nothing, just go upto your mother and kiss her. You may well be amazed at how much your relationship improves.

    You may underestimate the emotional investment she has in you. No one will ever love you as your mother loves you. Do not let a temporary falling out sour your relationship for ever. She may be the one person in your life who will always have your best interest at heart - difficult though it may be to understand now.

    In a few years when you have more confidence in yourself as an adult and she has adjusted to your adult state you will find that you have a lot in common. She may be the one person you can rely on through thick and thin, when your children are sick, your husband has left, you have lost your job, you have nowhere to live. Boyfriends may come and go, mothers go on for ever.

    in all honesty I think you would be better off staying for the next 10 months and just putting up with things... it's not ideal at home but it's not like you're facing violence or constant abuse. While moving to your boyfriend's might sound ideal right now you don't know what it will be like living together, moving to a new place will be a big stress in and of itself, you've also got to negotiate living with your boyfriend's family, living with your boyfriend and if anything goes wrong you're potentially facing a lot of upheaval. It would be a big risk to move out right now. You know you will be leaving soon so I would focus on that and focus on getting your grades etc so it's possible.
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