Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free

I'm in a horrible situation and I don't know what to do Watch

    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    This is going to be a long one because it's a complicated situation.

    My elder brother emotionally and physically abused me as a child. This went on for years with no one doing anything about it, he even hit my mum once. Whilst the abuse was going on, I dropped out of school at 13/14, had no prospects and couldn't even get a job. I attempted suicide 4 times between the ages of 13 and 19.
    When he was 16 (I was 14) he moved out of the family home and we stopped talking. This was such a relief for me and I gradually started to piece my life back together after years of bullying. I did counselling and CBT for 2 years and eventually I realised that I didn't deserve what happened to me and I re-gained all the confidence that I had lost.
    I am finally 'back on track' with my life, I started university September 2015 and felt happy and fulfilled for the first time in my life. Then in December, my brother moved back into my mum's house. This has turned my world upside down and I can feel myself gradually sliding back into depression and feeling like I deserve what happened to me.
    I went back to my mum's house for Christmas but I couldn't stand being around my brother. My mum begged me to make an effort with him and because I love her so much I tried, but being at home was hell. He didn't abuse me again but I was constantly nervous/afraid and it brought a lot of feelings back.
    I left my mum's and went back to university early, over Summer I'm staying with my boyfriend who is an angel and could not be more supportive of me during this difficult time.
    The issue now is that I'm being villianised by my family for being rude and mean to my brother by not wanting to have a relationship with him. I have tried to speak about what happened to me (which was incredibly difficult) so that they would understand and stop pushing me to meet up with him, but that hasn't worked.
    My head is a mess, I cry almost every day and it affected my university performance through the second half of last year. Obviously, with going back to uni in September I want to be focused and ready to work, but this situation at the moment is all I can think about.
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    Hey, firstly I am really sorry to hear what you've had to endure. No person should suffer such vile treatment and I can only hope that it does not plague your future. The way that others are treating you is very difficult to relate with, I personally don't feel much sympathy for his part and believe that you have suffered and are entitled to feel hostile towards him. Its a shame it has gone this way as I fear it may cause a permanent rift between you and family so sadly I cannot offer any advice on how to fix that.

    My only advice would be to somehow (and I know this is very hard) ignore this and focus on returning to university. Once you are out of the house and away from home you should feel better, you will feel alone sadly and very isolated and very anxious over this month so if you feel like you need a friend or even an ear be sure to PM me as I would be happy to talk to you when you are done. I am sorry to hear what you have suffered.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by TitanCream)
    Hey, firstly I am really sorry to hear what you've had to endure. No person should suffer such vile treatment and I can only hope that it does not plague your future. The way that others are treating you is very difficult to relate with, I personally don't feel much sympathy for his part and believe that you have suffered and are entitled to feel hostile towards him. Its a shame it has gone this way as I fear it may cause a permanent rift between you and family so sadly I cannot offer any advice on how to fix that.

    My only advice would be to somehow (and I know this is very hard) ignore this and focus on returning to university. Once you are out of the house and away from home you should feel better, you will feel alone sadly and very isolated and very anxious over this month so if you feel like you need a friend or even an ear be sure to PM me as I would be happy to talk to you when you are done. I am sorry to hear what you have suffered.
    Thank you so much for your kind response. I'm doing my best to focus on going back to university and honestly I can't wait to get away from my hometown again. It's just difficult when I miss my mum so much but every time I go round to see her he is there and won't go out and let me have time with my mum.
    When I confessed the abuse to my mum she cried and seemed to blame herself, but hasn't spoken about it to me since and as far as I know hasn't brought up with my brother. It's difficult because I know he's her son and she will love him no matter what but I feel like no one was there to protect me as a child and no one is respecting my feelings now. It's hard to stop myself feeling like what happened to me didn't matter.
    Offline

    20
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thank you so much for your kind response. I'm doing my best to focus on going back to university and honestly I can't wait to get away from my hometown again. It's just difficult when I miss my mum so much but every time I go round to see her he is there and won't go out and let me have time with my mum.
    When I confessed the abuse to my mum she cried and seemed to blame herself, but hasn't spoken about it to me since and as far as I know hasn't brought up with my brother. It's difficult because I know he's her son and she will love him no matter what but I feel like no one was there to protect me as a child and no one is respecting my feelings now. It's hard to stop myself feeling like what happened to me didn't matter.
    Perhaps you could take your mother out? Go for a meal or even for a walk? He doesn't need to know why or where you are going, it would help for you and your mum to have private time together without someone else being there.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by TitanCream)
    Perhaps you could take your mother out? Go for a meal or even for a walk? He doesn't need to know why or where you are going, it would help for you and your mum to have private time together without someone else being there.
    I have tried but she always ends up bringing up the situation and then we argue, which ruins our time together.
    I have a lot of anger towards the situation because while I've worked hard to put myself through college and now uni by working, he's just moved back in with my mum and is refusing to get a job.
    • #2
    #2

    Hi, I'm really sorry to hear your story.
    Very touching. I don't mean to sound harsh / firm, but my advice is to DO YOU. You have a responsibility to yourself to get on the right path & be happy for yourself. This isn't about your mum, this is about ensuring YOUR happiness.
    You've had to endure such a horrible experience in the past and you've done so well to have moved on in life. Please don't look back & don't let that fool of a brother / any family member drag you back to that dark place ever again.
    You've got a supportive boyfriend who you can trust & who has your back. Remember that.
    Ultimately, all that matters is your happiness & anything that's going to stop you from being in your happy place, you've got to let it go.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Hi, I'm really sorry to hear your story.
    Very touching. I don't mean to sound harsh / firm, but my advice is to DO YOU. You have a responsibility to yourself to get on the right path & be happy for yourself. This isn't about your mum, this is about ensuring YOUR happiness.
    You've had to endure such a horrible experience in the past and you've done so well to have moved on in life. Please don't look back & don't let that fool of a brother / any family member drag you back to that dark place ever again.
    You've got a supportive boyfriend who you can trust & who has your back. Remember that.
    Ultimately, all that matters is your happiness & anything that's going to stop you from being in your happy place, you've got to let it go.
    Thank you I've been looking for a sign that I need to pick myself up and move on, it looks like this is it
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    perhaps you should think about trying to forgive your brother? I know it's not going to be easy and it will take time to stop feeling scared of him but it sounds like he has changed and is not the same person you knew as a child, letting go of some of your negative feelings and reconciling with your family would probably be better for you too in the long run

    I hope you don't think I'm being super insensitive with this but I have been in a similar situation and I know that letting go and moving on was much better for me
    Offline

    17
    ReputationRep:
    Has your brother apologised or shown any kind of remorse for how he treated you? Has he made any effort to build bridges with you? If so, maybe give him a second chance but I would stay well clear of him if he doesn't care how much suffering his behaviour has caused you.
    You seem genuinely afraid of him so your parents need to respect that you're not ready to have a proper relationship yet. Your mental health has to come first.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by DarkMagic)
    Has your brother apologised or shown any kind of remorse for how he treated you? Has he made any effort to build bridges with you? If so, maybe give him a second chance but I would stay well clear of him if he doesn't care how much suffering his behaviour has caused you.
    You seem genuinely afraid of him so your parents need to respect that you're not ready to have a proper relationship yet. Your mental health has to come first.
    Nope. No effort whatsoever on his part to even acknowledge what he has done. I don't think he believes what he did was wrong, as no one has ever questioned him about it. Yeah me and my mum haven't spoken for three days... it's breaking my heart but I need to do what's right for me.

    (Original post by doodle_333)
    perhaps you should think about trying to forgive your brother? I know it's not going to be easy and it will take time to stop feeling scared of him but it sounds like he has changed and is not the same person you knew as a child, letting go of some of your negative feelings and reconciling with your family would probably be better for you too in the long run

    I hope you don't think I'm being super insensitive with this but I have been in a similar situation and I know that letting go and moving on was much better for me
    I totally agree I should forgive him, and I'm working on that. It doesn't help to hold such strong feelings about someone. However, I don't think forgiving someone always means you have to go back and patch things up with them. You can forgive someone and forget them, if that's what's best for you.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Nope. No effort whatsoever on his part to even acknowledge what he has done. I don't think he believes what he did was wrong, as no one has ever questioned him about it. Yeah me and my mum haven't spoken for three days... it's breaking my heart but I need to do what's right for me.

    I totally agree I should forgive him, and I'm working on that. It doesn't help to hold such strong feelings about someone. However, I don't think forgiving someone always means you have to go back and patch things up with them. You can forgive someone and forget them, if that's what's best for you.
    I completely agree. These things get very difficult when family are involved, your parents probably feel that there is nothing your brother could ever do to make them disown him and while they want you safe now - you are in reality (although I know you don't feel it). If it was an ex boyfriend or someone you'd never have to see them again but this is your brother and the only way to never see him again is to basically cut contact with your whole family - that's a massive loss to you. The way I thought about it was that the person had really taken enough from me I was going to do what made me happiest now rather than letting them take any more from me. I'm just offering an alternative - will leaving your entire family behind make your life better? or would trying to move on make you happier?
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    What a bad bad situation!
    You poor thing!!!!

    :hugs:

    Can you get someone else to talk to your mother and explain things?
    An aunt or someone?

    The trouble is that your mother has one relationship with your brother (and it's up to her what she does), but you have your own relationship, and that is not for your family to tell you what you must do.

    Go your own way and try not to hate your family.
    But stay strong and remember it is your decision.
    You do NOT have to endure him if you don't want to.
    (No matter what anyone says).
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by doodle_333)
    I completely agree. These things get very difficult when family are involved, your parents probably feel that there is nothing your brother could ever do to make them disown him and while they want you safe now - you are in reality (although I know you don't feel it). If it was an ex boyfriend or someone you'd never have to see them again but this is your brother and the only way to never see him again is to basically cut contact with your whole family - that's a massive loss to you. The way I thought about it was that the person had really taken enough from me I was going to do what made me happiest now rather than letting them take any more from me. I'm just offering an alternative - will leaving your entire family behind make your life better? or would trying to move on make you happier?
    I totally get that. He's my mother's son and I think it'd take a lot to make any parent cut off their child. I don't think mine and my parents' relationship would be so strained if my brother didn't live at home, so I'm kind of just waiting for him to move out at some point tbh.

    (Original post by dancing sloth)
    What a bad bad situation!
    You poor thing!!!!

    Can you get someone else to talk to your mother and explain things?
    An aunt or someone?

    The trouble is that your mother has one relationship with your brother (and it's up to her what she does), but you have your own relationship, and that is not for your family to tell you what you must do.

    Go your own way and try not to hate your family.
    But stay strong and remember it is your decision.
    You do NOT have to endure him if you don't want to.
    (No matter what anyone says).
    Thank you for the support. I have tried to tell her that while she can forgive him, I cannot. She is entitled to a relationship with him and I'd never begrudge that put she won't stop pushing me into talking to him.
    I've tried talking to an auntie who seems to side with me as she was abused by her brother as well. She'll basically **** my brother off to me but then is really nice to his face, which I don't understand. She's taken him on holiday recently and everything, even though he's not working.

    I feel like I'm just moaning on TSR everyday, but I'm so upset and I have no other outlet for this.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Does anyone know if this situation would constitute extenuating circumstances?
    • Community Assistant
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    Community Assistant
    Are your parents aware of your suicide attempts and the counselling? If they are then they are dicks that aren't worth the effort fo trying to patch things p with. If they aren't, try getting either of them alone, when the situation is raised bring up the fact that you did all this stuff, because of what he did to you. Worst comes to the worst, they don't listen, and at that point they aren't your family anyway.
    I would have thought it was worth mentioning to the university that you are starting to slip back into depression, if nothing else. They can get you some help and might get in contact with your family explaining the situation to them a bit.
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by an_atheist)
    Are your parents aware of your suicide attempts and the counselling? If they are then they are dicks that aren't worth the effort fo trying to patch things p with. If they aren't, try getting either of them alone, when the situation is raised bring up the fact that you did all this stuff, because of what he did to you. Worst comes to the worst, they don't listen, and at that point they aren't your family anyway.
    I would have thought it was worth mentioning to the university that you are starting to slip back into depression, if nothing else. They can get you some help and might get in contact with your family explaining the situation to them a bit.
    Yeah, they are. I don't think it's that simple a situation where I can just cut off contact with my parents. I have spoken to uni and they know I suffer from depression.
    • Community Assistant
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    Community Assistant
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Yeah, they are. I don't think it's that simple a situation where I can just cut off contact with my parents. I have spoken to uni and they know I suffer from depression.
    Do they know your brother's behaviour towards you caused it?
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    (Original post by an_atheist)
    Do they know your brother's behaviour towards you caused it?
    Well, it was due to a lot of different things going on in my life at the time, my brother's abuse being one of them. They know that.
    • Community Assistant
    Offline

    15
    ReputationRep:
    Community Assistant
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Well, it was due to a lot of different things going on in my life at the time, my brother's abuse being one of them. They know that.
    Then explain to them that you have a problem with your brother due to what he did to you, and try to get them to understand that you don't want to be around him because of it.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: August 16, 2016
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Brussels sprouts
    Useful resources
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.