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Relationship is making me question myself/life, is it him or me with the problems? Watch

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    I told my boyfriend (of 2 years on and off) that I didn't like his attitude, he said stay away then and I've not heard off him for 2 weeks. I told him this as I felt he was criticising and putting me down a lot. He uses the words 'abnormal' 'oddball' and has said that Ive not been brought up right, that Ive been sheltered and pampered etc. He said that I'm not assertive as I've been pampered all my life in front of others and that was when I told him that I didn't like his attitude. It also feels a lot of the time that I can't have an intellectual conversation/discussion without it ending in him saying '********' or ' you think like a 12 year old'. He said to me that I seem to think like a 12/14 year old and that when he's with me he has to bring himself down to my level. I get angry at his comments but don't show it. when I defend myself he just points out how I sound like a 12 year old.

    The other side of this is the fact that I have faults/weaknesses. I've always been very quiet, found it hard to make friends and as a result have never had a social life or people to go out with. I've had the odd drink and odd date but I've never experienced a regular night life, holidays with friends or 'experimented with guys' as my bf puts it. I just focused on my hobby of keeping fit. I also don't have the urge to have sex. I can get turned on but not by intercourse (I guess I have a fetish tho not told him), we have tried sex several times but it has hurt and we have stopped. He says I'm not interested and am frigid. I also don't like kissing (though do a little to please him). He also says I'm not touchy feely, am a cold person and have no passion. So these things will understandably affect the relationship as he understandably wants sex. It has caused him to break up with me several times on and off.

    It is not just the things he says to me though, I feel I can't have a proper discussion with him as he has strong opinions. He has admitted that he is homophobic (maybe to do with his generation he's quite a bit older) and says that he doesn't respect people who are not athletes (he is athletic himself) If an overweight person walks by he will often make a rude comment about their size.

    I wondered if he has elements of narcissism in him so looked up the traits of it lol. He does fit some characteristics but then I also realised that so do I. Ive always got easily offended and secretly angry at criticism (my family have said so) and I wondered if this has affected things. Is it me that is being too easily offended by what he says. What he says does have truth. I am abnormal in that Ive not been a girly girl who has had friends, I'm not social, don't like sex, am very quiet and appear very unasserive and unfeminine (the latter he has pointed out many times). I do still live with parents for financial reasons. My bf told me that his friend thinks it's weird that I've never had holidays with friends etc and that I need to move out of home. He said that a woman said that its a shame for me that it's a waste of life (I can believe this as I know the woman).

    So part of me thinks that he is trying to put me down/control/criticises too much but then the other part of me wonders if I'm being over sensitive and that he is right in most of what he is saying. He does have a strong character, is he simply trying to motivate in his own (harsh) way)? Besides his seemingly abusive tendencies am I in denial that Ive been pampered/never grown up (I am an only child) and there's really something wrong with me. Currently I feel fairly content within myself (I have a degree and hobby) although I recognise my life hasn't been as full as others and that I could do with getting out more. But is it more serious than this, do I really have problems as my bf seems to indicate? I just wanted advice, I'm confused with this being my first proper relationship.
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    Hi OP

    I think he is being extremely unfair on you. He is there insulting you. Talking about how you are odd, why don't you have friends, why don't you move out, why don't you act your age .. he's a bully. He can see that you're very caring, and do not critisize him, and he is using that as power to make him feel better about himself.

    All the friends he has and went out with - i wonder how many of them he still keeps in touch with, how many actually give a damn about him.

    The fact that he has broken up with you several times illustrates his need to control you. His "I can change my mind up and down whenever I want, and she can't do anything about it" ..is so rude. How about you call the shots. I wonder what he would say when he wants to get back together with you, and you say no?

    You need to find someone who would bring out the best in you. Someone who would say "I know you haven't been out much when you were younger, but I'm going to take you everywhere!". Not someone who belittles you.

    Break up with him, see how he likes it.

    If he questions it, you could just say "well, since I speak like a 12 year old, you wouldnt understand my reasons anyway".
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I told my boyfriend (of 2 years on and off) that I didn't like his attitude, he said stay away then and I've not heard off him for 2 weeks. I told him this as I felt he was criticising and putting me down a lot. He uses the words 'abnormal' 'oddball' and has said that Ive not been brought up right, that Ive been sheltered and pampered etc. He said that I'm not assertive as I've been pampered all my life in front of others and that was when I told him that I didn't like his attitude. It also feels a lot of the time that I can't have an intellectual conversation/discussion without it ending in him saying '********' or ' you think like a 12 year old'. He said to me that I seem to think like a 12/14 year old and that when he's with me he has to bring himself down to my level. I get angry at his comments but don't show it. when I defend myself he just points out how I sound like a 12 year old.

    The other side of this is the fact that I have faults/weaknesses. I've always been very quiet, found it hard to make friends and as a result have never had a social life or people to go out with. I've had the odd drink and odd date but I've never experienced a regular night life, holidays with friends or 'experimented with guys' as my bf puts it. I just focused on my hobby of keeping fit. I also don't have the urge to have sex. I can get turned on but not by intercourse (I guess I have a fetish tho not told him), we have tried sex several times but it has hurt and we have stopped. He says I'm not interested and am frigid. I also don't like kissing (though do a little to please him). He also says I'm not touchy feely, am a cold person and have no passion. So these things will understandably affect the relationship as he understandably wants sex. It has caused him to break up with me several times on and off.

    It is not just the things he says to me though, I feel I can't have a proper discussion with him as he has strong opinions. He has admitted that he is homophobic (maybe to do with his generation he's quite a bit older) and says that he doesn't respect people who are not athletes (he is athletic himself) If an overweight person walks by he will often make a rude comment about their size.

    I wondered if he has elements of narcissism in him so looked up the traits of it lol. He does fit some characteristics but then I also realised that so do I. Ive always got easily offended and secretly angry at criticism (my family have said so) and I wondered if this has affected things. Is it me that is being too easily offended by what he says. What he says does have truth. I am abnormal in that Ive not been a girly girl who has had friends, I'm not social, don't like sex, am very quiet and appear very unasserive and unfeminine (the latter he has pointed out many times). I do still live with parents for financial reasons. My bf told me that his friend thinks it's weird that I've never had holidays with friends etc and that I need to move out of home. He said that a woman said that its a shame for me that it's a waste of life (I can believe this as I know the woman).

    So part of me thinks that he is trying to put me down/control/criticises too much but then the other part of me wonders if I'm being over sensitive and that he is right in most of what he is saying. He does have a strong character, is he simply trying to motivate in his own (harsh) way)? Besides his seemingly abusive tendencies am I in denial that Ive been pampered/never grown up (I am an only child) and there's really something wrong with me. Currently I feel fairly content within myself (I have a degree and hobby) although I recognise my life hasn't been as full as others and that I could do with getting out more. But is it more serious than this, do I really have problems as my bf seems to indicate? I just wanted advice, I'm confused with this being my first proper relationship.
    I only had to read first paragraph to come to conclusion that you should find someone else that you get along with better.

    A relationship marked by continual arguments and one that's one and off, is not a normal or healthy relationship.

    Break up and go your separate ways for both of your own sakes.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I told my boyfriend (of 2 years on and off) that I didn't like his attitude, he said stay away then and I've not heard off him for 2 weeks. I told him this as I felt he was criticising and putting me down a lot. He uses the words 'abnormal' 'oddball' and has said that Ive not been brought up right, that Ive been sheltered and pampered etc. He said that I'm not assertive as I've been pampered all my life in front of others and that was when I told him that I didn't like his attitude. It also feels a lot of the time that I can't have an intellectual conversation/discussion without it ending in him saying '********' or ' you think like a 12 year old'. He said to me that I seem to think like a 12/14 year old and that when he's with me he has to bring himself down to my level. I get angry at his comments but don't show it. when I defend myself he just points out how I sound like a 12 year old.

    The other side of this is the fact that I have faults/weaknesses. I've always been very quiet, found it hard to make friends and as a result have never had a social life or people to go out with. I've had the odd drink and odd date but I've never experienced a regular night life, holidays with friends or 'experimented with guys' as my bf puts it. I just focused on my hobby of keeping fit. I also don't have the urge to have sex. I can get turned on but not by intercourse (I guess I have a fetish tho not told him), we have tried sex several times but it has hurt and we have stopped. He says I'm not interested and am frigid. I also don't like kissing (though do a little to please him). He also says I'm not touchy feely, am a cold person and have no passion. So these things will understandably affect the relationship as he understandably wants sex. It has caused him to break up with me several times on and off.

    It is not just the things he says to me though, I feel I can't have a proper discussion with him as he has strong opinions. He has admitted that he is homophobic (maybe to do with his generation he's quite a bit older) and says that he doesn't respect people who are not athletes (he is athletic himself) If an overweight person walks by he will often make a rude comment about their size.

    I wondered if he has elements of narcissism in him so looked up the traits of it lol. He does fit some characteristics but then I also realised that so do I. Ive always got easily offended and secretly angry at criticism (my family have said so) and I wondered if this has affected things. Is it me that is being too easily offended by what he says. What he says does have truth. I am abnormal in that Ive not been a girly girl who has had friends, I'm not social, don't like sex, am very quiet and appear very unasserive and unfeminine (the latter he has pointed out many times). I do still live with parents for financial reasons. My bf told me that his friend thinks it's weird that I've never had holidays with friends etc and that I need to move out of home. He said that a woman said that its a shame for me that it's a waste of life (I can believe this as I know the woman).

    So part of me thinks that he is trying to put me down/control/criticises too much but then the other part of me wonders if I'm being over sensitive and that he is right in most of what he is saying. He does have a strong character, is he simply trying to motivate in his own (harsh) way)? Besides his seemingly abusive tendencies am I in denial that Ive been pampered/never grown up (I am an only child) and there's really something wrong with me. Currently I feel fairly content within myself (I have a degree and hobby) although I recognise my life hasn't been as full as others and that I could do with getting out more. But is it more serious than this, do I really have problems as my bf seems to indicate? I just wanted advice, I'm confused with this being my first proper relationship.
    Just out of interest, how old is he?
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    This seems to be rather toxic actually. It seems that you both seem to focus on the flaws of each other and dig at that, and even though that's normal to have in relationships, it seems to be the focus of yours. You both seem better off with different people unless you can sit down for a really long time with him and talk about everything you have mentioned on here.
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    (Original post by stargirl63)
    Hi OP

    I think he is being extremely unfair on you. He is there insulting you. Talking about how you are odd, why don't you have friends, why don't you move out, why don't you act your age .. he's a bully. He can see that you're very caring, and do not critisize him, and he is using that as power to make him feel better about himself.

    All the friends he has and went out with - i wonder how many of them he still keeps in touch with, how many actually give a damn about him.

    The fact that he has broken up with you several times illustrates his need to control you. His "I can change my mind up and down whenever I want, and she can't do anything about it" ..is so rude. How about you call the shots. I wonder what he would say when he wants to get back together with you, and you say no?

    You need to find someone who would bring out the best in you. Someone who would say "I know you haven't been out much when you were younger, but I'm going to take you everywhere!". Not someone who belittles you.

    Break up with him, see how he likes it.

    If he questions it, you could just say "well, since I speak like a 12 year old, you wouldnt understand my reasons anyway".
    I think he might have broke up this time I'm not even sure he doesn't always reply to texts. What's annoying is after he insults me if I say something like 'I don't like your attitude' or 'no one else would put up with it' he will just say 'well stay away then' or ' you don't have to put up with it'. The on and off breaking up thing I first thought was due to his frustration of not having sex, which I can understand as it's something that he wants/is expected in most relationships. There's no point me keep messaging him I might as well just give it a week or 2. I will be seeing him around tomorrow though at the sports club :/
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    (Original post by I like chicken)
    This seems to be rather toxic actually. It seems that you both seem to focus on the flaws of each other and dig at that, and even though that's normal to have in relationships, it seems to be the focus of yours. You both seem better off with different people unless you can sit down for a really long time with him and talk about everything you have mentioned on here.
    There are flaws I see with him though that I've never mentioned to him, just kind of accepted but it doesn't seem that he can do the same/live and let live. This is the thing I don't think he is open minded enough to really talk. If I tell him about calling me abnormal he will likely just say 'well it's true'
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    There are flaws I see with him though that I've never mentioned to him, just kind of accepted but it doesn't seem that he can do the same/live and let live. This is the thing I don't think he is open minded enough to really talk. If I tell him about calling me abnormal he will likely just say 'well it's true'
    That is something he needs to change about himself then, if he truly cares for you, he would make this sacrifice to at least change his persona a bit. You really need to talk with him about it, a bunch of strangers can tell you it's not right or whatever but he needs to know because at the end of the day, it is your relationship and you have to work together to make it work by communicating or just let it go,
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    There are flaws I see with him though that I've never mentioned to him, just kind of accepted but it doesn't seem that he can do the same/live and let live. This is the thing I don't think he is open minded enough to really talk. If I tell him about calling me abnormal he will likely just say 'well it's true'
    If that is the case, then why is he with you ? If you're so difficult to be around, why is he with you? Clearly you're not that bad. He just wants to make you feel like that.
    Because you're easy to control. And he loves bullying you and controlling you.
    Even now... you don't even know if you're single or not. ..why is he calling the shots? Why are you letting him have so much power over you.

    It's not about him being open minded or listening to you or whatever. ..do you think someone like him is going to "change"? This is it. This is him. And he won't change because look... You're still with him regardless. If he calls you now and says yes we are still together. ..then you're with him. Next week he will break up with you. A few days get back together. .. relationships are not switches. They are emotions.

    Look at what he is doing to you. You're upset, you're asking advice, your emotions are up and down, you feel teased by him, mocked by him. Is this the man you want your future with? Potentially marry?

    If you're single and he has broken up with you or whatever. Call it a blessing and do not get back with him at all. You need to be strong about it.

    I think everyone on tsr can type stuff until their hands are numb but this is for you.

    A boyfriend is there to support you, protect you, make you feel secure and loved, look after you, make you laugh, make you feel special.

    If he is not doing any of those things. ..then I question why you are with him. Ask yourself hard....why are you with him? If he is making you more upset than he is making you happy.... then move on. He isn't good for you.
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    (Original post by stargirl63)
    If that is the case, then why is he with you ? If you're so difficult to be around, why is he with you? Clearly you're not that bad. He just wants to make you feel like that.
    Because you're easy to control. And he loves bullying you and controlling you.
    Even now... you don't even know if you're single or not. ..why is he calling the shots? Why are you letting him have so much power over you.

    It's not about him being open minded or listening to you or whatever. ..do you think someone like him is going to "change"? This is it. This is him. And he won't change because look... You're still with him regardless. If he calls you now and says yes we are still together. ..then you're with him. Next week he will break up with you. A few days get back together. .. relationships are not switches. They are emotions.

    Look at what he is doing to you. You're upset, you're asking advice, your emotions are up and down, you feel teased by him, mocked by him. Is this the man you want your future with? Potentially marry?

    If you're single and he has broken up with you or whatever. Call it a blessing and do not get back with him at all. You need to be strong about it.

    I think everyone on tsr can type stuff until their hands are numb but this is for you.

    A boyfriend is there to support you, protect you, make you feel secure and loved, look after you, make you laugh, make you feel special.

    If he is not doing any of those things. ..then I question why you are with him. Ask yourself hard....why are you with him? If he is making you more upset than he is making you happy.... then move on. He isn't good for you.
    Thanks for the reply. Yea looking at it objectively and deep down I know its likely I wouldn't be happy long term. I've been putting his behaviour and attitude down to his frustrations with the problem with sex so I've been 'letting him off' so to speak. . He does have lots of good qualities, for example I've known him for years he has helped me lots in the past with getting into fitness (he still trains with me sometimes), basically he has done a lot for me sports wise. Thinking about it he has insulted me several times in the past during training too but because most of the time he was ok I just thought oh well he's just trying to motivate me. But as you say I've got to look at the relationship separately from this and yes the best thing would be to find someone who doesn't like to have as much control or is as strongly opinionated.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Thanks for the reply. Yea looking at it objectively and deep down I know its likely I wouldn't be happy long term. I've been putting his behaviour and attitude down to his frustrations with the problem with sex so I've been 'letting him off' so to speak. . He does have lots of good qualities, for example I've known him for years he has helped me lots in the past with getting into fitness (he still trains with me sometimes), basically he has done a lot for me sports wise. Thinking about it he has insulted me several times in the past during training too but because most of the time he was ok I just thought oh well he's just trying to motivate me. But as you say I've got to look at the relationship separately from this and yes the best thing would be to find someone who doesn't like to have as much control or is as strongly opinionated.
    With the sex thing, I wouldn't be surprised if it is a psychological thing on your side. You find it hard to be in the relationship and so find it hard to express yourself vulnerabily to him. It's quite common that during a relationship you don't like, you don't want to have sex. Sometimes it is really difficult to find that correlation but it is 100% there.

    Yes exactly. Just because he had been a bit of a personal trainer (whilst insulting you), doesn't mean that he deserves a relationship with you and has a free pass to being horrible. People have been dumped in the past for less.

    Think about how life will be if you are with him long term. You probably know he won't change. This isn't the first time you have brought this up, he has had his chance to change and he hasn't.

    There's another guy out there for you who will make your happiness his absolute priority.
 
 
 
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