should i feel guilty about the way i treated her? Am i the bad guy?

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    i was seeing a girl for about 3 or 4 months, all of a sudden she wants a "break" due to her anxiety.

    So I was patient and understanding and we still talked over the past 2 months but she didnt want to meet. Recently I had begun to feel like things were never going to get any better and she did things which made me confused and a bit hurt. This was stuff like not replying to my text asking about meeting up and saying she wanted to see me (drunk) and then the next day saying she couldn't.

    So i decided to talk to her about it and called her. We chatted a bit and i brought up that recently she's been making me feel quite hurt and unwanted with some of the things she's been doing (i wasnt angry or upset or anything). So then she cries and hangs up. I try to call back and her friend answers and says she doesnt want to speak to me (i thought this was very juvenile)

    After this i texted her a few times and she said she couldnt stay on the phone while someone told her how bad she makes them feel. I decided the floodgates were open so i just told her everything- i felt she was "phasing me out, that i felt that 3/4 months deserves a proper breakup (she disagreed). She said she cares about me and said something about being friends but i told her that we couldn't really be friends and it's not like we would spend any time together.

    Anyway, i'm just looking for some reassurance? Am i the bad guy? I can't help but feel guilty but at the same time i need to be able to talk about my feelings? Even if she has issues with anxiety that doesn't mean she can behave however she wants. I especially felt upset that her friend answered the phone, to me this is like the behaviour of a teenager.

    I did think about texting her an apology, but i don't know if should.
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    You did the right thing. Congratulations on your 3 or 4 months of patience, but it was time to move on

    I may be entirely wrong, but I don't think anxiety issues prevent you from meeting up with people for a third of the year!
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    This is a bit of a tricky one. In normal circumstances (if the girl was free from anxiety or any other mental conditions) I would say yeah fair enough, sounds like she's lost interest.

    In this case, it's hard to tell. Not meeting up with the person you're seeing for 2 months in any scenario is a bit much though. I don't think you should have made her feel bad, but you were right to break it off. You definitely could have handled things better though, she sounds fragile.
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    (Original post by Another)
    You did the right thing. Congratulations on your 3 or 4 months of patience, but it was time to move on

    I may be entirely wrong, but I don't think anxiety issues prevent you from meeting up with people for a third of the year!
    Problem with mental illnesses is that they can go on for months without being diagnosed or realising they even have a problem. She may have anxiety, but she could also be suffering from something more serious.
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    I have anxiety, but when you have something for that long you have to force yourself to realise that you could potentially be hurting people. It's not unusual that you start blocking people out. My boyfriend and I were dating for 3 months when it got out of hand, it was fine when we started and got worse gradually, and he gripped me by my shoulders and told me to the face straight that he'd be there for me if I just let him in and realise that I can talk to him. Now we've been dating for 9 months and I'm pretty much anxiety free because I take control of myself, and if I do have the occasional breakout he's there to support me and calm me down.

    In order to not let anxiety rule over your life and how you live it you have to control it yourself. For me that was a wake-up call, I didn't want to lose my boyfriend even though I felt scared and I didn't know what to do. Some people don't know how to do that yet, don't know how to control themselves and shut everyone else out. You can try and try and try but the possibility that you'll be successful is small. She has to realise and accept her condition first, and properly, before she can do anything about it.

    I don't think it's your fault, and I don't think you have to apologise. Just be understanding that it is very difficult. And also, if you can't handle being in a relationship with someone who shuts you out completely, then so be it. That's not your fault, when you're in a relationship, you want to be loved. For yourself, and probably for her too, you did the right thing. She needs to take control over herself first.
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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    i was seeing a girl for about 3 or 4 months, all of a sudden she wants a "break" due to her anxiety.

    So I was patient and understanding and we still talked over the past 2 months but she didnt want to meet. Recently I had begun to feel like things were never going to get any better and she did things which made me confused and a bit hurt. This was stuff like not replying to my text asking about meeting up and saying she wanted to see me (drunk) and then the next day saying she couldn't.

    So i decided to talk to her about it and called her. We chatted a bit and i brought up that recently she's been making me feel quite hurt and unwanted with some of the things she's been doing (i wasnt angry or upset or anything). So then she cries and hangs up. I try to call back and her friend answers and says she doesnt want to speak to me (i thought this was very juvenile)

    After this i texted her a few times and she said she couldnt stay on the phone while someone told her how bad she makes them feel. I decided the floodgates were open so i just told her everything- i felt she was "phasing me out, that i felt that 3/4 months deserves a proper breakup (she disagreed). She said she cares about me and said something about being friends but i told her that we couldn't really be friends and it's not like we would spend any time together.

    Anyway, i'm just looking for some reassurance? Am i the bad guy? I can't help but feel guilty but at the same time i need to be able to talk about my feelings? Even if she has issues with anxiety that doesn't mean she can behave however she wants. I especially felt upset that her friend answered the phone, to me this is like the behaviour of a teenager.

    I did think about texting her an apology, but i don't know if should.
    You deserve better. Let her go and find someone that will treat you well!
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    (Original post by ewandernoth)
    I have anxiety, but when you have something for that long you have to force yourself to realise that you could potentially be hurting people. It's not unusual that you start blocking people out. My boyfriend and I were dating for 3 months when it got out of hand, it was fine when we started and got worse gradually, and he gripped me by my shoulders and told me to the face straight that he'd be there for me if I just let him in and realise that I can talk to him. Now we've been dating for 9 months and I'm pretty much anxiety free because I take control of myself, and if I do have the occasional breakout he's there to support me and calm me down.

    In order to not let anxiety rule over your life and how you live it you have to control it yourself. For me that was a wake-up call, I didn't want to lose my boyfriend even though I felt scared and I didn't know what to do. Some people don't know how to do that yet, don't know how to control themselves and shut everyone else out. You can try and try and try but the possibility that you'll be successful is small. She has to realise and accept her condition first, and properly, before she can do anything about it.

    I don't think it's your fault, and I don't think you have to apologise. Just be understanding that it is very difficult. And also, if you can't handle being in a relationship with someone who shuts you out completely, then so be it. That's not your fault, when you're in a relationship, you want to be loved. For yourself, and probably for her too, you did the right thing. She needs to take control over herself first.
    I tried really hard to be patient and understanding. I guess it just got harder to do though, particularly when she did things like not reply to my texts or say she wanted to see me but never went through with it. I started to get upset that she didn't appreciate me, when I said I had been patient she said "I never asked you to do that". I feel like giving her a free pass just because she has anxiety is unhealthy.
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    (Original post by TaintedSoul)
    Not at all. B*tches love to be treated like ****!
    What??? I'm not sure you understand what OP is trying to say at all!
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    Probably a good thing. I wouldnt worry about it though it sounds unlikely either of you were any good for each other and you seemed to make things worse for each other.
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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    I tried really hard to be patient and understanding. I guess it just got harder to do though, particularly when she did things like not reply to my texts or say she wanted to see me but never went through with it. I started to get upset that she didn't appreciate me, when I said I had been patient she said "I never asked you to do that". I feel like giving her a free pass just because she has anxiety is unhealthy.
    Walking away is an option. You have been patient and I think that is amazing of you. But enough is enough, you have to care about yourself, too.
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    (Original post by 999tigger)
    Probably a good thing. I wouldnt worry about it though it sounds unlikely either of you were any good for each other and you seemed to make things worse for each other.
    The 3/4 months we spent together were great. You're probably right though, neither of us could meet each others' needs.
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    (Original post by ewandernoth)
    Walking away is an option. You have been patient and I think that is amazing of you. But enough is enough, you have to care about yourself, too.
    thanks for your responses. I've even feeling really **** about it, your made me feel a bit better.
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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    thanks for your responses. I've even feeling really **** about it, your made me feel a bit better.
    Feeling bad can be a thing especially when you know the person you cared so much has an issue, but if you know for yourself that you cannot help them or make them feel better without going down yourself, then what's the point? You both want to be happy in a relationship, and whilst the others' happiness is very important, you can't forget about your own.

    There's not much you can do for her at the moment. Until she can conquer her own anxiety issues telling that you care for her and that you're there for her won't help. She needs to know for herself that she can be confident alone, and right now I know that she's definitely not capable of that. I wasn't for a while, until I realised that I couldn't continue pushing everyone away and live in my own demise. I think there's a step to helping with anxiety, and the first part is trying to control it yourself. Before someone can't do that nobody else will really be able to help.

    So, again, it's alright. I understand that you'd walk away, because let's be honest, she has some issues she needs to confront within her own mind before she can take on the extra strain of being in a relationship. By being patient and trying to help you've already done so much more than others, but you can't keep doing that forever, for your own health. Don't worry about it.
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    Honestly i think you should break up with her yourself, she's not being kind to you and you deserve better. It seems like you're a nice sensitive person so don't let her make you feel bad
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    (Original post by umar39)
    What??? I'm not sure you understand what OP is trying to say at all!
    That post is directed to the OP. I was trying to say that he deserves better. Someone that actually treats him well.
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    You did the reasonable, mature thing and explained how you felt. Brutally even if tears are shed because of that, it's the right thing to do.
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    I can relate to you a lot on this. Same thing happened with my ex but she instead wanted a break because of her family problems. I was aware of her family problem but the way she acted towards me and how she was disrespecting me, it hurt me. And I didn't find it justifiable. I also told her about it but she'd always try to justify that im in the wrong. In the end, I just accepted the fact the she lost feelings towards me. I broke up with her quite harshly and I shouldn't have done that. I'm still not over her today. You did the right thing. You did this for your self as you knew that this relationship wasn't going anywhere and from my opinion she seemed to string you along. You'll feel like your bad person because you didn't want to leave her? I also feel like a bad person because of the fact I left her. In the end you have to be honest with your self and know your boundaries and what you feel is right. Hope you get better OP, it'll take time mate.

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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    i was seeing a girl for about 3 or 4 months, all of a sudden she wants a "break" due to her anxiety.

    So I was patient and understanding and we still talked over the past 2 months but she didnt want to meet. Recently I had begun to feel like things were never going to get any better and she did things which made me confused and a bit hurt. This was stuff like not replying to my text asking about meeting up and saying she wanted to see me (drunk) and then the next day saying she couldn't.

    So i decided to talk to her about it and called her. We chatted a bit and i brought up that recently she's been making me feel quite hurt and unwanted with some of the things she's been doing (i wasnt angry or upset or anything). So then she cries and hangs up. I try to call back and her friend answers and says she doesnt want to speak to me (i thought this was very juvenile)

    After this i texted her a few times and she said she couldnt stay on the phone while someone told her how bad she makes them feel. I decided the floodgates were open so i just told her everything- i felt she was "phasing me out, that i felt that 3/4 months deserves a proper breakup (she disagreed). She said she cares about me and said something about being friends but i told her that we couldn't really be friends and it's not like we would spend any time together.

    Anyway, i'm just looking for some reassurance? Am i the bad guy? I can't help but feel guilty but at the same time i need to be able to talk about my feelings? Even if she has issues with anxiety that doesn't mean she can behave however she wants. I especially felt upset that her friend answered the phone, to me this is like the behaviour of a teenager.

    I did think about texting her an apology, but i don't know if should.
    You're fine.


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    (Original post by J-ved)
    I can relate to you a lot on this. Same thing happened with my ex but she instead wanted a break because of her family problems. I was aware of her family problem but the way she acted towards me and how she was disrespecting me, it hurt me. And I didn't find it justifiable. I also told her about it but she'd always try to justify that im in the wrong. In the end, I just accepted the fact the she lost feelings towards me. I broke up with her quite harshly and I shouldn't have done that. I'm still not over her today. You did the right thing. You did this for your self as you knew that this relationship wasn't going anywhere and from my opinion she seemed to string you along. You'll feel like your bad person because you didn't want to leave her? I also feel like a bad person because of the fact I left her. In the end you have to be honest with your self and know your boundaries and what you feel is right. Hope you get better OP, it'll take time mate.

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    Thanks. It's not just that i feel bad because i didn't want to end things with her, it's also because i feel a bit guilty about making her upset. It's difficult for me because she was really the first girl i liked enough to spend more than a month seeing and we were really into each other (until her anxiety began to get in the way).
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    (Original post by VladThe1mpaler)
    Thanks. It's not just that i feel bad because i didn't want to end things with her, it's also because i feel a bit guilty about making her upset. It's difficult for me because she was really the first girl i liked enough to spend more than a month seeing and we were really into each other (until her anxiety began to get in the way).
    I see. I also felt bad for making her upset. And it still gets to me today. I also spent a lot of time with her whenever I had the chance because she wanted to in which was for 4 months. I still feel bad for it. But no, you shouldn't feel like a bad guy. And no worries man.
 
 
 
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