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    So... summary... i want to be vegetarian, i have been for the last two years, my family is in no way vegetarian but my mum (a single parent) has compromised and has provided various vegetarian dishes such as ditching beef mince and allowing us to have quorn. She has recently got really angry as i have been 'controlling her diet' and disrespectful of what she wants to eat when i have eaten every piece of meat she has put down in front of me, and she has claimed that she does like some vegetarian food. We have other differing views, such as she is a christian and i am not religious, she hates gay people and doesn't know i am secretly bisexual, however knows i support the community. Whenever she talks about these issues and i express my opinion she is always like "you can't have feelings, thoughts and opinions when you live under my roof, i wouldn't dare disagree with my parents when i was your age. If you want to be vegetarian, support the gay community and non religious, go and live somewhere else'. I see this as upsetting and unfair.... but is she being reasonable? She says to get along i must be nice and not disagree with her, have the final word or be disrispectful.
    Jade
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    (Original post by ProbablyJade)
    So... summary... i want to be vegetarian, i have been for the last two years, my family is in no way vegetarian but my mum (a single parent) has compromised and has provided various vegetarian dishes such as ditching beef mince and allowing us to have quorn. She has recently got really angry as i have been 'controlling her diet' and disrespectful of what she wants to eat when i have eaten every piece of meat she has put down in front of me, and she has claimed that she does like some vegetarian food. We have other differing views, such as she is a christian and i am not religious, she hates gay people and doesn't know i am secretly bisexual, however knows i support the community. Whenever she talks about these issues and i express my opinion she is always like "you can't have feelings, thoughts and opinions when you live under my roof, i wouldn't dare disagree with my parents when i was your age. If you want to be vegetarian, support the gay community and non religious, go and live somewhere else'. I see this as upsetting and unfair.... but is she being reasonable? She says to get along i must be nice and not disagree with her, have the final word or be disrispectful.
    Jade
    Unfortunately you cant get some people to change their views, i would try your best to live with it and move out as soon as you can really, i m sorry that you have to put up with that from your mum.
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    Hey Jade,
    My Mum and I are completely different to each other, just like you are to your Mother and so I would say it's common rather than "normal."

    The reason why you and your Mother have different views is because you are two different people. My Mum is a Christian and I am the opposite, (although she doesn't know this and I don't ever want her to or she will freak out). We have completely different opinions on most things so I just avoid ever bringing things up that are controversial.

    Now you know your Mum is completely different from you in terms of views, you have to either ignore her or do your absolute best not to bring up anything where a conflict would arise. You and your Mum are going to disagree on things, and that's fine. You are two different people. Two different mindset. In fact, it's nice to know you haven't developed some of the toxic beliefs that your Mother have. It tells me good things about you.

    Good luck
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    (Original post by claireestelle)
    Unfortunately you cant get some people to change their views, i would try your best to live with it and move out as soon as you can really, i m sorry that you have to put up with that from your mum.
    (Original post by loveleest)
    Hey Jade,
    My Mum and I are completely different to each other, just like you are to your Mother and so I would say it's common rather than "normal."

    The reason why you and your Mother have different views is because you are two different people. My Mum is a Christian and I am the opposite, (although she doesn't know this and I don't ever want her to or she will freak out). We have completely different opinions on most things so I just avoid ever bringing things up that are controversial.

    Now you know your Mum is completely different from you in terms of views, you have to either ignore her or do your absolute best not to bring up anything where a conflict would arise. You and your Mum are going to disagree on things, and that's fine. You are two different people. Two different mindset. In fact, it's nice to know you haven't developed some of the toxic beliefs that your Mother have. It tells me good things about you.

    Good luck
    Thank you, this is so comforting to hear. I just don't want to fight with her but at the same time i feel oppressed. I realise i can have it how i want when i move out, thank you for your support guys
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    (Original post by ProbablyJade)
    Thank you, this is so comforting to hear. I just don't want to fight with her but at the same time i feel oppressed. I realise i can have it how i want when i move out, thank you for your support guys
    Hopefully you wont have to wait too long to move out
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    I am so sorry that you have to put up with this, especially from someone as special as family.Right now, the only thing you can really do is just try to be respectful of her views (even if you disagree with them) but still stand by your own opinions.
    Long term? Try and save up to move out as soon as possible, maybe try to stay with friends more if it gets bad (my friends offered me that when they heard about what my dad's like).
    Overall, stay strong and try not to let it get you down
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    (Original post by ProbablyJade)
    my mum (a single parent) has compromised and has provided various vegetarian dishes such as ditching beef mince and allowing us to have quorn. She has recently got really angry as i have been 'controlling her diet' and disrespectful of what she wants to eat
    Honest opinions here. This sounds like utter rubbish. You're not controlling her diet at all. If she chooses to have Quorn that's her choice. There's also no reason you can't have Quorn and she has normal mince. She doesn't have to follow your diet in the slightest and it's perfectly reasonable to prepare vegetarian food for you and normal food for herself. She doesn't have to eat Quorn any more than you have to eat meat.

    The only difference is it's her choice. Unless you're actually buying the food, she's the one choosing to purchase vegetarian alternatives and change her diet. There's nothing unreasonable about her eating one thing and you eating another.

    (Original post by ProbablyJade)
    She says to get along i must be nice and not disagree with her, have the final word or be disrespectful.
    Be nice and respectful is fine. Disagree is not. It may not have been intended this way but not disagreeing makes it sound like she wants to take away your freedom of thought. The entire notion that to get along with someone you have to agree with them is ridiculous. Not to mention patronising when it comes from a parent. Only thing is we don't know your age. If you're an adult you should be treated like one. Apart from being parent and child, if you're both adults then you're on equal footing. She might provide for you but it's unreasonable to tell another adult they have to "not disagree".

    If you're still a child then it's a case of poor parenting. I really dislike the "because I said so" and "I'm right because I'm the parent" arguments. They encourage a sheep mentality. They suggest you shouldn't challenge people in higher authority than you. It's really bad to treat children this way. And it's even worse if you continue to do it when your kids are adults.

    Do I think it's normal? Yeah to an extent. I've seen a lot of this sort of stuff happen before. Do I think it's reasonable or right? Hell no. You have as much right to be respected as she does.
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    (Original post by Acsel)
    Do I think it's normal? Yeah to an extent. I've seen a lot of this sort of stuff happen before. Do I think it's reasonable or right? Hell no. You have as much right to be respected as she does.
    That's normal?! I suddenly feel completely differently to my parents then. If my parents tried to pull that BS, I would've left home ASAP and have nothing more to do with them.
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    I have quite strong feelings for verbal abuse of parents such as this, and it always pains me to hear about parents that blatantly bully their children, and treat them as being below them.

    She has recently got really angry as i have been 'controlling her diet'
    Tell her that you being vegetarian does not restrict her diet in any way, and that she is free to eat meat whenever she wishes, just that you don't wish to do the same. As the above user said, she has chosen to accomodate your vegetarian lifestyle, after all, she didn't have to (she could've said you could prepare your own food), so essentially she has been "restricting" her lifestyle herself.

    you can't have feelings, thoughts and opinions when you live under myroof, i wouldn't dare disagree with my parents when i was your age
    She's sounding akin to a dictator, and is certainly acting like one. You have every right to hold your own opinions, although she has the right to disagree with them. She has gone further than this by questioning your right to hold those beliefs, which is absolutely wrong. She is trying to supress you, potentially as it makes her feel insecure about her own beliefs, which is a just feeling, but she has followed this with an unjust statement.

    I see this as upsetting and unfair.... but is she being reasonable?
    No, no-one can argue that she is being reasonable in her actions. You have every right to feel that way, and the fact you've came out saying this, indicates a strong character. Too many people suffer in silence when faced in situations like this. Recognise that her acts and attitude are absolutely disgusting and detestable.

    She says to get along i must be nice and not disagree with her, have the final word or be disrispectful
    How childish of her, especially with "having the final word". No-one can tell someone not to disagree with them. You have as much right to disagree with her, as she does to disagree with you, and I think she knows that, but she's hoping that you won't recognise that. It is clear your beliefs anger or unsettle her, so she is venting that onto you. Her insisting on the final word is another indication that she is insecure about the fact that you can speak out against you, as you're getting older. The other two terms, "nice" and not to be disrespectful, are more than acceptable, but I would be inclined to argue that it is ironic that she utter such words, considering how you described her.

    I'm sorry, but I find this sort of behaviour extremely upsetting that anyone could treat their daughter like this. Stay strong, and as a previous user mentioned, seek help from friends. If things really get bad, ie. physical, then intervention by CPS [child protective services] might be justified.

    Is this normal? No, being utterly blunt. It is not normal for a parent to be as disrespectful as this.
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    (Original post by miless090)
    That's normal?! I suddenly feel completely differently to my parents then. If my parents tried to pull that BS, I would've left home ASAP and have nothing more to do with them.
    Your situation is probably perfectly normal as well. Normal is just an extension of something that is the norm. I've seen this sort of parenting often enough for it to be common and therefore normal. Equally I've seen proper parenting (the sort you probably get, free choice, allowed to think things for yourself even if you disagree with your parents, etc) for that to also be normal. Neither method is uncommon.

    Normal doesn't necessarily mean that we agree with it. Just that it's the norm. And there's loads of parents out there. Therefore there's more than one common way of parenting. We might not agree with all (or any) of them but they're mostly common enough to be considered normal ways of parenting.
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    (Original post by Acsel)
    Honest opinions here. This sounds like utter rubbish. You're not controlling her diet at all. If she chooses to have Quorn that's her choice. There's also no reason you can't have Quorn and she has normal mince. She doesn't have to follow your diet in the slightest and it's perfectly reasonable to prepare vegetarian food for you and normal food for herself. She doesn't have to eat Quorn any more than you have to eat meat.

    The only difference is it's her choice. Unless you're actually buying the food, she's the one choosing to purchase vegetarian alternatives and change her diet. There's nothing unreasonable about her eating one thing and you eating another.



    Be nice and respectful is fine. Disagree is not. It may not have been intended this way but not disagreeing makes it sound like she wants to take away your freedom of thought. The entire notion that to get along with someone you have to agree with them is ridiculous. Not to mention patronising when it comes from a parent. Only thing is we don't know your age. If you're an adult you should be treated like one. Apart from being parent and child, if you're both adults then you're on equal footing. She might provide for you but it's unreasonable to tell another adult they have to "not disagree".

    If you're still a child then it's a case of poor parenting. I really dislike the "because I said so" and "I'm right because I'm the parent" arguments. They encourage a sheep mentality. They suggest you shouldn't challenge people in higher authority than you. It's really bad to treat children this way. And it's even worse if you continue to do it when your kids are adults.

    Do I think it's normal? Yeah to an extent. I've seen a lot of this sort of stuff happen before. Do I think it's reasonable or right? Hell no. You have as much right to be respected as she does.
    She says she doesn't want the hassle of cooking for two meals, which is fine, i understand, but i think its okay to compromise... i don't mind eating meat (which i do... i hate) as long as we can have some veggie meals.

    I'm 16, so i understand, yes i am still a child, but i hate the fact she says that she is the adult and therefore knows best. I would say without my dad and the experiences i have had growing up i am very mature for my age, and she has said that numerous times however i am apparently not 'emotionally mature enough' to date until i leave home.
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    (Original post by _gcx)
    I have quite strong feelings for verbal abuse of parents such as this, and it always pains me to hear about parents that blatantly bully their children, and treat them as being below them.



    Tell her that you being vegetarian does not restrict her diet in any way, and that she is free to eat meat whenever she wishes, just that you don't wish to do the same. As the above user said, she has chosen to accomodate your vegetarian lifestyle, after all, she didn't have to (she could've said you could prepare your own food), so essentially she has been "restricting" her lifestyle herself.



    She's sounding akin to a dictator, and is certainly acting like one. You have every right to hold your own opinions, although she has the right to disagree with them. She has gone further than this by questioning your right to hold those beliefs, which is absolutely wrong. She is trying to supress you, potentially as it makes her feel insecure about her own beliefs, which is a just feeling, but she has followed this with an unjust statement.



    No, no-one can argue that she is being reasonable in her actions. You have every right to feel that way, and the fact you've came out saying this, indicates a strong character. Too many people suffer in silence when faced in situations like this. Recognise that her acts and attitude are absolutely disgusting and detestable.



    How childish of her, especially with "having the final word". No-one can tell someone not to disagree with them. You have as much right to disagree with her, as she does to disagree with you, and I think she knows that, but she's hoping that you won't recognise that. It is clear your beliefs anger or unsettle her, so she is venting that onto you. Her insisting on the final word is another indication that she is insecure about the fact that you can speak out against you, as you're getting older. The other two terms, "nice" and not to be disrespectful, are more than acceptable, but I would be inclined to argue that it is ironic that she utter such words, considering how you described her.

    I'm sorry, but I find this sort of behaviour extremely upsetting that anyone could treat their daughter like this. Stay strong, and as a previous user mentioned, seek help from friends. If things really get bad, ie. physical, then intervention by CPS [child protective services] might be justified.

    Is this normal? No, being utterly blunt. It is not normal for a parent to be as disrespectful as this.
    'Having the final word' is a big thing with her. She will walk out halfway through a conversation and i am the sort of person who hates to leave an argument hanging so i will follow her and continue talking, to which she is then saying is disrespectful because i am being egotistical having the last word when as an adult she should have it.

    I should describe my relationship with her a bit more, my mum was pressured into having me by my dad and as her first child she didn't get along with me as a child, i was left to my dad and she looked after my baby sister which she had two years later. Anyways my dad was kinda an alcoholic, and again, we had differing opinions as i grew up, it was the lack of youth and naivety that left him unable to mold me and shape my opinions that eventually lead to us not getting along. Because of this i became closer to my mum for the first time ever and after a 4 yr divorce we moved out into a different house and 80 % of the time we all get along great, i couldn't ask for anything better, the the other 20 % is crazy, my mum just has these moments where she gets angry and i seem to be the pinpoint of it. She brings up things i have done when iwas five or six and uses them against me, she uses my sister as back up because they are so close and it becomes two against one. My sister and i have a good relationship although she has mentioned numerous times that she doesn't feel we can be really close because when we were little (i'm talking 5 and 3 here) i used to steal her toys and she can't get over that. I hope this provides more insight.

    I completely understand being nice and respectful, the problem i encounter is when she tells me i can't talk about the LGBT community, being vegetarian etc, i tend to shut down and talk less because i am not sure what is right or wrong to say.... then she gets mad at me and uses the phrase 'i have lost my daughter'
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    as far as the meat thing goes - you could get around that by buying and cooking your own stuff, get a part time job to pay for it, you could even cook meals for your parents sometimes to show willing

    as far as the personal opinions, ideally your parents would respect your views but if they don't there isn't much you can do but keep quiet and avoid arguments, it's only 2 years til you can move out and go to uni
 
 
 
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