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Dont want my boyfriend to visit
I'm in a difficult situation. I met my bf at uni and have been with him nearly 3 months. As we're now apart for the summer hols, we have to arrange to meet up every now and then. So far I've stayed at his house once.
He keeps asking when he can come and visit me but I really dont want him to. I have a bad family life and its so different to what his family is like. His parents seem happily-married while mine have blazing rows and have broken up so many times I've lost count. There has been a lot of upset and violence over the years and I dont want my boyfriend to know about this.
I also havent told him that my younger brother is mentally disabled, and I worry about how he'll react (some of my 'friends' have made judgments on him in the past). He does act socially odd/inappropriate, but I love and accept him despite that and it makes me really angry and defensive when other people call him "weird" etc. If my boyfriend makes any nasty comments, I'll just completely go off him and I dont want it to be like that.
Also, my mum is very anti social. She's had bad depression in the past and is very cautious of new people, which is also why I dont think its the right time to introduce my bf to her. She wont even let him stay round because she thinks its inappropriate and doesnt want me to have sex before marriage as she thinks I'll get hurt. (I have slept with my boyfriend, but she doesnt know).
I come across as a confident person with no worries at uni - I guess I put on a bit of an act - and I'll feel vulnerable if someone sees through that. Its like I've created my own separate life away from the life I have at home and I don't want anyone knowing about my background. It seems so stupid but it worries me.
His parents also seem much more well-off than mine. They have a huge house in a rich area, whereas I live in a tiny terraced house in a rough area. I know that these are just materialistic worries, but I dont want him to judge me. I've started to really like him and it'd upset me so much if he dumped me over my background/family/financial status. I know that hes not worth it if he does, but it'd still hurt.
What can I do? I keep making excuses to my boyfriend but hes going to start wondering why I dont want him coming near my house/family. Its making me feel miserable and I'm getting tired of lying. I dont want to tell him the truth why I dont want him to visit either. Please help (sorry its so long)
He keeps asking when he can come and visit me but I really dont want him to. I have a bad family life and its so different to what his family is like. His parents seem happily-married while mine have blazing rows and have broken up so many times I've lost count. There has been a lot of upset and violence over the years and I dont want my boyfriend to know about this.
I also havent told him that my younger brother is mentally disabled, and I worry about how he'll react (some of my 'friends' have made judgments on him in the past). He does act socially odd/inappropriate, but I love and accept him despite that and it makes me really angry and defensive when other people call him "weird" etc. If my boyfriend makes any nasty comments, I'll just completely go off him and I dont want it to be like that.
Also, my mum is very anti social. She's had bad depression in the past and is very cautious of new people, which is also why I dont think its the right time to introduce my bf to her. She wont even let him stay round because she thinks its inappropriate and doesnt want me to have sex before marriage as she thinks I'll get hurt. (I have slept with my boyfriend, but she doesnt know).
I come across as a confident person with no worries at uni - I guess I put on a bit of an act - and I'll feel vulnerable if someone sees through that. Its like I've created my own separate life away from the life I have at home and I don't want anyone knowing about my background. It seems so stupid but it worries me.
His parents also seem much more well-off than mine. They have a huge house in a rich area, whereas I live in a tiny terraced house in a rough area. I know that these are just materialistic worries, but I dont want him to judge me. I've started to really like him and it'd upset me so much if he dumped me over my background/family/financial status. I know that hes not worth it if he does, but it'd still hurt.
What can I do? I keep making excuses to my boyfriend but hes going to start wondering why I dont want him coming near my house/family. Its making me feel miserable and I'm getting tired of lying. I dont want to tell him the truth why I dont want him to visit either. Please help (sorry its so long)
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If he cares about you, he'll understand.
If he judges you based on your family I'd question whther he was worth keeping.
I would talk to him about your family situation first though, so that it doesn't come as a shock to him. If you still feel geniuniely uncomfortable then tell him so. I mean given that he's in the dark about this, he could be thinking all sorts of things (e.g. there's something wrong with him, and so you don't want to introduce him to your family) so its also a little unfair on him.
If he judges you based on your family I'd question whther he was worth keeping.
I would talk to him about your family situation first though, so that it doesn't come as a shock to him. If you still feel geniuniely uncomfortable then tell him so. I mean given that he's in the dark about this, he could be thinking all sorts of things (e.g. there's something wrong with him, and so you don't want to introduce him to your family) so its also a little unfair on him.
Be honest and tell him what the situation is.
Tell him you really want to see him but are worried about him judging your family for the reasons you've stated - explain everything to him and if he really cares it won't make any difference.. he shouldn't judge you by your family anyway and should be happy to just be with you, spending time with you etc.
Be honest with your boyfriend, of course it will be hard to tell him all of this but if he cares about you, as it seems he does, then it will just make your relationship closer. If he cares about you, he won't care about your family life. Everybody is embarrassed about certain things to do with themselves or their family - at least I am, although I understand your situation is difficult.
Either tell him what you've said here, or go to his house again instead, if that's feasible.
Both would be best though.
Both would be best though.
I've tried bringing it up but he doesn't seem to get it and everything goes a bit quiet and awkward. I dont think hes good at dealing with serious subjects. I feel like I bring the mood right down. I'll have to explain it to him sooner or later though
Seeing as it's such a serious conversation that needs to be had, I'd say it's quite appropriate that you bring the mood right down. Just be straight and tell him that you need to have a serious conversation and if he's decent he shouldn't have any problems understanding. I know I would understand.
Good luck!
Good luck!
Sounds like you have a great relationship, just keep the lies coming. If someday you decided to get married you can hire a bunch of actors to play your parents, maybe rent a nice car and a nice house for the weekend. You can photoshop Christmas cards during the holidays, it might actually be fun!
Don't ask for help and then neg rep people silly girl
Don't ask for help and then neg rep people silly girl
Hey, just tell him the truth. Maybe his house isn't all that it seems, you never know. That could be an act too.
Sometimes a family may seem happy but there is violence and arguments behind closed doors. He should respect you for making something of your life despite this.
Just tell him. Please.
Sometimes a family may seem happy but there is violence and arguments behind closed doors. He should respect you for making something of your life despite this.Just tell him. Please.
Anonymous
I've tried bringing it up but he doesn't seem to get it and everything goes a bit quiet and awkward. I dont think hes good at dealing with serious subjects. I feel like I bring the mood right down. I'll have to explain it to him sooner or later though
Are you telling him straight out the problem or are you only giving him little pieces of information or just tiny hints because that won't work as men are too stupid to understand little hints (why do you think we can never tell that you like us, you have to tell us straight and not something like "I really like your hair").
So tell him everything with no little hints to sofen the blow.
Kondar
Sounds like you have a great relationship, just keep the lies coming. If someday you decided to get married you can hire a bunch of actors to play your parents, maybe rent a nice car and a nice house for the weekend. You can photoshop Christmas cards during the holidays, it might actually be fun!
Don't ask for help and then neg rep people silly girl
Don't ask for help and then neg rep people silly girl
Ok I get the message thanks. Point made.
And I didnt neg rep you so don't accuse me of that. Why would I neg rep someone giving me advice?
I echo some of the fears of the OP, but my advice would be to explain it to him, surely he knows that not everyone can have a rosy home life and live in a mansion in the country????
Everybody's different and if he's not acceptant, ditch him because he's not worth it...
Everybody's different and if he's not acceptant, ditch him because he's not worth it...
it seems to be the realationship is the early stages and you dont want to expose yourself too much yet- that is OK! it is best to test the waters
just tell him things are a bit hectic/difficult at home, and you rather he didnt visit just yet.
when the realationship progresses then start opening up to him.
good luck.
just tell him things are a bit hectic/difficult at home, and you rather he didnt visit just yet.
when the realationship progresses then start opening up to him.
good luck.
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