No seriously this year ive been soooo depressed having anxiety attacks thinking im going to die having palpatations loosing friends not going to college falling out with my mum feeling suicdal hating the world using strangers for sex to ern money and to escape being drunk every single day steeling from my stepfathers wallets im just acting like somone i dont recognise.
I nearly stabbed our old lodger ive nearly stabbed myself ive emailed the samaritens soooo many times i got arrested last night but not charged or even removed from my house because my mum said dont take her away but thats why im writing this post because last night i acted sooo badly i was out of order and i usually only act bad when my mum trys to control me.
Let me explain i went to a friends house to a party i had an awsome time but i have a curfew of 11.30 fair enough i live at home but if i dont want to stick to a curfew i have to find somewhere else to stay and take the flack off my mother. So i said mum im on my way home and i was about to leave but the taxi drove off so i rang my mum back to sort things out and she went crazy so i said fine im staying out at my friends she then rang my friends house phone threatening to send the police to get me so it was about 12.30 so i said fine ill come home if u let me in. But i got so drunk i went in the taxi with a guy i just met and i decided id go to his place and slept with him finally i arrived home at 2.30 at this point my mother wouldnt let me in so i rang the samaritens weel then she went crazy cos i was on the phone and she threw me out the back door and loked me out with my duvet and pillows so the samariten guy heard her threatening me and he said i should call the police but i didnt so because i was sooo drunk and so angry i smashed a window and went and got a knife wanting to kill myself and then i started slashing furniture and the walls and the doors and i smashed an egg on the house phone so my mum called the police who came out in full force and they removed me and put me in our spare apartment next door.
But i just dont want to be like this iv been for a mental health assessment and they said theres nothing wrong with me and i was honest i told them everything. im such an alcoholic i drink gin like water ive done all the alcohol councelling but never sorted myself out properly. i have nowhere where i can go and stay when im in London i have to physically stop myself from jumping in front of a tube train.
my father has cyclothymia and im concerned i have that too which scares mme because i dont want to be on drugs. im usually a loving kind gental person but its only my mum who sees me go mental.
this isnt the first time ive been having outbursts for years but this year iv felt abandoned and alone worthless like nobody wants me and nobody would care if i died.
then i met a guy a gorgeous guy who i fell deeply and passionatly in love with id sneek him in for a goodnight kiss at 1 am and crazy things like that i want to marry him but i cant tell him of my past it just wouldnt work he wouldnt properly understand he come from a strict muslim background and hes french arabic he struggles with his english quite alot but when we first got together everything was amazing so special then last tuesday he came round to mine and things went one step further ie he and i got a bit horny but didnt go all the way but because he did something to me and i enjoyed myself and then i refused to give him head (at least i think this is what pissed him off) he left a couple of hours later and ive not heard from him since this is my second issue iv got low even lower since hes ignored me which has caused more arguments between my mother and i
so what do i do how do i get more help for my depression and what do i do about my bf or ex bf depending on whether we are still together.
ps its taken me ages to type all this xxxx please give some advice xxxx
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seriously i need some help !!!!!!!! watch
- Thread Starter
- 15-07-2007 20:44
- 16-07-2007 11:22
Well from reading that, it seems that it is your mother who is the biggest problem. Is there any way that you can get away from her?