The Student Room Group

Am I just TOO relaxed in relationships?

I've just had a semi break up (we weren't really a proper couple but now we definitely won't be) and basically the boy said he felt like I didn't care as much about him as he did about me, which I don't think is true. But thinking about it, I do tend to be very relaxed about relationships and I'm wondering whether that's a bad thing, or a sign that I'm not very interested. I don't necessarily not want a serious relationship, but I'm not very possessive at all and I tend to think a lot of girls get upset about stupid things. Like, when my friends are ranting about how their boyfriend has cancelled a date or something, I nearly always think they're overreacting. I don't worry about my boyfriends being friends with other girls and I trust them not to cheat on me, even though I've been cheated on before. I also maybe don't spend as much time with my boyfriends as a lot of my friends do. I definitely speak to them every day for an hour or so and see them three or four times a week, but I always spend a lot of time with my friends as well. I've seen a lot of people lose their friends by spending too much time with their boyfriends and don't want that to happen to me. Also, even if I'm really infatuated with someone I like my own company as well and I can't stand being with people 24/7.

Is there something wrong with being like this? Am I only ever going to have casual relationships if I act like this? Because that's not what I want. I got out of a serious relationship a few months ago and I'm okay with being single for a while but what this guy has said has really got to me and makes me wonder if the problem's with me. Most guys tend to like that I'm not in their pockets at the beginning of the relationship but do you all expect more after a while? Because I don't think I'm ever going to be really needy or possessive - that's just not how I am, but I don't want it to come across as if I'm not interested.
Well to be fair, being relaxed about the whole thing is a good way to go about a relationship, especially early on. The whole idea for it is to be fun and enjoyable. Obviously plenty of trust, communication and honesty is involved as well.

Worst thing you can be is possessive and clingy. Everyone needs their own space, and a social life outside of a relationship. You can't let your partner tell you how to live your own life.
There's nothing wrong with being like that. It's certainly not the norm, as far as I know, but I'm sure there'll be people who share your views exactly.
Reply 3
You don't sound clingy, its a good thing.

But it depends on the other person, if they want a degree of intensity and dont accept any less - causing problems.

You sound like you spend quite a lot of time with them anyway, certainly more than my 'casual relationships' in the past which worked for a short amount of time.
Good lord, no, there's nothing wrong with being relaxed in a relationship! All I ever hear from guy friends is "why can't she calm down?" - the only problem is that maybe younger guys (as older women tend to be slightly calmer about things) come to expect all the stress and panic, and so freak out slightly when they don't get it. Needy and possessive really are seen as negative characteristics - don't give up hope. Half the guys I know would gladly date someone like you :smile:
Reply 5
No, that sounds pretty much like me. I wouldn't worry about it. I don't.
Okay, thanks. I never thought about it before, but now I'm just a bit worried that guys need someone to need them and I'm giving off the impression that I'm just not interested.
Reply 7
im exactly the same, im not some bunny boiler thats going to freak out if i havent heard from the boyf by midday and then again by t time or who happens to have good looking girl-friends (not that i wont notice im just not going to freak out about it unless im given cause to!) and i think what PP said is v true, the guys seem to expect the drama and then when its not there get a little feaked out by it all and wonder whats going on. Id say it just depends on the type of guy you date and the older ones seem to appreciate the freedom more and it comes back to you in all manner of good ways :wink:
however i have yet to find one who doesnt want the drama either

xx
Reply 8
I actually think you have a really great attitude.
Reply 9
I think thats a good way to behave in a relationship, being over protective etc is just stupid imo.


However although people say they'd like their gf to be like u, in reality i think they'd react differently.


I think i'm relaxed in relationships, not majorly though.
And me and my bf are constantly arguing over the fact that i act like i'm single etc :s-smilie:


xxxxxxxx
no - you are perfect just as you are. Maybe cos I'm exactly the same but hey ho. I've not got time for girls who are all stressy stressy over guys. Prissing around about stuff that - to be frank - really doesn't matter that much.
Reply 11
hang_your_heart

Is there something wrong with being like this? Am I only ever going to have casual relationships if I act like this? Because that's not what I want. I got out of a serious relationship a few months ago and I'm okay with being single for a while but what this guy has said has really got to me and makes me wonder if the problem's with me. Most guys tend to like that I'm not in their pockets at the beginning of the relationship but do you all expect more after a while? Because I don't think I'm ever going to be really needy or possessive - that's just not how I am, but I don't want it to come across as if I'm not interested.


Haha, you sound a *lot* like me. I think it can sometimes be a problem during the transition from casual dating to proper relationship, and then again when its becoming a serious relationship. I've certainly had a lot of frustrated outbursts randomly from guys I've been seeing asking whether there's any point etc. because they don't think I'm as interested as they are, but it's fine once they get to know that that's just the way I am. A lot of guys expect girls to be fawning all over them (ok, I'm exaggerating and generalising :p:) so it just takes a little bit of getting used to. And tbh, they're idiots for not wanting to avoid the unnecessary drama.

I think after a while, and with the right person, you'll be a little less laid back.
hang_your_heart
I've just had a semi break up (we weren't really a proper couple but now we definitely won't be) and basically the boy said he felt like I didn't care as much about him as he did about me, which I don't think is true. But thinking about it, I do tend to be very relaxed about relationships and I'm wondering whether that's a bad thing, or a sign that I'm not very interested. I don't necessarily not want a serious relationship, but I'm not very possessive at all and I tend to think a lot of girls get upset about stupid things. Like, when my friends are ranting about how their boyfriend has cancelled a date or something, I nearly always think they're overreacting. I don't worry about my boyfriends being friends with other girls and I trust them not to cheat on me, even though I've been cheated on before. I also maybe don't spend as much time with my boyfriends as a lot of my friends do. I definitely speak to them every day for an hour or so and see them three or four times a week, but I always spend a lot of time with my friends as well. I've seen a lot of people lose their friends by spending too much time with their boyfriends and don't want that to happen to me. Also, even if I'm really infatuated with someone I like my own company as well and I can't stand being with people 24/7.

Is there something wrong with being like this? Am I only ever going to have casual relationships if I act like this? Because that's not what I want. I got out of a serious relationship a few months ago and I'm okay with being single for a while but what this guy has said has really got to me and makes me wonder if the problem's with me. Most guys tend to like that I'm not in their pockets at the beginning of the relationship but do you all expect more after a while? Because I don't think I'm ever going to be really needy or possessive - that's just not how I am, but I don't want it to come across as if I'm not interested.



what do you mean, when you say you were relaxed with him? Didn't you make an effort? which I'm sure u did cos you saw each other quite alot!
Reply 13
Guys like to feel loved and feel like they've got some form of 'power'.

If you're completely relaxed about a relationship, it brings doubts as to whether you love them and undermines their ‘authority’ (for lack of a better word).

Personally I think this is quite silly, but that's often the way it is.