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I can't bring myself to cut anymore... no trolling please

As the title says, I cannot bring myself to cut anymore. That is, cut myself. I have been a self-harmer for years and it has always been my outlet for pain and frustration. But lately, it has become this scary and deplorable act. I prepare to do it but then I drop out at the last second.

I have no outlet left. I am feeling so damn near-suicidal... it's a cliche but I feel so alone.

Doctors prescribe everything they can think of but meds act only as a pacifier. They do nothing to help with the real issue. The university's counsellor said that she couldn't help me. She'd been trained to deal with "students' problems." I live in a rural area where counsellors and hypnotherapists and every other 'hocus-pocus hippie' are the norm and there's no psychologist or psychiatrist anywhere in the town.

It really does seem that the only way I can show people that I'm in crisis sometimes is to have it manifest itself in or on my body... be it through poisoning or cutting.

I'm not interested in what the trolls think. Just serious advice please.

Reply 1

yellow96

Coluld you have yourself admitted to hospital? Get yourself sectioned or something. I don't know how the system works, but if you're suicidal with no outlets left, you need immediate help. There may be therapies that you haven't tried yet, which can't be prescribed. Failing that, is there anything in your life you could change? Are you unhappy in university? Do you think you could recover somewhat with a year out? There are still a lot of options available to you, you just have to demand them.

Reply 2

generalebriety

Why are you depressed? Are there reasons behind it or is it a purely medical thing?

I agree with Thelfo, you sound like you're in a very unstable condition and you do need immediate help just to make sure you don't kill yourself or something. Alternatively, **** the fact that they're far away, go and see a real psychiatrist. (Edit: though, that said, wouldn't your local hospital have a psychiatrist?)

Reply 3

Isis07

I agree - get yourself into your Dr's and demand help.

In the short term have you tried ice? It apparently helps some ppl to clench ice when they have the urge to cut - I think it's something to do with introducing a level of discomfort/pain for long enough to get past the urge to cut.

Reply 4

sauce

Phone the doctor, or even ambulance, say it's an emergency because you really need some help right now. Please do it, or if you don't want medical people involved phone a friend to come over or ANYTHING.

Reply 5

figureeight

Isis07

I second everything said above in this thread.

Just to add to Isis' post, for the time being (that is, before you see someone about this) you could try:

1) Clenching ice or
2) Pinging a rubber band

Hope it all sorts out for you! :smile:

Reply 6

WorkHouse

I've self harmed as an outlet for frustrations, usually after arguments with my mum (that sounds pathetic i'm sure but the arguments are quite bad) and family troubles when I've had no other way of releasing the pressure. Sometimes I can control the urge and other times i'm not so successful.

I find that sometimes physical exercise helps release the tension, press-ups, push-ups. other times I end up running off and smoking until I calm down. It seems to me that I just need something else to release the frustration. When I cut myself the pain gives me something to focus on while the frustration quells and then I can think logically again.

I'm sorry if this makes no sense, it does to me. If you want me to clarify - just ask questions or something.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

Hi everyone; that you for your help and advice.

I've decided that I will see a doctor tomorrow and try to make it as clear as possible that this isn't teenage angst (well, actually, that would figure... I haven't been a teenager for quite some time). But, although I said I couldn't bring myself to cut anymore, just saying it made me determined to do it. Does this make sense? I'm sorry, it's released frustration so efficiently and quickly and I just don't even wamt to go down the route of this, that and the other to try and make myself 'feel better'. I just couldn't give a toss that I'm making it worse for myself at the moment because it's precisely what I need. It's as though I'm trying to hit rock bottom before I can see that what I'm doing is ****ing pointless. Having said that, this is the lowest I've been since I had post-natal depression three years ago.

Thelfo:somewhat impetuously, I have emailed my personal tutor to tell him that I cannot finish this year and that I need some time out. I wanted to take the time off anyway.

generalebriety: I could always ask my GP. Other than that, there aren't actually any local hospitals. It really is quite rural.

As for suggestions to use ice and rubber bands, thank you. I appreciate it. I don't think I will go there, however.

I think I will be okay.

I just need to hit rock bottom or experience a miracle.

Reply 8

Anonymous

Sorry, I meant to say thank you rather than "that you" in the first line of my last post.

EDIT: ****, I forgot to make it anonymous.

Well there you go. You know who I am now.

Reply 9

generalebriety

I reported it asking for you to be re-anon-ed. :smile:

No idea how long it'll take someone to get round to it though.

What's the public transport like? Surely you could find some way of getting to a hospital? It does sound very serious... I suffer from depression myself, and while it's not as bad as yours, I know it's very easy to snap and do something stupid in such an unstable state.

Reply 10

fleur de lis

I've reanoned it :smile:

Reply 11

generalebriety

Thanks fleur. :smile:

So, OP: what's the transport like? Is it feasible for you to go and seek help out of town?

Reply 12

Rennie

I agree that you should go and see if you can find a hospital.

They usually are not too far away. Is there no way you can find transport to take you there? If not then I find that pretty terrible that someone in need such as yourself cannot get the help that they need due to their location.

Taking some time off uni could be a good or a bad thing. Uni gives you something to think about but it's also going to be hard for you to study with all of this going on. I think it's probably a good thing to give it a rest in your case.

If you're not attending uni could you then travel to get to the hospital or would that still be difficult?

Reply 13

Anonymous

The nearest hospital is 13 miles away, but they don't have an A & E and I don't think they can specialise in mental health. The nearest 'big' hospital is 30 miles away. I could travel there, although it's not feasible that I go before next week as I have my son to take of and his dad's going away soon for the for a few days. I have had a look at the NHS Cymru site and there's a Mental Health Service in my country bt, for some reason, the page did not give any contact details. Perhaps I need to talk to my GP about it.

Anyway, I know this is sad but I did SH, and I've calmed down alot as a result. But I simply cannot keep doing this. It's been too long.

I've also just realised that I've tested the patience of my fiancee with my "moods" and "solitude". I was peed off actually, that he made it about how he feels about it all and he hasn't asked me once this past week how I'm doing. But that's relationship stuff which is far more complex and long-winded.

Thank you generalebriety for requesting anonymity. I appreciate it.

All in all, I'm still 'off', but I'm not going to take an OD or anything. The peak of depression has subsided. I will wait until tomorrow.

I suppose from here on I could really do with some advice how how to talk to the doctor. They're not very good at listening sometimes.

xxx

Reply 14

Anonymous #1

fleur de lis

I've reanoned it :smile:

Thanks

Reply 15

Rennie

Anonymous

I have had a look at the NHS Cymru site and there's a Mental Health Service in my country bt, for some reason, the page did not give any contact details. Perhaps I need to talk to my GP about it.

I would suggest you do talk to them, yes.

When you do so just tell them how you've been feeling. Basically tell them what you told us and then ask if there's someone you can talk to about it. I'm sure they'll be helpful. They're there to help.

Good luck.

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

Hi everyone

Thank you for your help and advice. I went to a doctor and explained these thoughts and symptoms and I have been fast-tracked to see a mental Health team in my area. This means that I will be treated in a way that's suitable - psychiatrists, psychotherapists... there all there, just in case one of them might be right for me.

I feel alot more positive now, knowing that something might get done and knowing that I won't get shoved off to some counsellor or another who isn't trained to deal with 'everything else'.

I really really appreciate the help. It made me look twice at my situation.