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Partner doing/saying awful things behind your back Watch

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    Summary: Girlfriend did/said some pretty awful things behind my back. Now have trust issues. Doomed to failure, or salvageable?

    ---

    With girlfriend of several months. In her early twenties. I'm a little older and her first partner. We met using a dating site.

    Up until about a month ago things we're going pretty well. We have very similar interests, experiences and are both pretty quiet people. She does/did have some intimacy issues (first relationship, fair enough really). Everyone has their faults, myself included. However we talked about them and things appeared to improve between us. Aside from the occasional squabble - usually resulting from poor communication from one or both of us - things after that seemed great.

    About a month ago she stated that she was worried I'd soon get bored of her, inferring I'd leave her for someone better. I asked her why she felt this way, but she couldn't or wouldn't say. I did my best to reassure her and told her how much she means to me.

    Shortly after I tried to put that we were in a relationship together on Facebook, to reassure her that I'm proud for people to know we're together. I also tagged her in a few photos of us together that we'd previously agreed were OK to go up on Facebook. She freaked out and got angry with me. I explained how confused and upset her reaction made me, but she blanked me for a day or so. When she did respond, the delay was supposedly due to poor mobile phone reception. I later learned this to be false.

    It might be important to note that she's a regular Facebook user and is frequently tagged by friends in other photos.

    We talked about the issue. She downplayed her initial reaction as a sort of joke, but then went on to say she's careful about what she posts to Facebook (which is fine in principle, I'm the same). Her family apparently commented on the situation said she needs to make more of an effort with communication/affection, which she was going to try and do. We both apologised to each other and left it there.

    We'd been talking about a potential holiday for a while, and booked one not soon after. We had some discussion about the finer details, but came up with a compromise that we both were happy with. However soon after we had an argument. I felt she was being cold and distant with me; she felt I was being moody. We had quite a serious talk with one another about how we both felt and our differences etc. I was told by her that her parents thought she was being a little unreasonable. I didn't press the issue; I thought perhaps we were both in the wrong. At the time I thought we ended on good terms, although she appeared reluctant towards any sort of intimacy afterwards. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

    Shortly afterwards I hear through a friend that she was rapidly going off our relationship and that she was regretting booking a holiday together. So much so, that she was considering ending things - had she not already paid a chunk of money. I also heard a bunch of other things, including the fact that she hid one of my personal belongings (had sentimental value) because she didn't like it; and that she refers to me as “Mr [dating site name]” to her friends and family (but regularly tells me she doesn't want people to know how we actually met). There are also a few other nasty remarks about my small circle of friends, and my family.

    I called her up on everything except hiding my stuff. She initially denied it, then got upset and admitted she had said these things to people – but she said she was just freaking out, ranting and didn't really mean them. She went on to say how ashamed she was etc. I was ready to end things there and then, but decided to give things a chance so we could put things right.

    She's seemed a lot more engaged with the relationship since; I'm meant to be staying at her parents for a few days for the first time and her family seem really really nice. She doesn't want me to stay in the same room as her though, which seems a little odd as her parents were fine with the idea. But I get some people may feel a little awkward about that sort of thing.

    Ultimately I feel betrayed by what she's done and I'm having a hard time trusting her. My close friends and family think she's being disrespectful, dishonest and that I should leave her. Has anyone here had someone behave this way and manage to turn things around for the better?
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Summary: Girlfriend did/said some pretty awful things behind my back. Now have trust issues. Doomed to failure, or salvageable?

    ---

    With girlfriend of several months. In her early twenties. I'm a little older and her first partner. We met using a dating site.

    Up until about a month ago things we're going pretty well. We have very similar interests, experiences and are both pretty quiet people. She does/did have some intimacy issues (first relationship, fair enough really). Everyone has their faults, myself included. However we talked about them and things appeared to improve between us. Aside from the occasional squabble - usually resulting from poor communication from one or both of us - things after that seemed great.

    About a month ago she stated that she was worried I'd soon get bored of her, inferring I'd leave her for someone better. I asked her why she felt this way, but she couldn't or wouldn't say. I did my best to reassure her and told her how much she means to me.

    Shortly after I tried to put that we were in a relationship together on Facebook, to reassure her that I'm proud for people to know we're together. I also tagged her in a few photos of us together that we'd previously agreed were OK to go up on Facebook. She freaked out and got angry with me. I explained how confused and upset her reaction made me, but she blanked me for a day or so. When she did respond, the delay was supposedly due to poor mobile phone reception. I later learned this to be false.

    It might be important to note that she's a regular Facebook user and is frequently tagged by friends in other photos.

    We talked about the issue. She downplayed her initial reaction as a sort of joke, but then went on to say she's careful about what she posts to Facebook (which is fine in principle, I'm the same). Her family apparently commented on the situation said she needs to make more of an effort with communication/affection, which she was going to try and do. We both apologised to each other and left it there.

    We'd been talking about a potential holiday for a while, and booked one not soon after. We had some discussion about the finer details, but came up with a compromise that we both were happy with. However soon after we had an argument. I felt she was being cold and distant with me; she felt I was being moody. We had quite a serious talk with one another about how we both felt and our differences etc. I was told by her that her parents thought she was being a little unreasonable. I didn't press the issue; I thought perhaps we were both in the wrong. At the time I thought we ended on good terms, although she appeared reluctant towards any sort of intimacy afterwards. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

    Shortly afterwards I hear through a friend that she was rapidly going off our relationship and that she was regretting booking a holiday together. So much so, that she was considering ending things - had she not already paid a chunk of money. I also heard a bunch of other things, including the fact that she hid one of my personal belongings (had sentimental value) because she didn't like it; and that she refers to me as “Mr [dating site name]” to her friends and family (but regularly tells me she doesn't want people to know how we actually met). There are also a few other nasty remarks about my small circle of friends, and my family.

    I called her up on everything except hiding my stuff. She initially denied it, then got upset and admitted she had said these things to people – but she said she was just freaking out, ranting and didn't really mean them. She went on to say how ashamed she was etc. I was ready to end things there and then, but decided to give things a chance so we could put things right.

    She's seemed a lot more engaged with the relationship since; I'm meant to be staying at her parents for a few days for the first time and her family seem really really nice. She doesn't want me to stay in the same room as her though, which seems a little odd as her parents were fine with the idea. But I get some people may feel a little awkward about that sort of thing.

    Ultimately I feel betrayed by what she's done and I'm having a hard time trusting her. My close friends and family think she's being disrespectful, dishonest and that I should leave her. Has anyone here had someone behave this way and manage to turn things around for the better?
    It's difficult because you definitely hit multiple issues a while back and now you can't quite tell how things are. I don't know her but to me it sounds like it's an issue on her end, rather than something specific to you. What she said/did is hurtful and to be honest I would have given up that stage if that were me, and if you're having serious doubts about the relationship then maybe it is time to call it a day. Equally you could slowly build up your trust again but the worst thing that could happen is to find out that more things happen since then - that'd be the final straw.
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    End it mate


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    For the sake of your relationship, I would give her another chance. But if anything of a similar nature happens again then there is a definite pattern emerging and I would cut loose.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Summary: Girlfriend did/said some pretty awful things behind my back. Now have trust issues. Doomed to failure, or salvageable?

    ---

    With girlfriend of several months. In her early twenties. I'm a little older and her first partner. We met using a dating site.

    Up until about a month ago things we're going pretty well. We have very similar interests, experiences and are both pretty quiet people. She does/did have some intimacy issues (first relationship, fair enough really). Everyone has their faults, myself included. However we talked about them and things appeared to improve between us. Aside from the occasional squabble - usually resulting from poor communication from one or both of us - things after that seemed great.

    About a month ago she stated that she was worried I'd soon get bored of her, inferring I'd leave her for someone better. I asked her why she felt this way, but she couldn't or wouldn't say. I did my best to reassure her and told her how much she means to me.

    Shortly after I tried to put that we were in a relationship together on Facebook, to reassure her that I'm proud for people to know we're together. I also tagged her in a few photos of us together that we'd previously agreed were OK to go up on Facebook. She freaked out and got angry with me. I explained how confused and upset her reaction made me, but she blanked me for a day or so. When she did respond, the delay was supposedly due to poor mobile phone reception. I later learned this to be false.

    It might be important to note that she's a regular Facebook user and is frequently tagged by friends in other photos.

    We talked about the issue. She downplayed her initial reaction as a sort of joke, but then went on to say she's careful about what she posts to Facebook (which is fine in principle, I'm the same). Her family apparently commented on the situation said she needs to make more of an effort with communication/affection, which she was going to try and do. We both apologised to each other and left it there.

    We'd been talking about a potential holiday for a while, and booked one not soon after. We had some discussion about the finer details, but came up with a compromise that we both were happy with. However soon after we had an argument. I felt she was being cold and distant with me; she felt I was being moody. We had quite a serious talk with one another about how we both felt and our differences etc. I was told by her that her parents thought she was being a little unreasonable. I didn't press the issue; I thought perhaps we were both in the wrong. At the time I thought we ended on good terms, although she appeared reluctant towards any sort of intimacy afterwards. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

    Shortly afterwards I hear through a friend that she was rapidly going off our relationship and that she was regretting booking a holiday together. So much so, that she was considering ending things - had she not already paid a chunk of money. I also heard a bunch of other things, including the fact that she hid one of my personal belongings (had sentimental value) because she didn't like it; and that she refers to me as “Mr [dating site name]” to her friends and family (but regularly tells me she doesn't want people to know how we actually met). There are also a few other nasty remarks about my small circle of friends, and my family.

    I called her up on everything except hiding my stuff. She initially denied it, then got upset and admitted she had said these things to people – but she said she was just freaking out, ranting and didn't really mean them. She went on to say how ashamed she was etc. I was ready to end things there and then, but decided to give things a chance so we could put things right.

    She's seemed a lot more engaged with the relationship since; I'm meant to be staying at her parents for a few days for the first time and her family seem really really nice. She doesn't want me to stay in the same room as her though, which seems a little odd as her parents were fine with the idea. But I get some people may feel a little awkward about that sort of thing.

    Ultimately I feel betrayed by what she's done and I'm having a hard time trusting her. My close friends and family think she's being disrespectful, dishonest and that I should leave her. Has anyone here had someone behave this way and manage to turn things around for the better?
    Tooo nasty, end.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Summary: Girlfriend did/said some pretty awful things behind my back. Now have trust issues. Doomed to failure, or salvageable?

    ---

    With girlfriend of several months. In her early twenties. I'm a little older and her first partner. We met using a dating site.

    Up until about a month ago things we're going pretty well. We have very similar interests, experiences and are both pretty quiet people. She does/did have some intimacy issues (first relationship, fair enough really). Everyone has their faults, myself included. However we talked about them and things appeared to improve between us. Aside from the occasional squabble - usually resulting from poor communication from one or both of us - things after that seemed great.

    About a month ago she stated that she was worried I'd soon get bored of her, inferring I'd leave her for someone better. I asked her why she felt this way, but she couldn't or wouldn't say. I did my best to reassure her and told her how much she means to me.

    Shortly after I tried to put that we were in a relationship together on Facebook, to reassure her that I'm proud for people to know we're together. I also tagged her in a few photos of us together that we'd previously agreed were OK to go up on Facebook. She freaked out and got angry with me. I explained how confused and upset her reaction made me, but she blanked me for a day or so. When she did respond, the delay was supposedly due to poor mobile phone reception. I later learned this to be false.

    It might be important to note that she's a regular Facebook user and is frequently tagged by friends in other photos.

    We talked about the issue. She downplayed her initial reaction as a sort of joke, but then went on to say she's careful about what she posts to Facebook (which is fine in principle, I'm the same). Her family apparently commented on the situation said she needs to make more of an effort with communication/affection, which she was going to try and do. We both apologised to each other and left it there.

    We'd been talking about a potential holiday for a while, and booked one not soon after. We had some discussion about the finer details, but came up with a compromise that we both were happy with. However soon after we had an argument. I felt she was being cold and distant with me; she felt I was being moody. We had quite a serious talk with one another about how we both felt and our differences etc. I was told by her that her parents thought she was being a little unreasonable. I didn't press the issue; I thought perhaps we were both in the wrong. At the time I thought we ended on good terms, although she appeared reluctant towards any sort of intimacy afterwards. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

    Shortly afterwards I hear through a friend that she was rapidly going off our relationship and that she was regretting booking a holiday together. So much so, that she was considering ending things - had she not already paid a chunk of money. I also heard a bunch of other things, including the fact that she hid one of my personal belongings (had sentimental value) because she didn't like it; and that she refers to me as “Mr [dating site name]” to her friends and family (but regularly tells me she doesn't want people to know how we actually met). There are also a few other nasty remarks about my small circle of friends, and my family.

    I called her up on everything except hiding my stuff. She initially denied it, then got upset and admitted she had said these things to people – but she said she was just freaking out, ranting and didn't really mean them. She went on to say how ashamed she was etc. I was ready to end things there and then, but decided to give things a chance so we could put things right.

    She's seemed a lot more engaged with the relationship since; I'm meant to be staying at her parents for a few days for the first time and her family seem really really nice. She doesn't want me to stay in the same room as her though, which seems a little odd as her parents were fine with the idea. But I get some people may feel a little awkward about that sort of thing.

    Ultimately I feel betrayed by what she's done and I'm having a hard time trusting her. My close friends and family think she's being disrespectful, dishonest and that I should leave her. Has anyone here had someone behave this way and manage to turn things around for the better?
    my partner ****ged me off behind my back and I ended it, that was my choice in the personal circumstances that I experienced. In my opinion Im not gonna be with someone who cant be honest with me or communicate with me, especially when I tell them how i feel and dont say it behind their back.

    tbh its a bit weird she was mad about the facebook stuff, do people know youre together? it almost sounds like she either doesnt want people to know or is ashamed/embarrassed of the relationship, i dont know, just a bit strange imo.

    In my opinion id maybe take a back seat and let her make most of the effort and come to you, not just because she has done something wrong to you, but to show that she is serious about the relationship, put the ball in her court. i also think communication is important in relationships and you should maybe discuss with her that she should be mature enough to talk to you about how she feels, even if they are irrational fears or whatever, she should still be honest with you so you can talk about it and come to a mutual understanding.
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    My god. Who let the novelist in?

    Everyone cheats. I've been cheating on my gf for the last two years and I'm still with her.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Summary: Girlfriend did/said some pretty awful things behind my back. Now have trust issues. Doomed to failure, or salvageable?

    ---

    With girlfriend of several months. In her early twenties. I'm a little older and her first partner. We met using a dating site.

    Up until about a month ago things we're going pretty well. We have very similar interests, experiences and are both pretty quiet people. She does/did have some intimacy issues (first relationship, fair enough really). Everyone has their faults, myself included. However we talked about them and things appeared to improve between us. Aside from the occasional squabble - usually resulting from poor communication from one or both of us - things after that seemed great.

    About a month ago she stated that she was worried I'd soon get bored of her, inferring I'd leave her for someone better. I asked her why she felt this way, but she couldn't or wouldn't say. I did my best to reassure her and told her how much she means to me.

    Shortly after I tried to put that we were in a relationship together on Facebook, to reassure her that I'm proud for people to know we're together. I also tagged her in a few photos of us together that we'd previously agreed were OK to go up on Facebook. She freaked out and got angry with me. I explained how confused and upset her reaction made me, but she blanked me for a day or so. When she did respond, the delay was supposedly due to poor mobile phone reception. I later learned this to be false.

    It might be important to note that she's a regular Facebook user and is frequently tagged by friends in other photos.

    We talked about the issue. She downplayed her initial reaction as a sort of joke, but then went on to say she's careful about what she posts to Facebook (which is fine in principle, I'm the same). Her family apparently commented on the situation said she needs to make more of an effort with communication/affection, which she was going to try and do. We both apologised to each other and left it there.

    We'd been talking about a potential holiday for a while, and booked one not soon after. We had some discussion about the finer details, but came up with a compromise that we both were happy with. However soon after we had an argument. I felt she was being cold and distant with me; she felt I was being moody. We had quite a serious talk with one another about how we both felt and our differences etc. I was told by her that her parents thought she was being a little unreasonable. I didn't press the issue; I thought perhaps we were both in the wrong. At the time I thought we ended on good terms, although she appeared reluctant towards any sort of intimacy afterwards. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

    Shortly afterwards I hear through a friend that she was rapidly going off our relationship and that she was regretting booking a holiday together. So much so, that she was considering ending things - had she not already paid a chunk of money. I also heard a bunch of other things, including the fact that she hid one of my personal belongings (had sentimental value) because she didn't like it; and that she refers to me as “Mr [dating site name]” to her friends and family (but regularly tells me she doesn't want people to know how we actually met). There are also a few other nasty remarks about my small circle of friends, and my family.

    I called her up on everything except hiding my stuff. She initially denied it, then got upset and admitted she had said these things to people – but she said she was just freaking out, ranting and didn't really mean them. She went on to say how ashamed she was etc. I was ready to end things there and then, but decided to give things a chance so we could put things right.

    She's seemed a lot more engaged with the relationship since; I'm meant to be staying at her parents for a few days for the first time and her family seem really really nice. She doesn't want me to stay in the same room as her though, which seems a little odd as her parents were fine with the idea. But I get some people may feel a little awkward about that sort of thing.

    Ultimately I feel betrayed by what she's done and I'm having a hard time trusting her. My close friends and family think she's being disrespectful, dishonest and that I should leave her. Has anyone here had someone behave this way and manage to turn things around for the better?
    Once youve got these kind of trust issues in a relationship, you might as well end things. There's not point in having a relationship like this which makes you miserable and you can't trust her because of what she's done to you in the past. Move on. Relationships are meant to be positive fulfilling things, not something which adds more drama to your life
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    I didn't have to read the post to tell you to end it.

    Any partner that disrespects you behind your back is not someone worth spending time with. Friend or partner.

    Yes I read the post. She doesn't seem happy to be with you. I love sharing pictures with my boyfriend and yes it's Facebook official. Any girl will be happy with you, you seem like a reasonable good guy
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    Personally I would finish it, she sounds like she has got a lot of issues.
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    She seems like she was ashamed of the relationship by not wanting it on Facebook and sayinbad things to her friends, she wouldn't have said them if she didn't mean it even a little bit, whatever she said has been on her mind and she has thought about it. If there is no trust there is no relationship but if you think you can build back on that then try but you might end up more hurt.
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    All sounds like too much drama.

    She is too young for you, immature and incompatible. Shes not that into you.

    You are quite needy and have high expectations of a relationship, wnating to be a bit more grown up and serious about it.

    It wont work:
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    Summary: Girlfriend did/said some pretty awful things behind my back. Now have trust issues. Doomed to failure, or salvageable?

    ---

    With girlfriend of several months. In her early twenties. I'm a little older and her first partner. We met using a dating site.

    Up until about a month ago things we're going pretty well. We have very similar interests, experiences and are both pretty quiet people. She does/did have some intimacy issues (first relationship, fair enough really). Everyone has their faults, myself included. However we talked about them and things appeared to improve between us. Aside from the occasional squabble - usually resulting from poor communication from one or both of us - things after that seemed great.

    About a month ago she stated that she was worried I'd soon get bored of her, inferring I'd leave her for someone better. I asked her why she felt this way, but she couldn't or wouldn't say. I did my best to reassure her and told her how much she means to me.

    Shortly after I tried to put that we were in a relationship together on Facebook, to reassure her that I'm proud for people to know we're together. I also tagged her in a few photos of us together that we'd previously agreed were OK to go up on Facebook. She freaked out and got angry with me. I explained how confused and upset her reaction made me, but she blanked me for a day or so. When she did respond, the delay was supposedly due to poor mobile phone reception. I later learned this to be false.

    It might be important to note that she's a regular Facebook user and is frequently tagged by friends in other photos.

    We talked about the issue. She downplayed her initial reaction as a sort of joke, but then went on to say she's careful about what she posts to Facebook (which is fine in principle, I'm the same). Her family apparently commented on the situation said she needs to make more of an effort with communication/affection, which she was going to try and do. We both apologised to each other and left it there.

    We'd been talking about a potential holiday for a while, and booked one not soon after. We had some discussion about the finer details, but came up with a compromise that we both were happy with. However soon after we had an argument. I felt she was being cold and distant with me; she felt I was being moody. We had quite a serious talk with one another about how we both felt and our differences etc. I was told by her that her parents thought she was being a little unreasonable. I didn't press the issue; I thought perhaps we were both in the wrong. At the time I thought we ended on good terms, although she appeared reluctant towards any sort of intimacy afterwards. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.

    Shortly afterwards I hear through a friend that she was rapidly going off our relationship and that she was regretting booking a holiday together. So much so, that she was considering ending things - had she not already paid a chunk of money. I also heard a bunch of other things, including the fact that she hid one of my personal belongings (had sentimental value) because she didn't like it; and that she refers to me as “Mr [dating site name]” to her friends and family (but regularly tells me she doesn't want people to know how we actually met). There are also a few other nasty remarks about my small circle of friends, and my family.

    I called her up on everything except hiding my stuff. She initially denied it, then got upset and admitted she had said these things to people – but she said she was just freaking out, ranting and didn't really mean them. She went on to say how ashamed she was etc. I was ready to end things there and then, but decided to give things a chance so we could put things right.

    She's seemed a lot more engaged with the relationship since; I'm meant to be staying at her parents for a few days for the first time and her family seem really really nice. She doesn't want me to stay in the same room as her though, which seems a little odd as her parents were fine with the idea. But I get some people may feel a little awkward about that sort of thing.

    Ultimately I feel betrayed by what she's done and I'm having a hard time trusting her. My close friends and family think she's being disrespectful, dishonest and that I should leave her. Has anyone here had someone behave this way and manage to turn things around for the better?
    I would say continue dating her for now if you like spending time with her enough, but dont get emotionally invested in her. She's shown herself to be twofaced, and you have to be on your guard with someone like that.
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    It's only been a few months, and already she's been this cruel and duplicitous?
    The early stages are supposed to be the easiest and most loved up.

    Sounds like she might have insecurities/issues with the fact that she met you on a dating website as her first partner in her early twenties - she probably didn't imagine her romantic life turning out like that and, especially when she is away from you, her negativity about the circumstances is seamlessly turning into negativity directly about you without her even being aware.

    None of that is fair or good, but it also means potentially (if this is even the case) she could come to a realisation, acceptance and then free herself from her damaging thought patterns to be able to fully appreciate the actual relationship (which would be a lot healthier and more fulfilling for both of you) - instead of the surface relationship she's currently having without being invested, while comparing it to a fantasy she's feeling loss for.

    I could be wrong, and where you go from here is up to you. It sounds like you're good at talking to her and listening, seems like you would know best whether you even should or how.
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    Thanks so much to everyone that took the time to respond - it's been very helpful
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    any update on the situation


    Posted from TSR Mobile
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
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    Giving it some time, seeing it we can work through it and ultimately trying to understand the root cause to it all. Perhaps it's just immaturity, perhaps there are some things I can do differently. We'll see.

    Things appear to be improving. We're talking more about stuff which is good. But taking heed from some comments here and elsewhere I think stepping back a bit emotionally is the right thing to do!

    I also think ribbits hit the nail on the head with the dating website thing; it's probably generated a bit of resentment now things are starting to get serious and family/friends become more involved.

    Thanks again. Will update just in case this ends up helping someone else in a similar situation
    • #1
    • Thread Starter
    #1

    Well, an update (yes, it's been a while). It ended.

    And to all those people with wisdom to say I should have ended it back when I started this thread, you were absolutely 100% correct. And I feel a fool. I have never felt so manipulated or hurt, and I let it happen because I stupidly thought things would change!

    I could probably write a book with the details, but in it's most simplest it turns out she was a very selfish individual with little compassion for other people - likely resulting from her highly controlling mother who was equally selfish would simply not leave our relationship alone.

    Although things appeared to be fine and improve on the surface (for a while anyway), it turns out her mother was controlling essentially every aspect or decision within our relationship behind the scenes - as well as emotionally blackmailing her daughter, and sometimes me directly, if we ever deviated from this. When I found out and challenged this way of things, it made things 10 times worse. Our anniversary holiday I booked and paid for was completely ruined three days before we were due to travel.

    I was made to feel like there was something wrong with me throughout and that all of this was my fault. Can't believe I let it go on for so long; I could kick myself.
 
 
 
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