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Disabled Father Making My Life Hell...

My father is disabled, he suffered a mild stroke many years ago and has been slowly detoriating ever since, he is now in a wheelchair, needs to be fed, taken to the toilet, wears a nappy in case he wets himself (which he does up to two to three times a day) his speech is slurred, he needs to be bathed, shaved etc basically he is completely dependent on my mum and brother (im a girl so obviously i dont do any of the things mentioned apart from feed him)

All of the above, although difficult we dont mind, the problem is he is so stubborn he refuses to do anything, he wants to die apparentley and refuses to be fed and so everyday is a battle to force-feed him three times a day- its so hard you can imagine forcing a grown man to eat- he screams, shouts, flips out it takes so much energy, he says the food hurts him (he has a stomach ulcer) and says really stupid and senseless things like 'i dont need food- i can survive without food'.

Despite all that we do for him he still curses us, he calls my mum a stupid bitch, a prostitute- makes up disgusting stories about her and other men and tells them to me (very embarrasing), he calls my brother a 'bastard' even though he cleans his nappy, takes him to the toilet, bathes him...(he wets himself and even poo's himself on purpose to get on my brothers nerves) my brother sometimes has to come home during his lunchbreak just to change his nappy (because he doesnt want my mum to have to do it) AND he wakes up early before work (5:30) for the same reason.

He screams all day long- he has a really loud voice so u can imagine how hard this is, a grown man screaming at the top of his lungs, and he does so all night so my brother doesnt sleep all night either. He wakes us up in the middle of the night too for no reason, he'll scream, Ill go and he'll say 'call your mum/brother' and I'll be like 'they are asleep' and he'll say he needs a wee, so I wake them up and he doesn't do anything because he doesn't really need a wee, then the next morning he will have wet himself anyway.

He really is a pain, I feel sorry for my brother the most but i also feel sorry for my dad too because at the end of the day he is ill. He was struck down with this illness at such a young age (in his 30's) and I can understand why he acts as crazy as he does....It is getting so hard I feel like killing myself and killing him to. Its so hard to explain the problem to people, we cant even invite anyone to the house because of the bad smell (a grown man pooing and weeing himself- it smells like a stable) and his crazyness- the screaming, shouting and cursing....he calls me a stupid bitch as well....I cant go anywhere during the day because my mum cant cope on her own...(she cant move him from room to room- which he changes up to 6 times in hour, if we refuse he starts screaming, shouting at the top of his voice again) also me and my mum have not been on holiday in 10 years!!!

Sorry for the long speech, Im not feeling sorry for myself but I feel like Im losing my mind, my brother has such a short fuse and is always screaming at me and my mum, my mum screams at everybody and is constantly depressed... its like living in a zoo!! I know of some other people with ill/disabled people in thier house and no one seems to have the same problems as us...

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Reply 1

SuperhansFavouriteAlsatian

Are you sure he doesn't have some kind of progressive dementia/Alzheimer's? Or, that the stroke have has spurred this on?

Do what all good children do - send him to a home.

Reply 2

sparkle86

I feel so sorry for you and your family It must be so upsetting for you all. To be honest I think he needs professional care outside of the home. You can all still go see him but it's making you all so miserable. You lot have got a life as well. If it's too hard to bear him leaving the home then maybe get a carer in, i'm sure there must be some disability benefits you can get to help you.

Take care. x

Send him to a home.

Oh gosh. You've coped with this for so long. Have you looked into professional care for him? I know it will feel terrible, and he's your Dad, but it sounds like you are all just worn down to the bone. There's nothing wrong with asking for help.

Have you thought about joining a group for young carers? It may help you to take your mind off it for a while. :s-smilie:

Reply 5

Louise88

My uncle had a stroke around 7 years ago, he too had to depend on the people around him. He was in a wheelchair, speaking was difficult, he had to be fed, cleaned, dressed... everything. He too had periods of behaving in a similar way. He hated the fact that it happened, and that his family had to care for him in such a way. He would get really frustrated with everything. At first my auntie had people in to help usually in the morning, and in the evening. They would help out with some of the daily tasks such as taking him to the bathroom, cleaning him, putting him to bed and such. This made things easier for my aunite, but at the end of the day, even with that help she couldn't cope. He now lives in a home, has full time care, and though he still has his moments, his mood has improved.

If you are finding it difficult to cope at home, maybe having someone in to help with the care of your father will make things easier for you. Sometimes it doesn't work out, but sometimes it can make a huge difference in the home environment. It takes a little weight off of your shoulders, but it also gives your father the chance to stay at home, and be with the people he is closest to.

Another option, which people don't particularly like, but sometimes they have no other choice, is full time care. It's a very difficult decision to come to, putting someone that you love in care, but sometimes it's the best thing for you, and them. They will receive the best quality care and the family can get at least some normality back into their lives.

Unless you have experienced something like this yourself, you'll never really understand. I can't imagine what it must be like for you at home, and I can completely understand your anger, and your frustration. As a family, you don't seem to be coping and it's important that you talk about it, and maybe do something about it. It's difficult, no doubt about it, but you, your mother, and your brother deserve a life too, and right now, you don't have that. I think it's important that you at least try, if you haven't done already, some outside care and see how it goes.

Reply 6

Bubblebee

I don't think you are selfish for feeling the way you do. Find out if there are any young carers associations near you, they really helped my ex and his little brother cope.
It doesn't necessarily mean he has to go into care but they can help you to help yourself for a while. Caring for someone like that would take it's toll on anyone. I think you are very strong to do what you have to do.

Reply 7

tbtommyb

Wow, I feel bad for you. Even if you don't want to send him to a home, would you not be able to get a carer to come round? You might be entitled to something, I don't know.

Reply 8

hang_your_heart

Couldn't you try explaining this to him? He's probably so wrapped up in his illness that he doesn't think about how his carers must feel. Ask him to make more of an effort as you really don't want to have to get professional help, but you all feel like you just can't cope with his mood anymore. Tell him that he's not a burden and you know it's very difficult for him, but neither is he making the situation any better for anyone and he's just making you resent him because of his attitude.

Reply 9

warblade

as the last poster, i kinda feel bad for you, ur brova and ur mum and obviously ur dad.

as almost everyone else said, look for professional care for him. noone should live for the others and ur mum might end up crazy just because of him.

this prob aint the best advice i can give you but thats what i think and im sure here in the uk u are entitled to some help.

good luck with everythin tho

cheers, war

Reply 10

Serendipity*

I did my work experience in a neuro-rehab centre, so I know exactly the kind of situation you're in.
:frown:

Really sorry to hear you are having difficulties...I initially agreed with most other people who have already posted about sending your father to be taken into professional care, but then realised that this might adversely affect him, especially if he doesn't want to leave. It must be really frustrating for your father not being able to do anything...I recently broke my right arm and had a full arm cast for 13 weeks, this was bad enough! I recently got it removed but I still cant do some things!
However it must also be extremely frustrating for you and your family having to be put through this, you obviously love your father very much but all this stress is taking its toll on you. See if you can put your father into care but just temporarily, then you can get a break and come back refreshed and renewed. Everyone needs time-out sometimes, and you certainly deserve it!!
Hope this helps :smile:

Reply 11

Cushti

I'm pretty sure that, given the circumstances, there will be a grant available for your family to pay for a carer. My Gran is in the early stages of Alzheimer's and my Mum has to visit around 3 or 4 times a week (she lives about 15 miles away). My Gran has just been offered a carer's grant, though this may only be available in Scotland.

I understand how upsetting it is to see a loved one going on such a rapid downhill spiral... this sounds incredibly cheesy and cringeworthy, but it is like they've died inside, they become a different, very unhappy person. It's so tragic. Cases like these make me believe more than ever that euthanasia should be allowed... it's a disgrace that people are forced to live such an unhappy, miserable life in constant pain.

Also, as suggested, find a young carers' group for you and your brother. You really deserve a chance to unwind and relax.

Reply 12

][ceman

The only advice I can offer is care home, but everyone else has already said that.

The only real reason I'm positing is to tell you that even though I've never met you, I think you're a brave and wonderful person for coping with this, but maybe its time to stop. You don't need to try and be brave for ever, you shouldn't have to, you've been forced into dealing with a situation well beyond your years, and its not right.

For your sake, your mums sake, and your brothers sake, get some professional help. Please.

There is a website that specializes at finding the best care homes close to you called Better Caring, and you can find the website at http://www.bettercaring.co.uk or alternatively you can ring them directly on 0845 644 1701.

Hope this helps.

Reply 13

bone-machine

you need to get into contact with someone and say your family isnt coping and needs some support.

i am only speaking from the experience of my grandmother dying of cancer, but we had mcmillan nurses and carers coming to help out some days of the week to change her, wash her, etc...

thats obviously just for cancer but im sure there must be some sort of similar support available for families in your position. it would maybe be a good compromise to a home as it just takes some of the strain of the family for a few days a week while still keeping your father at home.

i wish you all the luck in the world

xxx

Reply 14

Marie05

It's so hard. My nan suffered the same and there was an instant change in attitude and behaviour. She would make odd statements like 'i dont need food', 'im dying arent i?', ' ah well i'm 75 years old' she says hopelessly. I didnt know how to react, i really wanted to give her hope because there was a chance of getting better and thank God she did.
I think in your case, your dad cant accept what has happened to him. This depends a lot on one's personality before something like this happens to them (maybe ask your mum) Was he once a success independent gentleman? What was his personality like? And for something so tragic to happen to him in his 30s, it'll create bitter and hard feelings. I just think if you think hard about things from his perspective (understanding his personality, how he thinks) and understanding exactly why he's acting the way he is, maybe you can arrive to better solutions.
best wishes

Reply 15

Sunofnight

My gran says things like 'theres no point in taking this im 80' etc I honestly think I lot of us will be the same at that age.

Reply 16

Annie72

The situation is very clearly taking its toll on you and your family. Have you thought that perhaps your dad actually resents being looked after like he does?, I mean he has been this way since his 30"s which is very young to have a stroke. I really do think that now is the time to consider getting professional help, you cannot go on like this anymore, none of you can. Perhaps putting your dad into a home is the best option or failing that getting some respite care would also be a good thing as it would give you all a break. As others have said is there a chance that your dad is suffereing from depression or dementia, it could be that the stroke has brought on the mental health condition sooner than would be expected.

Hope you get something sorted soon.

Reply 17

fettucini

Yeah I think you might qualify for a grant or something so you can employ someone to come round and look after him. That would be a better idea from his point of view than sending him to a home cos as others have said, being in a home may be bad for his self esteem.

Reply 18

Angelil

Respite care might be the best option here as it's pretty clear that none of you can carry on like this, including your father. There's bound to be some sort of financial subsidy for this kind of thing, and if there is, I hope you and your family get every penny you deserve to help care for your father. It really sounds like you, your mum and your brother have done everything you can here :frown:

Reply 19

Krysia

As a few people have suggested, trying to find a Young Carers' group near you might be an idea; it's tough on anyone having to deal with a situation like this within their family, but especially for young people.

Another option to consider is investigating the possibility of getting involved in a local respite care scheme for disabled people; it might be a better option to consider first, as it's more like short-term fostering than committing him into full-time professional care immediately so you can see how it goes, and it'll give you and your family what sounds like a much-needed break. In my local area a respite care scheme is run by the social services, so try contacting them.

Finally, if things ever feel like they're getting too much and you need to talk to someone about it, do! Either find a friend who you can trust, or you can always e-mail Samaritans (jo @ samaritans . org), or post here on TSR to get things off your chest.

Sorry for the essay, and the very best of luck with everything, hope things start getting better for you and your family x