This discussion is now closed.

Check out other Related discussions

Casual-sex relationship; mentally-healthy?

I've just come out of a long relationship. I've been in a serious relationship with a someone (not the same person, but three separates, one after another) for the past two years, and broke up with my previous boyfriend because I needed to not have the serious side to things. Things were getting too serious, and I felt like I wanted my independence.

However.

A situation's since emerged where I have the opportunity to sleep with an acquaintance (he's just broken up with his girlfriend) and I wondered if it was healthy, mentally, to do so? No joke. I'm being serious.

I had many reservations about sex beforehand, and about certain...things, and I do see this as a way to loosen up, to relax, to not have to be so serious about things all the time. Just ONE one-night-stand. Nothing else. Two people who are both single, looking for a good time, for one-night only.

However, considering I want my independence and I've just come out of a relationship, is this a good idea?

Reply 1

username47781

20

It's up to you, but the problem with casual sex is someone normally developes deeper feelings while the other person is not interested so it can get very messy.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

OP

If we both knew from the onset that it was just sex (the kind of guy he is...he'd never have any deeper feelings for me, and as I'm already aware of this the idea of it being just sex is a lot easier), would that still happen?

I wouldn't.

Well trouble is you might agree it at the start but then as time goes on someone's feelings can still change. Not just that it will still be awkward if one of you finds someone else.

Reply 5

henryt

17

I had a "one-night stand" (of sorts) with one of my good friends. We both felt completely guilt ridden for weeks, even though it was agreed before that it wouldn't affect our friendship. She and I are now back to being friends, but not as good as we were before, I don't think, at least...

Reply 6

Eubacterium

13

How did you not have your independence?

I advice not to.

Reply 7

Anonymous #1

OP

What if it was someone you barely saw? Just a passing acquaintance you chat to online, occasionally?

Thanks for your replies, guys!

Reply 8

Eubacterium

13

henryt

I had a "one-night stand" (of sorts) with one of my good friends. We both felt completely guilt ridden for weeks, even though it was agreed before that it wouldn't affect our friendship. She and I are now back to being friends, but not as good as we were before, I don't think, at least...

Yeah I never understand how 2 friends can sleep together and carry on as normal as before. :s-smilie:

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

OP

I was in relationships for two years, with barely 3 weeks or so in between each one. I felt like I needed to be on my own.

Reply 10

username47781

20

Personally I think sleeping with someone right after coming out of a relationship is the worst thing you can do, but that's just me I guess.

Reply 11

henryt

17

Eubacterium

Yeah I never understand how 2 friends can sleep together and carry on as normal as before. :s-smilie:

I think we just felt a bit as though we used eachother for gratification, which is just gross when you think about it. We still meet once-ish a week for lunch/coffee/Disney(!) though, so it's not bad - we've salvaged our friendship. We both realise we made a mistake, perhaps fuelled by a little alcohol. :redface:

Ah well. It's all in the past. You have to just learn from mistakes, I guess... (cliche of the year!)

Reply 12

Sundous

1

If you want my advice and opinion: don't and it's disgusting.

Reply 13

Chumbaniya

17

It might be difficult to make it work right after coming out of a more serious relationship, but given that your reason for leaving the last relationship was that it was getting too serious I imagine you are prepared for something more casual and not just wanting some sort of comfort after breaking up. I think it helps that it would be someone you didn't see much, because that would help to reinforce the fact in both your minds that you're not supposed to be growing close emotionally.

You hear a lot of stories about one person in a casual sex relationship developing feelings for the other, so of course that's a worry, but if you both go into it knowing exactly what you want (and what you don't) it could be worth a try.

Reply 14

Jamesb283

Just take some time off, I wouldn't advise a casual sexual relationship like that, as there is ALWAYS strings attached xD. Sounds like you need to be single for a little while, why rush into what could so easily develop into another relationship?

Reply 15

Zoecb

11

If you're trying to justify yourself saying "just ONE one-night-stand" implies that you see something suspicious about prolonged bouts of casual sex. Which implies that you're not emotionally capable of experiencing casual sex happily.

Why just once with this acquaintance? Maybe you could date him.

Reply 16

Louher

Speaking from a similar experience I would definately advise against getting into anything that is just 'casual sex'. In my experience I found intially it was good, we both knew were we stood. Then the inevitable happened, feelings started to develop, wires got crossed and I ended up distraught and heartbroken. We'd both just come out of long-term relationships (him 2 years, me 4 years) and as my break-up happened 8 months prior to meeting him and his only 5 months prior. I think I was a bit more ready for getting into something else whereas to him it was just a bit of fun. So now i'm left feeling pretty low. It starts off fun but for me I ended up feeling used and a questioned why I wasn't 'good' enough for him. But at the end of the day its up to you and if you feel you can handle the risk of developing deeper feelings for him then go for it.

Reply 17

Sticky

Anonymous

If we both knew from the onset that it was just sex (the kind of guy he is...he'd never have any deeper feelings for me, and as I'm already aware of this the idea of it being just sex is a lot easier), would that still happen?

Yea but that's always in THEORY. Of course everyone who gets into these kinds of arrangements believes they know what they're doing, otherwise why do it?

I was actually expecting loads of posts full of typical platitudes like "as long as you know where you stand", "as long as you know it's just sex". Maybe there are more mature people who have been through this kind of experience on here.

At first, it can seem like a great idea and it does feel that way at first, if you definitely weren't looking for a relationship. You get quite a high from sleeping with them, your confidence is boosted because you feel attractive, yet you don't feel like you have any responsibilities: it feels pretty cool. Then you end up realising you're not that comfortable and what you're trying to get isn't sex but all the things you get from a relationship (without the things you hate to deal with): attention, feeling desired and needed. The trouble is, in theory, it was supposed to be about sex, not about getting a confidence-boost and wanting to feel desired. In that kind of situation, you become attached and if you find out the other person is seeing someone else, you feel awful and all the things you were seeking: attention, feeling attractive and desired, just goes outside the window and you feel crap. I've been in that exact situation and I'm a guy.

Think about it. How many people sleep with people ONLY for the sex? Quite often, it's more about getting attention, feeling attractive and desired, maybe a bit of closeness. Seeking those things outside a relationship is usually quite risky. How would you feel if this guy was seeing other girls at the same time and had the exact same arrangement with them? How would that make you feel?

From my experience, it just gets messy. May I ask you why you say that "a chance has come up" for casual sex? Is it you who suggested casual sex or is it him? If he said he wanted to be your boyfriend, what would you say to that? Is this guy just some guy on the internet looking for sex?

Reply 18

Fire Star

1

i would.
leave you ex in the dust and move on

Reply 19

Segat1

16

OP, do you feel you can really emotionally seperate sex and love? You need to see this as just that. Otherwise you will start looking for signs it's love and then all hell breaks loose.

If you have ANY doubs about how you feel about this guy then don't do it.

Casual-sex relationship; mentally-healthy?

Related discussions

Articles for you