How to cope with death?

12

I've just had the news that my grandad unfortunately passed away this morning, it's turned everything upside down and I feel very odd. I'm especially worried about my nan who won't be able to cope on her own and her living arrangements will have to change.
I've never had the death of someone so close to me before and I don't really know what to do with myself. Is there anything I can do to help myself? Also I've got the worry of a presentation for uni on Tuesday, but I really don't feel like doing the work.

Thanks in advance for any advice.

Jenn

Reply 1

Jamesb283

Talk to your parents about it, both of my grand parents of my mothers side died fairly recently, and I was really close to my grandmother, not so much my grandfather, as he lost his marbles...

But chances are your parents are feeling it harder than you, as they probably spent a great deal of their lives with them. (whichever side). I found it very helpful talking to my mother..

Now this sounds harsh, but I found a good method afterwards was to try and forget, because If I dwelled on the thought, it hurt to be honest, I was VERY close with my grandmother, she was always spoiling me as a kid, taking me out places, (the woods) and even climbing trees with me as a young one.

For your nan, I do not know what to suggest, when my nan passed, my grandfather was sent to a nursing home, however they had a lot of spare money and could afford a really decent one at a manor house... So I do not know what to suggest for that. I think you should try and take your mind off of it for the mean time, especially with the presentation, and just talk to your parents about it.

Reply 2

Varsity

13

Im sorry for your loss,

I found the best thing to do when I lost a relative was find out more about them. Now this might be odd, but I knew very little about my grand parent.

I knew who he was, but i didnt know of his exploits/stories he had. This helped me alot because although im sad he has gone, I can look back and say "He had a bloody good run, and did alot in the time he had"

This is a personal thing and might not work for everyone, but its important to think about the persons life, more than their death I think.

Reply 3

noodles!

14

Sorry to hear about your loss :hugs:

Everyone deals with grief in a different way, so do whatever you need to do to help yourself :smile:

I'm sure if you speak to someone at your Uni they will be able to arrange an extension for your work.

Reply 4

M'Lady

OP

12

I am, in a way glad for my Grandad, he was fed up with life and had become really poorly quite quickly. But it's my nan that worries me most now, she can't live in the same house on her own but she doesnt want to go into a home. I feel a bit selfish getting upset about it.

Reply 5

noodles!

14

The One and Only Lady Jennington

I am, in a way glad for my Grandad, he was fed up with life and had become really poorly quite quickly. But it's my nan that worries me most now, she can't live in the same house on her own but she doesnt want to go into a home. I feel a bit selfish getting upset about it.

That's not selfish, you're concerned and upset. Maybe your nan could go and live with a member of your family?

My nan, when she left my grandad (not the same, I know), moved into a block of sheltered flats where there's always someone on call but they are still completely independent. Is that an option perhaps?

Reply 6

thesard

If you were close to your granddad, it's very possible that you can get an extension on your uni presentation. If you can get it out of teh way though, hat would be a much better idea in the long run.

It always feels odd when someone in the family dies; all of a sudden, it's not possible to make amends, or to call them and let them know how you're doing at uni/in life.

If you're the type of person, you'll also be more aware right now of the nature of life and death and, like me, you might even get pissed off about it. It really does seem unfair. At best, you can accept that life will bring these losses. The best you can do is make the most out of the people you love right now. That is, if it's possible, be good with your parents.

I'm sorry if this all seems a bit off topic. I suppose that's all I can offer.

;grouphugs;

Reply 7

M'Lady

OP

12

I think either someone is going to move in with her or she will end up in 24hour care sheltered housing because she can't see and she's not to quick on her feet anymore.
I'm starting to feel a bit better, I want to be strong for my mum, me and my boyfriend have been talking about all the quirks about my grandad and he's still making us laugh now. He was a strange man and didn't show his love very readily, but I know he was fiercly proud of all his kids, grandkids and great grandkids.

Reply 8

Ron Stoppable

14

The One and Only Lady Jennington

I've just had the news that my grandad unfortunately passed away this morning ... I've never had the death of someone so close to me before and I don't really know what to do with myself. Is there anything I can do to help myself?

Hey Jenn,

I'm sorry to hear about your grandad. Grief is a strange feeling - one of pain and sadness, and sometimes anger or numbness too. There are a number of things you can do that will help both yourself and your nan:

Express Yourself
Get your closest friends to come round and express your grief - cry, rage or talk over and over about what has happened. Don't worry if you let yourself lose control of your feelings for while. You'll find it easier in the long run to live with, and to control, your emotions. Memories of the past are painful, but they are also your treasure - it is best not to bury them away.

How Much?
It can feel as though it's your duty to grieve as much as those around you, but your grandad probably wouldn't have wanted you to suffer. Family and friends usually do the trick, but if you feel constantly depressed, have a chat with your GP and they'll talk you through your options.

Your Nan
It is important for you to recognise that once a partner dies, the chances of a spouse following suit shortly afterwards goes up enormously and often heart disease is implicated, indicating that it really is possible to die of a broken heart. However, there are always other reasons for carrying on living and finding a reason to be alive, and what your nan needs is support from you and your family in helping her discover this.

Identify Empty Space & Help Fill It
Elderly widow(er)s commonly find themselves staring at their partner's chair or side of the bed shortly after losing them, often vividly imagining them there. Simply sitting/lying in their place themselves can fill that void.

Encourage Social Interaction
It'll help your nan no end if she has a close group of friends like you have to talk, rant and grieve with. Help her in arranging to go out and see these friends. Coffee mornings at churches and in town centres are always good.

Keep finding things to smile about, :smile:

Ron Stoppable

Reply 9

M'Lady

OP

12

Thanks everyone :smile:

Reply 10

thesard

Hey Ron, that's an excellent post :smile:

Reply 11

Bubblebee

15

It sounds a stupid idea if you aren't religious, (I wouldn't say I am yet) but when my Nana died a few months back a friend of mine told me to go, take some time out and sit in a church. I did and though it wasn't the last time I cried about it and I still have moments of absoloute grief it calmed me down and let me have time to think about her.
There is no set time for grieving, and sometimes you will feel guilty that you are forgetting them but you need to hold your head up high and walk on through life thinking about how proud that person would have been if they could see you.

Reply 12

slk999

15

speaking pragmatically, because i think it helps- it did when i lost my mum in feburary. death comes to us all and perhaps it's better that your granddad went now than having to lose his wife and then just go into a state of depression which is no fun for anyone. my dog also died this morning and she had a good life and it was right that she should go because it was no fun for her. you just have to put yourself in your granddads shoes and think what was best for him. when you stop being angry that someone you love has been taken away from you (only natural), i think you'll start to appreciate the situation somewhat more clearly.
but for now, just try and ease yourself out of a very raw situation. you just need time to run things over in your head.
people might say rant and rage, but in reality this is far from what you may want to do. this didn't reach me till about 2 months after my mum died and i cut up my sim card after a visit to the doctor who told me i was making a fuss over nothing. i remember feeling i didn't want to feel different for having lost someone when other people still have that particular member of their family still with them. thus talking to them really didn't help. i really think you have to get things clear in your head first. talking about things will come a lot later. (in my experience anyway).

Reply 13

ZanyZanny

1

Hey i am in exactly the same situation as you are. My grandad died two weeks ago now and it was the first person close to me who i have ever lost and so mucked me up quite a bit. My Gran has been very ill of late and cant cope by herself so she has come to live with my family. I didnt knwo what to say to my Gran to start with i mean, she was married for 60 years and my Grandad died in front of her and i didnt know what to say to her or do, i still dont really but just talking to them seems to help, even the topic of weather, which is what i use most often when i just know she needs to talk about something.
Dont worry i know its hard believe me but it gets better and you just have to think that you Grandad is in a better place and just do anything to occupy yourself, i find just being out of my house helps a lot.
:hugs:

Reply 14

M'Lady

OP

12

ZanyZanny

Hey i am in exactly the same situation as you are. My grandad died two weeks ago now and it was the first person close to me who i have ever lost and so mucked me up quite a bit. My Gran has been very ill of late and cant cope by herself so she has come to live with my family. I didnt knwo what to say to my Gran to start with i mean, she was married for 60 years and my Grandad died in front of her and i didnt know what to say to her or do, i still dont really but just talking to them seems to help, even the topic of weather, which is what i use most often when i just know she needs to talk about something.
Dont worry i know its hard believe me but it gets better and you just have to think that you Grandad is in a better place and just do anything to occupy yourself, i find just being out of my house helps a lot.
:hugs:

Just been to see my nan and you're right, it does help to talk about silly things. I think theyd been married nearly 60yrs too and he died infront of her which was scary for her as she can't see and couldn't get to him. I'm glad that she's got so many people around her.

How to cope with death?

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