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do you think i have a problem?

i am sort of concerned for myself over my eating habits, which have changed a lot recently. i used to eat a lot and had a very healthy appetite. i'd always eat 3 full meals a day, and maybe a few snacks. i was 5'8" and about a size 10.

i feel like it all went wrong when my ex boyfriend broke up with me, about half a year ago now. i was so upset that i hardly ate for about six weeks after. i lost about stone, and this resulted in (what i feel like) my stomach shrinking and my appetite getting smaller. i am now a size 8, and as mentioned before, quite tall, although to be honest, i have never really been able to see for myself that the weight came off.

as a result, though i am starting to get over the break up, i now can't eat properly anymore. i feel full after half a plate of food (any food). if i am honest with myself, i feel quite smug about this. i almost look down on others with a very big appetite, and feel satisfaction from being able to leave food on my plate. if i force a lot of food down, like a normal amount, then i feel so full and bloated that i do often think, "i should make myself sick", although i have never really done this (maybe once or twice, but not properly. i thought it was disgusting and it isn't something i'd ever get into doing).

though i am now eating much more than i initially was at the breakup, my appetite is definitely permanently changed, and the weight has stayed off. i reckon that i probably eat no more than 1000-1500 calories a day. i also find myself counting calories a lot.

i feel proud of myself when i take a lot of drugs at the weekend, because this keeps my appetite down in the week. last sunday, i think i only had about 500 calories and i felt really good about it. i also get this huge kick out of having such a flat stomach. and comments from boys about me looking skinny really make me happy. i think about it for days and days after if a boy asks if i've lost weight.

i suppose i am concerned because i am home alone today and i am considering not eating anything much for lunch. maybe just a piece of toast. i am forever weighing myself and i panic if i put on a pound or two. i feel like i need to take amphetamines at the weekend in order to control my appetite a bit, although they mess with my head and i have awful comedowns.

i find it really hard because i have several friends with bad eating disorders, and it almost seems normal to me. it's quite normal in my circle of friends to take a lot of drugs at the weekend and eat nothing for days after, then do it all again the next weekend. my ex once said to me, "the best diet plan is amphetamines". you see, even the boys i know are stuck in this mindset. i suppose i need to make it very very clear that drugs are quite an issue and not really something i feel i can go very long without - i don't think i've gone three weeks without doing coke or E in the last year.

i suppose as i type this out, it is clear to me that i am not normal. i suppose i am just wondering what other people think. i am a straight A student, going to a very good university soon. i have a job and wonderful friends. but i am so concerned about this, and i don't know what to do...

Reply 1

Danny the Geezer

21

Why didn't you get help the moment you realised things were wrong... (surely when you stopped eating, circa split with boyfriend, that was the point to start asking for help?)

Reply 2

Zoecb

11

Yes you have a problem.

I CAN'T leave food on my plate. I feel horribly guilty. There are millions of people in the world who don't have enough food, I'm not gonna be the ungrateful brat who throws most of mine away.

Reply 3

Danny the Geezer

21

Zoecb

Yes you have a problem.

I CAN'T leave food on my plate. I feel horribly guilty. There are millions of people in the world who don't have enough food, I'm not gonna be the ungrateful brat who throws most of mine away.

Exactly, I always think that when I don't want to eat, and often eat what people have left... There's always the point that there are scores of homeless people too, in our cities and towns, who would die to eat the food you're leaving.

Reply 4

pinkchampers

5

I had this problem it was called delayed gastric emptying or something along those lines, i went to my GP and was given some tablets to help.

or you could have IBS that causes bloated etc.

In any case see your GP.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

jaydoh

Why didn't you get help the moment you realised things were wrong... (surely when you stopped eating, circa split with boyfriend, that was the point to start asking for help?)

i stopped eating because i physically felt i couldn't. i wasn't hungry because i was so heartbroken. i didn't really feel it was a problem, and enjoyed the compliments from others. so i didn't ask for help. plus, a lot of my friends have big eating disorders. i don't really know what to do about "help".

that's why i'm asking for help now.

and to the people who say "others would love to have the food you're leaving" - yes, this is valid, but i'm asking for help. i'm feeling down and worried about my attitude to food. i'm not trying to wind you up, so please don't make me feel guilty!

Reply 6

beach surf babe

14

Anonymous

and to the people who say "others would love to have the food you're leaving" - yes, this is valid, but i'm asking for help. i'm feeling down and worried about my attitude to food. i'm not trying to wind you up, so please don't make me feel guilty!

Yeah-those kind of comments aren't especially helpful are they?

It sounds like you do have some kind of problem with food maybe verging on an ED. And when your eating habits have been so chaotic for a long time it can take some time to get back into a regular pattern again-try to get back into some sort of pattern by trying to eat small meals. I would also suggest seeing your doctor....

Reply 7

Zoecb

11

Anonymous

i'm feeling down and worried about my attitude to food. i'm not trying to wind you up, so please don't make me feel guilty!

Well, if you feel you should be eating more maybe guilt would help, lol.

On a more serious note, when you do lose weight your stomach and appetite do get a bit smaller. It's your talk about feeling proud you're not eating and considering making yourself sick that clearly indicates you have eating disorders.

I really don't understand why people are voluntarily sick. Vomiting really disgusts me, when I am ill and throw up I always cry out of sheer distress. I hate it, I feel violated by my own digestive system.

Reply 8

Anonymous #2

It's a twisted satisfaction. Of knowing that you are beating your body, doing something wrong, and that anyone could catch you at it... even if you don't want people to know it's nice to know that they could work it out if they looked closer. I don't understand people who SH because I hate the sight of my own blood but it must be the same sort of release.

Reply 9

Anonymous #1

OP

Zoecb

I really don't understand why people are voluntarily sick. Vomiting really disgusts me, when I am ill and throw up I always cry out of sheer distress. I hate it, I feel violated by my own digestive system.

well, you're lucky to not have that mindset. it's weird, i sort of enjoy being sick. i make myself sick a lot when i have been drinking. if i don't, i worry about how i'll feel the next day. god, i sound like a nutcase now...

do you think i have a problem?

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