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If I leave its over - What should I do?
Hi
I've been with my bf for over a year and a half now. Am due to be goin to uni in sept, its located about 30 odd miles away 4rm where I live and takes about a hour at the most to get there. (45min normally by car)
Originally I said Id commute but now I am thinking about living down there, it would only b 4 my first year in order for me to make new friends and get a little taste of whats its all about. Then for the 2nd and 3rd year I would commute.
When I mentioned this to him though he really wasnt happy and said that we would break up over it if I moved away. We've been together ages and he's the first guy I've ever fallen for & I know he loves me too.
Im confused - Everyone I have spoken to has said that by living in accomodation its so much better to intergrate and get to know people. Thats what I need as in the past year Iv discovered who my true friends are and there is only about 2 mates I hang with now.
He's afraid that I will cheat on him or move on and I can really understand how he feels because I would feel the same. I think though that if we love each other it could work (Although it would be hard) but it looks like he wont be able to cope with me moving away.
Im just afraid that if I dont go then I'll regret it but I dont want to break up.
I know I sound really sad but to break up would hurt so much, particularly if I ever saw him with another girl afterwards.
Any good advice out there? I could do with some help please.
Thanks
I've been with my bf for over a year and a half now. Am due to be goin to uni in sept, its located about 30 odd miles away 4rm where I live and takes about a hour at the most to get there. (45min normally by car)
Originally I said Id commute but now I am thinking about living down there, it would only b 4 my first year in order for me to make new friends and get a little taste of whats its all about. Then for the 2nd and 3rd year I would commute.
When I mentioned this to him though he really wasnt happy and said that we would break up over it if I moved away. We've been together ages and he's the first guy I've ever fallen for & I know he loves me too.
Im confused - Everyone I have spoken to has said that by living in accomodation its so much better to intergrate and get to know people. Thats what I need as in the past year Iv discovered who my true friends are and there is only about 2 mates I hang with now.
He's afraid that I will cheat on him or move on and I can really understand how he feels because I would feel the same. I think though that if we love each other it could work (Although it would be hard) but it looks like he wont be able to cope with me moving away.
Im just afraid that if I dont go then I'll regret it but I dont want to break up.
I know I sound really sad but to break up would hurt so much, particularly if I ever saw him with another girl afterwards.
Any good advice out there? I could do with some help please.
Thanks
Scroll to see replies
Don't give in to ultimatums.. you are right to go, 30 miles is hardly far and it will make it easier for you to form new friendships. How come you and your bf don't trust eachother? Surely he knows really that you won't cheat, just like you know he wouldn't?
Stupid, selfish boyfriend.
No way is that fair hun. Talk to him calmly about it and explain why you want to go. Assure him you won't cheat, try to make him feel at ease.
Whatever you do, don't give in to him. Integration in your freshers year is important.
If he's going to be an irrational, clingy dick after all that, I'd seriously re-evaluate your relationship with him.
No way is that fair hun. Talk to him calmly about it and explain why you want to go. Assure him you won't cheat, try to make him feel at ease.
Whatever you do, don't give in to him. Integration in your freshers year is important.
If he's going to be an irrational, clingy dick after all that, I'd seriously re-evaluate your relationship with him.
Tell him to stop acting like a clingy 15 year old, and grow up.
He is being completely stupid for giving you this ultimatum and should learn to let you breathe a bit. Its university your going to, 1st year is all about having more freedom, getting to know new people and having fun. If he thinks you'll cheat then to be honest all it shows is he doesnt trust you.
He should be supporting a chance for you to grow, not stopping just because of his clingyness.
He is being completely stupid for giving you this ultimatum and should learn to let you breathe a bit. Its university your going to, 1st year is all about having more freedom, getting to know new people and having fun. If he thinks you'll cheat then to be honest all it shows is he doesnt trust you.
He should be supporting a chance for you to grow, not stopping just because of his clingyness.
devils_nose
Don't give in to ultimatums.. you are right to go, 30 miles is hardly far and it will make it easier for you to form new friendships. How come you and your bf don't trust eachother? Surely he knows really that you won't cheat, just like you know he wouldn't?
We do trust each other, he knows I would never cheat on him but he's paranoid that we'll drift apart because we'll never see each other (as opposed to now where we see each other all the time) which he said he couldnt cope with.
Am I being selfish by wanting to have my cake and eat it too?
I dont want to lose out a by not goin to live at uni but I dont want to lose him either. In my opinion if your bf went to the army you'd wait for him right? Then wouldnt this situation be okay as itd only be for a year?
Anonymous
We do trust each other, he knows I would never cheat on him but he's paranoid that we'll drift apart because we'll never see each other (as opposed to now where we see each other all the time) which he said he couldnt cope with.
Am I being selfish by wanting to have my cake and eat it too?
I dont want to lose out a by not goin to live at uni but I dont want to lose him either. In my opinion if your bf went to the army you'd wait for him right? Then wouldnt this situation be okay as itd only be for a year?
Am I being selfish by wanting to have my cake and eat it too?
I dont want to lose out a by not goin to live at uni but I dont want to lose him either. In my opinion if your bf went to the army you'd wait for him right? Then wouldnt this situation be okay as itd only be for a year?
Your not selfish at all, you want to go to experience university life, he just wants you to stay to fufill his childish insecurities. He is having HIS cake and eating it, you just want to have a taste of cake before giving it back to him, and HE ISNT LETTING YOU! *cough*
I am in a university relationship, it works, its long distance, but were happy, and see each other often (and seeing as were further apart as its the holidays this is quite good lol).
I went to the same university as my now ex-boyfriend, and we spent most of first year together and made very few friends, and didn't take advantage of all the social and extracurricular opportunities that university offers. And I bitterly regret that. University is the time and place to try new things and make new friends, and you must take advantage of that. Don't let this guy tie you down, and don't plan your life around him. No matter how much you love someone, you must never plan your life around them - you can never be sure how you'll both grow and change.
**
(edited 12 years ago)
Zoecb
That's ridiculously unreasonable, 30 miles is not far at all. Tell him he's being silly and if he really loved you he wouldn't be making such a fuss.
Exactly.
Anonymous
We do trust each other, he knows I would never cheat on him but he's paranoid that we'll drift apart because we'll never see each other (as opposed to now where we see each other all the time) which he said he couldnt cope with.
Am I being selfish by wanting to have my cake and eat it too?
I dont want to lose out a by not goin to live at uni but I dont want to lose him either. In my opinion if your bf went to the army you'd wait for him right? Then wouldnt this situation be okay as itd only be for a year?
Am I being selfish by wanting to have my cake and eat it too?
I dont want to lose out a by not goin to live at uni but I dont want to lose him either. In my opinion if your bf went to the army you'd wait for him right? Then wouldnt this situation be okay as itd only be for a year?
You are not being selfish, I'm afraid your boyfriend is. You are not moving to the moon, he can come and see you several times a week and every single weekend for very little outlay, you're so close-by still.. you are in the right, so stick to your guns, he will come round
I have the same problem. bf says it wil be over if i go to uni and it will show that i dont mean anything to him. he's being such an ass over it, iv always hated selfishness.
Now hes all of a sudden decided that he will be coming to uni too and we are to stay together.
Im not sure if this is the right thing.
Dont plan your life around him.
Now hes all of a sudden decided that he will be coming to uni too and we are to stay together.
Im not sure if this is the right thing.
Dont plan your life around him.
That's not even a long distance relationship. 
He's being pathetic!
He's being pathetic!I don't see why he has such a problem with it. 45mins- 1 hour really isn't that far away, if I got the bus to my college thats how long it took me and I did that everyday for 2 years! Also my boyfriend has just finished his first year at uni, whilst I was in the last year of college, neither of us drive and it took 4 1/2 hours on the train to get there, but we're still together a year later!
I think he is just being over protective of you, it's not like it's really difficult for him to visit you, and I'm sure he'd have contact with you every day.
Just say to him that you think he's being unreasonable and that it really isn't that far away. If he doesn't like that, then is he really worth all this stress/anger/annoyance (whatever it is your feeling) because he's stopping you from doing something you clearly want to do?
I think he is just being over protective of you, it's not like it's really difficult for him to visit you, and I'm sure he'd have contact with you every day.
Just say to him that you think he's being unreasonable and that it really isn't that far away. If he doesn't like that, then is he really worth all this stress/anger/annoyance (whatever it is your feeling) because he's stopping you from doing something you clearly want to do?
I don't even need to read the rest of the replies to answer this one. He is the one being selfish, not you; and many of us manage with much greater distances and have perfectly fulfilling relationships (my boyfriend and I live in France and England respectively and have been together for 2.5 years, to name just one example that I know of). You really need to talk to him about this, and if he still refuses to see sense, I'd say get rid of the loser.
If he's that worried about the social aspect of it, maybe play it down and tell him that you don't want to have to worry about an hour long commute (plus traffic) just to study every day as well as everything else you need to worry about, that you will visit often and he will visit you etc etc.
You can't let him hold you back though. It's YOUR life.
You can't let him hold you back though. It's YOUR life.
What a selfish idiot, you are so much better than that. If he truely cares he'd let you follow your dreams. For the sake of moving 30 miles he says he is over. Oh well let him be like that, you will be the one who finds someone better if he decides to end it. Don't let him dictate how you life your life, you have to go where it suits you.
Just tell him you are going regardless, really put your foot down and stand your ground, I know how you feel though my ex was the same when I told her I planned to do a degree, hence one reason why she is an ex.
Just tell him you are going regardless, really put your foot down and stand your ground, I know how you feel though my ex was the same when I told her I planned to do a degree, hence one reason why she is an ex.
He's being really selfish, if he loved you he would want what is best for you and living on campus is imo a vital part of uni life and crucial in making friends at uni.
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