The Student Room Group

How should I take this?

My G/F are very serious about marriage.
When it comes to certain parts of married life I have some strict criteria (religiously & personally). I have told her how some of her habbirs and ways I would not like and she has said she will try to change for us.

Any how yesterday she said 'If I knew this before then it may of changed the way things are now' meaning we might of not been together.
So I asked her why are you with me now then and she replied because shes in love with me.

To be honest that maybe true, as if I was to tell her things straight away of how I wanted my wife to be in certain ways she may of ran a mile but the fact after how long we have been together and she had to say it now, kind of hurt me.

She did apologise in the end but she felt she had said nothing wrong initally.
Then she was saying in the future I need to becareful what I say to you and then after a period of 15mins we changed the subject and everything was back to normal but obviously it still hurt that she said that.

Do you think I over reacted?

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Reply 1
If my bf said I had to change so we could be married I would reevaluate whether a marriage between us could work!
Reply 2
Yes, you over reacted.

I assume you pointed out habits of hers you don't like and requested her to change but obviously you do not take into consideration your own faults..of which 2 are hypocrisy and megalomania.

So, you feel 'kind of hurt?'..a relationship is about compromises (in part). Yet you have mentioned no such compromises made by yourself.

Perhaps you should go out and get a slave?

Shes has a right to be annoyed to be honest, you don't. You're lucky she still loves you, but i wouldn;t push it mate.
Reply 3
She has more of a reason to be upset than you have :smile:
Reply 4
Agree with Beya - she has more of a reason to be upset.

I'd like to know what exactly these criteria are that you have so strictly set for your future wife. And WHY you think your future wife should have these qualities and habits...
Reply 5
God, what is wrong with you? Boys like you really irritate me. You will never be men. Ever.
Reply 6
She definitely has a right to be upset. I mean I have no idea what these things are that you want her to change, but the fact is that you were dishonest, you withheld these things from her. This may not be in the same league but imagine if she did something like this to you, say misrepresented her religious beliefs to you, then you fell for her and she revealed the truth. How upset would you be then?

If you have strict criteria, then you should be honest about them upfront. If you keep them hidden, only to spring them on someone after they develop feelings for you, it appears to me like you've trapped the person. This may be intentional or not, but that's how it seems to me.

And maybe your girlfriend is upset that throughout the relationship, she presumed your feelings towards her were unconditional, and now she's found out that in fact there are some "strict criteria" that she doesn't fulfill, and that her worth to you is dependant on her bending to what you want. Perhaps there are things about YOU that she dislikes and would like you to change, but has kept quiet because she has that unconditional love and respect for you. I can't say because I don't know either of you and there's not enough information for me to go on, but it's something to think about.

Bottom line is you appear to have decieved her and yes she has every right to be angry with you.
Reply 7
what would she have to change though?

think you need to point this out to us!
Reply 8
Wow. So, your idea of how your wife should be is the be all and end all? WTF? What about HER? Why are you with her, if you don't already think the world of her?
Reply 9
Segat1
Wow. So, your idea of how your wife should be is the be all and end all? WTF? What about HER? Why are you with her, if you don't already think the world of her?

Firstly I didnt keep anything for her, I always came across as a person with strong beliefs and morals. She knew that and hence its one of the reasons she would want to get married.

The part where you thing one day out of the blue I started saying these criterias is non sense. Before we werent serious there was no need to go into details as we never thought of marriage, but the moment it did I said to her exactly some of the criterias (regarding dress sense) for her to change as it would be hard for me or my family (this was told on day one when we both got serious).

I am not saying she has to be my slave or she has to do everything I ask but they are some criterias that had to be made for marriage and I straight away told her this since we spoke in regards to marriage.
Reply 10
Firearm
Yes, you over reacted.

I assume you pointed out habits of hers you don't like and requested her to change but obviously you do not take into consideration your own faults..of which 2 are hypocrisy and megalomania.

So, you feel 'kind of hurt?'..a relationship is about compromises (in part). Yet you have mentioned no such compromises made by yourself.

Perhaps you should go out and get a slave?

Shes has a right to be annoyed to be honest, you don't. You're lucky she still loves you, but i wouldn;t push it mate.

Oh and as for my own faults, I've always said I will try to become a better person for her and to tell me if you need any aspects of me to change to accomodate with u.
I'd say she was justified in being pissed off with you. Do you really expect to be able to just dictate to her a load of changes you want her to make, and have her accept them all? Basically you're insulting your girlfriend by telling her that she doesn't meet your standards (in which case, why are you going out with her?) and proving that you'd be a poor husband because you think your opinion should be taken as law, demonstrating a lack of tolerance of ability to compromise.
Reply 12
Anonymous
Oh and as for my own faults, I've always said I will try to become a better person for her and to tell me if you need any aspects of me to change to accomodate with u.


Fair enough, but still it is a minefield trying to point out faults in a partner you don't like. But making demands , and lots of them won;t really get anyone far.

Perhaps you should try accepting and tolerating them?
Reply 13
Chumbaniya
I'd say she was justified in being pissed off with you. Do you really expect to be able to just dictate to her a load of changes you want her to make, and have her accept them all? Basically you're insulting your girlfriend by telling her that she doesn't meet your standards (in which case, why are you going out with her?) and proving that you'd be a poor husband because you think your opinion should be taken as law, demonstrating a lack of tolerance of ability to compromise.


I ain't distateing to her, this is a religious law and my idea of marriage is perfecting ones self and religion. I aint insulting her as she follows the same religion so I dont see how I am being a poor husband.
Reply 14
Anonymous
To be honest that maybe true, as if I was to tell her things straight away of how I wanted my wife to be in certain ways she may of ran a mile


and

Firstly I didnt keep anything for her

Which one is the truth because these really do conflict. You're saying on one hand that you did fear in the back of your mind that she'd "run a mile" if you told her straightaway, and then you're sayng you kept nothing from her?

And if you're looking for perfection, you'll be looking a very long time. And if you're religious, shouldn't it be that only God is perfect? I don't know because i'm not religious but i've seen it said by others.
Reply 15
Dress sense? So you are saying you want her to cover up if you are married?

If she doesn't want to change the way she dresses, you can't make her. You have to i) accept her view or ii) move on. So yes, you are overreacting.
Anonymous
I ain't distateing to her, this is a religious law and my idea of marriage is perfecting ones self and religion. I aint insulting her as she follows the same religion so I dont see how I am being a poor husband.


I don't care if it's a religious law, it's still your responsibility that you choose to follow it. Religion isn't an excuse for doing things which would otherwise be considered mean and restrictive.
Reply 17
Anonymous
Firstly I didnt keep anything for her, I always came across as a person with strong beliefs and morals. She knew that and hence its one of the reasons she would want to get married.

The part where you thing one day out of the blue I started saying these criterias is non sense. Before we werent serious there was no need to go into details as we never thought of marriage, but the moment it did I said to her exactly some of the criterias (regarding dress sense) for her to change as it would be hard for me or my family (this was told on day one when we both got serious).

I am not saying she has to be my slave or she has to do everything I ask but they are some criterias that had to be made for marriage and I straight away told her this since we spoke in regards to marriage.



Why would you get serious with someone who acts in a way that's unacceptable to you? Why would you even get close to getting serious? You do, I assume, know that you can't demand that she changes? By having one set of standards for a prospective girlfriend, and a different set of standards for a prospective wife, you've got yourself and her into a terrible pickle.
Reply 18
Its not really a good start to married life to want to change someone. Its likely to cause resentment or arguments down the line when they don't keep things up. I can understand where she is coming from. There were things about my ex that I didn't like but I came to realise that I couldn't make him change to my ideal because that wasn't fair on him.
Reply 19
What religion is this?

You cannot change somebody. You need to learn how to compromise, tolerate and accept. This idea you seem to have that it's perfectly ok to make a list that your future wife needs to meet in order for your marriage to work is silly.

Ironically, it could well be the thing which ruins your marrige.