The Student Room Group

Should I tell her?

Just thought i would post this on here to let it out a bit and to see if anyone could give me any advice, please.
Basically, my Mum's boyfriend has been cheating on my her. I once caught him with another woman a few years ago and my Mum went on to forgive him. Last week I caught him out with the same women again. He had not told my Mum he was with her and they were acting very much as if they were clever. After talking to people that know him I have found out it seems to be common knowledge that he has been seeing this women behind my Mum's back for years. I am sure that this is true too.

Do I tell her? I dont want to hurt her, deep down I think she knows that he is cheating on her. I dont know how to go about telling her if i do, I dont want her to feel as if everyone has been talking and laughing about it behind her back as I was with my Dad at the time when I caught him, which means he knows.

I also dont want to hurt my little brother as he is his Dad. My little brother is disabled so it is hard enough for my Mum as she gets little support from her boyfriend emotionally, physically or financially as he doesnt work and is an alcoholic. He has even gone through my drawers and stolen money from me. Also, if she does split with him i know she will be very upset and have to cope by herself when i move away to uni in september, which would make her feel even more lonely.

Ok, that was very badly structered and was a mess of thoughts, sorry.
Any advice would be appriciated as i am stuggling to live with both of them knowing what i do.
xx
Reply 1
Gosh, it's sad you're in this position :frown:

If it were me, I'd definitely tell my mum. I couldn't bear the sight of any man who would ever dare do that to my mother, I just couldn't let him 'get away with it'. I'd tell her. I understand you don't want to upset your mother and there's your little brother too who will be affected should they split up, but it could be better in the long run.
Reply 2
she gets little support from her boyfriend emotionally, physically or financially as he doesnt work and is an alcoholic

Im surprised he's still around. Sorry but she deserves better than him.

She needs to know, reality might be harsh but it's better than trying to live in a fake bubble.
I know you don't want to hurt her but i think this relationship is hurting her more deep down inside. :smile: Telling her will definately be better for her and everyone else.
What a bastard. He definitely shouldn't be anywhere near your family. I think you do need to tell your mum so that she can make an informed choice. I don't know how you stand the sight of him.
I would ensure that ******** was nowhere near my family again, if I were you...
Reply 5
You have to make a decision based on what you've said. If you do tell your Mum and she splits with him, what would the repercussions be compared to how they are now, or if she found out herself. For you though, you should be off to Uni in September so you will be "out of the loop".

Strictly, its your Mum's relationship and really you shouldn't be messing with it unless he is seriously upsetting her. Having said that, you've mentioned he's an alcoholic, I wonder why he is still around?
Reply 6
You should tell her. She deserves to know what a ******* he is. It's totally unacceptable the way he's treated her, and you and your little brother too, because not only is he cheating on her, he's cheating on you as his step-daughter and his son, and his alcoholism can only be detrimental to the family. The issue here is really how to tell her, because she might not take it well, and if she's taken him back in the past, maybe she will again, but, really, she needs to get out of this relationship, because he sounds like really bad news. Obviously none of us can give you the best advice because we don't know your family situation personally, but from what you've said I think she definitely needs to be told and get rid of this guy. Sit her down gently and explain that you really don't want to have to tell her this but you can't accept what he's doing and that she deserves to know. If she gets rid of him, in time she will be able to find someone else who is actually a decent guy and won't mess her and you around. Explain to her that she deserves better and getting rid of this cheater will allow her to move on and better her life. I hope everything goes ok for you, it sounds like a horrible situation to be in. :hugs:
Reply 7
I'd tell her, and she needs to break up with the guy. She needs her own independence and learn that she can survive without a man. Sounds like she's only with him cus she's lonely, and it's understandable, but it's not healthy considering what kinda guy her bf is.

You could live with her during your uni years? Either commute, or have her move up to where you are at uni and get a house with her. That is a big sacrifice on your part, but at least you will know that your mum is looked after, not lonely and you can watch over her. It's a lot of responsibility, but she's your mum and maybe it's worth considering.
Definitely tell her. Surely her being alone is much better than being with that man? It's going to be a lot worse down the line. The longer she stays with him, the longer she will be emotionally attached, it's better to get it over and done with. :hugs: Hope things will turn out well.
Reply 9
You need to take control of the situation before you drown in it yourself. I can only imagine how hard it must be, but you need to be strong for your mum.
Go to her boyfriend first, tell him if he doesn't tell her, you will. Either way make sure she knows it wasn't just another one off, and has been going on the whole time (or you have reason to believe so), that way she's less inclined to forgive him a second time.
I'll say again you need to be strong for her, make sure whatever happens this ******* is not going to hurt her anymore. Threaten him, tell him you're not an idiot and if he's messing around you'll know about it.
As for him, maybe his alcoholism has something to do with it? If the relationship between them continues (as the cheating aspect needs to be dealt with first), offer to help him seek recovery/help. Even if you don't like him, I'm sure your mum will appreciate your effort even if it doesn't work.
Make sure she knows that even when you've gone to uni, you've not completely vanished and are always on the other end of the phone :smile: