The Student Room Group

shes ruining my life

hi, well i dont think this is an exaggeration to be honest because i do believe that my mum is ruiningg my life. she has depression years back when i was about 9 and shes always kind of been a manic depressive. She doesnt get on with my dad they constantly fight so she has relied on me for years. im getting sick of it now. everytime i want to go out and see my boyfriend she screams at me calling me selfish and threatens to leave for good if i go out. she doesnt want me to go to university because ill be 'leaving' her. she doesnt want me to do anything but just stay at home. i cant deal with that anymore. my friends think im not bothered about seeing them and the other day was the first time i saw my boyfriend in TWO WEEKS because she took 2 weeks off work and expected me to say home with her. im not like normal teens who can go out and have fun with there friends, i always get emotionally blackmailed everytime. Shes interfered in all my past friendships and i dont speak or see anybody who i knew from school because she made me cut all ties with them. i feel isolated and sad and nobody will understand if i tell them because i cant just say ******* you because that will actually push her over the edge. what should i do ? thanks for any help
My mum used to be like that...my advise would be to talk to her.. And if talking to her doesn't help (in my case it didn't) then be a rebel.. I rebelled so much and eventually she gave up..
You can't let even your own mother stop you going to University.
It's incredibly hard when someone you love is that vulnerable, and you're torn between your loyalty to them and your need to look after yourself and have your own life.

At the end of the day, you're doing her no good by getting messed up yourself. If you're going to be able to support her you need to keep your own life and sanity. If I were you I'd sit her down and explain exactly how you're feeling (perhaps preceeded by telling her she might not want to but you'd really like her to just hear you out). DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK FOR HELP, AND DO NOT FEEL GUILTY FOR GIVING YOURSELF SOME CONSIDERATION.
Reply 4
Talk to your friends and let them know the situation, so they'll understand and not desert you for not keeping in touch. Don't cut ties with friends ever again for the sake of your mum - what's she gonna do if you do keep in touch with them? Does she even have to know that you haven't cut ties? You have your own life and you can't be living your mum's life for her and you need friends. By all means support your mum but you can't not have friends. Have you talked to her and maybe suggested some professional counselling? Cus your mum sounds like she needs help urgently and not just from you.
Reply 5
Your mum has put you in an unacceptable position. Does she not have friends/relatives her own age? You are in the "offspring" category, and she is in the "parent" caregory. Whilst I'm not saying that you shouldn't offer support, complete role reversal as this seeems to be is morally unacceptable.

Sounds like her life is so crap that she wants your life to be crap also. Dpont let her have this power over you. How old are you?

Where is your dad?
Reply 6
I feel for you in your situation - It is an exceptionally terrible predicament to be in. A few questions I must ask you - What is your relationship like with your father? How old are you? And also do you have any brothers or sisters?

Depression is a terrible illness and I do not deny the fact that your Mother must find her life difficult however it can be beaten! But it can only be beaten if your mother wants to beat it.

Your have turned from being her source of moral support into her servant.
Your Mother must realise that you are still young with the chance to grow and make something special with your life, obviously your decision to apply to Uni is your first step towards making a better life for yourself.
I am afraid that the time has come for you to be stern and determined - I believe that by standing still and allowing her to overcome & suppress you (i.e. Stop you from seeing your bf, cutting you off from your friends) will only make the situation worse. If you do not act then you may find that one day you will have turned into your Mother - Alone & Depressed.

Try talking to her and stating your feelings/concerns, if she does not listen (And it does sound like she will not) then you must decide what you are going to do. Do NOT let her stop you 4rm seeing your bf and/or friends anymore, go strengthen those relationships! Next time she books 2 weeks off work tell her that you dont mind hanging out with her for a little while but you have your own life as well. If you do hang out then tell her that you both should do something fun, e.g. shopping, cinema, ice skating whatever and STRESS that you will not stay in the house and mope with her.

If all this fails then perhaps you might consider seeking the support from your Dad & possible staying with him (This doesnt have to be 24/7 - perhaps a couple of days in the week) Tell him how you feel, how his arguments with her affect you and also how she makes you feel. He should support you.

You are in a terrible place, and I am not saying turn your back on her because she is your blood after all but at the end of the day you can't help someone who wont help themselves!!!

You must go to University if thats what you want to do and AGAIN STRENGTHEN your relationships with your friends, your boyfriend otherwise one day you may find that they have grown tired of waiting for you and you wont have anyone left.....Like you mother.

You only have one life - LIVE IT! And hopefully your Mother will see sense and follow your lead! It will be hard but no has ever said that life was easy.

Good Luck!!