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I'm a manager who has fallen in love with work colleague Watch

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    I am the team manager of a large social work team. A new social worker has started on the team, he was given the job by myself and two hiring managers. He is 24. I am 37. I noticed he was good looking but I've worked with good looking guys before and it's not been an issue. I have a husband I love at home. We are both gay guys btw.Anyway, I'm a friendly boss, I chat to the team openly and I found myself getting on well with the new social worker. We would have a chat.However, I feel the dynamic has changed between us after he announced he was gay. I hadn't notice until the senior social worker said we both acted like two teenagers in love and said the new guy clearly fancied me. He does make it obvious he fancies me by commenting on my body/face/personality.I've noticed there is now an awkward sexual tension between us. It's like we both know we like each other but neither would ever admit it explicitly as that would be wrong on many levels.I have found myself withdrawing completely. He's been here a year now and I would be lying if I said I hadn't fallen in love. I'm finding it so upsetting. I've now taken to ignoring him completely as I cannot even be in the same room as him without every part of me wanting to pounce on him. I am civil, I mark his work, and give advice where I have to, but he must feel left out. I'm so chatty to everyone else.I love my husband, I don't want to leave him or cheat.The young guy seems sad at work now. I don't think he feels he can come to me for support. It's not fair on him.Today I was invited to a birthday party of one of the social workers and I usually decline all invites but I feel I have to go to this. The young guy is also coming along and there are only 7 of us going.I'm so worried about being around him outside of the office. Last time I tried so hard not to be alone with him that I left him lying in the floor when he fell over a spilt drink. Then I got drunk and talked to him and he stroked my hair before I pulled his hand away. That was my wake up Call and now I honestly can't even speak to Him. His smile is mesmerising. If I have to speak to him outside of the office I might do something I regret and probably be sacked!
    He added me on Facebook and I accepted. He likes a lot of my pictures and I've been liking his. I know I'm being an idiot. I know I need to deal with this but I don't know how.He was speaking about a one night stand and I felt like dying. He kept looking at me while giving the details! He knows I like him, I know he likes me. It's not even liking it's more like we've fallen for each other.What do I do?
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    Damn, this is a hard and tough situations. I sure understand that you are finding it hard and I feel like I have no answer to this. I think the most important part of this is that you have someone else in your life [your husband]. You need to understand that a one night stand or cheating on your husband will be in my views a disaster. You may enjoy the night and I am sure you will do but after that things will turn bad. On top of that you need to thing about your job and that you are his manager. Someone who he should look up to.

    This may sound stupid or maybe its not a good idea but how jealous would you say your husband is? Why? What do you think about talking to your partner about what you feel? In the end of the day he is someone you love and have the opportunity to share your life with. Here is there for you and you are there for him. I am sure it may sound stupid at first or maybe its a stupid idea, who knows.

    Another suggestion I would give you is that if you are outside the office with him... do not drink! Your mind is already thinking about him and if you get drunk then that is a receipt for a nice and amazing disaster.

    I am really sorry if I have not been much of a help. I have to say that you sure are in a very hard situation. I do however wish you all the best and I hope this passes soon


    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I am the team manager of a large social work team. A new social worker has started on the team, he was given the job by myself and two hiring managers. He is 24. I am 37. I noticed he was good looking but I've worked with good looking guys before and it's not been an issue. I have a husband I love at home. We are both gay guys btw.Anyway, I'm a friendly boss, I chat to the team openly and I found myself getting on well with the new social worker. We would have a chat.However, I feel the dynamic has changed between us after he announced he was gay. I hadn't notice until the senior social worker said we both acted like two teenagers in love and said the new guy clearly fancied me. He does make it obvious he fancies me by commenting on my body/face/personality.I've noticed there is now an awkward sexual tension between us. It's like we both know we like each other but neither would ever admit it explicitly as that would be wrong on many levels.I have found myself withdrawing completely. He's been here a year now and I would be lying if I said I hadn't fallen in love. I'm finding it so upsetting. I've now taken to ignoring him completely as I cannot even be in the same room as him without every part of me wanting to pounce on him. I am civil, I mark his work, and give advice where I have to, but he must feel left out. I'm so chatty to everyone else.I love my husband, I don't want to leave him or cheat.The young guy seems sad at work now. I don't think he feels he can come to me for support. It's not fair on him.Today I was invited to a birthday party of one of the social workers and I usually decline all invites but I feel I have to go to this. The young guy is also coming along and there are only 7 of us going.I'm so worried about being around him outside of the office. Last time I tried so hard not to be alone with him that I left him lying in the floor when he fell over a spilt drink. Then I got drunk and talked to him and he stroked my hair before I pulled his hand away. That was my wake up Call and now I honestly can't even speak to Him. His smile is mesmerising. If I have to speak to him outside of the office I might do something I regret and probably be sacked!
    He added me on Facebook and I accepted. He likes a lot of my pictures and I've been liking his. I know I'm being an idiot. I know I need to deal with this but I don't know how.He was speaking about a one night stand and I felt like dying. He kept looking at me while giving the details! He knows I like him, I know he likes me. It's not even liking it's more like we've fallen for each other.What do I do?
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    I think you need to pull yourself together and get over this. You should be able to speak to another adult (even one you like) without acting like a silly school child and you two really need to set some sensible boundaries (why is he talking about ONS to his boss? why did you not talk to him after he stroked your hair?)
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    First of all, keep calm. Don't get stressed or hot-headed about this issue. You needed to think clearly and not love-struck. In bold are the bits that I am most worried about.
    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I am the team manager of a large social work team. A new social worker has started on the team, he was given the job by myself and two hiring managers. He is 24. I am 37. I noticed he was good looking but I've worked with good looking guys before and it's not been an issue. I have a husband I love at home. We are both gay guys by the way. Anyway, I'm a friendly boss, I chat to the team openly and I found myself getting on well with the new social worker. We would have a chat. However, I feel the dynamic has changed between us after he announced he was gay. I hadn't notice until the senior social worker said we both acted like two teenagers in love and said the new guy clearly fancied me. He does make it obvious he fancies me by commenting on my body/face/personality.I've noticed there is now an awkward sexual tension between us. It's like we both know we like each other but neither would ever admit it explicitly as that would be wrong on many levels.I have found myself withdrawing completely. He's been here a year now and I would be lying if I said I hadn't fallen in love. I'm finding it so upsetting. I've now taken to ignoring him completely as I cannot even be in the same room as him without every part of me wanting to pounce on him. I am civil, I mark his work, and give advice where I have to, but he must feel left out. I'm so chatty to everyone else. I love my husband, I don't want to leave him or cheat. The young guy seems sad at work now. I don't think he feels he can come to me for support. It's not fair on him.Today I was invited to a birthday party of one of the social workers and I usually decline all invites but I feel I have to go to this. The young guy is also coming along and there are only 7 of us going. I'm so worried about being around him outside of the office. Last time I tried so hard not to be alone with him that I left him lying in the floor when he fell over a spilt drink. Then I got drunk and talked to him and he stroked my hair before I pulled his hand away. That was my wake up call and now I honestly can't even speak to him. His smile is mesmerising. If I have to speak to him outside of the office I might do something I regret and probably be sacked!
    He added me on Facebook and I accepted. He likes a lot of my pictures and I've been liking his. I know I'm being an idiot. I know I need to deal with this but I don't know how. He was speaking about a one night stand and I felt like dying. He kept looking at me while giving the details! He knows I like him, I know he likes me. It's not even liking it's more like we've fallen for each other. What do I do?
    It seems to be that he doesn't know you're married. You need to get that across.

    You need to gauge if the senior social worker is fully aware of what's going on if they've noticed things as this could prove difficult if the situation spirals.

    I think you need to tell your husband. I presume he is aware of the new employee, but not of your relationship. Play it down, as that you think he has a crush on you and develop from there - that is, if you're not comfortable admitting to being in love with him. Making your husband aware of this is crucial, if the worst comes to the worst (and you sometimes need to think like this), then keeping secrets will not help.

    Now comes the tricky bit. Fundamentally, you are his boss (as you are to all of the others in the team) and then his friend. You shouldn't be fearful of being social with him outside of the workplace: as long as it is with the team. If it would help: try not to get drunk. Drink a bit less, still enjoy yourself and avoid something you might regret.

    I wouldn't have mixed your professional life with social media either. You need to separate the two fields if only for professional conduct. Say you're doing a one month ban on social media (like dry January or movember) - un-add your colleagues and go from there.

    Keep calm, try to get the vibes across that you're not right for each other/ this is a relationship that you shouldn't be having. While you decrease your social interaction, maybe increase your professional contact with him? To demonstrate that work is where you interact and that's it - that might stop the whole I'm ignoring him thing.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I am the team manager of a large social work team. A new social worker has started on the team, he was given the job by myself and two hiring managers. He is 24. I am 37. I noticed he was good looking but I've worked with good looking guys before and it's not been an issue. I have a husband I love at home. We are both gay guys btw.Anyway, I'm a friendly boss, I chat to the team openly and I found myself getting on well with the new social worker. We would have a chat.However, I feel the dynamic has changed between us after he announced he was gay. I hadn't notice until the senior social worker said we both acted like two teenagers in love and said the new guy clearly fancied me. He does make it obvious he fancies me by commenting on my body/face/personality.I've noticed there is now an awkward sexual tension between us. It's like we both know we like each other but neither would ever admit it explicitly as that would be wrong on many levels.I have found myself withdrawing completely. He's been here a year now and I would be lying if I said I hadn't fallen in love. I'm finding it so upsetting. I've now taken to ignoring him completely as I cannot even be in the same room as him without every part of me wanting to pounce on him. I am civil, I mark his work, and give advice where I have to, but he must feel left out. I'm so chatty to everyone else.I love my husband, I don't want to leave him or cheat.The young guy seems sad at work now. I don't think he feels he can come to me for support. It's not fair on him.Today I was invited to a birthday party of one of the social workers and I usually decline all invites but I feel I have to go to this. The young guy is also coming along and there are only 7 of us going.I'm so worried about being around him outside of the office. Last time I tried so hard not to be alone with him that I left him lying in the floor when he fell over a spilt drink. Then I got drunk and talked to him and he stroked my hair before I pulled his hand away. That was my wake up Call and now I honestly can't even speak to Him. His smile is mesmerising. If I have to speak to him outside of the office I might do something I regret and probably be sacked!
    He added me on Facebook and I accepted. He likes a lot of my pictures and I've been liking his. I know I'm being an idiot. I know I need to deal with this but I don't know how.He was speaking about a one night stand and I felt like dying. He kept looking at me while giving the details! He knows I like him, I know he likes me. It's not even liking it's more like we've fallen for each other.What do I do?

    You need to explain to him that nothing can ever happen between you because you have a husband that you love and you can never have a one night stand either and also tell him you can never be alone with him so that he understands and does not feel sad and left out at work as it is better to explain all these things rather than ignoring him and not helping him if he falls over. If your friendly to everyone at work but not him
    that will make him feel like **** and he might want to quit so you should stop doing that too as you would not like it if someone ignored you, nobody would.
    But you can still talk to him at work and flirt as this is harmless and have a laugh just make sure you are never left alone with him and if you have your own small office always keep the door open and don't go anywhere near the broom cupboard so there is no temptation. If you have to socialize with all the colleagues after work don't go in the toilet alone with him, don't share a cab home with him so as long as you try to make sure you are never left alone with him there will be no temptation and you won't have to decline invitations from collegues just because he will be there. It's perfectly fine to flirt with someone else as long as it's not in front of your partner and as long as you don't cross the line by kissing or having sex with someone else.

    Don't ever have a one night stand because that is disgusting, disrespectful to your husband and shows lack of respect for yourself and if he suggests it again just put him in his place nicely by saying you would never cheat on your husband.
    I think it's nice that you are so adamant that you will never cheat, and don't want to leave your husband. It shows good morals. It's a shame there are not more people in the world like you but even if you did slip up i still would not have a go at you for it because we are only human and we all make mistakes.
    But stop avoiding him and just have fun flirting back, you will enjoy your job more if you stop worrying and thinking you need to keep your distance from him.
    The only thing you need to do is just avoid being alone with him that's all and that is not hard to do as long as you stay in a room full of people.
    It must be very flattering that you know he likes you but you have to learn how to handle restraint by being around him and not giving in to temptation as trying to avoid him won't work and you will both feel bad but making sure you are never alone with him is the easiest and only option. So you can still go to all the functions outside of work with all the work colleagues but not if he invites you to go for a drink alone. You should not ignore him either because that's cruel.
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    This advice has been amazing so thank you everyone who replied.

    I've kept my door open in my office after the advice on here and I make sure I'm not alone with him.

    It's hard as I have feelings for him. If I didn't have a husband I would pursue it but I do.
    I'm starting to feel better already though. It's really not worth losing a soulmate for a six pack!
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    I am the team manager of a large social work team. A new social worker has started on the team, he was given the job by myself and two hiring managers. He is 24. I am 37. I noticed he was good looking but I've worked with good looking guys before and it's not been an issue. I have a husband I love at home. We are both gay guys btw.Anyway, I'm a friendly boss, I chat to the team openly and I found myself getting on well with the new social worker. We would have a chat.However, I feel the dynamic has changed between us after he announced he was gay. I hadn't notice until the senior social worker said we both acted like two teenagers in love and said the new guy clearly fancied me. He does make it obvious he fancies me by commenting on my body/face/personality.I've noticed there is now an awkward sexual tension between us. It's like we both know we like each other but neither would ever admit it explicitly as that would be wrong on many levels.I have found myself withdrawing completely. He's been here a year now and I would be lying if I said I hadn't fallen in love. I'm finding it so upsetting. I've now taken to ignoring him completely as I cannot even be in the same room as him without every part of me wanting to pounce on him. I am civil, I mark his work, and give advice where I have to, but he must feel left out. I'm so chatty to everyone else.I love my husband, I don't want to leave him or cheat.The young guy seems sad at work now. I don't think he feels he can come to me for support. It's not fair on him.Today I was invited to a birthday party of one of the social workers and I usually decline all invites but I feel I have to go to this. The young guy is also coming along and there are only 7 of us going.I'm so worried about being around him outside of the office. Last time I tried so hard not to be alone with him that I left him lying in the floor when he fell over a spilt drink. Then I got drunk and talked to him and he stroked my hair before I pulled his hand away. That was my wake up Call and now I honestly can't even speak to Him. His smile is mesmerising. If I have to speak to him outside of the office I might do something I regret and probably be sacked!
    He added me on Facebook and I accepted. He likes a lot of my pictures and I've been liking his. I know I'm being an idiot. I know I need to deal with this but I don't know how.He was speaking about a one night stand and I felt like dying. He kept looking at me while giving the details! He knows I like him, I know he likes me. It's not even liking it's more like we've fallen for each other.What do I do?
    Hmmm it happens

    But I'm glad you're resisting tempation (unusual for gays they say) so you obviously love your husband. Keep thinking to yourself a quick **** with this sexy guy worth it? Your husband won't know but you will and he, plus your conscience won't allow it

    I'd act professionally as you have or just avoid him or better still explain to him? Perhaps he'll stop his flirting

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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This advice has been amazing so thank you everyone who replied.

    I've kept my door open in my office after the advice on here and I make sure I'm not alone with him.

    It's hard as I have feelings for him. If I didn't have a husband I would pursue it but I do.
    I'm starting to feel better already though. It's really not worth losing a soulmate for a six pack!
    You have been able to make my night after hearing that you are feeling a bit better. I have to say the following sentence you said yourself, "It's really not worth losing a soulmate for a six pack!" summarises the situation very well. And it sure sounds hard
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    This advice has been amazing so thank you everyone who replied.

    I've kept my door open in my office after the advice on here and I make sure I'm not alone with him.

    It's hard as I have feelings for him. If I didn't have a husband I would pursue it but I do.
    I'm starting to feel better already though. It's really not worth losing a soulmate for a six pack!
    With a situation of this complexity and magnitude, you need to last it out. There is no quick fix, just a long term solution of the right relationships in the right places.
 
 
 
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