Should I give him an ultimatum?

Sorry for the long story! :redface:

I've been seeing a guy for about a month and a half. I'm currently out of the country but expect to see him when I get back. I really like him, and he has told me he likes me as well, but due to a bad breakup (his ex cheated on him), he is wary of getting into another relationship at this point in time. However, he told me this very early on when we started seeing each other and said that with time he expects to be more willing to trust someone.

Well, he also (obviously :rolleyes:

) wants to take it to the next level physically. I am not comfortable having sex with anyone unless we are exclusively dating. So I told him I'm hesitant to have sex with him because of my feelings for him. He just said OK and that he's a good guy who doesn't want to disrespect me but didn't elaborate. And the other problem is that I feel bad dating other guys at the same time as him because of his issues with fidelity and trust (I am 99% sure he is not seeing anyone other than me).

Anyway, I feel like I need to know which way things will go and give him an ultimatum. I want to say, "Either you date me exclusively and we see if a relationship will work between us, or let's just part ways and be friends." I do still want to date him but I feel like I am selling myself short. But is it way too early for me to tell him something like that? And should I be seeing other guys in the meantime as well or do you think that's a bad idea? I'm very confused :confused:

Reply 1

Dionysus

15

Do it! Better than being in limbo forever, isn't it?

Reply 2

Talya

16

If the thought enters your mind that it is a bad idea or you aren't ready, DON'T do it. Play it safe.

Talk to him about your feelings instead of issuing an ultimatum :smile:

Reply 3

brak3n

13

Giving an ultimatum makes it seem like a threat.
I would recommend thinking about how you phrase what you're going to say to him, otherwise he may feel as though you're putting too much pressure on him on the spot, and bail out.

Reply 4

devils_nose

10

Ultimatums are never a good idea, not very fair to force him to make a decision one way or another before he is ready. Talk to him, if you are not happy with the pace of your relationship but he is not ready to commit to you then I think its dead in the water anyway!

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

OK so you think it's better just to talk about my feelings instead of telling him to make a firm decision?

But I'm wondering if I should keep dating other guys...I dunno. I'd feel so terrible seeing other guys at the same time as seeing him, but I don't want to miss out meeting someone more emotionally stable than him, even though I like him so much :frown:

Reply 6

D-503

1

I've never understood the idea of an ultimatum in relationships. I could understand his reluctance to tie himself down again so quickly, but equally it isnt fair on you for him to see other girls. I have never heard of people doing that, and it will inevitably lead to one of you getting hurt. Talk to him, tell him you like him and you dont want him to see other girls. If he doesnt agree, I think you should move on. You deserve better. But dont present it as an ultimatum, one way or another, you should find out his true feelings.

Reply 7

khil

15

Anonymous

OK so you think it's better just to talk about my feelings instead of telling him to make a firm decision?

But I'm wondering if I should keep dating other guys...I dunno. I'd feel so terrible seeing other guys at the same time as seeing him, but I don't want to miss out meeting someone more emotionally stable than him, even though I like him so much :frown:

Then tell him that and say what's on your mind. Don't force him to make up his mind this instant, but do tell him that you wanna be exclusive instead because it's confusing you.

Reply 8

silverbolt

19

hmmm im sceptical it sounds very much that hes using his insecurity as an excuse not to be exlusive so he can play the field but still have you as a safety net. If the relationship isnt exclusive its not cheating.

Whilst an ultimatum may not be the best idea you need to let your feelings known

Reply 9

Anonymous #2

I was in a similar situation (Sorry for anon but people know me on here and I don't want them knowing how I felt about this because the reality was quite different from perceptions). I thought it would be fine and I was being understanding, I went ahead and slept with him anyway, and it all ended in tears. I may be sceptical because of the way this guy treated me after all his bull**** about being hurt from a past relationship, (he decided to exercise the seeing other people thing and ended up dating her for real) but I suspect if he won't commit to you he wont ever commit to you, and you'll be stuck in this limbo until you find the strength to get out. (Word of warning, though he's apparently now dating this girl 'exclusively' he's not.)

Reply 10

username47781

20

Tell him no, you will not go onto the next stage unless you are going out, do not let him have his way.

Should I give him an ultimatum?

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