Im a disgusting cheat (really long sorry!)

My boyfriend of pretty much a year has been away for the last 3 months travelling, a month of which I spent with him in NZ which was amazing. He doesnt get back till my birthday in September, which is right before we both go off to Uni (same uni = coincidence)

I love him so so much - Im absolutely crazy about him, and I really see him being the one. We were best best friends before hand and he knows everything about me, just like I think I know everything about him. I honestly never thought I would or could do anything to hurt him.

However, last night I got really drunk, really really really drunk and in doing so kissed my sports coach from my old school, as he tried to carry me home. It was gross and Id thrown up already and in general it was just not what I wanted to do, not saying that I hadnt fancied this guy so so so much before, but just saying that I didnt want to kiss him then. This isnt so wierd, considering when we met I was doing alevels, and we've always hung round together etc.

The only problem is, I know it didnt mean anything. I kiss all my friends on the mouths, and we'd just been larking around earlier, we just went a bit futher than I honestly should of. I do still fancy him a bit, but I didnt mean to kiss him at all.

In the past, when things have gone wrong (e.g. boyfriend emailing ex loads etc me getting jealous) we've always discussed things and got thru things by talking things thru. But tbh Id forgive him for most things and he's normally the one that does stupid things/says stupid things.
Until he went to S.america last week we'd spoken every day for over 2 years so I really dont think that Ive ever not told him anything before.

However, before when we've discussed things my boy has always said that he would never want to see me again if I ever cheated on him (which lets be honest I guess I just did, although it is just one little kiss...). I really cant lose him - he's my best friend as well as my boyfriend, and I cant imagine what id do without him.

There's also no way that he'd find out about it.

Is it really that bad for me not to tell him about this one kiss and to just put it behind me and pretend it never happened?

I know that on occassions he's edited stuff thats happened travelling out for my benefit, but equally I know that he's not got with anyone else or anything either and I know that he wouldnt, so maybe when he gets back (in 2 months) I should just not say anything or act any different (I mean I know things wont be exactly the same when he gets back anyway after so long apart). And isnt it sort of mean to tell him anyway.

Thirdly, maybe Im just making a big deal out of nothing. Its one small 30 second long snog and its not like i shagged someone else or anything..

Part of me tho thinks that Im making up excuses for myself and I should just tell him but how? He wont have access to a phone for 3 weeks, and isnt it really harsh to do it thru email?

HELP PLEASE! :frown:

So basically guys (well done you if you've read all this!) what should I do?

Tell him and hurt him and risk our good relationship we've really worked on or not tell him and feel guilty and have a relationship based on lies?

p.s. please dont have a go at me. Ive been up since 6am, having gone to bed at 5am. I cant stop shaking and I know Ive been a total cow and shouldnt have kissed someone else.

Reply 1

HereFishyFishy

13

I'll probably get flamed for this but, quite simply, don't tell him.
If you are as sorry as you sound and it was totally a one-off there's no point in ruining it all.
If you did it again then, yes, you're a big cow. But if you're sure it's not going to, just forget it.
Yes you'll feel guilty - and you kind of deserve to - but it will pass with time.

Edit: One thing though - 30 seconds is quite a long time really. Think long and hard about any problems you need to discuss with him.

Reply 2

Goodkat

Personally I would not tell him and just try to forget it ever happened. By the title I assumed you had intercourse with someone else, but just a kiss; I mean it's not the end of the world is it?

Reply 3

rottcodd

3

I also wouldn't bother telling him, but it really depends how you feel. When he gets back, don't tell him for a month or so. If you feel it's eating you up, and there's a voice in your head going 'I need to tell him', then tell him. But don't tell him because of some preconceived moral that 'All relationships should be completely honest'. If you don't want to tell him, then don't. If you think you do, then do. It depends on your level of guilt.

And in the meantime, work on not getting so drunk that you kiss old sports coachers!

Reply 4

jumpinglunch

13

Tell him it was only a kiss,but explain that you were really drunk and you still love him.I'm sure he'll understand.

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

OP

Wow y'all replied so fast. Thank you so so much!

I definately dont want to tell him, I dont want to hurt him and I dont see that he has to know.

Exactly - it wasnt sex and so I dont think its a very big deal, but yeh it was a full blown kiss, and yeh i kissed him back so I know im not totally innocent.

Its just a really hard decision, because it seems like most people from the limited poking around I did at work think that you HAVE to tell.

Reply 6

sophisticated

17

Laces

I'll probably get flamed for this but, quite simply, don't tell him.
If you are as sorry as you sound and it was totally a one-off there's no point in ruining it all.
If you did it again then, yes, you're a big cow. But if you're sure it's not going to, just forget it.
Yes you'll feel guilty - and you kind of deserve to - but it will pass with time.

Edit: One thing though - 30 seconds is quite a long time really. Think long and hard about any problems you need to discuss with him.

I agree, dont tell your boyfriend.
If you honestly regret it, know it wont happen again and that it didnt mean anything, then why does your bf need to know?
However, if theres quite a good chance of your bf finding out another way, then I would tell him...better coming from you than someone else.

Reply 7

Trigger

18

i agree dont tell him and stop beating yourself up about it

Reply 8

Goodkat

Anonymous

Wow y'all replied so fast. Thank you so so much!

I definitely dont want to tell him, I dont want to hurt him and I dont see that he has to know.

Exactly - it wasnt sex and so I dont think its a very big deal, but yeh it was a full blown kiss, and yeh i kissed him back so I know im not totally innocent.

Its just a really hard decision, because it seems like most people from the limited poking around I did at work think that you HAVE to tell.

Of course you don't have to tell him. People love to take the moral highground when it is someone else; I bet all of them would not be so fast to spill the beans were they the ones involved.

Reply 9

username47781

20

It could have been worse not it makes it any better, perhaps watch what you drink in future, to avoid getting yourself in these sorts of situations.

Reply 10

Lateralus

1

I can't help but feel if this was a bloke he'd have got lynched on here.

Reply 11

Goodkat

Lateralus

I can't help but feel if this was a bloke he'd have got lynched on here.

Well I would have been exactly the same; it is just a drunken kiss and if they regret it as much as the OP obviously does then why screw up a good relationship for nothing?

Reply 12

Rennie

1

If I were you, I'd not tell him. Personally, I think if it was a drunken kiss then it can't have meant very much anyway.

Yes, you shouldn't have done it but, no, it's not worth risking your relationship over. It was just a stupid kiss and if you feel it didn't mean anything then it's really not important.

Just be careful when drinking in the future and make sure you never do something like this again.

Reply 13

khil

15

Tell him. I know for one I personally cannot bear to lie to my boyfriend, because we've been so honest about absolutely everything with each other - I simply couldn't bear to lose that level of honesty and trust. I guess it's easier for me though cus my bf has always told me whether he forgives me if I ever cheated would depend on whether it's a one-off or long-term-behind-his-back cheating.

You might end up living with the guilt forever though, and the longer you leave it, the worse it will be.

Reply 14

Trigger

18

so she should risk everything because of one idiot drunken kiss ^o) one that she didnt even want!

Reply 15

shady lane

16

Don't tell him. It will make him feel like crap and he will constantly wonder if he can trust you again, which frankly I think would be unreasonable in the circumstances. The only reason for telling him is to make yourself feel better about your guilt. Well, you shouldn't feel too guilty because you were extremely drunk (having thrown up) and you regret it. Just move on and don't do it again.

Reply 16

kaylewhale

I dont get why you don't put yourself in your bf's position- would you want to know if he did the same to you?

Reply 17

rottcodd

3

kaylewhale

I dont get why you don't put yourself in your bf's position- would you want to know if he did the same to you?

Yeah she probably would, but that hypothetical question implies that she would have the ability to choose to know about it. If she was in his situation, she wouldn't be able to choose to know about it or not because she wouldn't know about it anyway!

Reply 18

Ruaidhri

Agree with Shady, just ditch telling him, especially if he is really repulsed by any idea of cheating. Its easy to say dont do it again, but you did it anyway the first time despite not wanting to. If it happens again, I probably still wouldnt tell him, that is, if theyre only kisses.

Reply 19

HereFishyFishy

13

kaylewhale

I dont get why you don't put yourself in your bf's position- would you want to know if he did the same to you?

Well, if the circumstances were the same, I wouldn't want to know.

Im a disgusting cheat (really long sorry!)

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