I know where you're coming from with this. I've never actually thrown up but used other methods of purging (I'm not about to give anyone any ideas!) which left me worse for wear, etc., etc.. But I keep getting these feelings of temptation to throw up, and find I physically can't do it when I get to the toilet (however, I'm getting closer and closer to the toilet recently, so I would not be surprised if I actually did it). I feel like a failure too, when I can't throw up. I just sit there, crying, in tears, because of the amount I've just eaten and the fact that I'm not doing anything about it. But I also feel like a failure because I went that far, you know?
I think I'm repulsive. I know I am. And whilst I know that in my heart of hearts that my eating habits and thoughts are not healthy, that I need to stop them, the thought of me looking like I do now actually disgusts me.