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Emotional Wreck...Long Post

Anon because i use my username on many forums and i can be traced.

Lately i have been getting upset over stupid things, i have started analyising everything and coming to bad conclusions and its getting me down. And things came to a head today when i faked illness to leave work because i kept bursting into tears at my desk.

I have a lot going on in my life at the moment, im in a temporary job that is socially crippling...i am alone day with no one to talk to, and i hate it, im ususally very outgoing and talkative.

Im about to leave for uni, but i keep thinking i dont wana go im not going to be able to cope, what if i dont make any friends, becuase im the type of person who doesnt seem to be able to make proper real friends, i have no best friend, and a very ropey group i see occasionally i class as my friends. Also i worry that i am not going to do well at Uni, i feel immense pressure to suceed, becuase thats all i have done all my life but i know my course is hard and competitive. And my mum is giving me a hrad time becuase she doesnt want me to go, or she wants to me to stay at home and travel which is out of the question. But the other side of my familyt are pushing me to go and do well, im the 1st in my entire family both sides to go to uni and i dont want to let anyone down. I have a very poor relationship with my other and we dont talk much, in fact we dont hug or anyhting, i dont tell her anything about my lfie i bottle it up because she would either make a big deal about it and tell everyone or just be in a random mood for me..she does that alot

Im also worrying about my relationship constantly i have this big fear my boyfriend doesnt love me and wats to leave me or cheat on me despite the fact he reassures me eevryday how much he loves me and even talks about marriage etc..but i think this stesm from the fact bad past relationships, and there is only 1 couple in my family who are together if you get what i mean. I havent rellay had an example of a stable loving relationship just lying and cheating which makes me have no faith in love, which i know is stupid because my boyfriend is loving and perfect most of the time, but the only problem is i cant talk to him, he hates opening up, and i so emotionless at times it hurts me, our relationship has had many ups and downs, and due to my jealousy he has lost a lot of female friends and the guilt just eats me up. I do try to make an effrot not to be so difficlut but it goes un acknowledged. I know he is getting sick if it now, and i should realise after nearly 3 years its me he wants.

And finally im in court next week for something im not guilty (driving accidnet, long story) of but i have to plead guilty because i cant afford legal representation and i cant get legal aid, plus ive had a lot of hassle for it already including harrassment and i cant cope with much more of it so anything for a quiet life

I just feel like my world is crashing down around me and i have nobody to turn to, im not saying imsuicidal i dont have the guts to that and i coulnt bear the thought of taking the cowards way out, but stupidly i did take paracaetmol ealrier and now am drinking vodka (dumb i know i have been sick now so it wont effect me)

I think i just needed to get all my feelings out before these thoguhts turn to depression. I just really want a fresh start in my life but dont know where to begin. I did truy and talk to my boyfriend about it but he has his own problems atm, and he is going out tonight so dont want to ruin his night out

Sorry for the long post i just didnt know where else to turn

Reply 1

username47781

First off are you seeking any sort of help for this.

On the boyfriend front, I don't want to scare you but if you keep thinking he will cheat it will only drive him away from you, especially if you keep bombarding him with texts and calls to check up on him. At the end of the day you need to have a little faith in him, if ever he has a night out without you, it does not mean he will cheat on you.

I know drink is an easy way out to dull the pain, but it will not solve your problems. I would suggest going to your GP and maybe he will refer you to a counsellor or you could phone the samaraitans, they are normally quite good.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

He is out tonight and so far so good, no dramtic cheating texts sent, infact my phone is turned off in the drawer to try and prove to him i am making an effort. I dont really want to bring my GP into this as i already have a lot of medical history and i have been referrd to someone before and it didnt help, instead they shattered my ambitions and dreams

Reply 3

Murali

Please dont turn to alcohol, it makes things worse. honest.

When i feeel like things are really getting outta hand i just list whats wrong on a piece of paper, and it helps me see whats wrong. and then i go and talk to people concerning that problem. it seems to work.

Talking really does help. On the bf front, its hard to let go and trust someone but once you realise that their truly there for you the world seems a completely different place, and all is good :biggrin:

but i think that its upto you to overcome your demons.

Finally, along with the no alcohol, make sure that u give due attention to ur uni work. stop thinkin about the future, it doesnt help, it never does, i know from experience, focus on now, and what u can do.

life has ups and downs, and all you can do is keep ur chin up :smile:

i hope some of this helps :smile:

Reply 4

2nd2god

Dont worry things will pick up
Just try not to put yourself down too much, for a start taking pills and drinking will only make you dependant on it and will make you feel worse in the long run
Also have faith in your boyfriend after 3 years with you hes hardly going to cheat and i think that if hes talking about marriage he must love you
Im sure if you tell your boyfriend how you feel apart from the bit about you think he might cheat, he would help you out.
Also if you find your job so distressing whats stopping you from getting a job where theres people to talk to.
Dont try and become overpressurised about suceeding in university, just try your hardest while making sure you dont over work yourself
I hope what i said helps abit :smile:

Reply 5

Saffie

You sound stressed :hugs:

. I know work can be soul-destroying and the thought of uni is terrifying!

I promise uni isn't as scary as it seems. You WILL make friends. You will do do fine academically (they wouldn't let you in if you weren't clever enough!). And life will seem a lot better.

RE: The court appearance. There must be someone you can turn to for representation? Do you really need representation/legal aid to plead not guilty? (Sorry, I know nothing about it) Surely you can tell the court that you cannot pay for it and someone has to help? Write to the council or something? It seems very unjust.

It'll all be ok in the end. Even if you have to plead guilty, it's not the end of the world, you'll soon forget about it. ;yes; Hopefully this is one of the times when the "it'll seem better in the morning" saying is applicable! :smile:

Reply 6

Anonymous #1

I really cant get any help with the court thing. Im just accept what they give me, you cant win agaisnt the police anyway. Although i have never been arrested etc

My job is a temporary role i can leave it but if i do that i will have no money, and wouldn't bother getting out of bed in the mornings making things worse

And i feel i can no longer talk to my boyfriend, He has his own life with a lot going on in it at the moment, and i dont want to burden him with my problems, i mean i did attempt a cry for help with him today but to no avail so im not going to bother trying talking to him for fear of him resenting me for the fact i have so much crpa going on and wanting to drag him into it. He has already said to me he has his own problmes without having mine too so i feel i have worn out that resource.

Feel stupid now for thinking vodka would help becuase i have now woke up feeling crappy, and sick, and i cant get back to sleep even though i have to be up early so in a way i have made things 10 times worse. Thanks to all your replys.

Reply 7

KarlZ

I can very much relate to what you are going through:

About a year back i sunk into this haze of depression whereby i was constantly weepy, angry, unsure of my future with regard to uni and felt this massive pressure to do well because it was expected of me. I took a gap year from school, got a job dn I must say it is a crap one and I after many things i found myself with a limited no of friends! Take this plus arguements with your man amongst many other things and you are bound to feel like life is unfair and totally out of your control! Ive been there.

The thing is as hard as it is to realise there is light at the end of the tunnel!
Lets take a good look at this as everything is fixable but you must WANT to fix and I believe deep down you do: -

1) Do NOT turn to alcohol - It is an enemy when drunk for the wrong reasons such as numbing your pain. You will just feel worse, emotionally and physically and it will only bring down your bank balance.

2)Your job - A pain in the arse i knw but things of the positives! Come Sept you will be able to finish there, plus you will have gained experience and references meaning that you will have increased chance of getting a part time job to help fund your uni lifestyle. Plus its a great of savign for the time being. Have you thought about a little holiday (if possible) for you and your man? Or perhaps a mini facial or beauty treatment in the week? It would not be a time for pampering and relaxing but also will make you feel better about yourself. (TIP try visiting a local college where the treatments are cheaper)

3) University - Forget what your family or your Mother say, if you go to University it is because YOU want to and because YOU have decided that you want something good out of life and this is YOUR way of achieving it. DO NOT be pressured and most importantly do NOT pressure yourself. By taking a step back and trying to relax and not become stressed you have half won the battle already! If you want something you will achieve it - You KNOW you can do it girl!

4) Your Mother - You obviuosly want to have a better relationship with your mum. It will take a bit of effort but I see no reason why you could not improve your relationship. Sit her down one day and state how you feel i.e. your not as close as you would to be. Admit to her that you want to confide in her but that if you did you want her to promise to keep it to herself. Then explain (You dont have to tell her everything) how down you have been feeling lately and that you would like her support as it would mean a lot to you. She should be supportive and hopefully eager to have a closer bond with you.

5) Friends - Dont think of University as one big hard challenge but also as an opportunity to meet and make new friends. Remember that everyone that year is in the same boat and the majority have the same fears about nto making friends etc. Definitley get involved with as many things that interest you - Join societies, sports clubs, volunteer groups - Anything that interests you! If you are living there then you will also meet people in your halls as well as on your course. Dont be afrais they wont bite, make the effort and hide your shyness/low confidence, be happy and friendly and things will take their natural course! The same thing applies when you are at home, make an effort and join some classes e.g. yoga, youth club etc and even consider getting in contact with sme of your old friends from school or ask your boyfriends to introduce you to some of his female friends. It will seem daunting but nothing is impossible! BE POSITIVE!!

6) Your Boyfirend - You have gotten yourself into a habit but any bad habit is totally breakable if you want and try hard to break it!! Nothing cant be fixed. You have been togetehr for 3 years...thats pretty long in my book and lets be honest with each other if he didnt honestly cared for you then he would have left you by now. Lets create this mantra that whnever you have an unreasonable or worrying thought that he might cheat on you, you will repeat to yourself that you are tryign to make this work, he loves you, you love him and you dont want to push him away by acting irrationally.
If you think that he might not love you, tell you love him and he should say it back. Try being more affectionate, (Be careful not to suffocate him mind, lol) and be prepared to trust him. It will be hard but it will improve your relationship no end. Hopefully this will get him to open up more and you will be able yo have more in-depth discussions about your relationship.

7) Driving Accident - As you have said yourself that there isnt anything you can do about it then you must let it go. Remember that sometimes in life bad things can happen but that they are not the end of the worls. Take this as a learning experience. Hopefully the worst that wil happen is that you will get a fine and kepp your licence. Remember to make sure you pay for legal representation next time you take out your insurnace and shop around for the best deal. If at all possible ask your family if they would rally round and donate some money to help you protest your innocence because honey thats what family are for and if they say no at least you have asked! You will look back in six months to a year and think of this as a distant memory!!

8) You can do it - Even if your not happy think happy thoughts! I do believe you should go back to your GP and seek advice. You will not be bothering hijm/her - Thats what they are there for and thats what they get PAID for! Your health is too important. I spoke to a councillor when I felt depressed and it worked. A councillor doesnt perofmr miracles they provide you with the tools to help you to make yourslef feel like a better person. Yous ay one shattered your dreams if this happens again asked to be referred to another one and remember that there are many organisations such as the samaritan s etc who are more than willing to listen to you speak whats on your mind.

You can do it - Good Luck!!!
Post to let us know how you are getting on!!

Reply 8

Laus

Excellent advice Karlz. What a great person :smile:

Reply 9

AverageGuyOnTheStreet

I want to echo the advice that people have given about alcohol.

Whilst it might seem a good to turn to drink when you have problems, it is never the answer. Last November, I was miserable on my course and decided to get an internal transfer to study the subject I was far more interested in. I felt like a failure for not sticking out a course I hated, but I went ahead with my transfer request regardless. I was told I wouldn't hear anything until the new year so waited with anticipation, but needed something to get me through the rest of 2006. I went out drinking every night for a week, got stupidly drunk and could forget about everything for a while. But the next day my problems were back with a vengeance. I had constant hangovers, couldn't stop crying, and practically gave up on my course. I hated what I had become but I was only happy when I was drinking so went back to the alcohol. Then, whilst I was out drinking on the Friday night, I decided that enough was enough. I was no longer happy when I was drinking and I ended up having a massive mental breakdown. Two days later I nearly died and had to go to hospital. I couldn't believe how stupid I had been. But I was too ashamed to get help. I continued drinking, but never as much. In April, I gave up drinking completely after I nearly went down the same route again.

But I would recommend something like counselling to get over your problems as it sounds like you have a lot on your plate. I hope you feel better soon. :hugs:

Reply 10

sparkle86

Hey. I feel like i'm going through the same thing. I'm so down. PM me so we can chat. x

Reply 11

Anonymous #1

Thanks for all your help, especially karlz..

I did have legal cover with my car insurance btw...but small print and clauses are a pain when they are hidden till you need the help, and i dont think i could ask my family for £3000 especailly when they are helping to set me up for uni already.

Im one of those people that cant tell people if that makes sense. I mean i appear tough and confident on the outside and refuse to let people see my sensitive vunerable side, and i dunno i feel like i cant start changing who i am to get the help its weird.

You have all been really helpful and i have arranged a meeting with a counseller at work so hopefully talking things through with someone who expects nothing of me can help.

I would like a better relationship with my other but i dont think now is the best time atm, perhaps a couple of months

Reply 12

KarlZ

Thats great! Your taking your first step!
Good luck and remember to be POSITIVE! You can do it and you WILL succeed!
xxx

Reply 13

L i b

If life seems jolly rotten,
There's something you've forgotten,
And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.
When you're feeling in the dumps,
Don't be silly chumps.
Just purse your lips and whistle.
That's the thing.
And...

Always look on the bright side of life.
do do.... do do do do do do.

Reply 14

L i b

Anonymous

I really cant get any help with the court thing. Im just accept what they give me, you cant win agaisnt the police anyway. Although i have never been arrested etc

*******s, the majority who plead not guilty get off.

If you're not guilty and can present a decent case, then just stand up and do it yourself. I don't understand why you don't qualify for legal aid if you literally cannot afford a solicitor. Do remember this is your life we're talking about: plead guilty and you'll end up with a criminal record - which can very easily affect employment - and might well end up getting fined anyway. Get found not guilty and you'll get your costs refunded; far easier than being fined.

If they refuse you legal aid and you really can't afford it and aren't confident in defending yourself, just tell the judge and he'll sort something out. It is his job after all. And it's not like there won't be a court solicitor around sitting on his arse somewhere.

If you ask me, you're being very silly over this matter; either that or there's something you haven't told us.

Reply 15

Prince Rhyus

Anonymous

There must be a duty solicitor at the court who is there to defend those who can't afford legal representation.

The Human Rights Act 1998 states that you have a right to a fair trial. (http://www.opsi.gov.uk/acts/acts1998/80042--d.htm#sch1 - article 6 of schedule 1)

It states:

[Every person has the right]... to defend himself in person or through legal assistance of his own choosing or, if he has not sufficient means to pay for legal assistance, to be given it free when the interests of justice so require;

See http://www.yourrights.org.uk/your-rights/chapters/the-rights-of-defendants/representation-and-funding/representation-and-funding.shtml

for further details.

Reply 16

Anonymous #1

Things really came to a head yesterday and i ended up in hospital (no not suicide...i practically collapsed, and had no blood pressure) So last nite i lifted a huge weight off my shoulders and told my boyfriend everything little thing that is going on in my head, and i may have lt him in to all the crazy inside of me but i no longer feel like im worrying about everything and no one understands. We had a good chat about everything, and i may have been a bit moody and kicked off at first over things he said i eventually listened.

As for the court thing, yea there will be a duty soilicitor but i wont have the time to go over the case etc, and feel confident that he can fight my corner, this case is justn a big set up, all this rent a witness business type things going on, and the 3rd party milking everything for its worth. I dont get legal aid because it was a my fault (debatable) mototing offence and there were serious injuries inlvoled, but it looks now like i am going to get the case adhourned due to ill health and i may be onto something with a ropey family connection and a solicitor willing to help me prove my innocence. I mean if you knew wat i looked like you wouldnt think i was a danger behind the wheel to be honest, never even had a prking ticket, and i look 14, but thats not important, im not thinking about it all now because i have been told to take it easy for a week.

Reply 17

KarlZ

I am very happy that you have had that long talk with your bf - Although you collapsed I think that you had to sink to rock bottom because the only way out is up and you've proved that by confiding in your man.

Good luck with your case - Do you know what the worst punishment you will get e.g. will you lose your licence, heavy fine??
I do agree that you should protest your innocence.

Focus now and take your doctors advice - Chill out, relax, eat well, get some sleep and get yourself better.

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