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On The Verge Of Breaking Up- Advice Please!
Ok, to summarise the background to this, I have been going out with my girlfriend for nearly three years. Obviously I did really like her, but now my affection seems to be waning, and this is only made worse by her actions. She is very insecure, breeding an ever-increasing atmosphere of distrust, paranoia and suspicion. I should also say that I have cheated on her on one occasion, about two years ago, which I sense that despite what she said she has never really forgiven me for (I was genuinely in love with the other girl, planning to go out with her, but current girl was very persistent- the situation was brought about by her not speaking to me for a week). I did regret that. Subsequently she has done numerous things which my friends agree are unreasonable- she always asks me where I'm going, who I am with, whether she can read my messages; she goes through the Bebo pages of people she does not know to check up on me; she has accused me (wrongly) of cheating on her with 6 various girls, often on the evidence of single photographs. Recently she started a fight over barely anything, which she does a lot- she then sulks for several days before apologising. This time it really annoyed me. I told her I needed time to think things over. She accepted it, then said I had no right to demand that, and if I did, it would be over. I said fine. She is now relenting, but I don't think I want to be in this constant state of conflict, the fights over nothing, the suspicion. It is reminiscent of the scenes of my childhood, and I am tempted to just end it now (we are both going to different unis in October, which was another source of conflict incidentally). I guess it has just been so long since I have been single I'm just less brave about it. I know how I have dealt with things has been weak. But should I definitely end it? And when I tried to before she literally bombarded me with texts and calls. Should I just ignore them or what? Advice appreciated. And sorry this is anonymous but too many mutual friends are on TSR so please keep it on. Thanks.
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Sorry but that isn't a relationship. It doesn't sound like you are having any fun whatsoever.
End things, no point dragging it out over the summer is there? Get used to the single life now, before going to uni.
End things, no point dragging it out over the summer is there? Get used to the single life now, before going to uni.
I sound like your girlfriend.....but im not....I see her point of view and i suppose its nice to see what my boyfriends point of view is.
DO you reassure her enough? She just needs to feel loved, you may feel you do ity enoguh but do it more. Really open up to her, make her feel special..Hope this helps
DO you reassure her enough? She just needs to feel loved, you may feel you do ity enoguh but do it more. Really open up to her, make her feel special..Hope this helps
Go ahead break up, we are all slowy dying anyway.
It sounds like you are trying to justify to us - and therefore yourself - why you should break up with her, rather than asking for advice. If that's true, I'd say you must already have made up your mind. End it while you still can or - if you can't quite face that - suggest a break from each other for a while. Who knows - you may realise that how much you love her. Good luck!
Thanks for all the prompt advice guys, I agree that this is not what a relationship should be like and that I am trying to justify myself. Particular thanks to the third reply lol. And I suppose it has to be face to face?
Trouble is, with you cheating on her, it damage her trust in you. It seems she has not recovered from it since.
Clearly you are not happy with this relationship, mean at the end of the day you need trust between you and your girlfriend, clearly that has pretty much gone.
Clearly you are not happy with this relationship, mean at the end of the day you need trust between you and your girlfriend, clearly that has pretty much gone.
dont thorw 3 years away too quickly, not from advice on here, show her the thread and prive to her she needs to sort herself out or face lsoing you, my bet is she doesnt understand how close she is to losing you and if she knew she would be upset, feel guulty and want to change...You cant not love someone enough to try and make things work after 3 years i know that, and i have no doubt she loves you and would try her best. Give it a month
Anonymous
Thanks for all the prompt advice guys, I agree that this is not what a relationship should be like and that I am trying to justify myself. Particular thanks to the third reply lol. And I suppose it has to be face to face?
Yes. Don't be a cad and do it by e-mail or text; that's just not fair on you or her, or indeed your relationship together. Make your reasons clear and be firm.
My relationship ended the same way after roughly the same amount of time. My ex was pretty insecure. I think the only difference was that I never cheated on her. But she was always interested in where I was going ect, but that never really bothered me. We used to argue a lot though over various insignificant things, often not talk for weeks. It was like this for about 2 years, but somehow it worked and I was pretty happy with her overall. She was a good natured girl but was sort of easily offended and often took things I said the wrong way and then id have to spend ages trying to talk her round. It started getting a bit old not speaking for a week, making up on a Friday, being fine over the weekend and then arguing on Monday or Tuesday though. I ended it, but I probably could have gone on with the arguing because when we were fine she was a great girl and was nice, but the hassle just wasn’t really worth it at my age
What im trying to say by all that is , just see if you can talk to her and try and make a pact of not to argue and to just trust each other that you both want the best for each other before breaking up. We made a few pacts and had a few good talks where we just tried to ensure each other knew we’d never intentionally hurt each other and they generally worked for a few months but they always descended back into arguing. Perhaps you could give one of those a shot and if it doesn’t work just call it a day.
What im trying to say by all that is , just see if you can talk to her and try and make a pact of not to argue and to just trust each other that you both want the best for each other before breaking up. We made a few pacts and had a few good talks where we just tried to ensure each other knew we’d never intentionally hurt each other and they generally worked for a few months but they always descended back into arguing. Perhaps you could give one of those a shot and if it doesn’t work just call it a day.
Pink_Diamond
I sound like your girlfriend.....but im not....I see her point of view and i suppose its nice to see what my boyfriends point of view is.
DO you reassure her enough? She just needs to feel loved, you may feel you do ity enoguh but do it more. Really open up to her, make her feel special..Hope this helps
DO you reassure her enough? She just needs to feel loved, you may feel you do ity enoguh but do it more. Really open up to her, make her feel special..Hope this helps
why should he make her feel loved when she doest reciprecate in the slightest way. Relationships are two way things, if shes too insecure and almost violently insecure to appreciate him then whats teh point yes i know hes cheated on her but that was ages ago and if she wasnt prepared to trust him then why has she stayed with him since then? seeing as from his point of view she begged him not to leave
He screwed up but that doesnt give her the right to throw it in his face all the time after two years.
Dependant relationships are very unhealthy for the one whos not the depandent.
OP it does sound like your relationship has ended and there is no point dragging it out any longer. Break up with her but not cruelly and get on with your life
Actually having thought about it, if she was that insecure all along she should have surely broken up with you there and then and not let this drag on like this.
If your going to break up with her please to it to her face and think about what you are going to say. Make your reasons known so there is no awkard confusion. Also after 3 years together i suggest that you make an effort to stay friends and tell her you would like to.
As for being scared about being single i felt like this after a 2 year relationship but theres nothing to worry about you have a chance to find yourself etc. and to go out wid ur mates and not care about what she might say.
Word of advice dont do what i did and go out wid sum1 straight after u finnished wid her its 100% bad idea as a) they think that u have finnished wid them for that person and b) it will confirm her suspicous of you cheating.
I can see that from her point of view (as i used to be the jealous type) she feels like you might cheat cos you did it before but if u have reassured her and it was like 2 years ago why did she carry on the relationship if she felt she couldnt trust you i dont know.
Ask for a break to get your head together (and explain why!) if she doesnt want to know then.....
Do you love her?
As for being scared about being single i felt like this after a 2 year relationship but theres nothing to worry about you have a chance to find yourself etc. and to go out wid ur mates and not care about what she might say.
Word of advice dont do what i did and go out wid sum1 straight after u finnished wid her its 100% bad idea as a) they think that u have finnished wid them for that person and b) it will confirm her suspicous of you cheating.
I can see that from her point of view (as i used to be the jealous type) she feels like you might cheat cos you did it before but if u have reassured her and it was like 2 years ago why did she carry on the relationship if she felt she couldnt trust you i dont know.
Ask for a break to get your head together (and explain why!) if she doesnt want to know then.....
Do you love her?
I just realised that seeing as I'm anonymous, I may as well be totally truthful. I cheated on her three times it total, twice with the aforementioned girl (roughly the same time period) and last week with some randomer. Do I love her? I'm probably too inexperienced to know since she was basically my first real girlfriend. I used to certainly. I dont think I do anymore. The real trouble started when I got into Oxford (where we both wanted to go) and since then all arguments have been "you think I'm stupid", "you think you're perfect". She sent me another message there, asking not to break up. This will sound odd, but I talked to my dad about it (he knows her well) and he agreed, she must have some psychological need for the pattern of offence, conflict, estrangement, and conflict resolution. She doesn't have that many friends and I go out quite often, so all the time she goes 'you are neglecting me' etcetc, ostensibly joking but always in that same needling vain. I understand the people who say I should try to work things out, but she is really really clingy and I dunno if I can handle it. I tried to break up with her in March and she phoned me round the clock- literally. I gave in because of exams. I do get on well with her a lot of the time, but I'm starting to wonder if it's really worth it.
Oh btw she doesnt know I have cheated on her more than once, just to clarify. I do regret these occasions but whilst not making excuses, the last time was a reaction to all this. I just dunno if it's even fair to her to keep dragging this carcrash of a relationship out. Thanks for all the advice by the way, it's great to hear other perspectives on this, cus my friends all dislike her so I don't get any uselful opinions from them.
sara_b
It sounds like you are trying to justify to us - and therefore yourself - why you should break up with her, rather than asking for advice. If that's true, I'd say you must already have made up your mind.
I must agree here that is does sound abit like you are trying to justify why you are on the verge of breaking up with her as opposed to seeking advice.
I am in a relationship where my bf can be very possessive at times, similar but not as severe as your gf sounds. It can cause many arguments and at times push me to the limit and before we have split over it. However with my bf I realise that he has a deep seated fear from something that happened when he was younger. In effect up to a certain level he cannot help it. But at the end of the day I have impressed upon him that I can understand and tolerate that little bit more possesiveness, I will not tolerate any thing further and providing I reassure him that I care and make him feel secure it does work (albeit a few tussles)
I think that because you cheated on your gf she must have been extremely hurt and felt threatened and as a result her level of possesiveness has intensified....badly. And it sounds like you havent reassured her or had a long talk to get everything out in the open about how she makes you feel. It might have changed things. You said that when you cheated on her that you loved that other girl - At that point you should have not stayed with your current girlfriend and the fact you have cheated on her again says a lot!
You know deep down whether you want to stay with her - I dont think you do and you are looking forward to uni life as a singleton. If I am right then give the girl some respect and end things - I believe that she knows you doubt your feelings with her and with uni coming closer it, she fears the certainty things will end and perhaps thats why she acts the way she does. You cant love her for you to have cheated on her 3 times which I think is truly hurtful and it is a good things she doesnt know about the others! If you do not want to be with her and cant see yourself with her in the future then finish things, and if you do finish things stay strong and change your mobile number if needs be but make sure you finish with her to her face. It is more final.
Cheers everyone I broke up with her earlier today, face to face. Thanks for all the advice, it helped a lot. Mods- feel free to close this thread. I need closure. Just kidding.
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