What will you be doing over the Easter break? >>

This discussion is now closed.

Check out other Related discussions

Abuse

Oh my God. I don't know what to do. I'm being abused by my family.

It's very, very bad.

I try to stay in my room as much as possible but they wake me up in the morning and yell at me.

Today, my dad attacked me... physically, held me against the couch while he yelled down my ear.

The abuse happens daily and constantly throughout my whole immediate family (dad, mum and sister). It has completely wrecked my life.

My dad physically barred me from accepting my university offers. It was my dream to start this September (I was given offers by several great ones). We are supposed to be moving to Canada this summer, but now he won't do that either, so my future plans have been shaken and to say I'm confused would be a huge understatement..

There is a family I could stay with in Canada but my confidence has been demeaned so much and I know he'll abuse me if I ask to do this. Today's attack was bought on by me asking to borrow some money to buy a C.D.

My friends are scared to come to my house now. I tried to confide in them somewhat, but I don't have the confidence to confide the full extent and when I did tell them how aggressive/angry my dad was they just told me that they had similar problems.

It is making me physically sick. I'm shaking and when it happened I had difficulty breathing.

I used to be a strong, smart and beautiful girl but now I have zero confidence and my life has just gone down the pan.

The worst thing is that now my way of thinking has changed. I'm the lovliest person in the world but because I've been in this environment for so long I've actually began to believe all the things they say to me and I've developed a warped way of thinking about the world.

My mum and sister share his warped way of thinking and I'm always the scapegoat when things go wrong.

I NEED to get away because my sanity was damaged but I have nowhere to go. I've been trying to get out of here for months.

Scroll to see replies

Reply 1

Jsk

Tell someone. Not people onlin. I dont know how old you are but connexions, childline, doctor, police. They can all help you. im not sure what we can do here.

Reply 2

username47781

Why don't you defy him and go to University anyway, is there like someone you can speak to like a counsellor? I mean that type of abuse you are getting is not on, your family sound like a nasty bunch.

Reply 3

he_is_innocent

I'm so so sorry this is happening for you, so big big hug :knuddel:

It's a huge step to admit this to anyone, even if it is strangers, so you've done one big, hard bit already.
Are you in immediate physical danger at the moment? Is there anywhere safe you can go and stay? Hopefully there is, or you have a way of being able to get out the way for at least a while. Do you feel able to talk to Childline or The Samaritans at all or (even better) another family member, maybe an aunt or uncle, who isn't in the house?
About universities, I'm so sorry that you've been blocked from accepting places, is there no way you can take one without your dad knowing which will then give you a place to escape come September? If not, try emailing the admissions telling them that you've got some family problems and won't be able to accept any places but you are still wanting to come and they may be able to offer you a place for the future, maybe Feb, when hopefully you'll be independent of your family.
Again, I'm so sorry, please PM me at any time if you want to talk,
Huggles xxxxxxxx

Reply 4

Dionysus

This is absolutely terrible and I'm sorry to hear this has happened. If I were you I would seriously think about leaving home as soon as possible. Rent a room if necessary. Do you have a job? Or perhaps some friends you could stay with?

Reply 5

HJV

If I were you I'd try to get into uni for September. If you can't think of anything else, ask the police for advice. As someone said, a relative that you trust would probably be a good idea, too. You need someone to help you with your applications, loans, and everything (I suppose you will need many loans as your parents aren't being supportive of you going to uni). If you manage to get into uni, in 1,5 months from now you'll be able to leave your home behind.

You're 18 (or nearly 18, being born in '89), so you're completely free to leave your home and getting your own life, if you feel your parents are being abusive. :smile:

Reply 6

herbal bug

God he sounds a nightmare. apply through clearing and get out of there. honestly get a job and leave. i wish i could help more. i know how you feel, and it isnt nice and fair at all.

speaking to a counsellor wont be easy but you might have too. just speak to someone.

talk to someone- anyone as i dont want to see you hurt anymore. if it means talking to me, just PM me please hun. i can listen if you want me too

x

Reply 7

username47781

I agree, just get out anyway you can, even if you have to sneak out.

Reply 8

AverageGuyOnTheStreet

I really feel for you. My relationship with my parents has got really bad recently (you can read my posts from can't stand home soc if you want to know more) and the other night I tried to run away to somewhere I could feel safe. For me it is because they can't handle my emotional problems and don't know how to react.

I can understand that it must be making you go insane with your parents treating you like that. I would suggest getting out, maybe a holiday or something if you can afford it. I know I've considered that and what I'm going through is much less than what I understand you to be going through.

I really hope things improve soon. :hugs:

Reply 9

Spike4848

Call up your preferred university that accepted you and explain to them the situation and that actually you do want to go. Call the police, or childline, or tell a family friend/one of your friends parents.
PM if you want someone to talk to.

Reply 10

KarlZ

If this is in fact as serious as you say it is and you cannot bear this any longer then you must act now, particularly if you feel that your personal safety is at a risk.
I recommend you contact one or more of the following organisations: -

Childline - 0800 1111
NSPCC - 0808 800 5000
Samaritans - 08457 90 90 90 (www.samaritans.org.uk)
( I am not sure if these will show up on the phone bill so perhaps try using a different line to your parents house)

These organisations are here to help people in difficult times so do not be ashamed to contact them, they will listen to your problems and provide you with advice. At the end of the day they can provide you with more help that this online forum.

I am shocked that your parents are so negative about your choice to university - But we do not all live in a perfect world sadly.
You say it is your dream - Ask yourself how badly you want this and if you could forgive your parents if they didnt let you go.
As we are in July now I would perhaps recommend secretly contacting the university that you would most definitely want to go to and referring your chosen course until next year. Are these universities in Canada or in the UK???

Do you have any other family that you can confide in?
What are your fathers reasons for not letting you start at university?

Let me know

Reply 11

J_89

Thanks so much for your replies.

Unfortuanately it hasn't improved that much, with my Mum today smashing a plate against the table I was writing at. It doesn't matter what I do, even small things, they find a reason to become violent and I've started to get rlly tired and sleeping in the day (not deliberately) but it helps me avoid them.

I've been dealing with this for so long now that I'm worried about the affect it's had on me. Starting my own life is easier said than done as I don't have enough money to support myself right now (all my savings will have to go to Uni anyway).

Straight after the thing two weeks ago happened I had an exchange student stay (it was planned months ago) which was pretty time consuming. I had to look after her 24/7 whilst contending with my parents which was pretty bad.

The Universities ARE in Canada so I can't get a flight to start in Sept. But both have suggested starting in January =) altho I don't know if I can wait till then to get away.

The other thing is booking flights. It is the type of subject that would make my dad go AWOL and he's also stopped me from getting a job (another story).

However, my main problem now is decisions. I'm about to make some life-changing ones, and the ways things are here really hinders me thinking clearly.

Both Universities have very different ethos' and I need to talk to someone to help me decide. Moving abroad is a big deal and most people who go to Uni in their own country talk to their parents at least once about it before going, let alone deciding which foreign one to go to (both are far from where my parents will be moving to) and just up and leaving!

I've also been offered to stay with a Canadian family. The mother is very loving but the father is a bit macho, which I've had enough of, but at least he's not at all violent. Altho I know this isn't the best place for me (Uni is), sometimes I want to take this offer just to get away!

But anyway... I have some free time and tomorrow I'm gonna ring a counsellour/help-line/anyone and get some help. I hope they can help me with this decision too.

And any re-assurance is great even if online so THANKU!

AverageGuyOnTheStreet- I'm rlly sorry that you're going thru something similar. Hope ur OK. I guess I'm not the best person to ask for advice right now but I know how it feels!

KarlZ - thanks for the numbers. My dad's only reason was that I should take a gap year instead. However, this was my decision and not his. I even applied to go abroad for a gap year and was accepted but he also stopped me from doing this because of the money. He wouldn't explain his reasoning and I doubt he'd support me next year.
No, I don't have any family member I can confide in here. My family on my dad's side are all pretty messed up too. My nicer family on my mother's side are currently living in Canada but obv that's no help until I'm there.

Reply 12

Sycren

I really think you should talk to a counciller or child line, but do you want your parents and your sister still in your life?? Im wondering if you still love them or if it has turned to hate.

If you managed to get your problem through to child line then you may get a grant to learn at uni.

What are you studying btw?

I agree with Spike4848. Good luck!

Reply 13

Anonymous #1

Poor OP. I can relate to this situation.
When I was growing up my dad was very violent towards me and emotionally abusive too. Both have resulted in negative changes in me. I have a temper (or had - I've been working on that) and I suffered from some awful psychological stuff that I don't really want to go into.
It sounds a bit like your situation as I was the 'scapegoat' too, so to speak. I have siblings and they have never been shouted out/encountered violence. I don't know if my dad has come to realise how bad he was, but it doesn't matter for me as our relationship with is irrepairable.
I've moved out now. However, before I did, I found that sticking up for myself helped my situation. That's a little controversial, I know, but if you think shouting/pushing back could help, you should. You don't have to stand for violence. That's not an ideal solution. Shouting etc is never good. But if you have no choice, fend for yourself. The first time I did my dad was shocked and the abuse reduced dramatically.

Reply 14

Rainygal

I hope you get everything sorted out soon OP, good luck :hugs:

good luck!

Ah for goodness' sake, they're adults and should have the self-control not to throw temper tantrums every time they don't get their own way or can't deal with a situation.
That sucks, I'm really sorry for you. Do they want you to stay at home for your gap year or what, because that doesn't sound like the most brilliant of strategies.
I'd try the Uni's or the SLC to work out how you'd cope funding-wise if you did go.
Has this been happening for long or is it relatively recent?

Reply 17

J_89

The abuse has been happening since before I can remember.

Every day is just a struggle and I've thought of committing suicide.

The university I'm planning to go to has offered me a place in January but unfortuanately, I can't get to Canada now because my parents won't help me to look or pay for a flight and I don't have the money to pay myself not to mention how scary it is to go alone in Jan to another country to begin a new uni after all this.

My parents play mind games with me every day. I have to beg to talk to them, they won't let me do things by mself but mess everything up when they get involved.

I'm thinking about travelling in the new year but most of my friends are at Uni now and things are just a bit all over the place.

I guess I'm just feeling down-trodded coz it's gone on for so many months. My sister 16 yrs old, told me she'd take delight in "knocking me out". I become aggressive back but I really don't want to anymore, it's not me, I just can't handle it. I have to do all the family jobs whilst putting up with their negativity and neglect.

I've been in contact with help organizations but I'm too afraid to leave because I've literally nowhere to go and none of them have helped me on a practical level with practical advice.

I've been trying for months to stay with some relatives in Canada, but it's difficult considering my parents haven't really introduced me to them and they know my parents. My mum keeps promising and then refusing to write to them to ask if I can go there and to make things worse...

They may not move to Canada after all!
It certainly won't be for a long, long time and I have had to work this out for myself - they never discuss it with me or the implications for me.

I can't go to a British Uni now coz I've only got 1 A-level and I've already recieved places in Canada where I should already be.

I have NOBODY who cares or has helped me all these months. The conexxions lady made out like I was exaggerating and gave the stupid advice of:"just talking to my parents". Obviously that didn't work - I try to talk to them rationally every day and walk away in tears feeling distraught.

It goes without saying that my family never chat to me - except to criticize and shout at me for stuff I haven't done for them. Anything I try to do they get involved with and then purposely ruin. I take vocal lessons and my mum told me to stop getting the train, because she'd take me - and then point blank refused to on the actual day because I hadn't washed the dishes beforehand.

Suicide really is the only way to end all this - all the anxiety, boredom and lonliness - I had so many plans that they have just stepped all over.