I dont know where to start. I hate life and often wish I had never been born. There are many reasons I feel this way. I come from a crappy cultural background that makes everything difficult for women. I feel as though I can never be myself in front of everyone. I have so many dreams and ambitions and desires in life but I cannot achieve them due to the religion/culture I have been born into.
I never had normal dreams at school...whilst most people wanted to be docters, lawyers, engineers etc, I always dreamed of stardom, particularly acting. I took drama lessons at school and excelled. My drama teacher practically begged me to take up drama once I finished school but my parents never allowed it. They came out with stuff like 'as a muslim girl, how can you even think about acting! As an actress, roles could acquire you to strip off or kiss someone etc' so I never got to follow my dreams.
Im currently at university studying English and though I enjoy my degree, I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I feel like I cannot be myself. After university, my dream would be to travel for a while and see the world (which my parents wont allow because I am a muslim girl and they wont allow me to go on holidays with friends, let alone on my own) and then I would have loved to have had my own flat and just be independent (which again, I am not allowed. I have to live at home until I get married). There is a guy I know that wants to marry me, hes really nice and caring but I dont love him at all, I like him as a friend but im almost tempted to accept just to escape home. When I tell my mum I cant wait to leave home, she yells at me and calls me ungrateful for all the bills she pays and all the cooking/cleaing she does for me.
Also as a muslim girl, I am really restricted from a lot of things that would be normal for most young girls of my age. I am not allowed to go clubbing or to bars or anything of the sort and I always have to be home by around 8pm (im 21 years old). I feel like no guy would ever be interested in me because I have no social life whatsoever and would never be allowed out in the evening. I have tried time and time again to speak to my parents and tell them they are being unreasonable but we end up arguing and they throw my religion and culture in my face and say things like 'look at so and so's daughter, she never goes out and she never complains about it either'.
Keeping the family name is VERY important to my family and this is what winds me up most. Most of the time when my parents are being totally unreasonable, its mainly because they are worried by what people would say about us within our cultural community.
I hate my relatives, they are all two faced, sly and gossipy. I always feel like i'm putting on a front in front of everybody, I can never be myself. I just realised last night that I have no real friends. I have some friends from uni but they are more 'acquaintances' than best friends and I feel alot of that has to do with my curfews. They go out in the evenings a lot and they used to invite me all the time but as I kept saying 'no, no, no', they stopped asking me and now I only see them and speak to them in lessons.
I feel so alone and so down, I dont have anyone to talk to, no friends, no nice family members, parents that dont understand because they grew up in a different country and they are trying to make me live by all the rules they had to live by growing up. I dont have any sisters and only have one brother that understand what I feel like and where i am coming from but cant do anything to help.
I am sorry this is so long but I had to let it all out. I hate life. I wouldnt do anything crazy like go and kill myself over it but I am slowly drowning and dont know what to do anymore.