Think ive lost her- PLEASE help

Ok, this post could be gigantic but i'll try to keep it focussed.

Basically this girl is on my sponsorship placement and we really liked eachother. We wanted to live together with others but ended up together alone because the 2 bedroomed flat was the nicest.

She's very religious and has beliefs like no sex before marriage. Another is not being able to data non believers- its got her into trouble with past relationships.

Before we moved in we met up hyde park and it was lovely- even though she said we're going to have to be friends we ended up kissing. That week i met her parents, stayed over her parents house and then we drove down to sign the contract for flat.

Even though that day we had a mini tiff about being just friends, we ended up in the same bed that night (nothing more than kissing), but we did end up kissing and cuddling in bed for like 3 hours- it felt so special.

The next week i wasnt there, but a guy walked her home one night and she told him who i was- that we were 'practically married' together.

The next time i moved down she was adament we'd remain just friends- but we did still end up cuddling lots. Then one evening we all went out and i misheard her saying about meeting a guy at a wedding- turned out to be a famous comedian she hoped would be there. She couldnt believe i would think she would want to meet someone else. We had a massive arguement about not being together and i felt she had been going off me. It turned out it was the opposite and she was trying to control her feelings because of her beliefs. After this arguement i thought she wanted us to move apart. The next week we had a few mini arguements- me trying to find out what hurt her so much from the main arguement- because she had been crying all day the next day AND missed church on the sunday being so tired from crying on the saturday.

For the next 2 weeks she literally ignored me, wouldnt stay in the flat and be with me- purposely went out so she didnt have to face me. She told me everytime she saw me it just reminded her of how much i hurt her. In the original arguement i said if i was gonna be too upset then i wouldnt bother staying and i would head back home, jacking in the work experience. She felt this was emotional blackmail but i never meant it to be.

I went away for 9 days and said i wouldnt stay in contact to give her space. I told her i know why shes acted like she did- meeting a guy she REALLY liked but couldnt be with because of her beliefs. She said nothing, implying i was correct. She just said give her time and i was happy. Problem is, even though i thought she liked someone else (she didnt) she told me it was none of my business if she did meet someone else- this hurt.

I returned after 9 days and she was also coming back that day, she text me to let me know when she;'d be home. The next day however we had a talk and she told me basically we'd never be together. It still felt however that she was hurt and possibly saying all this to persuade herself. She said she knows im not a bad person, 3 weeks ago she wanted to kill me whenever she saw me. At the moment she just see's me and thinks nothing. I was slightly hurt but hoping she was just still hurt deep down.

That night however she text me to say she was meeting up wit ha guy from work because he was leaving in 3 days to go on holiday. It felt asif she was making sure in the text i didnt get the wrong idea. Then the next morning i was walking to the train station as she drove past (she never returned hom that night but i think she may have drank and not been able to drive home). As soon as she saw me she had a massive smile on her face. After a minute of driving past she phoned me and when no answer left a text asking if i was heading to the station.

I cant understand her adamence of never being together ever again, yet the way she seems to still want me to know what shes doing. Is she just still hurting and trying to play down her feelings? Do you think in time she'll realise it was all a big fuss? Sometimes it feels asif she breaks character, forgetting to hate me and act like we used to, asif she's purposely trying to persuade herself she doesnt like me anymore.

im worried whether i should give her more space- on the other hand i dont want her forgetting the good things. she already said she doesnt remember anything good, but surely thats jibberish?

Reply 20

shady lane

16

OP aren't you a girl?

Reply 21

Zizi3

I’m unclear on what the argument was about. It sounds like you’re not even sure. If I were you, I’d contact her and ask for an explanation. After all, you can’t solve the problem if you don’t even know what it is.

It seems to me that she does care for you. If I were you, I’d just be there for her - show her that you’re reliable and won’t take off at the first sign of disagreement. Even if she acts like she hates you - she’s probably scared and hoping that her contradictory behavior won’t drive you away. This actually sounds like something I would do. From what you’ve told us (her being religious), I would guess that she wants more commitment from you, but doesn’t want to sound desperate (hence the hot and cold cycle). She probably feels insecure making out with someone who has made no commitment to her. After all, how does she know that you’re not just in it for the physical stuff?

Unlike some of the others who’ve posted, I would not advise you to distance yourself from her. She may feel that you’re abandoning her, and this would make her even more upset. This fear of you leaving is probably why she was so worked up about the “emotional blackmail” thing. She’s feeling insecure and vulnerable, and is drawing back so that you can’t hurt her. You should take the first step to reassure her that you really like her and have no intention of going anywhere anytime soon (only say this if it is in fact true).

DO go to church - she probably feels uncomfortable telling you to go just because she doesn’t want to pressure you. She’ll probably be happy to hear that you’ve taken the initiative on your own.

Good luck. I really think that she likes you more than she wants to admit.

Zizi

Reply 22

billydisco

3

Zizi3

I’m unclear on what the argument was about. It sounds like you’re not even sure. If I were you, I’d contact her and ask for an explanation. After all, you can’t solve the problem if you don’t even know what it is.

It seems to me that she does care for you. If I were you, I’d just be there for her - show her that you’re reliable and won’t take off at the first sign of disagreement. Even if she acts like she hates you - she’s probably scared and hoping that her contradictory behavior won’t drive you away. This actually sounds like something I would do. From what you’ve told us (her being religious), I would guess that she wants more commitment from you, but doesn’t want to sound desperate (hence the hot and cold cycle). She probably feels insecure making out with someone who has made no commitment to her. After all, how does she know that you’re not just in it for the physical stuff?

Unlike some of the others who’ve posted, I would not advise you to distance yourself from her. She may feel that you’re abandoning her, and this would make her even more upset. This fear of you leaving is probably why she was so worked up about the “emotional blackmail” thing. She’s feeling insecure and vulnerable, and is drawing back so that you can’t hurt her. You should take the first step to reassure her that you really like her and have no intention of going anywhere anytime soon (only say this if it is in fact true).

DO go to church - she probably feels uncomfortable telling you to go just because she doesn’t want to pressure you. She’ll probably be happy to hear that you’ve taken the initiative on your own.

Good luck. I really think that she likes you more than she wants to admit.

Zizi

[**Important**]

this may intrigue you.........

so i told you she txt me sunday saying what kinda time she'd be home.

just before we got home (and the subsequent post material) we were at work, just about to leave. i was walking up towards her, a good 10 second walk seeing eachother. she was walking upto me asif she wanted to tell me about her days work, a massive smile on her face, openly approaching me laughing saying she had had a nice day- pretty much acting asif we'd never had these problems. it felt as though all this anger was a front, a script she is following and she forgot to stick to the script in this (and when seeing me walking towards the station) situation.

on monday she was on the phone and because i could hear she said she was going to the car. she walked past my bedroom window outside and said to the male voice on the phone 'sorry i couldnt talk'. when she returned i hinted that i knew what she had said about not being able to talk, that she shouldnt feel like that. i used to think she liked one of the other guys but shes told me she doesnt. i told her i cannot stop her liking someone and she said, yes i know you cant. whilst this sounded rather 'harsh' in some respects- i didnt know whether it was like you stated above and just her way of coping with things. i told her i think shes making a mistake. she asked me what did i mean and i remained silent. she then popped her head out from the bedroom door and asked me again, asif curious. i told her i think shes making a mistake with the whole situation and perhaps one day she'll realise it was much smaller than she made out. it was this conversation which lead to her saying nothing will ever, she doesnt have any feelings etc.

anyway the reason why i included the above was to give you the pretext for the text i received an hour or two later. we were both going to a party that night, not together because she was going to a female friends house. i got the text saying she was just letting me know shes going to meet a guy from work because hes leaving for abroad in 3 days.

considering our conversation earlier it felt to me like she was trying to explain herself to me. in addition it felt like she was reasuring me the reason she was meeting him was because hes a work friend going away for a few weeks and nothing else. it just seemed strange for such a stubbon, adament person to be sending texts to someone like me, whom shes just said she has no feelings for. couple this with the notification sunday evening and seeing me walking towards the train station the next day (her smiling BIG time seeing me and ringing me/txting me within a minute) and you can tell why im confused.

Reply 23

sahsum

13

Oh my god this is just too complicated! so do u actually know what 'upset' or 'hurt' her in the argument you had? i agree with the person who said dont keep ur distance. obviously don't shove urself in her face but make sure she knows ur still keen...if you are.

Reply 24

billydisco

3

sahsum

Oh my god this is just too complicated! so do u actually know what 'upset' or 'hurt' her in the argument you had? i agree with the person who said dont keep ur distance. obviously don't shove urself in her face but make sure she knows ur still keen...if you are.

when we were out eating she said to a few other girls 'i danced with him at X's wedding and i hope hes going to be at my cousins'. it turned out this was some famous comedian. however i didnt know this until it was too late and was a little upset, she could see this. when we got back home that night i asked her and she couldnt believe the thought would have crossed my mind- her meaning it like that.

the arguement then developed as i said im sorry but anything special i seem to cock up. later on she basically said we cant be together and i was so frustrated because i knew its because she thinks im an atheist. i accused her of a few things like going off of me, when later i realised she wasnt- she was trying to tone down her feelings as she thought we would end up sleeping together.

basically it sounded like shes had more feelings for me in one week than her ex's she was with for months- but she stayed with them because she knew her feelings werent as strong.

towards the end of the arguement she was asking if i could stay down there being friends. i said if things mess up i wouldnt stay around because theres no point doing my placement being unhappy- i'd rather be at home. she took this as emotional blackmail. at the end of the night she walked out because she didnt want to argue anymore- and asked me if she'd ever see me again, i told her probably not.

the next day (saturday) she basically cried all day, im not sure if this was because she wouldnt see me ever again or because she felt everyone would blame her for me leaving. she cried so much that sunday morning she didnt go to church because she was so tired :frown:

we've had several mini arguements which have basically been because i wanted to know why she was so hurt and she wouldnt tell me. everytime she locked herself away and went mad- telling me she told me she didnt want to talk about it and to forget it. this frustrated me so much- hence why its all been such a haze.

i just cant tell whether she still likes me deep down and is scared of her feelings or whether the arguements really put her off me.......

Think ive lost her- PLEASE help

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