I decided to write this post, as I feel a bit frustrated. I always wanted to see myself as someone special, probably because of what I achieved. Now I am startring to think that I am actually a loser
Sorry for making it so long
I went to school in Poland, took part in a lot of competitions, I was the best student at my school. As one of 12 people in Poland, I got a 40000 pounds worth scholarship to go to a boarding school in England. Sounds great, doesn't it? It was even better - I got AAAAAB on my AS, and got an offer from Christ's College, Cambridge, with a scholarship of 6000 pounds a year. Couldn't be better. But then - the worst day of my life approached - I failed to meet the offer conditions. In my chemistry exam, I was 8 marks off an A. I wonder how many people miss their offers while being able to get AAAABB. Well, I was one of them. The worst thing of the whole situation was that I have really lost an opportunity to go to university this year - I wouldn't get any financial support at my insurace choice at that point, and the most I could get from my parents was maybe 800 pounds a year. I not even mention that I lost the opportunity to study at the best university in the world.
It was terrible. Since then, I can't stop thinking about it. When I look at the photos of the holiday I went to just before the A-Level results and first rejection, I want to cry - I just remind myself that at that time I still thought that I was going to Cambridge in 2 months time. Even my university card was already done, waiting for me in Cambridge (I remeber how long it took me to take a nice photo). I hate the songs that were hits at that time, I can't play the computer game I played at the time when the letter arrived any more.
In these circumstances, I had to take a gap-year, reapply, and resit the chemistry exam, just to get an A. And so I did - I safely applied to Homerton College, whichc is the worst (according to the Tompkins Table) and easiest to get in. And then, the second worst day of my life came - I was rejected. Not even placed in the pool, nothing. Accepted by the best college, rejected by the worst
After some time I sort of accepted it, and decided to go to Imperial. I keep telling myself that I actually like the course more, and living in Cambridge would certainly be better. But I know that I would feel better in Cambridge, and I will probably regret the whole situation for my entire life. Hopefully, I could get there to do postgraduate degree.
But then there was the financial problem about Imperial. They don't have any scholarships for EU students. I managed to find a potential solution, by going to work in the UK for the remaider of the year, get some money, and additionally get a status of migrant worker which would entitle me to the same financial support as UK students. Sounds good, and that's what I did. I came to London in mid-April and started to look for work. Lots of Polish people come here, find a job, and I though I had an advantage of being fluent in English and having good A-Lavels. I was wrong. I was jobhunting for 7 weeks, without any result. I sent over 100 applications, and been invited to 3 interviews, all of them unsuccessful. They either said I didn't have experience (even though I did the same things at school, and in my free time), or I was over-qualified and likely to leave the job.
Ultimately, I did find a job. What was it - a lab assistant? Office junior? Junior web designer? No - a street cleaner, working for minimum wage, as far from my flat in London as it could get. I have better qualifications than most of the supervisors, yet I still work there - I could not find any job at all.
The poor salary will probably mean that I will actually spend 4 months in London, and bring back less money than I had when I arrived to London. Quite ridiculous. Not to mention that I would just waste another 4 months, which I could spend easting normal food, swimming in a lovely lake in nice weather of my home city in Poland. Of course, I need to work to get my scholarship, so at least it is justified. But what If I don't get it? I meet all the conditions, but who knows what will they decide at SLC? Obviously, I could not go to uni without it, so I have absolutely no idea what I would do.
You could argue that academic stuff is not the most important in life. I might agree. But then what is? Friends? Most of them went to unis, I am losing contact with them. The only girls I talked to in the past 6 months were some girls in the internet I never met in person. Love? I don't have a girlfriend. In fact I never had one, and go on, I never even kissed a girl. Quite pathetic for a 20- year-old. People say that I would finally find somebody at university. Yeah, possible - but they said the same before my gap year, before my high school, etc. Besides, although my family situation is generally good, we are facing serious financial problems, which doesn't make me too happy.
And that's not all. I can't even do much in my free time - I don't have much money to do stuff. I can't even use my computer properly, as it broke 10 days after I came to UK - and so did my mouse, watch and mobile. I even have some dental problems at the moment.
As you can see, I have plenty of reasons to feel depressed. Sometimes I think that I am the biggest loser on Earth, and I still think that it could be avoided by getting in to Cambridge at the first place... I don't know how to cope with it all...