Hey there! Sign in to join this conversationNew here? Join for free
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    Hey guys, thought I'd leave a message here just to get some ideas from you about what you'd do next in my situation. I'm 17 turning 18 and she's the same age.

    After a few months of dating, my ex broke who I felt strongly for, broke up with me. This was about seven weeks ago. She told me that although she still liked me, we were arguing too much and said upfront I'd grown overly-jealous. This was correct.

    After a few days I sent her a message accepting I had made mistakes. I told her I would work on my issues and wanted to stay in her life. We spoke after that for a few days but I quickly realised that I was headed for the friendzone, for lack of a better word, and told her I needed some space to cut off contact.

    During the following no contact period, which lasted for about two weeks, she often would try to message me. I would kindly tell her I wasn't ready, which I wasn't. She seemed to want me. However, when I broke the no contact period, she was very cold with me. She was obviously hurt by my absence. Despite the grudge she held, we met up in a cafe.

    The meet up went fairly well, I was blunt and honest with her. I told her that I would, not today, but eventually, want a relationship and if that did not happen it would be best if we left eachother in the past, which I believe would hypothetically be for the best. She told me she was still physically attracted to me but thought getting back together was unlikely. We had a lot of fun that day and she told me it cheered her up.

    I began gently flirting after that, careful not to rock the boat too much. We were making slight progress until a few days ago when I insinuated that she could hypothetically make out with someone else if she so pleased and I could do the same and she took it as an accusation. I apologised for this and told her I needed a few days more space. We were going out together in a few weeks for a night out a party, but now she's cast doubt into it.

    What would you do now TSR?
    Offline

    10
    ReputationRep:
    I think you should allow yourself time to heal from her and go no-contact. She doesn't want a relationship with you but because she's attracted to you and probably misses the familiarity she's letting you back in/flirting etc.

    You're both torturing yourselves over a somethings that will never be anything like it used to be. Accept the loss, tell her it's no contact and leave her be.
    Offline

    18
    ReputationRep:
    Just leave it let her go. It only gets worse and you'll both end up hurt.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    Thanks for the input guys. Here's the thing, I think our relationship ending permanently over a temporary problem seems a bit strange when we both still have feelings. It was my third relationship and he second. Of course, yes, we will get hurt in the end but this is true for all relationships, or at least the vast majority in the teenage years, and so it seems strange to give up on those grounds.

    Allow me to change my question, regardless of whether or not you think it's a good idea, what would you do to her get back? Discarding whether or not it sounds like a good idea based on what you've heard.
    • Very Important Poster
    Offline

    19
    Very Important Poster
    (Original post by Lockra)
    Hey guys, thought I'd leave a message here just to get some ideas from you about what you'd do next in my situation.

    After a few months of dating, my ex broke who I felt strongly for, broke up with me. This was about five weeks ago. She told me that although she still liked me, we were arguing too much and I'd grown overly-jealous. This was correct.

    After a few days I sent her a message accepting I had made mistakes. I told her I would work on my issues and wanted to stay in her life. We spoke after that for a few days but I quickly realised that I was headed for the friendzone, for lack of a better word, and told her I needed some space to cut off contact.

    During the following no contact period, which lasted for about two weeks, she often would try to message me. I would kindly tell her I wasn't ready, which I wasn't. She seemed to want me. However, when I broke the no contact period, she was very cold with me. She was obviously hurt by my absence. Despite the grudge she held, we met up.

    The meet up went fairly well, I was blunt and honest with her. I told her that I would, not today, but eventually, want a relationship and if that did not happen it would be best if we left eachother in the past, which I believe would hypothetically be for the best. She told me she was still physically attracted to me but thought getting back together was unlikely. We had a lot of fun that day and she told me it cheered her up.

    I began gently flirting after that, careful not to rock the boat too much. We were making slight progress until a few days ago when I insinuated that she could hypothetically make out with someone else if she so pleased, and she took it as an accusation. I apologised for this and told her I needed a few days more space. We were going out together in a few weeks for a night out in the place we met, but now she's cast doubt into it.

    What would you do now TSR?
    You dont sound like a good match, but soemtimes you need to find that out by yourself.

    You seem to have some issues which is going to cause you and your future gfs a lot of grief, unless you really work on them. jealousy, arguing etc. All that sounds like a whole lot of hassle many girls will just prefer to stay clear of.

    All sounds a lot of hard work.
    Offline

    12
    ReputationRep:
    Give it more time. Two weeks ain't enough.
    Offline

    0
    ReputationRep:
    I think you need to decide whether you want to be with her or not. To me if someone said they needed space and kept ignoring me for that long, I'd feel like they didn't truly care about me. You can't expect her to wait around for you while you decide what you want. If you want her, show her. If you don't, cut off contact and end the relationship. It's not fair to say you don't want anything at the moment but give her hope for the future.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by 999tigger)
    You dont sound like a good match, but soemtimes you need to find that out by yourself.

    You seem to have some issues which is going to cause you and your future gfs a lot of grief, unless you really work on them. jealousy, arguing etc. All that sounds like a whole lot of hassle many girls will just prefer to stay clear of.

    All sounds a lot of hard work.
    Knowing us I'd say we're a very good match, but you're right. The reason I don't want a relationship now, with her or anyone, is I need to sort out those issues because at the end of the day I only want to be in adult relationships if I'm mature enough to handle them, and I've learnt through this one, my first, that I am not yet.
    • Very Important Poster
    Offline

    19
    Very Important Poster
    (Original post by Lockra)
    Knowing us I'd say we're a very good match, but you're right. The reason I don't want a relationship now, with her or anyone, is I need to sort out those issues because at the end of the day I only want to be in adult relationships if I'm mature enough to handle them, and I've learnt through this one, my first, that I am not yet.
    I dont know whether its mature, but a relationship comes with expectations as you have to consider someone else and they have benefits as well as extra demands that you dont have to consider when single. At some stage you will be ready for it ot rou will meet someone else where its worth it or it doesnt seem like succh a hassle or you are just more prepared for it. No rush though, take it at your own pace, talk to the other person and get a clear idea of what you wnat and also what you do not.
    • TSR Support Team
    Offline

    19
    TSR Support Team
    (Original post by Lockra)
    Hey guys, thought I'd leave a message here just to get some ideas from you about what you'd do next in my situation.

    After a few months of dating, my ex broke who I felt strongly for, broke up with me. This was about five weeks ago. She told me that although she still liked me, we were arguing too much and I'd grown overly-jealous. This was correct.

    After a few days I sent her a message accepting I had made mistakes. I told her I would work on my issues and wanted to stay in her life. We spoke after that for a few days but I quickly realised that I was headed for the friendzone, for lack of a better word, and told her I needed some space to cut off contact.

    During the following no contact period, which lasted for about two weeks, she often would try to message me. I would kindly tell her I wasn't ready, which I wasn't. She seemed to want me. However, when I broke the no contact period, she was very cold with me. She was obviously hurt by my absence. Despite the grudge she held, we met up.

    The meet up went fairly well, I was blunt and honest with her. I told her that I would, not today, but eventually, want a relationship and if that did not happen it would be best if we left eachother in the past, which I believe would hypothetically be for the best. She told me she was still physically attracted to me but thought getting back together was unlikely. We had a lot of fun that day and she told me it cheered her up.

    I began gently flirting after that, careful not to rock the boat too much. We were making slight progress until a few days ago when I insinuated that she could hypothetically make out with someone else if she so pleased, and she took it as an accusation. I apologised for this and told her I needed a few days more space. We were going out together in a few weeks for a night out in the place we met, but now she's cast doubt into it.

    What would you do now TSR?
    Personally it is pretty much impossible to be friends with an ex right away. I would cut contact and block her out, sounds as if she doesn't want a relationship anymore, you will only feel worse if you keep trying to persue her.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    Update: We're talking again now, almost daily, I start maybe two-thirds of the conversation and usually when she does it's because she's feeling lonely at 2am. But, my flirting has been pretty well recieved although she's not doing much back. I'd say it's been 7/10.

    We're going through with our night out in 13 days time, it's in the place where we met so it seems sort of ideal to pull. I've set it as my deadline because if I don't make a move soon she'll probably move along to new people as we're both at new schools now.

    I'm fearful that I could be headed for the friendzone if I leave it too late. I'm still clear with her however that if it does end out that way I'm not sticking around.

    Any tips?
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Lockra)
    Update: We're talking again now, almost daily, I start maybe two-thirds of the conversation and usually when she does it's because she's feeling lonely at 2am. But, my flirting has been pretty well recieved although she's not doing much back. I'd say it's been 7/10.

    We're going through with our night out in 13 days time, it's in the place where we met so it seems sort of ideal to pull. I've set it as my deadline because if I don't make a move soon she'll probably move along to new people as we're both at new schools now.

    I'm fearful that I could be headed for the friendzone if I leave it too late. I'm still clear with her however that if it does end out that way I'm not sticking around.

    Any tips?
    Yeah sounds exactly the same as me... by the sounds of things you clearly want her but since she did the break up, it's her whos gonna put it back together so just wait another wee while and if your not okay with just being friends like you are go for it
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by djac99)
    Yeah sounds exactly the same as me... by the sounds of things you clearly want her but since she did the break up, it's her whos gonna put it back together so just wait another wee while and if your not okay with just being friends like you are go for it
    I'm going to start the conversations less often now and see how much she fills the gap.
    Offline

    2
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by Lockra)
    I'm going to start the conversations less often now and see how much she fills the gap.
    Good plan
    Offline

    14
    ReputationRep:
    I don't understand why you keep saying you need time? You want her, she wants you so why not be together? You're going to push her into anther man's arms at this rate.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    (Original post by phunky_fresh)
    I don't understand why you keep saying you need time? You want her, she wants you so why not be together? You're going to push her into anther man's arms at this rate.
    It isn't clear that she wants me, infact she seems to want nobody at this point and his having a good amount of alone time. It really is needed right now for her more so than me but for me too.
    • Thread Starter
    Offline

    13
    ReputationRep:
    Update 2: Okay, she basically said fairly cuttingly she just wants to be friends. This obviously isn't great news, and now I'm going to have to do some pretty sad things but there's not point in me keeping talking to her because I'll just dig a deeper hole.

    Until our night out, which as far as I know is still happening and I'm sure we'll have fun, I'm not going to message her first. If she wants to talk then that's fine. Then, after the night, I'm going to do the one and only thing that can help someone in the "friendzone", a no contact period. Total no contact. Last time it lasted two weeks and we spoke a bit when she messaged, that's not no contact. As someone previously said it's not enough. After our night out (I need to see her one last time for both tactical reasons and for my feelings) I'm going to have 30 days with no communication what so ever, I'm also contemplating blocking on social media although I understand that that could have it's repercussions.

    By my calculations it'll be game on again by October 25th/26th. I've seen this work again and it's the only way to stand a chance when in my situation. A part of me hopes my total silence makes her miss me but it doesn't even have to to work. I do really hope, however, that it doesn't hurt her.

    If anything I should've not wasted so much time and done this earlier.

    I'll keep you posted
    • TSR Support Team
    Offline

    19
    TSR Support Team
    (Original post by Lockra)
    Update 2: Okay, she basically said fairly cuttingly she just wants to be friends. This obviously isn't great news, and now I'm going to have to do some pretty sad things but there's not point in me keeping talking to her because I'll just dig a deeper hole.

    Until our night out, which as far as I know is still happening and I'm sure we'll have fun, I'm not going to message her first. If she wants to talk then that's fine. Then, after the night, I'm going to do the one and only thing that can help someone in the "friendzone", a no contact period. Total no contact. Last time it lasted two weeks and we spoke a bit when she messaged, that's not no contact. As someone previously said it's not enough. After our night out (I need to see her one last time for both tactical reasons and for my feelings) I'm going to have 30 days with no communication what so ever, I'm also contemplating blocking on social media although I understand that that could have it's repercussions.

    By my calculations it'll be game on again by October 25th/26th. I've seen this work again and it's the only way to stand a chance when in my situation. A part of me hopes my total silence makes her miss me but it doesn't even have to to work. I do really hope, however, that it doesn't hurt her.

    If anything I should've not wasted so much time and done this earlier.

    I'll keep you posted
    Sorry to hear but sadly it looked like that was all she wanted, best bet is cut her off and move on, she will only bring you pain if you keep chasing her.
 
 
 
Reply
Submit reply
TSR Support Team

We have a brilliant team of more than 60 Support Team members looking after discussions on The Student Room, helping to make it a fun, safe and useful place to hang out.

Updated: September 15, 2016
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • Poll
    Have you ever participated in a Secret Santa?
  • See more of what you like on The Student Room

    You can personalise what you see on TSR. Tell us a little about yourself to get started.

  • The Student Room, Get Revising and Marked by Teachers are trading names of The Student Room Group Ltd.

    Register Number: 04666380 (England and Wales), VAT No. 806 8067 22 Registered Office: International House, Queens Road, Brighton, BN1 3XE

    Quick reply
    Reputation gems: You get these gems as you gain rep from other members for making good contributions and giving helpful advice.