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Beckysparkle
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#1
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#1
I over reacted a bit...soz!
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SFC_FOREVER!
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#2
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Bit out of order really. It's not as if it is hard to send a text message, would take all of 20 seconds out of his time. Sounds like he doesn't sometimes appreciate you all that much.
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generalebriety
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#3
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No, a lot of guys actually don't work like that (edit: referring to you wanting him to want to talk to you). I'm beginning to fear I'm in a minority. Though really, you are making a big deal out of nothing. If he loves you and doesn't want to spend £3 telling you that at the same time every single day, I don't think you should really complain.
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generalebriety
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(Original post by SFC_FOREVER!)
Bit out of order really. It's not as if it is hard to send a text message, would take all of 20 seconds out of his time. Sounds like he doesn't sometimes appreciate you all that much.
You say this, but consider this would be 20 seconds of his time, maybe ten times a day, every day. Maybe he simply can't be bothered and wants a day to himself once in a while.
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Beckysparkle
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#5
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lol I don't expect him to text me that much but hearing from him once would be nice!!
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SFC_FOREVER!
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#6
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That's still only 3 minutes...

Anyway I didn't think she was referring to 10 times a day, just the once when he was out or similar situations like that.
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suzie_h
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#7
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I have to say that it wouldnt hurt your bf to get in contact with u more and actually because he wants too. Maybe im in the minority but my bf loves texting and calling me, or its just the fact were still in the honeymoon phase...
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generalebriety
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#8
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(Original post by Beckysparkle)
lol I don't expect him to text me that much but hearing from him once would be nice!!
As I said, maybe he wants a day to himself. While I may be in the minority and sympathise with you, I can also appreciate the feelings of the majority of guys out there who would say you were just being clingy. Is it really that bad if one day he doesn't text you? He's not gonna forget about you. Go and do other stuff. He probably will be.

(Original post by SFC_FOREVER!)
That's still only 3 minutes...

Anyway I didn't think she was referring to 10 times a day, just the once when he was out or similar situations like that.
But, every day? You can understand why most guys would feel crowded.
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SFC_FOREVER!
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#9
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I think it's up to the preference of the individual person. I don't have a problem with texting at all, I actually like texting the GF sometimes. Everyone is different though.
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khil
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#10
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#10
Calm down lol - you're making this into a big deal when it's not.

Ok, the text thing - that's your bf's habit - deal with it. He still texts you goodnight, he still remembers you, he's still thinking of you - it's just his habit to text you when he finishes clubbing. Everyone has their own ways. If it bothers you THAT much talk to him, but the likelihood is he just thinks it makes more sense to text you goodnight when he's actually going to sleep.

And as for a girl wanting the guy to WANT to do something. No, guys don't work like that. In fact, my boyfriend of 1yr8months still don't understand that. My other close friend took a long while when his fiancee had to explain the same concept to him.

My boyfriend's logic to it is this - "Surely it means more when I do something even though I don't want to do it, but I do it nonetheless just because I want you to be happy?" Because it's a lot harder to do things you don't wanna, but you do it, you make that extra effort, because that person is simply that important to you. On the other hand, if you WANT to do something, then it's less effort, and it's not a sacrifice. So because he does what he does not want to do, just for you, it's a sacrifice that he's willing to make for you because you're special to him.

And my boyfriend's logic is this as well - "I can't change the way I feel - I don't want to do it, just like you can't make yourself want to do the washing up. When I ask if you could get me a drink, you don't WANT to get me a drink but you get it anyway cus you love me, and you can't make yourself want to." (it's true, I wouldn't WANT to deliberately go downstairs to get him a drink, though I often ask him to do that for me lol)

Basically, I've realised - when my bf asks me to do him favours etc, I find it a hassle and I don't want to either, and sometimes I ask him "Do I have to?" - but I do it anyway, just for him. It's the same with him. And why should I expect him to WANT to do everything I ask of him when I don't do that myself?

So the whole contact thing - tell him to make some effort. In the end it IS a responsibility and we're all young - we don't like responsibilities. It's not that he does not want to talk to you, or that he does not like you enough - it's just sometimes he prefers to do other things. He needs less attention than you (that's not to imply you're attention-seeking, you're not. But different people need different levels of attention). If you need more attention than he's giving, you need to talk with him so that he knows, because if he doesn't know then he can't do anything about it. Sometimes guys wanna do other things other than talk to their gfs and it's got nothing to do with whether they like you or not - it just means they like doing whatever it is they wanna do at that point. Just as you might wanna read a book at a certain point instead of chat with your bf - it has nothing to do with how much you love him and nothing to do with whether you enjoy his company etc - it just means you wanna read a book at that point. There're no second meanings.

All in all, calm down. Guys don't work in the same way as girls do, and why should they? They're men for a reason lol. If you're unhappy with the way some things are done, talk to him, not us
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khil
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#11
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(Original post by SFC_FOREVER!)
Bit out of order really. It's not as if it is hard to send a text message, would take all of 20 seconds out of his time. Sounds like he doesn't sometimes appreciate you all that much.
The texiting someone goodnight thing - perhaps it just makes more sense in the bf's head to text goodnight when you're actually going to sleep. You normally initiate a goodnight when you're about to sleep - it's true - therefore why would you think to say goodnight before then? It's illogical, on a certain level.

Of course I know the girl means he should say goodnight to her because he should know that she's going to bed, and it's courtesy. But the bf may not see it that way. Why would it make sense to say goodnight to someone when you're not going to bed and you don't know if the girl is going to bed at that point?
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Beckysparkle
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(Original post by irisng)
My boyfriend's logic to it is this - "Surely it means more when I do something even though I don't want to do it, but I do it nonetheless just because I want you to be happy?" Because it's a lot harder to do things you don't wanna, but you do it, you make that extra effort, because that person is simply that important to you. On the other hand, if you WANT to do something, then it's less effort, and it's not a sacrifice. So because he does what he does not want to do, just for you, it's a sacrifice that he's willing to make for you because you're special to him.
That's a really good point, thanks for replying . I think I want to work on that myself as I always want to treat others how I want to be treated myself. I defo want to make him happy and I wanna put that above how I'm feeling, so next time I'm tired or annoyed and not wanting to talk (which is rare, but still!) I'll still make the effort (even if he hasn't) instead of pulling back to see what he'll do (like I'm currently doing) which doesn't really help the situation!!

I just had a random chat with him on msn and he said he's going to make more effort to contact me just so I won't worry he's died or something which was nice hehe. He reassured me that he does love talking to me and is going to try and stop just calling me when it's convienient to him as he realises this can be a bit selfish (the other week he had been busy with his friends so I didn't call as not to interupt him but then he decided to ring me when he was done at 2.45 am which wasn't really very cool as I was asleep lol!).

I think it's just the fact that I'm quite hormonal at the moment so things that wouldn't normally get to me so much were!!
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Chumbaniya
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#13
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(Original post by Beckysparkle)
I've had to go to bed without hearing from him.
This phrase suggests to me that maybe your expectations are a little high - the implication is that you want to hear from him every night before you go to sleep, which strikes me as a bit insecure. Or do you simply not trust him to be out with his mates?

No matter how good a relationship is, there can always be a point when communication becomes excessive and is a chore. And when communication becomes a chore, it hurts the relationship because you begin to resent the obligations it places on you. If you just contact each other when you want to do so, the contact is never going to be forced and unpleasant for either of you, which is a good thing. And receiving a little message telling you he loves you will be so much more meaningful if you know he's done it purely because he wanted to, and not because you expect him to every day.
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Beckysparkle
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#14
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oh, I trust him 100 per cent so it's not that. I think we just both like to hear from each other before we sleep as at uni we were living close so could always say goodnight and then go to our rooms and sleep but when we are away from each other we developed a 'tradition' of putting this sentiment into texts and he told me he always looks forward to these texts etc. He obviously doesn't mind sending these texts or he just wouldn't bother, surely? More what I was getting at is that he could be a little more considerate about when he sends them, as I feel I am with him. I appreciate that we're both different and have other habits but then if it were not my situation then I'd tell the guy that it's no hassle to spend 20 secs typing a text message at a slightly earlier time so you can ensure your girlfriend will be happy. Obviously this is something that is easy enough to bring up with him and talk about it as it is only a minor thing in the grand scheme of things.
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khil
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#15
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(Original post by Beckysparkle)
That's a really good point, thanks for replying . I think I want to work on that myself as I always want to treat others how I want to be treated myself. I defo want to make him happy and I wanna put that above how I'm feeling, so next time I'm tired or annoyed and not wanting to talk (which is rare, but still!) I'll still make the effort (even if he hasn't) instead of pulling back to see what he'll do (like I'm currently doing) which doesn't really help the situation!!

I just had a random chat with him on msn and he said he's going to make more effort to contact me just so I won't worry he's died or something which was nice hehe. He reassured me that he does love talking to me and is going to try and stop just calling me when it's convienient to him as he realises this can be a bit selfish (the other week he had been busy with his friends so I didn't call as not to interupt him but then he decided to ring me when he was done at 2.45 am which wasn't really very cool as I was asleep lol!).

I think it's just the fact that I'm quite hormonal at the moment so things that wouldn't normally get to me so much were!!
Aww that sounds very sweet of your boyfriend - and you too It sounds like you have a good relationship. Great to hear that things are working itself out!
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