The Student Room Group

I am a pushover?

From very young, I (as well as my family) known that I can be a bit 'soft'. But an indicident today really brought it into focus and made it clear to both me and one of my family members (an in-law) which really made me feel like ****.

Basically, my dad asked me to do a few things for him as he was out an was going to travel for the holidays. My aunty, her sister-in-law and cousin came around later that night to see him off. I got interrupted in what I was doing for my dad to keep them company for a bit. I did a bit of tidying around the house (as it was a state). Then my dad came in (and things started to kick off).

I was ironing at first, he called me upstairs to make him something to eat, so I started to prepare some food, then he came downstairs and went MENTAL when he saw I left the iron on even though 1) It was on the metal holding thingy 2) he was the one who interrupted me to make him some food in the first place. So I went to switch it off and was kinda pissed when I hadn't finished ironing the clothes he asked me too (which to be fair was quite lot) and suddenly decided he wasn't going to take them (****ing waste of time). Then I put the iron away and continue preparing the food and my cousin asks me to fill up a baby bottle (for her little girl) with hot water. Not knowing how to open the fliping bottle (shameful, I know), I start fumbling around with it and my dad starts moaning about his food, so I hurried up and did both things for my dad and my cousin.

I go upstairs in my room for a bit, and my dad calls me down to help him with media player on the computer because he's watching some music concert (which is ridiculous as he was in the middle of packing his bags ffs!!!). He then started moaning that I didn't put the ironing board away (since the mains are near the computer) and as I do so, my cousin calls me take her child out the way of the TV (as she's causing havoc with the mains plugs). At this point I have about three people (my dad, my cousin and my aunty) calling me at the same time to do stuff for them. I really was going to go schizo on them all but managed to hold it all in as I didn't want to make things worse (my dad was packing to leave and was under a bit of pressure). I ended the evening playing secretary to my dad's phonecalls (both landline and mobile). At this point my the in-law takes me aside and says that I should be more strong and not be a pushover. She also points out that it's something she's noticed with a lot of my family on my dads side that they basically use me as a doormat and I don't often fight back and I shouldn't accept it, especially from my cousins (most of which are older than me), and I should just about tolerate it from my dad and aunt. (EDIT: TBH, there was a WHOLE lot more to the story, but that's all I could remember).

See, I am the oldest and from a strict african family, and when I was growing up, I was taught to respect those older than me, and when I grow up and do what I have to do they will give respect back. I'm 20 now and still haven't seen this respect reciprocated back, and they don't treat me like they would other members in my family (even my younger brother and sister ffs!!). I'm not the most talkative of people (which doesn't help) and am quite calm and rational, but it seems the times I do loose my temper/tell them how I feel they don't understand and think I don't respect them/I'm being rude etc. Funny thing is, they laud my sister (at times) whenever she displays these qualities, saying she's headstrong, won't take not BS, blah blah. In fact both my siblings get away with things that I would get a clip around the ear when I was growing up. I don't get my family at times. What am I doing so wrong? If they asked my brother or sister to do some of that stuff and they said no once, they'll accept it, but they'll keep pushing me till I give in and do it for them :frown: :frown:. Anyone else feel like me? Especially interested to hear from anyone form an african background.
(Sorry for the length and if it sounded really whiny, just needed some friendly advice)
Reply 1
Syres4me
I was ironing at first, he called me upstairs to make him something to eat

Cant he make his own food?!?! He should know better.

Syres4me
he came downstairs and went MENTAL when he saw I left the iron on even though

Err he should thank you that you're ironing his clothes for starters..

Syres4me
suddenly decided he wasn't going to take them

Okay that's just really out of order.

Syres4me
my cousin asks me to fill up a baby bottle (for her little girl) with hot water.

Can she not see you're busy?!

I could go on forever here....
Respecting elders doesn't mean that you have to be a slave for them!
Your aunties sister in law is right, you have to stand your ground and not let them push you around.
You're not doing anything wrong and nobody deserves to be treated that way, you deserve a lot better. :hugs:
You're not necesserily a pushover, but they are taking advantage of you.
I say you are a pushover, just a little bit, just a little.......................
Reply 4
Don't try and reply to your own thread as anon!