help - Brother is "under the thumb" (long post)

Hi All,

Its a really really complicated situation here, My brother is losing all hsi friends because his girlfriend is controlling his life!

They've been going out 4 months now and its really affecting his life, not only with his friends but his family. As a big brother I'm naturally going to look out for my younger brothers and do whatever i can to help them, I need suggestions on how i can help my brother with this situation he is in at present.

Firstly his Girlfriend is the daughter of a millionaire so she is a spoilt brat who gets everything she wants and everything goes her way... if it makes any difference she's the youngest child of 3 sisters.

She only has 1 friend... all be her best friend is the daughter of the celebrity chef and arrogant **** Steven Saunders. They are both as stuck up and as arrogant as each other and when together make pure evil!

My brother is a very sociable person and has a large group of friends, they are very very patient with him because he isn't the most reliable of people in the world as in has his own time zone and everything revolves around that.

His girlfriend recently has started to controll his life, She MAKES him come round to her house and not see his friends, he MUST always go round there every Saturday evening without fail! Throughout the week when my brother goes out with his mates he will get a phonecall from his Girlfiend and she will insist he comes round to hers right away, and he has to obey otherwise she phones him and sends text messages like the following which he has showed me. "I really love you, I wish you loved me as much" and she is starting to use emotional blackmail.

Whenever she wants to spend an evening out with her sisters or her one and only friend (her sisters are 23 and 25, she is 18) then she will tell my brother that he's not to come round or that she wants to spend some time with her friends... Yet when he wants an evening out with his mates she can't stand it and wants all his attention. Last night my brother was out with his mates and they had a domestic over the phone. My brother was supposed to be going out with a meal with her this afternoon for their 4 month anniversary and to meet her uncle and whatever. because of the domestic last night because he didn't want to spend the night round hers she refused to let him go with her.

since then she has sent him more text messages trying to make him feel guilty. the thing is he feels really bad and can't see that she is manipulating him the way i can and my parents can.

He's recently been lying saying "i'm going to meet (insert friends name here)" when really he is going round to her house because we've been making comments like bunny boiler, so he tries to hide the fact of where he is going. This is causing arguments between him and my parents because they do like to know the truth about stuff and where we are.

the thing is he says I'll be home later" and we won't see him for 2 days or so because she's pretty much got him under the tumb and won't let him leave until her satisfaction is fufilled.

what makes it even harder is she was his "first love" so i think he feels compelled to stay with her and he's blinded by "love" and can't see her for what she really is, she has practically brainwashed him and he's ignoring his friends and family now and only obsessed by his girlfriend.

oh and one last thing, she has no job because daddy buys her everything and anything she wants. My brother needs a job and needs to learn to support himself. He left school in May because he was only doing vocational courses that didn't have exams, since then has only continued to work 2 or 3 days a week at JD sports, half the time he phones in sick because he has stayed round her house and she won't let him go to work because she wants attention. this is going to look bad on any reference because of the amount of time he has off sick.

can any body suggest a way we can make him see what she is doing to his life.

please help!!!

Reply 1

dh00001

16

its a hard situation because it looks as though he is refusing to see it and accept it.
really you need to make him realise on his own, kicking his door down and telling him to stop seeing the bitch because shes controlling him will cause him to rebel against you. as you have seen.
sit down with, not sit him down, just talk to him as you would a normal spontanius conversation.
start along the lines of commenting about how hes getting grief and youve realised its his decsion. and so you want to know about the relationship.
ask him whats good and what he likes.
then you can add in the bad things but pose them as general questions not statements. eg- so do the two of you go out with your friends together?

that probably doesnt make much sense but he does need to see it on his own, and when he does you need to be there for him and convince him that he can find someone better and not all relationships are like that.

Reply 2

loadkezzle

I think that you should try to find him a really nice girl. Introduce them, and let him see for himself exactly what he is missing! By comparing the casual relationship that he could have with her to the way he is "under the thumb" at the moment, I think I know what I would choose. That little princess of his should be taught a lesson, and come to realisation that she can't always get what she wants in this world, just because she has a rich daddy. Try drumming your opinions into your brothers head, he may not like it, but I am sure he would thank you for it later. He needs to learn to be able to stand up for himself, and if he wants to go out with his friends then he should stay out with his friends, rather than following her orders. Your brothers seems like a popular guy to me, does he have a friend who is that little bit closer than the rest? If so, maybe you could talk to them about it and find out what they could do the help.

Reply 3

daniel_williams

OP

15

loadkezzle

I think that you should try to find him a really nice girl. Introduce them, and let him see for himself exactly what he is missing! By comparing the casual relationship that he could have with her to the way he is "under the thumb" at the moment, I think I know what I would choose. That little princess of his should be taught a lesson, and come to realisation that she can't always get what she wants in this world, just because she has a rich daddy. Try drumming your opinions into your brothers head, he may not like it, but I am sure he would thank you for it later. He needs to learn to be able to stand up for himself, and if he wants to go out with his friends then he should stay out with his friends, rather than following her orders. Your brothers seems like a popular guy to me, does he have a friend who is that little bit closer than the rest? If so, maybe you could talk to them about it and find out what they could do the help.

well he doesn't have a closest freidn but has 2 very close friends who have been on about it all the time,

quite often if he is going out clubbing she will invite herself along so that he can't get into any mischief and she can watch him, she even spies on him in local pubs when he is with his mates.

He's so happy at the moment because of not going to this meal and he's really let his hair down this afternoon, We decided to have a BBQ and invite his mates round and we had a little party where he really let his hair down and enjoyed himself. I made him put his phone in his room so she couldn't have any contact with her and i think its done him the world of good.

i'm going to have a word with him later when its all quietened down because i've seen a lotof difference in him today, its the brother i used to have!

its a bit like the ziggy and channel scenario in the big brother house, i think she is starting to drive him insane a bit because she is so demanding. (sorry for all of you out there that are Big Brother haters... i'm not too keen on it but have followed bits of the show)

Reply 4

loadkezzle

daniel_williams

well he doesn't have a closest freidn but has 2 very close friends who have been on about it all the time,

quite often if he is going out clubbing she will invite herself along so that he can't get into any mischief and she can watch him, she even spies on him in local pubs when he is with his mates.

He's so happy at the moment because of not going to this meal and he's really let his hair down this afternoon, We decided to have a BBQ and invite his mates round and we had a little party where he really let his hair down and enjoyed himself. I made him put his phone in his room so she couldn't have any contact with her and i think its done him the world of good.

i'm going to have a word with him later when its all quietened down because i've seen a lotof difference in him today, its the brother i used to have!

its a bit like the ziggy and channel scenario in the big brother house, i think she is starting to drive him insane a bit because she is so demanding. (sorry for all of you out there that are Big Brother haters... i'm not too keen on it but have followed bits of the show)

Awwwh that's really good! Just have to hope he stays that way...she seems really overprotective and paranoid. Similar thing has happened to me believe it or not! Glad he is back to normal again, and haha likewise with big brother! Chanelle has walked out apparently, due to an emotional row with Ziggy (or something like that!) It was on the radio before :eek:

Reply 5

laur*

hahaha i know who you're talking about. i take it you're from somewhere around cambridge?

Reply 6

daniel_williams

OP

15

laur*

hahaha i know who you're talking about. i take it you're from somewhere around cambridge?

yep, From Royston... so who would be the person in question :P....

Reply 7

laur*

i know serena quite well. don't worry, i'm not a fan.

Reply 8

daniel_williams

OP

15

laur*

i know serena quite well. don't worry, i'm not a fan.

oh ok... well i've never met her, but Serena's best friend is my brothers boyfriend... maybe i shouldn't get so personal with the names... (i'm starting to feel bad now that i'm actually getting so personal with this).... but its for my brothers own good. it infuriates me to see him in this position. its like she is already planning a wedding and getting their own place. and i know thats how my parents see it as well.

anyone else able to help??

Reply 9

laur*

daniel_williams

oh ok... well i've never met her, but Serena's best friend is my brothers boyfriend... maybe i shouldn't get so personal with the names... (i'm starting to feel bad now that i'm actually getting so personal with this).... but its for my brothers own good. it infuriates me to see him in this position. its like she is already planning a wedding and getting their own place. and i know thats how my parents see it as well.

anyone else able to help??

na i understand, and i think i know her friend that you're talking about- in that case, i definitely understand!

and i think this is really sweet by the way (that you care!)

Reply 10

abc101

17

She sounds like a little skank. Difficult situation...you don't wanna keep getting on at him about her because he will get defensive and refuse to accept your perception of the situation, and he might just keep going out with her and become more exclusive to spite you, so that he doesn't have to admit he was wrong about her.

I'd say just try to voice your concerns about her in a calm, non-confrontational way. Perhaps start by asking how things are going with her, and stressing you're there if he ever wants to talk about things (with you both being guys I'm aware this could be a bit difficult as I know my brothers never have heart-to-hearts like that! So just kind of adapt it to the way you normally talk). Do you have an anecdote that you can share about a similar ex-girlfriend of yours, or a friend who was in his predicament, like you're speaking from experience?

You could say something like you're glad he's got someone he cares about but you're concerned that it's a one-sided relationship - him having to drop plans with his mates to be with her but her not giving anything up for him - and that he doesn't appear to have the freedom he used to, and you don't think that's going to make him happy in the long-term.

The thing about the bbq sounds good - it'd be cool if you could organise something with a few of his mates, a lads' night or something or just having a few of them round for food, and go hide his phone somewhere :wink:

That way he'll be having an ace time with his pals and not thinking about her. Then if he does go back to look at his phone at the end of the night and sees all these obsessive messages from her - "Where are you?" "Text me back now!" etc, he'll be thinking, "Why am I with such a psycho?!" He'll be able to contrast the great fun he's had with his mates and the freedom to hang out with them with the shackles his girlfriend is placing on him. It's important for him to realise the reality of their relationship himself, although obviously he needs a little bit of help on the way.

Don't openly criticise her, because that might make him defensive - bring up elements of their relationship that you're worried about, like him not seeing his mates or missing work, rather than attacking her as a person. The work thing sounds pretty major, so you could bring that up - say you don't want him to lose his job or have a crappy reference because of all the time he's skiving, and that nothing should come in the way of him going to do the job he's paid to do. Good luck!

Reply 11

nota bene

15

daniel_williams

anyone else able to help??

I'll just throw in some comments, probably not going to help much as you seem to have quite a good grip of the situation...

As you say, most important is to get your brother to realise that his girlfriend is becoming a problem. As someone else (dh?) said, do so by just naturally talk to him, and not force it down his throat.

Once your brother has understood there is a problem I guess there are several things to do, but try to support him as much as necessary (which I'm sure you will!). Your brother needs to make sure his gf knows he's not okay with that she forces him to obey and come around when she calls etc. Probably easiest to just not give in some time, and she'll realise he means it. This can either lead to them breaking up, or that she gets over her obsessiveness, but anything to change the current situation is my understanding of this - or?

I don't envy your position :frown:

It's really hard to try to give advice.

help - Brother is "under the thumb" (long post)

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