Should I or shouldn't I..

So, in general, I'm a fairly 'normal' sort of girl. I've only had relationships (cringe at the thought of using that word with respect to one or two), or well, at least long-term things.

In the case of numbers 1 and 2, both were huge mistakes, huge regrets that hang over my shoulder. I was taken advantage of, in the worst kind of physical way. I basically should've gone to the police (well, with #2). I thought that it would only happen once and it was only the second time I got the courage to just get out and sever all ties completely.

That's the thing isn't it when you're young? Well, it was for me. I felt like it was either that or nothing and didn't think I'd be able to find anybody else. The only reason I remained with that jerk for so long was because of my own insecurities.

Then I found someone else, and we had a good year, until again, being taken advantage of rears its ugly head. Different though, this time. More in a doing everything, getting nothing in return kinda way than anything else. Just got fed up.

That was 2 and a half years ago, I'm coming up to 22. And all of the above is behind me now.

As most of my friends spent a lot of time away, I found myself getting involved with online communities a bit. Ah who am I kidding? A lot. And it was/is great.

Dunno what you guys think it's like for a girl in an online world, but let me tell you, some of the drama is just plain laughable. I never wanted to be the type to use my femininity for my own gain. I made good friends, true friends, friends I've met up with a fair few times and a few I still want to.

And in this way I've mostly stayed trouble free. A few little hiccups, being accused of leading a guy on, etc. Seriously, trying to be someone's friend is enough for them to fall desperately 'in love'. But that's beside the point.

I have a friend. I mean, an actual friend - a friendship that started when he was actually involved with someone (I found it safer at first to make friends, be truly myself with people I knew wouldn't try and mimic the above - involved guys, gay guys. I can be myself, not reserved, etc. It sounds like I wanted to steal the involved guys, not the case). A little older, nothing major I mean I'm nearly 22 myself so the gaps matter less by now. But a friend I value nonetheless, and one who at the same time I find incredibly attractive. It goes against my general way of being but the idea of being with him is something that I just can't get out of my head no matter how hard I try or how many films I go see at the cinema to distract myself.

I've always thought that from what I know/have seen but it's only in the last week or so it's really surfaced and a joke became a serious discussion and now I'm left with deciding whether or not I should just.. go for it.

It's not easy to have massive self confidence when you've been treated as crappy as I have...

Or indeed when you've been single (through choice, I might add) for so long. It's odd but once you get used to it, it's kinda easy to just be by yourself. And desires and needs get mostly forgotten. Until one day they resurface with avengeance.

I suppose the biggest thing holding me back is not living up to expectation. The way I look, the way I am. I'm not the thinnest gal in the world at a 12/14 but my frame suits it, I couldn't be a size 8 without shrinking my bones down and all that... I'm 5'7" ish.

And then there's the whole thing about forgetting how to... you know, be any good? Feels silly to say. What, is it instinct? Hmm..

For the first time I can remember the idea of not actually having a proper, "committed" relationship is greatly appealing considering my poor track record.

The idea of it being a bit of a crazy thing to do is in my head of course, too. But the idea of being a little crazy seems quite appealing. I should add that through mutual sources I know him to not be a complete psycho or anything like that :wink:

And there's a part of me, it's almost in a weird sort of spiritual way, that thinks that things that happen.. when you really feel strongly about something, and you just have this feeling about it, that it would all work out. Like an idea that completely possesses you and takes you over, and if you don't follow that through then you will regret it for... ever? Who knows. Can anyone empathise?

It's just instinct I suppose. Some sort of bizarre instinct. I don't claim to be psychic or anything like that but I do think that when any sort of connection is formed if it is that powerful then you should go for it.

Just musing really. I need someone to talk to!

Reply 1

Profesh

So long as he isn't me; go for it.

Reply 2

Anonymous #1

o.O Odd post, lol :biggrin:

Reply 3

Music_Enthusiast

Is that a quote from the new Harry Potter book? Either way I won't be reading it any time soon.

Reply 4

sugar-pie

Shreerac27

Is that a quote from the new Harry Potter book? Either way I won't be reading it any time soon.

more like a chapter.

bullet point summaries work better for me :wink:

Reply 5

Anonymous #1

Thanks a lot for the awesome advice so far!

I may be hiding behind an anon but I do tend to be quite an active person here, trying to help others out. :\

Reply 6

sugar-pie

Well your original post was fairly convoluted so it's kind of difficult to get exactly what's going on... I'd say go with your gut instinct though. Have you actually met this guy a lot of time before? Bear in mind people are a lot different online to what they are in real life, normally. But if you can't get him off your mind and you really really want to, be confident and go for it! If something bad happens to you this time (hopefully not!) you HAVE to go to the police, for the sake of your self esteem. (Becuase to violence against women...