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death grief.. loss of a sibling
Don't really know how to word this.. i seem to have lost all ability to put words together since my brothers accident,
he passed away just before christmas in a tragic accident, since then i've endured his 26th birthday, his funeral, christmas, my 24th birthday, my dads 50th birthday, the inquest into his death,.. and numerous other significant anniversiries.. 2 months since his death, 9 weeks since the funeral, 6 months since the day of the accdent.. that sort of thing.. every day has some significance and it feels like i'm forever counting down the days till another of these anniversaries
.
My life has completely turned up side down, i've never felt so miserable and lost.. i don't know what to do, who to talk to.. my parents are going through hell and i'm now an only sibling..
does anyone know of any support groups or bereavement counselling?? my doctor has given me a number for cruse but the waiting list is horrendous.. its been 3 months since i first rang and i'm still no nearer an appointment!
alternatively if anyone else has been through this and come out the other end and wants to chat or recommend a book,
absolutely anything? i'm pretty desperate
he passed away just before christmas in a tragic accident, since then i've endured his 26th birthday, his funeral, christmas, my 24th birthday, my dads 50th birthday, the inquest into his death,.. and numerous other significant anniversiries.. 2 months since his death, 9 weeks since the funeral, 6 months since the day of the accdent.. that sort of thing.. every day has some significance and it feels like i'm forever counting down the days till another of these anniversaries
.
My life has completely turned up side down, i've never felt so miserable and lost.. i don't know what to do, who to talk to.. my parents are going through hell and i'm now an only sibling..
does anyone know of any support groups or bereavement counselling?? my doctor has given me a number for cruse but the waiting list is horrendous.. its been 3 months since i first rang and i'm still no nearer an appointment!
alternatively if anyone else has been through this and come out the other end and wants to chat or recommend a book,
absolutely anything? i'm pretty desperate
I know it sounds like a stupid suggestion, but try your local Citizens Advice Bureau. They have records of loads of local charities and organisations for loads of things, including bereavement.
They will be able to find out if there are any local groups as well as national ones, which are likely to have a shorter waiting list.
I really hope you find somewhere that can help, and I think its terrible there is a massive waiting list for Cruse. 3 months is much too long for a shock like bereavement.
They will be able to find out if there are any local groups as well as national ones, which are likely to have a shorter waiting list.
I really hope you find somewhere that can help, and I think its terrible there is a massive waiting list for Cruse. 3 months is much too long for a shock like bereavement.
Reply 3
hmm i been like that about a freind who passed away. This sounds silly but in a few days itl b 1 year and for me thats the final mark- i was like 3 months after, her bday and doing that. I think il feel more at peace and cant wait till that day comes. I cant think of any books, although this sounds harsh but someone was talking once about people and how they rely on those whove passed away for answers and they said it makes no sense, theyve gone. Why live life through them, they cat help you. And made me think that this is my life and it will go at some point too. She led hers and this is mine. Sorry if blunt but it seemed to shake me up a bit-not a huge amount but the year will do.
Reply 4
Anonymous
Don't really know how to word this.. i seem to have lost all ability to put words together since my brothers accident,
he passed away just before christmas in a tragic accident, since then i've endured his 26th birthday, his funeral, christmas, my 24th birthday, my dads 50th birthday, the inquest into his death,.. and numerous other significant anniversiries.. 2 months since his death, 9 weeks since the funeral, 6 months since the day of the accdent.. that sort of thing.. every day has some significance and it feels like i'm forever counting down the days till another of these anniversaries
.
My life has completely turned up side down, i've never felt so miserable and lost.. i don't know what to do, who to talk to.. my parents are going through hell and i'm now an only sibling..
does anyone know of any support groups or bereavement counselling?? my doctor has given me a number for cruse but the waiting list is horrendous.. its been 3 months since i first rang and i'm still no nearer an appointment!
alternatively if anyone else has been through this and come out the other end and wants to chat or recommend a book,
absolutely anything? i'm pretty desperate
he passed away just before christmas in a tragic accident, since then i've endured his 26th birthday, his funeral, christmas, my 24th birthday, my dads 50th birthday, the inquest into his death,.. and numerous other significant anniversiries.. 2 months since his death, 9 weeks since the funeral, 6 months since the day of the accdent.. that sort of thing.. every day has some significance and it feels like i'm forever counting down the days till another of these anniversaries
.
My life has completely turned up side down, i've never felt so miserable and lost.. i don't know what to do, who to talk to.. my parents are going through hell and i'm now an only sibling..
does anyone know of any support groups or bereavement counselling?? my doctor has given me a number for cruse but the waiting list is horrendous.. its been 3 months since i first rang and i'm still no nearer an appointment!
alternatively if anyone else has been through this and come out the other end and wants to chat or recommend a book,
absolutely anything? i'm pretty desperate
take a train up north...walk to the top of hellwellyn or scarfell pyke. Sit down and close your eyes and just think it over rationally - spend hours thinking about it and thinking about the future and trying to move on. It takes time but being away from the city in an isolated tranquil place really helps. When i am having mental issues in the sad sense, i do this or try get out of london to somewhere quiet and natury - it really revitalises the body and mind - kind of like meditation and it works for me - might work for you - give it a go i say.
P.S. councellers are crap - had no luck with them when i was going through anxiety - they were just stating the obvious like "you are very sad and not happy here" "you want to move on" "you are smart but have not settled down and miss home" and crap like that - completely unproductive!
Reply 5
Hi OP. I have been in a similar situation to you, however it was my best friend who died, not a sibling. We were very close though so it felt like losing a sibling. Anyway, PM me and we'll chat that way or through MSN because talking about bereavement and helping people feel a bit better is not very easy on a forum. x
http://www.bbc.co.uk/relationships/coping_with_grief/bereavement_index.shtml
OP it would be so easy for me to say I know how you feel but as someone who has never tragically lost anyone close to me, and as an only child, I cannot possibly fully comprehend what you must be going through
but it must be a terrible helpless feeling
The BBC normally have good links so I hope the one above does help you to come to terms with your loss
May your brother rest in peace and may you and your family find peace
PM me if you want to talk
OP it would be so easy for me to say I know how you feel but as someone who has never tragically lost anyone close to me, and as an only child, I cannot possibly fully comprehend what you must be going through
but it must be a terrible helpless feeling
The BBC normally have good links so I hope the one above does help you to come to terms with your loss
May your brother rest in peace and may you and your family find peace
PM me if you want to talk
Reply 7
another open ear here, pm me or msn is an alternative, i agree about going somewhere really isolated and just sitting there, not even thinking maybe just half conscious half awake, it'll take time, did that when my dad was in hospital and after another close relative died, don't suffer in silence though, try and talk to your parents if you can, or your sibling, if not, i'm in london and will be happy to meet you somewhere for a chat.
Reply 8
i dont know if this would help anyone but i like having pictures of the person i lost all around my house, it seems comforting to me and definately helped me, im not sure why or if it would work for anyone else, but it got reccomended to me
im sorry for your loss and hope you do begin to come to terms with it soon
im sorry for your loss and hope you do begin to come to terms with it soon
Reply 9
Every persons grief is different my twin brother died over a year ago and I still feel totally lost. Take every day as it comes, doing things like anniversaries are tough but important as they help your mind realise your new situation.
Every day will seem like a new struggle and you may never be 'truley' happy but eventually you will feel at peace with the world and begin to rebuild your life. Think of the good times you had; use your memories to keep you strong. good luck
Every day will seem like a new struggle and you may never be 'truley' happy but eventually you will feel at peace with the world and begin to rebuild your life. Think of the good times you had; use your memories to keep you strong. good luck
Reply 10
OP - you might find this useful http://www.childbereavement.org.uk/
Although I have no idea what it is like to lose a sibling, my best friend died when I was 16. I was, and maybe still am, several years later, absolutely devastated by her death, and can only imagine what it is like to lose a brother. Just take every day as it comes. It's all "baby steps": even coming to terms with how everything has changed is a long journey. You're in my thoughts xxx
Although I have no idea what it is like to lose a sibling, my best friend died when I was 16. I was, and maybe still am, several years later, absolutely devastated by her death, and can only imagine what it is like to lose a brother. Just take every day as it comes. It's all "baby steps": even coming to terms with how everything has changed is a long journey. You're in my thoughts xxx
I'm really sorry you had to go through this tragedy. I too lost my only sibling, my older brother who had just finished university, at 22, when I was 15, to a rare sudden brain illness. It is the worst thing i've had and will ever have to experience. All I can say is devastating, but in time you will learn to live with and 'tolerate' the fact that he's gone. It does get easier.
People often come out with cliches like you 'get over it' or 'move on' but you don't. So don't feel any pressure to do this. You just have to rebuild your life in a way that enables you to be happy again. But you will always have a big hole there.
I agree with the suggestions about getting away from the city. I find it very peaceful to go and walk in the country or by the sea. It makes me feel closer to nature and my brother; away from the everyday hustle and bustle.
I once went to a wonderful event organised by a bereaved family. Grief was described as a spiky ball. At first it is so spiky that you are consumed with pain and it is unbearable but over time the spikes become worn, less painful and more bearable. Eventually the spikes go away but you never get rid of the ball. Personally I find that to be so true.
The main way I found support was to connect with others who could share my feelings. I found this support from various websites / forums and books. I found it really therepeutic to be able to validate my feelings by seeing that others had felt a lot of the same.
Here are some links that I found really helpful...
http://www.counselingstlouis.net ( an american website) and http://tcfsiblingsupport.org.uk
Name All the Animals by Alison Smith (a story based on the author's own experience of losing a sibling as a teenager) & Recovering from the Loss of a Sibling by Katherine Fair Donnelly were both books that I found helpful.
Personally, didn't really find counselors to be very helpful at all. They actually made me feel worse but everyone is different and it really depends on the person.
I wish you all the strength in the world for the future. Feel free to PM me.
Peace x
People often come out with cliches like you 'get over it' or 'move on' but you don't. So don't feel any pressure to do this. You just have to rebuild your life in a way that enables you to be happy again. But you will always have a big hole there.
I agree with the suggestions about getting away from the city. I find it very peaceful to go and walk in the country or by the sea. It makes me feel closer to nature and my brother; away from the everyday hustle and bustle.
I once went to a wonderful event organised by a bereaved family. Grief was described as a spiky ball. At first it is so spiky that you are consumed with pain and it is unbearable but over time the spikes become worn, less painful and more bearable. Eventually the spikes go away but you never get rid of the ball. Personally I find that to be so true.
The main way I found support was to connect with others who could share my feelings. I found this support from various websites / forums and books. I found it really therepeutic to be able to validate my feelings by seeing that others had felt a lot of the same.
Here are some links that I found really helpful...
http://www.counselingstlouis.net ( an american website) and http://tcfsiblingsupport.org.uk
Name All the Animals by Alison Smith (a story based on the author's own experience of losing a sibling as a teenager) & Recovering from the Loss of a Sibling by Katherine Fair Donnelly were both books that I found helpful.
Personally, didn't really find counselors to be very helpful at all. They actually made me feel worse but everyone is different and it really depends on the person.
I wish you all the strength in the world for the future. Feel free to PM me.
Peace x
Reply 13
*huge huge hugs*
I am sympathizing with you because I know exactly how you're feeling right now. My grandad was found dead yesterday in his house, I spoke to him Thursday night and told him he sounded unwell but he was adamant he was well. I feel lost, but am trying to be strong for my dad who is in pieces about it all. Losing someone you care about is the worst feeling in the world. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk because I'm more than willing to try and help. My other grandad passed away a few years ago and i was really close to him, i saw him everyday and i thought the world of him. When he passed away i though i'd never get through it, every day seemed that little bit harder. I spent time thinking about him and the things he did that made me giggle. It took ages but i realised that the last thing he would want would be to see me in a crying state everyday. I believe he's watching over me, I'm not an overly religious person but i do believe he's around me and watching what i do. To top it all off my boyfriend (if i can call him that atm :s) dropped a bombshell yesterday which has turned my world upsidedown, everything seems to be happening all at once and its really hard to deal with. Trust me i honestly know where you're coming from. When my other grandad died a few years ago, my little sister took it terribly and had to have councelling. She came out of it a hell of a lot stronger than she used to be and maybe this is something that could work for you? She only saw someone for one hour every week for a while and just talking and sharing things with others helped her so much. If you ever need to talk please don't hesitate to PM me, but trust me time is the best healer. It may take ages, but things will get better xx<3
I am sympathizing with you because I know exactly how you're feeling right now. My grandad was found dead yesterday in his house, I spoke to him Thursday night and told him he sounded unwell but he was adamant he was well. I feel lost, but am trying to be strong for my dad who is in pieces about it all. Losing someone you care about is the worst feeling in the world. Feel free to PM me if you need to talk because I'm more than willing to try and help. My other grandad passed away a few years ago and i was really close to him, i saw him everyday and i thought the world of him. When he passed away i though i'd never get through it, every day seemed that little bit harder. I spent time thinking about him and the things he did that made me giggle. It took ages but i realised that the last thing he would want would be to see me in a crying state everyday. I believe he's watching over me, I'm not an overly religious person but i do believe he's around me and watching what i do. To top it all off my boyfriend (if i can call him that atm :s) dropped a bombshell yesterday which has turned my world upsidedown, everything seems to be happening all at once and its really hard to deal with. Trust me i honestly know where you're coming from. When my other grandad died a few years ago, my little sister took it terribly and had to have councelling. She came out of it a hell of a lot stronger than she used to be and maybe this is something that could work for you? She only saw someone for one hour every week for a while and just talking and sharing things with others helped her so much. If you ever need to talk please don't hesitate to PM me, but trust me time is the best healer. It may take ages, but things will get better xx<3
Reply 15
Found some bereavement advice on the website at http://www.remembrance-book.co.uk in their latest newsletter. I've copied it out for you. Hope it helps:
Bereavement can affect people in different ways, and the loss of a loved one is something you never forget, and in that sense never recover from.
But the way in which you remember the dead person, can make a world of difference to the person doing the remembering.
How should we remember the departed? How would you like to be remembered?
Remembrance reminds us of our loss, but we can choose which way to remember someone.
When remembering the person who has died, it helps to structure that remembrance.
You can ask yourself, "Why them?" "Why then?" "Who was to blame?" "What's the point?"
but that way lies a deepening depression, because those sort of questions can never be answered.
Better to ask yourself, "What's the funniest thing they ever did?" What was the best holiday we ever had?"
"What's the strangest thing they ever said?" "What's the best present I ever bought them / they ever bought me?"
"What was the funniest thing they ever wore?" "What made them laugh?" "When I think of them, what makes me laugh"?
It's almost impossible to laugh and be depressed at the same time. In both the above paragraphs, we would be conducting an act of remembrance,
but the first way would be destructive and would deepen our depression, whilst the second way would be constructive and would help lift us out of depression.
In may ways, whatever the circumstance of someones death, how we remember them is our choice.
Bereavement can affect people in different ways, and the loss of a loved one is something you never forget, and in that sense never recover from.
But the way in which you remember the dead person, can make a world of difference to the person doing the remembering.
How should we remember the departed? How would you like to be remembered?
Remembrance reminds us of our loss, but we can choose which way to remember someone.
When remembering the person who has died, it helps to structure that remembrance.
You can ask yourself, "Why them?" "Why then?" "Who was to blame?" "What's the point?"
but that way lies a deepening depression, because those sort of questions can never be answered.
Better to ask yourself, "What's the funniest thing they ever did?" What was the best holiday we ever had?"
"What's the strangest thing they ever said?" "What's the best present I ever bought them / they ever bought me?"
"What was the funniest thing they ever wore?" "What made them laugh?" "When I think of them, what makes me laugh"?
It's almost impossible to laugh and be depressed at the same time. In both the above paragraphs, we would be conducting an act of remembrance,
but the first way would be destructive and would deepen our depression, whilst the second way would be constructive and would help lift us out of depression.
In may ways, whatever the circumstance of someones death, how we remember them is our choice.
So sorry to hear of your loss. I have to agree with the post above mine - maybe making a remembrance scrapbook with photos, copies of artwork from CDs that he enjoyed, lyrics that he liked etc etc. Write in some of the stuff in the post above mine like 'funniest thing he did', 'best family trip' etc etc and get all his friends and family to write in it too. Maybe even write a poem about him to put in there, even if you never normally write anything.
As well as being a project to throw yourself into, it will in the long run help you to grieve.
As well as being a project to throw yourself into, it will in the long run help you to grieve.
just think of all the good things you and him did together, or listen to some of his music. i like this scrap book idea, if you do that now, and write down all the special memories then you'll always have every detail of them along with sticking pictures in.
it takes a long time to get over, i know what you're going through, take as long as you think you need
it takes a long time to get over, i know what you're going through, take as long as you think you need
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