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Smitten and confused
Posting as anon because if this got out to anyone I knew, I'd be mortified...
Right, so I'm a girl. I'm 20. I have a long-term boyfriend of 2 and a half years, and I do love him very much.
I play an online RPG that is pretty popular, and belong to a large guild of which I am a fairly high-ranking member, and thus have a pretty close-knit group of friends in the guild (the officers tend to chat to each other more than we chat to anyone else). Anyway, we had a meet-up on Saturday.
One guy I am very close to came along - by close, I mean we chat to each other a lot. To the extent that rumours started circulating. But we were in actuality just really close friends, right?
So I thought. But just meeting this chap, I could feel the tension sparking between us. He was cute, he was funny, he was great to be around. I did hug him a few times, because I tend to think it's alright to hug one's friends. I went to kiss him on the cheek once.. and he turned his head and met my lips with his. I was taken aback, but my heart hasn't beaten that fast since.. well, since the beginning of my current relationship.
Since the meet, I can't get him off my mind. Doesn't help we've talked each other to death the past couple of days because we're both bloody confused about everything. It's like that crush phase - I'm completely smitten, can't stop thinking about him, and his eyes, and how he looked, and how the gel in his hair smelt when I hugged him.
Obviously I don't want to throw away two and a half years of a relationship, and he knows this and feels really bad about everything - as do I!
I just want to know if there are any ways of getting rid of this feeling? Or has anyone felt this before? Does it spell the end of my current relationship, or might it be possible to get over it? I can't avoid the guy, as talking to him is kind of imperative to the smooth running of the guild, something I've worked for for too long to just forget or give up. I put a lot of time into the game, and he's almost always online - and as I've said, we are really close friends.
Right, so I'm a girl. I'm 20. I have a long-term boyfriend of 2 and a half years, and I do love him very much.
I play an online RPG that is pretty popular, and belong to a large guild of which I am a fairly high-ranking member, and thus have a pretty close-knit group of friends in the guild (the officers tend to chat to each other more than we chat to anyone else). Anyway, we had a meet-up on Saturday.
One guy I am very close to came along - by close, I mean we chat to each other a lot. To the extent that rumours started circulating. But we were in actuality just really close friends, right?
So I thought. But just meeting this chap, I could feel the tension sparking between us. He was cute, he was funny, he was great to be around. I did hug him a few times, because I tend to think it's alright to hug one's friends. I went to kiss him on the cheek once.. and he turned his head and met my lips with his. I was taken aback, but my heart hasn't beaten that fast since.. well, since the beginning of my current relationship.
Since the meet, I can't get him off my mind. Doesn't help we've talked each other to death the past couple of days because we're both bloody confused about everything. It's like that crush phase - I'm completely smitten, can't stop thinking about him, and his eyes, and how he looked, and how the gel in his hair smelt when I hugged him.
Obviously I don't want to throw away two and a half years of a relationship, and he knows this and feels really bad about everything - as do I!
I just want to know if there are any ways of getting rid of this feeling? Or has anyone felt this before? Does it spell the end of my current relationship, or might it be possible to get over it? I can't avoid the guy, as talking to him is kind of imperative to the smooth running of the guild, something I've worked for for too long to just forget or give up. I put a lot of time into the game, and he's almost always online - and as I've said, we are really close friends.
Anonymous
Obviously I don't want to throw away two and a half years of a relationship, and he knows this and feels really bad about everything - as do I!
Obviously I don't want to throw away two and a half years of a relationship, and he knows this and feels really bad about everything - as do I!
To be honest, that's not really a very good reason to continue a relationship. I think you need to think about what you really want. And if it's to forget about this new person, you need to do that. If it means not playing your game (or just changing your user even!), then you need to do that.
You come across like:
I have a boyfriend
I play online games
My online gaming is more important than my boyfriend.
I think you need to make a snap decision. Speaking from experience, what you're doing to your boyfriend is worth than your conventional 'drunk night out' cheating, because you're emotionally attached to this guy. If your boyfriend knew, he'd be devestated, so whatever you do you need to end it with one of them right now.
Fluent in Lies
To be honest, that's not really a very good reason to continue a relationship. I think you need to think about what you really want. And if it's to forget about this new person, you need to do that. If it means not playing your game (or just changing your user even!), then you need to do that.
You come across like:
I have a boyfriend
I play online games
My online gaming is more important than my boyfriend.
You come across like:
I have a boyfriend
I play online games
My online gaming is more important than my boyfriend.
Thanks for the somewhat sobering comments.
The main reason I am so involved in the game is because my boyfriend sadly isn't around much, and it keeps me occupied - he lives quite a way away from me, and I can't afford to go and see him much, nor can he afford to come and see me much. I guess now it sounds like I'm making excuses.
I do care about my boyfriend an awful lot. But I guess not as much as I should if I've managed to become attracted to someone else. Sigh..
The thing about being so involved with an online game, Fluent in Lies, is that you don't just think about yourself. As the OP is an officer in her guild, you end up bearing quite a bit of responsibility, and a lot rests on your shoulders whether other people have fun or not. Sometimes quitting can mess things up for them!
Anyway.
When I first started having serious thoughts about another guy with my previous ex, I knew it was time to end it. I still cared a lot but not in the same way, it wasn't love. I didn't act on it, and nothing happened with the other guy either, but for me at least knowing I felt the way I did was enough. But it was a combination of the two things, of having those feelings and also not having the same feelings for my then current bf.
You need to dig deep and have a serious think about what you want to do
I mean.. this thing with the new guy, it might not go anywhere. So imagine to yourself for a minute that you and your bf did break up, and then the thing with the new guy didn't go anywhere afterall. Would you have a huge regret about breaking up with your bf? Would it feel like you made a huge terrible mistake because you love him so much? Or would it just be more like feeling like it was the wrong thing to do because then you didn't have anyone?
If it's the latter, it's not a good enough pull to still be with a guy.. well, I think, anyway
Anyway.
When I first started having serious thoughts about another guy with my previous ex, I knew it was time to end it. I still cared a lot but not in the same way, it wasn't love. I didn't act on it, and nothing happened with the other guy either, but for me at least knowing I felt the way I did was enough. But it was a combination of the two things, of having those feelings and also not having the same feelings for my then current bf.
You need to dig deep and have a serious think about what you want to do
I mean.. this thing with the new guy, it might not go anywhere. So imagine to yourself for a minute that you and your bf did break up, and then the thing with the new guy didn't go anywhere afterall. Would you have a huge regret about breaking up with your bf? Would it feel like you made a huge terrible mistake because you love him so much? Or would it just be more like feeling like it was the wrong thing to do because then you didn't have anyone?
If it's the latter, it's not a good enough pull to still be with a guy.. well, I think, anyway
I agree with Suek - spot on. It sounds like your relationship has run it's course but you are holding on to the 'two and a half years' as a reason not to end it. It'll still be really painful to end it but it's not really fair on your boyfriend or yourself if you don't feel the same way anymore. I was in a similar situation myself and although it didn't work out with the guy I left my Ex for I have eventually managed to meet the man I will be marrying. Things always find a way of working themselves out.
I really feel for you as it's so scary breaking up with someone you've been with for a long time but it really does sound like it's the only way.
Good luck and all the best.
I really feel for you as it's so scary breaking up with someone you've been with for a long time but it really does sound like it's the only way.
Good luck and all the best.
suek
I mean.. this thing with the new guy, it might not go anywhere. So imagine to yourself for a minute that you and your bf did break up, and then the thing with the new guy didn't go anywhere afterall. Would you have a huge regret about breaking up with your bf? Would it feel like you made a huge terrible mistake because you love him so much? Or would it just be more like feeling like it was the wrong thing to do because then you didn't have anyone?
If it's the latter, it's not a good enough pull to still be with a guy.. well, I think, anyway
If it's the latter, it's not a good enough pull to still be with a guy.. well, I think, anyway
I think the thing I'm most terrified about is the thought of hurting my boyfriend at all, and of losing him as a friend rather than losing him as a boyfriend.
I'm so scared right now of doing what needs to be done.. but as you said, hellosailor, I guess things always tend to work themselves out.
Thank you all for the advice, it has been really helpful.
All your base are belong to us.
Hope this helps.
Hope this helps.
Shreerac27
All your base are belong to us.
Hope this helps.
Hope this helps.
Somebody set up us the bomb!?
Anonymous
Somebody set up us the bomb!?
Clearly things are not well in your relationship for you to kiss this other guy. Trouble is if you were to end it with your boyfriend and go with this guy only for him to drop you after he's had his fun. Not only will you be hurt, you will be thinking "I wish I never left my boyfriend" i've seen things like that happen, it's not good.
I think first thing you need to do is talk to your boyfriend and decide what you both want, because clearly you are not happy.
I think first thing you need to do is talk to your boyfriend and decide what you both want, because clearly you are not happy.
ok, i think this is just a little hiccup in your relationship, despite the fact that u kissed another guy. the only way you are going to be able to stop thinking about this guy and get back on track in your relationship with your boyfriend is if you completely distance yourself from the other guy i mean not messaging him, phoning, emailing, or going to play RPG in the same room, in fact it might be an idea if you stop playing for a while and concentrate on your relationship with your boyfriend. but this is just my opinion, my guess is you'll regret it if you get into a weird relationship with this online guy. Good luck!
This sounds very similar to a situation I found myself in a while ago...
I had been with my boyfriend for about 2 years, and while everything was going just fine, no arguments or anything, the "spark" whatever that may be, was no longer there - we just spent our evenings watching TV, eating dinner and going to bed. I cared about him a lot - I said I loved him, but looking back now, I'm not sure how true that can have been towards the end.
Then I went to a similar sort of gathering of internet folks. There were lots of people there, and we all ended up getting quite drunk. There was a guy who I knew vaguely, but wouldn't say I was hugely close to. We were being quite flirty, but fairly innocent, but then at some point, I still don't understand why, I leant over to him and he leant towards me and we kissed. And yes, just like you describe, it was a feeling I hadn't had in a long long time.
Naturally, on returning home, this left me totally screwed up and wondering what to do - I didn't want to break my boyfriend's heart, but at the same time I couldn't stop thinking about this other guy, and getting butterflies every time. It took about a month of trying to "get back to normal" with my bf, but still talking to this other guy, before I realised it really really wasn't going to work out. So I took the very painful step of ending it with my bf, which was one of the most horrible nights of my life. I still feel awful about it now, though we've managed to remain reasonably good friends.
On the plus side though, I have been with the internet guy (yes, I am so cool) pretty much ever since then, and everything is wonderful. It was a hellish way to get here, but if I hadn't taken the risk, I'd never have found out just how amazing this new relationship could be.
In summary, you need to sort out what you want. Spend time with your boyfriend if you can, just to see how you still feel about him. I won't say for sure whether you MUST break up with him or not - and I don't know things like how far apart you and your fellow gamer are, and how hard a relationship would be - but somehow you need to sort out your feelings. It won't be easy, but it might just all work out ok.
I had been with my boyfriend for about 2 years, and while everything was going just fine, no arguments or anything, the "spark" whatever that may be, was no longer there - we just spent our evenings watching TV, eating dinner and going to bed. I cared about him a lot - I said I loved him, but looking back now, I'm not sure how true that can have been towards the end.
Then I went to a similar sort of gathering of internet folks. There were lots of people there, and we all ended up getting quite drunk. There was a guy who I knew vaguely, but wouldn't say I was hugely close to. We were being quite flirty, but fairly innocent, but then at some point, I still don't understand why, I leant over to him and he leant towards me and we kissed. And yes, just like you describe, it was a feeling I hadn't had in a long long time.
Naturally, on returning home, this left me totally screwed up and wondering what to do - I didn't want to break my boyfriend's heart, but at the same time I couldn't stop thinking about this other guy, and getting butterflies every time. It took about a month of trying to "get back to normal" with my bf, but still talking to this other guy, before I realised it really really wasn't going to work out. So I took the very painful step of ending it with my bf, which was one of the most horrible nights of my life. I still feel awful about it now, though we've managed to remain reasonably good friends.
On the plus side though, I have been with the internet guy (yes, I am so cool) pretty much ever since then, and everything is wonderful. It was a hellish way to get here, but if I hadn't taken the risk, I'd never have found out just how amazing this new relationship could be.
In summary, you need to sort out what you want. Spend time with your boyfriend if you can, just to see how you still feel about him. I won't say for sure whether you MUST break up with him or not - and I don't know things like how far apart you and your fellow gamer are, and how hard a relationship would be - but somehow you need to sort out your feelings. It won't be easy, but it might just all work out ok.
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