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Beginning to dislike my father, my culture and religion...
As the title says,
my father and I have never got along, we have had many many problems.
My dad seems to make my life a misery everyday, most of all about the clothes I wear, yesterday my button was open frm the top he goes "YOU WHORE" u have no self respect blah blah, the thing is its getting me down, the weather is hot, and really boiling and I often get skin burns, and rashes in this weather especially if I am covered, he has been making life hell for me.
Then he normally goes " I WILL NOT TALK TO U ANYMORE, DO WHAT YOU WANT THE WORLD WILL SHOW YOU U JUST WATCH" this hurts because when I wear something that makes me feel happy , he always makes a horrible comment which makes me feeling low all day and sad with super low self esteem.
He has complained to collegues about my clothes and they sometimes side with him but most of the time, they tell him to stop being so over protective.
I am typing this in a hurry because he is comming to collect me so he is going to drop me of to work.
Anyway, its summer now I would love to wear those cute Kaftan dresses with highheels, and look sexy, but he just tells me I am a whore + slut.
I like attention but not slutty attention, I get a lot of attention anyway even when im covered and if a guy makes a comment about me walking by he would yell and go mental at my clothes in front of him.
I love pencil skirts with a nice top he doesnt like it when I show my legs, it doesnt help as we are muslims, and he is from Pakistan, I am beginning to despise my religion and culture.
And I know a lot of you might be offended but I am beggining to hate Pakistanis and I hate to make contact with any since I have had horrible experiences with them. I am driving away from my religion and idk whats happening to me, I dont like my relatives, I went to Pakistan and was neglected by my family because of my clothes, and all my cousins were jealous.
I told him once " I hate pakistanis, and I dont want to marry one either" he fumed, and goes you mental bitch u watch when you marry a non pakistani they will all betray u and use for sex.
I dont believe that, I just dont want to have anything to do with pakistanis, really im sick of the culture and sick of the lifestyles, its all about money with them and too much restrictions, I dont know how people will react to this but this is how I am feeling and I really cant control myself i need to let this out because its killing me.
I do self harm and did the other day , my parents and brothers ganged up on me and called me mental, they were ok with me for one day and the next day everything was back to normal...I mean do I have to self harm to get them to be nice to me?
I dont want to , because it is my only outlet.
Also a guy at work who is greek will be taking me out to dinner he is 50 and im 18 , he gives me the father like figure and pays attention to me, im so worried ... i just dont know what else to say
I dont like my father at all, but my mother is always siding him which makes me dislike her much.
My mind is so dead and all over the place, im really on the edge now, and I will explode im so scared and depressed. Please dont attack me for saying this as I am seriously very depressed and upset.
my father and I have never got along, we have had many many problems.
My dad seems to make my life a misery everyday, most of all about the clothes I wear, yesterday my button was open frm the top he goes "YOU WHORE" u have no self respect blah blah, the thing is its getting me down, the weather is hot, and really boiling and I often get skin burns, and rashes in this weather especially if I am covered, he has been making life hell for me.
Then he normally goes " I WILL NOT TALK TO U ANYMORE, DO WHAT YOU WANT THE WORLD WILL SHOW YOU U JUST WATCH" this hurts because when I wear something that makes me feel happy , he always makes a horrible comment which makes me feeling low all day and sad with super low self esteem.
He has complained to collegues about my clothes and they sometimes side with him but most of the time, they tell him to stop being so over protective.
I am typing this in a hurry because he is comming to collect me so he is going to drop me of to work.
Anyway, its summer now I would love to wear those cute Kaftan dresses with highheels, and look sexy, but he just tells me I am a whore + slut.
I like attention but not slutty attention, I get a lot of attention anyway even when im covered and if a guy makes a comment about me walking by he would yell and go mental at my clothes in front of him.
I love pencil skirts with a nice top he doesnt like it when I show my legs, it doesnt help as we are muslims, and he is from Pakistan, I am beginning to despise my religion and culture.
And I know a lot of you might be offended but I am beggining to hate Pakistanis and I hate to make contact with any since I have had horrible experiences with them. I am driving away from my religion and idk whats happening to me, I dont like my relatives, I went to Pakistan and was neglected by my family because of my clothes, and all my cousins were jealous.
I told him once " I hate pakistanis, and I dont want to marry one either" he fumed, and goes you mental bitch u watch when you marry a non pakistani they will all betray u and use for sex.
I dont believe that, I just dont want to have anything to do with pakistanis, really im sick of the culture and sick of the lifestyles, its all about money with them and too much restrictions, I dont know how people will react to this but this is how I am feeling and I really cant control myself i need to let this out because its killing me.
I do self harm and did the other day , my parents and brothers ganged up on me and called me mental, they were ok with me for one day and the next day everything was back to normal...I mean do I have to self harm to get them to be nice to me?
I dont want to , because it is my only outlet.
Also a guy at work who is greek will be taking me out to dinner he is 50 and im 18 , he gives me the father like figure and pays attention to me, im so worried ... i just dont know what else to say
I dont like my father at all, but my mother is always siding him which makes me dislike her much.
My mind is so dead and all over the place, im really on the edge now, and I will explode im so scared and depressed. Please dont attack me for saying this as I am seriously very depressed and upset.
Scroll to see replies
Your father is being over protective. Its a cultural thing unfortunately.
I am assuming that your dress sense is very 'Western'. I know many Asian people who have a problem with this style of dress, especially on their daughters. On this point it may be an idea to try and talk to your father. Tell him that you know he is trying to protect you but you are not going to do anything silly.
With regard to the whole self harm thing, I would advise seeing a GP about this. Its really not a good idea, and there are ways of relieving pressure that don't involve hurting yourself.
Whilst I will admit the 'geek from work' sounds a strange step it may not be as bad as it looks. however do not do anything you are uncomfortable with. If you don't want to go for dinner with this man, then don't.
Do you have any more western orientated family members who you may be able to talk to? It seems to me your father is struggling to reconcile his faith/culture with the western way of life. You need to make sure he is not making decision for you, and that he does not push you into anything you do not want.
I am assuming that your dress sense is very 'Western'. I know many Asian people who have a problem with this style of dress, especially on their daughters. On this point it may be an idea to try and talk to your father. Tell him that you know he is trying to protect you but you are not going to do anything silly.
With regard to the whole self harm thing, I would advise seeing a GP about this. Its really not a good idea, and there are ways of relieving pressure that don't involve hurting yourself.
Whilst I will admit the 'geek from work' sounds a strange step it may not be as bad as it looks. however do not do anything you are uncomfortable with. If you don't want to go for dinner with this man, then don't.
Do you have any more western orientated family members who you may be able to talk to? It seems to me your father is struggling to reconcile his faith/culture with the western way of life. You need to make sure he is not making decision for you, and that he does not push you into anything you do not want.
You poor girl 
It sounds like you've been incredibly patient - "beginning" to dislike your father, culture and religion? I think most of us would be in the realms of deep hate by now.
You need to talk to your family all together (or just your father first if it would be easier). Sit down in a reasoned way and say "I need to have a talk with you" and explain calmly what's making you unhappy and why. Then give your family space to have their say and try and understand one another's point of view. I hope that for your sake it won't descend into a shouting match. You should do this even if you think you already know what they'll say - you definitely need to reach some kind of compromise. Your father does sound extremely unreasonable but in a way it's understandable since it's hard to break away from what you've grown up with.
Will you be going to university/be in a position to move out any time soon? If so then I recommend that you do as it sounds like you will be much happier with your own job and money and space and freedom to do as you wish and wear what you want. Once you have left home I hope that your family will come to their senses - I hope they wouldn't disown you for the sake of the clothes that you want to wear.
I can understand your repulsion at the culture - I always found it very sad when I was at school and I asked Pakistani friends of mine if they wanted to come and hang out at my house, only for them to say that their fathers didn't allow them to go out. I hope that you will manage to feel less repressed in future, whether it's through reconciliation with your family or otherwise.
Please see a doctor about the self harm. It doesn't have to be your GP; you can see any doctor you like.
The only thing I'll say on the issue of the Greek man is that you are 18 and old enough to do as you choose, regardless of whether or not your family sees this. Going out with someone because you see them as a father figure may not be the best reason, but you're entitled to your reasons, and we're not entitled to judge.
I really really hope this helps - and if you decide to speak to your family (which I strongly recommend), then please let us know how it turns out.
It sounds like you've been incredibly patient - "beginning" to dislike your father, culture and religion? I think most of us would be in the realms of deep hate by now.
You need to talk to your family all together (or just your father first if it would be easier). Sit down in a reasoned way and say "I need to have a talk with you" and explain calmly what's making you unhappy and why. Then give your family space to have their say and try and understand one another's point of view. I hope that for your sake it won't descend into a shouting match. You should do this even if you think you already know what they'll say - you definitely need to reach some kind of compromise. Your father does sound extremely unreasonable but in a way it's understandable since it's hard to break away from what you've grown up with.
Will you be going to university/be in a position to move out any time soon? If so then I recommend that you do as it sounds like you will be much happier with your own job and money and space and freedom to do as you wish and wear what you want. Once you have left home I hope that your family will come to their senses - I hope they wouldn't disown you for the sake of the clothes that you want to wear.
I can understand your repulsion at the culture - I always found it very sad when I was at school and I asked Pakistani friends of mine if they wanted to come and hang out at my house, only for them to say that their fathers didn't allow them to go out. I hope that you will manage to feel less repressed in future, whether it's through reconciliation with your family or otherwise.
Please see a doctor about the self harm. It doesn't have to be your GP; you can see any doctor you like.
The only thing I'll say on the issue of the Greek man is that you are 18 and old enough to do as you choose, regardless of whether or not your family sees this. Going out with someone because you see them as a father figure may not be the best reason, but you're entitled to your reasons, and we're not entitled to judge.
I really really hope this helps - and if you decide to speak to your family (which I strongly recommend), then please let us know how it turns out.
Profesh
Your father is a horrendous, chauvanistic, xenophobic, dogmatic, sexist bigot of the first water; this is ingrained. In short; he will never, ever change.
Exclude him from your life at the earliest possible juncture.
Exclude him from your life at the earliest possible juncture.
This seems a bit harsh. He could simply be very protective of his daughter.
I for one can say my parents would be dumbstruck if I suddenly married a Muslim girl, why can it not work the other way around?
He may well change, however I would take steps to distance yourself if possible.
If you have a friend/family that may let you stay with them, it might be an idea to sound it out with them. Or a friend whos sofa you can crash on for a few days. Just incase things do go pear shaped.
Im half cast. You sound like my sister. Add me to msn if you like I pm'd you if you want to talk about this. I have some advice for you.
My mum is from pakistan - her mum is from india- her father is white from a militant of the british raj
My dad is from south africa - his father from lebannon his mother from sudan
We have many white and mixed race members of our family. Despite this the pakistani's in our family never mix. They are so backwards. Some of my family accept reality and that times have changed and turn a blind eye. Some of them like your father have needs of expressing there feelings. Keep your chin up. I know girls like you who wear scarfs at home and where skirts at school - at least your not a hypocrite - I am british muslim - I know my relationship between me and my lord and between me and my lord alone. Keep your chin up.
My mum is from pakistan - her mum is from india- her father is white from a militant of the british raj
My dad is from south africa - his father from lebannon his mother from sudan
We have many white and mixed race members of our family. Despite this the pakistani's in our family never mix. They are so backwards. Some of my family accept reality and that times have changed and turn a blind eye. Some of them like your father have needs of expressing there feelings. Keep your chin up. I know girls like you who wear scarfs at home and where skirts at school - at least your not a hypocrite - I am british muslim - I know my relationship between me and my lord and between me and my lord alone. Keep your chin up.
Oh your Dad sounds horrible, there is absolutely no need for him to call you a whore or a slut; I don't care how protective he is being, he sounds like a total prick. Unfortunately I have heard many stories like this it seems to be ingrained culturally and I doubt if he would change even if you sat him down and talked through it at all. I would advise you try to make enough money to support yourself or go to uni or something to get away from him.
I'd very much like to echo what K77 says about her relationship with her lord. What ever the religion the relationship that you have with your God is simply that.... Between you and your god. Priests etc preach and teach about the religion but at the end of the day it infuriates me that people who have a certain view about their religion force others to adopt that exact view. Each to their own and I do not believe that by dressing in Western clothes and adopting British culture as a British muslim means that you are not worthy of islam and are a disgrace to your religion and family.
I am sure your mum, dad and close family love you very much but your Father seems blinded by his faith and may think he is protecting you (So you remain pure/innnocent for a suitable muslim man etc etc) however he is not. What he is doing is humiliating you and I do think it is degrading. This sounds strong but in my opinion shouting at your daughter in the middle of the street that she is " a whore/slut/slag etc" for all to see is very degrading and total humiliation. The worrying thing is how you say that you hate your religion/faith - this is very sad and if only more parents born outside the UK could see this and realise that they are in fact pushing their children away from their religion then I am sure there would be a LOT more British Muslims enjoying life in a multicultural society whereby their have the best of both worlds. I do feel strongly that if you have moved into Britain then you have decided that you want to be British and the country should be united as one multicultural nation. It really gets up my bum when I hear stories like your because at the end of the day the more parents of muslim societies do this the more they segregate themselves and their families from the rest of us all. No disrespect but if you do not want to integrate and get along with ppl of all cultures move back to the homeland of your religion!
Seek help and guideance about your self harm by contacting your GP or if you are afraid you will be seen try another clinic. Remember that GP are bound by law to remain confidential unless you gave your say so.
Try this website: http://www.selfharm.org.uk
I would advise against getting into a relationship with the 50yr old man you know. He may provide a fatherly figure but I think you would be better off keeping it as that. I do think the age gap would pose a problem and you would be getting invilved for the wrong reasons and it could make your problems even worse. Just remain as good friends and seek fatherly advice from him.
I would try talking to your Father and telling just how bad he makes you feel, how depressed you are, how it makes you self harm and how you dont want to feel like this anymore. I have a feeling he will not listen as you have said you have tried before but still try nonetheless.
If you do decide to go to University then I would advise being strong and making the move to go and live there however ONLY go if you want to study, dont just use it as an escape route. If you have resistance about you goin then be strong. Its better than moving out altogether.
Try contacting these organisations:-
The Muslim Women's Helpline provide any Muslim girl or woman in crisis with confidential listening service on virtually any subject of concern.
Call free on 0800 032 7587 - Mondays to Friday 10am to 4pm or check out their website at www.mwhl.org.uk
The Muslim Youth Helpline (MYH) operates a free confidential telephone counselling and e-mail enquiries service for young people. The helpline number 0808 808 2008 (Mondays to Thursdays 6pm-9pm, Fridays 6pm-12am, Saturdays and Sundays 12pm-12am). Young people can contact the Muslim Youth Helpline on a wide-range of social issues, particularly those that are regarded as taboo within their community, such as homosexuality and mental health problems. You can also e-mail [email protected] or go to their website at www.myh.org.uk
Try contacting these organisations, they are here to help and can provide more detailed advice and help than this forum fro the moment. Until then keep posting and we are here if you need someone to talk too.
I am available if you need to PM someone.
Until then try and keep afloat - Let us know whats happening
I am sure your mum, dad and close family love you very much but your Father seems blinded by his faith and may think he is protecting you (So you remain pure/innnocent for a suitable muslim man etc etc) however he is not. What he is doing is humiliating you and I do think it is degrading. This sounds strong but in my opinion shouting at your daughter in the middle of the street that she is " a whore/slut/slag etc" for all to see is very degrading and total humiliation. The worrying thing is how you say that you hate your religion/faith - this is very sad and if only more parents born outside the UK could see this and realise that they are in fact pushing their children away from their religion then I am sure there would be a LOT more British Muslims enjoying life in a multicultural society whereby their have the best of both worlds. I do feel strongly that if you have moved into Britain then you have decided that you want to be British and the country should be united as one multicultural nation. It really gets up my bum when I hear stories like your because at the end of the day the more parents of muslim societies do this the more they segregate themselves and their families from the rest of us all. No disrespect but if you do not want to integrate and get along with ppl of all cultures move back to the homeland of your religion!
Seek help and guideance about your self harm by contacting your GP or if you are afraid you will be seen try another clinic. Remember that GP are bound by law to remain confidential unless you gave your say so.
Try this website: http://www.selfharm.org.uk
I would advise against getting into a relationship with the 50yr old man you know. He may provide a fatherly figure but I think you would be better off keeping it as that. I do think the age gap would pose a problem and you would be getting invilved for the wrong reasons and it could make your problems even worse. Just remain as good friends and seek fatherly advice from him.
I would try talking to your Father and telling just how bad he makes you feel, how depressed you are, how it makes you self harm and how you dont want to feel like this anymore. I have a feeling he will not listen as you have said you have tried before but still try nonetheless.
If you do decide to go to University then I would advise being strong and making the move to go and live there however ONLY go if you want to study, dont just use it as an escape route. If you have resistance about you goin then be strong. Its better than moving out altogether.
Try contacting these organisations:-
The Muslim Women's Helpline provide any Muslim girl or woman in crisis with confidential listening service on virtually any subject of concern.
Call free on 0800 032 7587 - Mondays to Friday 10am to 4pm or check out their website at www.mwhl.org.uk
The Muslim Youth Helpline (MYH) operates a free confidential telephone counselling and e-mail enquiries service for young people. The helpline number 0808 808 2008 (Mondays to Thursdays 6pm-9pm, Fridays 6pm-12am, Saturdays and Sundays 12pm-12am). Young people can contact the Muslim Youth Helpline on a wide-range of social issues, particularly those that are regarded as taboo within their community, such as homosexuality and mental health problems. You can also e-mail [email protected] or go to their website at www.myh.org.uk
Try contacting these organisations, they are here to help and can provide more detailed advice and help than this forum fro the moment. Until then keep posting and we are here if you need someone to talk too.
I am available if you need to PM someone.
Until then try and keep afloat - Let us know whats happening
Edit: great advice ^^!
O dear, it seems that your father is like said, overly protective of you. It is absolutely horrible that he calls you such names and it seems to me that he's just being mentally abusive towards you. I don't think it is necessary to despise your entire culture, heritage and religion. But your family does seem a bit extreme. If it helps talk to someone you know and trust and let it all out. Try letting someone speak with your father in a decent and respectable way and explain that the comments and the suffocating are hurting you and are not making things any better.
In the end, the will always be your parents and you have to sort this out. Obviously it can't continue on like this!
I am sure that not all Pakistanis are like your father or family. The 50-year old you have contact with sounds a bit suspicious if you don't mind me saying that. Figure out what he really really wants from you.
Anyway good luck and stay strong!
O dear, it seems that your father is like said, overly protective of you. It is absolutely horrible that he calls you such names and it seems to me that he's just being mentally abusive towards you. I don't think it is necessary to despise your entire culture, heritage and religion. But your family does seem a bit extreme. If it helps talk to someone you know and trust and let it all out. Try letting someone speak with your father in a decent and respectable way and explain that the comments and the suffocating are hurting you and are not making things any better.
In the end, the will always be your parents and you have to sort this out. Obviously it can't continue on like this!
I am sure that not all Pakistanis are like your father or family. The 50-year old you have contact with sounds a bit suspicious if you don't mind me saying that. Figure out what he really really wants from you.
Anyway good luck and stay strong!
Varsity
This seems a bit harsh. He could simply be very protective of his daughter.
I for one can say my parents would be dumbstruck if I suddenly married a Muslim girl, why can it not work the other way around?
He may well change, however I would take steps to distance yourself if possible.
If you have a friend/family that may let you stay with them, it might be an idea to sound it out with them. Or a friend whos sofa you can crash on for a few days. Just incase things do go pear shaped.
I for one can say my parents would be dumbstruck if I suddenly married a Muslim girl, why can it not work the other way around?
He may well change, however I would take steps to distance yourself if possible.
If you have a friend/family that may let you stay with them, it might be an idea to sound it out with them. Or a friend whos sofa you can crash on for a few days. Just incase things do go pear shaped.
Its not harsh her father sounds racist, if a western man had a daughter and said something similar about pakistani men like 'you don't want to marry one he will use you' it would be racist.
People like him can't really be happy living in the UK if they think westerners are so bad, how can they be happy living here?
Be happy in yourself, and don't let his comments get to you. I know several girls with similar issues, and most begin to move away from oppressive parents who derive their values from a strict religious or moral code. There is no disgrace in rejecting your culture, it will always be part of who you are, but you do not have to let it rule your life. That is what makes Britain great- all persons can do, say and wear what they like, and be comfortable in their chosen path. Good luck, don't let him get you down.
goodLife
Its not harsh her father sounds racist, if a western man had a daughter and said something similar about pakistani men like 'you don't want to marry one he will use you' it would be racist.
People like him can't really be happy living in the UK if they think westerners are so bad, how can they be happy living here?
People like him can't really be happy living in the UK if they think westerners are so bad, how can they be happy living here?
I agree completely. In fact, what it sounds like is the abhorrent view of black sexuality held by white Europeans before the 20th Century, of them being lascivious predators with a fetish for young white virgins. It is not political correctness to stick up for modern Islamic views which are based on similar prejudices.
Convert to Christianity and live in the 21st century.
Anonymous
Also a guy at work who is greek will be taking me out to dinner he is 50 and im 18
Also a guy at work who is greek will be taking me out to dinner he is 50 and im 18
And it is going to work out so well...
Andy Peters
Convert to Christianity and live in the 21st century.
Why not Wicca or Satanism ?
Andy Peters
Convert to Christianity and live in the 21st century.
What a really silly idea!!
Lets not forget that Christianity aint all that thankyou. Many a war has been fought over religion not just islam and christianity has played a big part in it history and also has had and still has its MANY predjudices! If you're Christian please dont be offended, I am not dissin' it per se bt what a stupid idea to use that as a solution to another faith, its like suggesting superiority.
She is looking 4 a genuine solution here - So help or dont write.
I am agnostic by the way
acolyte
Quote:
Originally Posted by Andy Peters
Convert to Christianity and live in the 21st century
Why not Wicca or Satanism ?
Originally Posted by Andy Peters
Convert to Christianity and live in the 21st century
Why not Wicca or Satanism ?
thats all the world needs another christian.
i think the answers come from with in.
as anything i could say would fade into insignificance.
Profesh
Your father is a horrendous, chauvanistic, xenophobic, dogmatic, sexist bigot of the first water; this is ingrained. In short; he will never, ever change.
Exclude him from your life at the earliest possible juncture.
Exclude him from your life at the earliest possible juncture.
Totally agree. It's disgraceful that he calls you such things and that he holds such backwards racist attitudes. I hope you can get away soon to uni or into a job that means you can move out. I don't get how people from other cultures can bring their kids up in Britain and then expect them not to absorb anything from the culture or society around them - in fact, expect them to shun it all.
I hope you realise what you're getting yourself into with the middle-aged man. I know you see him as a father figure but he clearly views you in a sexual light (I mean, fifty year-olds don't ask eighteen year-olds out because they have a lot in common, do they?). Personally I would steer well clear but you should do what you feel comfortable with.
Convert to Satanism!
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