Sexually Abused Watch

Anonymous #1
#1
Report Thread starter 11 years ago
#1
Long Story:
I cannot remember everything.
I do not want to remember everything.
Now and then, I get insomnia (cant sleep) and just end up thinking about it all night, even at work people ask me "Sweety you look drained, you been clubbing?" Im like no just could not sleep.

Yesterday, was back at work after a long period. My colleague next to me noticed I was feeling a bit out of place. She asked me if anything was wrong. She is quite attractive so I started laughing as I normally do, and lied and said nothing was wrong.
I was smoking outside of work, under the bridge, she approached me again, alone, and asked me if anything was wrong. Again I lied and said nothing, I did not laugh this time or smile.
After a long pause and smoking two ****, she came close to me and said I can tell her anything because we are friends.
I started crying and told her, in detail, every detail of what I remember of every attack.
Horrified as she was, she started panicking and started saying we should speak to Gill, (Manager) this is when I started panicking and regretted telling her, I warned her to keep shut.
Ever since I get the feeling she is looking down on me or with pity, I know she cares.

All I want is for my attacker to be arrested and named and shamed and for everyone in my family and town to know. The respected and religiously devoted man is not all he seems. I have no proof, I have no witness. I only have my thoughts which hold me down.

The Point
I was attacked when I was seven I think and once - only once when I was 9. I remember this attack. It sends a shiver to say the least I want justice. I want to see my attacker die infront of me, even as I type it upsets me. The only person I ever confided other than my friend from work was my mum, and she does not believe me and was close to disowning me - I know it because of her cultural Pakistani background.

I don't know what im expecting posting this, only a small weight of me. I don't want pity, I don't want attention. All I really want is for the thoughts and memory's to leave me, I hardly get nightmares, its just the image in my head, him touching me, shuddering, shivering and sometimes..sometimes I get a wet soft touch feeling which makes me cry, wherever I am. I had a panic attack in a public mcdonalds once. I lied about it and said it was because of drugs. To this day when he shakes my hand and smiles, I smile back and shake back but the world seems to stop!!!
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generalebriety
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#2
Report 11 years ago
#2
A good place to start would be breaking off contact with this man. Why are you still in contact with him?

Have you considered counselling?
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Dionysus
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#3
Report 11 years ago
#3
I can only wish you the best of luck in putting this monster behind bars.
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Haze1412
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#4
Report 11 years ago
#4
im so sorry about what happened OP. Im guessing you have to still keep in contact with him because he's a family friend or relative and no one knows about it or believes you. well first things first, you can see him behind bars - you need to go to the police and file a complaint and take it from there. do you have anyone in your family who you can confide in or who will support you? if not, or in addition, counselling for this would also be very helpful. youre not alone and you shouldnt have to put up with contact with him especially after what he's done. *hugs*
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Rei
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#5
Report 11 years ago
#5
sorry to ask but how close of a relative is this man, if hes really close that might be the reason your mum threatened to disown you..
Your best bet is to tell someone who will take it seriously..(in the right way) and hopefully act on it.

P.S - hope everything works out
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Anonymous #2
#6
Report 11 years ago
#6
A bit off topic but when I was in infant school, 5 or 6 I remember a female teacher pulling my underwear down and smacking my bum :/ Ive thought nothing of it but were they allowed to do this in the early 90's? Im female but I thought they were not allowed to hit kids.

Anyway op, I think you should get councelling, not because you have a problem its normal to think like this, but to make you feel better.
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Ichamackalooloo
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#7
Report 11 years ago
#7
Hey,

You need to stop thinking about other people for a moment (for example, your mother) and think about yourself. This is ruining you and you need to see that things can change for the better if you take the right action. Go to the police and inform them of this man-do you think he has done this to other people? The police will take you seriously if you are willing to help them.

I hope everything goes well. But what you need to remember is that nobody is going to sort this out for you unless you set the wheels in motion.
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DodgyTrousers
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#8
Report 11 years ago
#8
You should distance yourself from this man and seek counselling, it can really help.

Horribly enough, your mum probably won't let herself believe you because it conflicts too greatly with what she believes. It's her own fault, but I really doubt you'll change her on it

You could go to the police if you wanted to...but in your position I would not. Maybe an anonymous letter detailing the incident so that they start investigating him, but I assume you don't really want to be embroilled in a court case over it. Should it get to you giving testimony the opposition will do their best to make it look consentual (as sick as that is).

Above all, make some plans about what you want to do about it. One of the worst things about abuse is the thinking about it later. A counsellor could really help you with that. Don't just brush it under the carpet and expect it to fix itself.
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Adhsur
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#9
Report 11 years ago
#9
Gosh you poor poor thing!!! That's terrible, especially considering as you say this guy is seen as religious and so on :mad: how dare he?! You need to go to the police and file the report properly. I can't believe you still have to meet him and stuff. I feel so terrible for you, you must do everything you can before he does it again.
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Adhsur
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#10
Report 11 years ago
#10
(Original post by DodgyTrousers)
Should it get to you giving testimony the opposition will do their best to make it look consentual (as sick as that is).
That's not true. If the OP really was very young when it happened, then there is absolutely no way the opposition can claim it was consensual.
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Dionysus
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#11
Report 11 years ago
#11
Should it get to you giving testimony the opposition will do their best to make it look consentual (as sick as that is).
They might claim it, but it is no defence in court when we are talking about someone so young. It automatically becomes rape, I think.
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Goodkat
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#12
Report 11 years ago
#12
It's not often I really feel sorry for someone, but you truly have my sympathies. The religious thing doesn't surprise me, especially after hearing various things about paedophilic Catholic priests; it is absolutely sickening. I personally think you should report this person, and no matter how close he is to you family-wise, you need to stop seeing him if it is possible. Being a close relative does NOT give him the right to see you after he was sick enough to do what he did.

I truly hope you manage to make peace with yourself and get over it. Do not give that oxygen-thief who did it any contact unless it is through prosecution.
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DodgyTrousers
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#13
Report 11 years ago
#13
That's good to know then. One too many legal dramas on the TV I guess hehe.

It would still be a lot of upset I suppose though.
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silverbolt
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#14
Report 11 years ago
#14
jeez OP, well first thing you do break all contact with him, just make sure he cant get near you, that is far from healthy.

Other thing as teh general said have you tried consuelling. Its possible it could help
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Anonymous
#15
Report 11 years ago
#15
Hey

I lied to my boss today and said I needed to leave early. I had an embarrassing, paranoid and overwhelming panic attack on the train - like my sister who I told today after reading replies - they all give me an attention look. My sister did not even look me in the eye! She always thinks after drug money! Always!

I have to be in contact with him as he is a priest at the mosque. He is a uncle and he always at my grandparents which really cheers me up!

I went through counseling for anxiety because of these thoughts, they stopped happening, I quit cannabis.
Now I find myself lost, again, Im already posting this fast in order to RUN and get score some weed, its pathetic but I only speak truth now.

I was a member on this forum before, I made several shameful lies and troll topics. I have never really come to terms with it. I cannot stop thinking about it. I had a girlfriend and I never shagged her because of it. I will not admit that im crying now (Ill just say i scratched my nose)

I am over my head, I dont want attention im not bothered about him being locked up - I want the thoughts out of my head. Most guys think im weird or not normal and my friends always seem to talk behind my back saying im ****ed up. No one understands - the police I dont think will do nothing without semen evidence - there is obviously no way for me to get it.

*Breaths in and out*

I appreciate all replies and advice - I left counseling with the grounds that im ready to leave and stay of prescriptions.

I cannot believe a gay person has shown a slight bit of empathy, I am sorry for showing you hatred - when I my self am to blame. I was stupid kid, always being a joker and laughing around. I should have told someone when I was young or I should have just kicked the **** out of him. I still believe it or not scared of him. Im not a pussy! I cannot go to anyone as this is about manhood - I searched on the web, boys who get abused have their family's behind them

My sister alas not with it. My mum. And I have no friends.

I again dont know what to expect telling you all this. I honestly think it is my fault for allowing him to come close to me. I remember everything more than ever. Everything. Every detail. Every touch. *Pulls hair*

Its wrong, I have so much hate, so much paranoia, so much anxiety, and people dont know what I went through, I just want the thoughts out my head because then it will be ok. I have learned a lesson today; never trust anyone and never show hate upon anyone else.

- **
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generalebriety
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#16
Report 11 years ago
#16
(Original post by --)
I cannot believe a gay person has shown a slight bit of empathy, I am sorry for showing you hatred - when I my self am to blame. I was stupid kid, always being a joker and laughing around. I should have told someone when I was young or I should have just kicked the **** out of him. I still believe it or not scared of him. Im not a pussy! I cannot go to anyone as this is about manhood - I searched on the web, boys who get abused have their family's behind them
Was that me?

It's perfectly understandable. Of course, you were misguided to think that all gay people were perverted, but it was really your attacker that you hated, not everyone else. And so you should. No one should have to go through what you've been through.
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Saffie
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#17
Report 11 years ago
#17
I'm sorry your family don't believe you.
Have you ever spoken to this man about the abuse?

You need closure and I don't know how you can find it. But weed is definitely not a long term solution. You could inform the police, even if your statement does nothing by itself, if other people make them too.. maybe something will be done. Have you thought about leaving the area? Have you travelled? Maybe seeing how hard other people have (had) it will help put your experiences into perspective and help you put it behind you.

E.g. I just watched a program about a british pakistani woman going around Pakistan and she went to a woman's refuge and they were telling stories of being raped and then their families trying to kill them because of the shame. Among other things like that.

I don't mean to downplay how you feel, at all.. but it isn't just you. And also, it certainly wasn't your fault. You were a child and he abused your trust.

I think you need to either try to seek justice now or move on, keep busy and try not to think of it. Don't let him ruin your life. :hugs:
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Anonymous #1
#18
Report Thread starter 11 years ago
#18
Hey

Thanks for the replies. I read them all. Im sorry I cannot quote everyone because that would be silly.
I still am in contact with this man, I see him, once or twice a month. I cannot help this fact. And I have not tried speaking to him as I act normal as possible - sometimes a bit to friendly.

I spoke to my best friend today. She believed every word of it. Held me tight and I just could not help crying, I was close to throwing up - I think because I bottle everything inside. I really needed a hug or something.

I actually feel really better, I had a shower, shave and went to Manchester town. Went Arndale, shopped around with Joe, she bought some bubbles (blow bubbles).

I have decided to just laugh and drink my problems away, going out, spending time with friends and replacing the memory's.

I have been recommended to a meditation workshop. In order to clean dark and unwanted thoughts, I decided to accept the offer.

I am not selfish, you probably think its my fault that it happened, my dad always says no matter how tall, small, or your age. If someone attacks you- always attack back. I never did. Never did! I regret it all the time!

I am selfish that I will not speak to the police or go further; he may hurt someone else but I think im being cowardly, and no one will believe me because im like the joker kid who cries wolf.


I really appreciate all posts though. I do not want anyone to reply to this thread again, as I am paranoid that it will leak out to Knutsford community



Forward Forever
One Love
I will not be posting again on TSR

Forward Forever
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tbm
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#19
Report 11 years ago
#19
(Original post by Anonymous)
Long Story:
I cannot remember everything.
I do not want to remember everything.
Now and then, I get insomnia (cant sleep) and just end up thinking about it all night, even at work people ask me "Sweety you look drained, you been clubbing?" Im like no just could not sleep.

Yesterday, was back at work after a long period. My colleague next to me noticed I was feeling a bit out of place. She asked me if anything was wrong. She is quite attractive so I started laughing as I normally do, and lied and said nothing was wrong.
I was smoking outside of work, under the bridge, she approached me again, alone, and asked me if anything was wrong. Again I lied and said nothing, I did not laugh this time or smile.
After a long pause and smoking two ****, she came close to me and said I can tell her anything because we are friends.
I started crying and told her, in detail, every detail of what I remember of every attack.
Horrified as she was, she started panicking and started saying we should speak to Gill, (Manager) this is when I started panicking and regretted telling her, I warned her to keep shut.
Ever since I get the feeling she is looking down on me or with pity, I know she cares.

All I want is for my attacker to be arrested and named and shamed and for everyone in my family and town to know. The respected and religiously devoted man is not all he seems. I have no proof, I have no witness. I only have my thoughts which hold me down.

The Point
I was attacked when I was seven I think and once - only once when I was 9. I remember this attack. It sends a shiver to say the least I want justice. I want to see my attacker die infront of me, even as I type it upsets me. The only person I ever confided other than my friend from work was my mum, and she does not believe me and was close to disowning me - I know it because of her cultural Pakistani background.

I don't know what im expecting posting this, only a small weight of me. I don't want pity, I don't want attention. All I really want is for the thoughts and memory's to leave me, I hardly get nightmares, its just the image in my head, him touching me, shuddering, shivering and sometimes..sometimes I get a wet soft touch feeling which makes me cry, wherever I am. I had a panic attack in a public mcdonalds once. I lied about it and said it was because of drugs. To this day when he shakes my hand and smiles, I smile back and shake back but the world seems to stop!!!
Sorry to hear what you've been through
I can understand you feeling the way you do, but you must not blame yourself for this- it is your abusers fault, not your own- you have done nothing wrong. You were a child and had no way of fighting back, so please dont feel regret because of that

I strongly advise you to seek some support of some sort, due to the fact that you are finding it hard to move on. You cant automatically assume that people wont believe you if you report it, in fact I think the police would deal with this sensitively and would provide you with all the support you needed if you wanted to make a complaint. If not, then thats up to you

EDIT- SOrry I just re-read your post and it said at the bottom for people not to reply, sorry I didnt read that bit!
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