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    So I'm 18 and I'm off to uni next year (was supposed to go this year but I took a year out because of my mental health problems). I can't really stand my mother because she's manipulative and she's honestly so horrible. When she found out I had an eating disorder and self harming problems she called me attention seeking and a sympathy junkie. Later on, she would always make comments that would bring me down and now she's trying to make me apply for unis in my city so she can stick to me. So, since I'm applying to uni this year, I want to leave her She's told me that if I move out she'll follow me to the uni I go to and move there.

    I don't have any other family and I was wondering, is it possible to cut ties and get through uni without her?
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    So, you go to Uni and presumably live in halls. At worst (?) your mother does go and live in the same town/city. She'll have to get a new job I guess and find somewhere to live - going to be difficult. Will she be able to find a place to rent? or buy - just when she needs to?She may have to leave any friends she has. She may well find that it's all too difficult.

    You will not be living with her, at any rate. You will be having meals with friends, going to lectures, having a social life. I expect you will have a much improved life , new experiences etc. you will not be living on top of each other any more.

    She is no doubt afraid of living alone and will miss you a lot. You should be aware that it is often a traumatic time for parents - especially mothers, when their children leave. Parents often say that their children don't love them like they love their children - unconditionally, for ever. I think at some stages in life , that's probably correct. You are at an age when your instinct is telling you to strike out on your own and become your own person. That's what children are supposed to do. Your feeling that your mother is suffocating you, is controlling etc. is normal. It's a necessary part of growing up.

    Strangely, once you are grown up and have stood on your own feet for a few years, you gain in confidence and no longer feel that your pareints are criticising you. Your relationship may suddenly improve no end. You will be happy to relate your goings on to your mother, include her more in your life. She will lose her anxiety about your growing up and feel more relaxed.

    And, then finally, you have children of your own and suddenly you understand how your mother felt, why she seemed so unable to detach herself from you .

    One last thing. You only ever have one mother. She may be the only person in your life who you will always be able to count on - the only person who will always have your best interests at heart . ( However unlikely it may seem to you now.) Don't burn your bridges with her - you may need her sooner than you think.
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    She's trying to scare you!
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    (Original post by pickup)
    So, you go to Uni and presumably live in halls. At worst (?) your mother does go and live in the same town/city. She'll have to get a new job I guess and find somewhere to live - going to be difficult. Will she be able to find a place to rent? or buy - just when she needs to?She may have to leave any friends she has. She may well find that it's all too difficult.

    You will not be living with her, at any rate. You will be having meals with friends, going to lectures, having a social life. I expect you will have a much improved life , new experiences etc. you will not be living on top of each other any more.

    She is no doubt afraid of living alone and will miss you a lot. You should be aware that it is often a traumatic time for parents - especially mothers, when their children leave. Parents often say that their children don't love them like they love their children - unconditionally, for ever. I think at some stages in life , that's probably correct. You are at an age when your instinct is telling you to strike out on your own and become your own person. That's what children are supposed to do. Your feeling that your mother is suffocating you, is controlling etc. is normal. It's a necessary part of growing up.

    Strangely, once you are grown up and have stood on your own feet for a few years, you gain in confidence and no longer feel that your pareints are criticising you. Your relationship may suddenly improve no end. You will be happy to relate your goings on to your mother, include her more in your life. She will lose her anxiety about your growing up and feel more relaxed.

    And, then finally, you have children of your own and suddenly you understand how your mother felt, why she seemed so unable to detach herself from you .

    One last thing. You only ever have one mother. She may be the only person in your life who you will always be able to count on - the only person who will always have your best interests at heart . ( However unlikely it may seem to you now.) Don't burn your bridges with her - you may need her sooner than you think.
    As grateful as I am for you taking the time to reply, what I just bolded there is complete and total BS. If she had my best interests at heart she wouldn't have been so unsupportive when I was self harming and she wouldn't have physically abused me either. I want advice on how to cut ties with her, not a long lecture on how much she probably loves me.
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    What I was trying to explain, obviously, unsuccessfully, was that she might well find it all too difficult to throw up her job, find somewhere else to live, leave her friends etc. It would be very expensive for a start. In reality therefore you will probably indeed find yourself alone and not with your mother. I can't see your mother being able to move into Halls with you , can you?

    The fact that she is threatening ( from your point of view) to follow you may well be an indication of how worried she is about you. She may feel that she would like to be around to help you if necessary.
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    (Original post by Anonymous)
    So I'm 18 and I'm off to uni next year (was supposed to go this year but I took a year out because of my mental health problems). I can't really stand my mother because she's manipulative and she's honestly so horrible. When she found out I had an eating disorder and self harming problems she called me attention seeking and a sympathy junkie. Later on, she would always make comments that would bring me down and now she's trying to make me apply for unis in my city so she can stick to me. So, since I'm applying to uni this year, I want to leave her She's told me that if I move out she'll follow me to the uni I go to and move there.

    I don't have any other family and I was wondering, is it possible to cut ties and get through uni without her?
    Yes, you can do that. You will find details of the procedure here:
    http://standalone.org.uk/guides/student-guide/

    You will see it is quite complicated but not impossible.

    However, your relationship with your mother is not only about money - there is the psychological dimension which needs to be considered, too. I get the impression that you feel let down by your mother's inability to cope with your mental health issues - is that right? I have a son with mental health issues myself and I know how difficult it is to say/do the right thing. From what you say, I think your mother is completely overwhelmed by your past problems and is desperately worried about you. She is obviously not dealing with this very well. I would tentatively suggest that, before you cut ties completely with her, it might be advisable to go and see a family counsellor with her so each of you get to understand each other.

    Cutting ties with your mother will give you immediate relief and will hurt her, but not only her: it will also hurt you in the longer term, even if you don't feel that at this very moment. It will come back to bite you in the future. I don't think this is a decision you should be making without professional advice.
 
 
 
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